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← "Yu-Gi-Oh Kai!" #64: "A New Evil Awises" "Puzzled Shipping" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, narrator, Arthur Hawkins, Rex Raptor, Weevil Underwood, Gurimo, Téa Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Joey Wheeler, Yugi Muto, Dartz, reporter, Seto Kaiba, Solomon Muto, Rafael, Alister, Valon

Running time: 10:15

TranscriptEdit

(updated standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! It's just like Pokémon, only with more Yu-Gi-Oh!

(cut to ruins under the sea)

NARRATOR: Thousands of leagues below the ocean's surface, Professor Arthur Hawkins is about to happen upon one of the most significant discoveries in archaeological history.

ARTHUR: I have happened upon one of the most significant discoveries in archaeological history.

NARRATOR: Little does he know that an ancient evil is about to arise from the depths to conquer the world above. ...But enough about that! Here's Rex and Weevil!

(cut to Rex and Weevil in Domino City)

REX: Uhuhuhuhuh-uhuhuh. Boobs.

WEEVIL: Oh yeah, heheheheh, um, boobies.

(Rex and Weevil continue to laugh)

(Updated title sequence plays. A modified "Yu-Gi-Oh! the abridged series" logo appears, with the Seal of Orichalcos in place of the red Japanese characters.)

(cut back to Rex and Weevil)

REX: Hey, Weevil. Uhuhuhuh. I bet you can't outrun your own farts.

WEEVIL: Heheheheh. I totally can.

(Rex and Weevil have a race down the city block)

REX: Hurry, dumbass! The farts are gaining on us!

(the boys bump into a hooded man)

WEEVIL: Watch out, fartknocker!

REX: Whoa, uhuhuhuh. Check it out. This dude's, like, a Jedi, or something.

WEEVIL: Yeah. Heheheh. May the farts be with you. Heheheh-heheh. Or something.

REX: What a dork.

WEEVIL: Yeah, what a—

(the hooded man activates his Chaos Duel Disk)

REX: Uhuhuhuhuh. His Duel Disk has a boner.

(Rex and Weevil laugh nervously in fear)

(cut to Domino High School)

TÉA: I'm worried about Yugi, guys. (Tristan and Joey come to Téa) He hasn't been doing well in school lately. I think maybe the stress of being an anime protagonist is getting to him.

JOEY: I feel that. The whole "saving the world" thing really eats into your study time.

TRISTAN: I also have been struggling with my schoolwork.

JOEY: Tristan, that's cause you're a freakin' idiot.

TRISTAN: But my teacher gave me, like, a bunch of gold stars! And an A+ in trying!

TÉA: I think we should go be aggressively friendly towards Yugi until his problem magically goes away!

TRISTAN: I'm glad we came up to the roof to have this conversation. 

(cut to Yami walking on the street, while Yugi's spirit accompanies him)

YUGI: (telepathically) Pharaoh, why did you just get up and leave in the middle of class?

YAMI: (telepathically) That teacher was a fool, Yugi. I already know everything I need to know about mathematics from playing card games.

YUGI: Okay. What's the square root of 16?

YAMI: Um, "Exodia, Obliterate".

YUGI: Uh-huh. And what's the equation to find the perimeter of an equilateral triangle?

YAMI: F*ck you, Yugi. That's what it is.

(Joey and the others stop Yami on the way to the museum)

JOEY: Yug! What are you doing heeere at the museeeum?

YAMI: Well, in this town, it seems you either stare at ancient artifacts or play card games. Pretty limited options, really.

TÉA: Don't worry, Pharaoh.

YAMI: I wasn't worried.

TÉA: We'll come with you. Because we're your friends. And we'll support everything you decide to do.

(Téa, Joey, Tristan and Yami place their hands together)

YAMI: I was also thinking about doing some of the drugs later.

TÉA: We support that decision!

TRISTAN420 Blaze it!

(cut to museum's interior; Yami and the others are staring at the ancient Egyptian tablet)

YAMI: Something is compelling me to look at this ancient tablet!

JOEY: I think that's called sheer boredom.

(flashbacks of Yami's past)

YAMI: No. It's something far more powerful, something... plot-related.

(cut to Dartz performing a ritual somewhere far away)

DARTZ: Ancient Wevaiathowwn! Heaw my cwy! The cwy of Dawrtz, the leader of the Orichalcamalos, wake up and do some weeaaally cwazy sh*t, man!

(cut back to museum; the Egyptian tablet freezes over and Yami's Egyptian God cards exude a dark aura, making Yami struggle to hold them)

YAMI: The f*ck, man?

TRISTAN: Yugi's hand is on fire! Stop, drop and roll, Yugi's hand!

(the dark aura dies down)

YAMI: I wonder what that was all about.

(a girl is heard screaming outside)

YAMI: That sounds like a commotion! (a crowd is screaming outside) Yes, definitely a commotion.

(cut outside; Curse of Dragon, Sky Dragon, Serpent Night Dragon and Kaiser Dragon are flying above the Domino citizens' heads. A man runs away as Two-Headed King Rex roars)

RANDOM MAN: (apathetically) I am also afraid.

JOEY: Eeeeeh! Real Monsters! ...is finally on Netflix, let's go home and watch it!

TRISTAN: Cartoons were so much better in the '90s. Now it's all that animoo crap.

(cut to Rex and Weevil; a Needle Ball is floating next to them)

YAMI: Look, it's Rex and Weevil!

(the group runs up to them, only to find them laughing in a catatonic state)

REX: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Dumb-ass. That, was, cool.

WEEVIL: Heh. Heh heh. Fire. Fire.

YAMI: They appear to be brain-dead.

JOEY: They seem totally normal to me.

YAMI: Well, I'm sure the city can fend for itself. Let's go home and stare at the box that slowly devours our souls day by day.

TÉA: You mean TV?

YAMI: Uh, TV, yes.

(the group leaves Rex and Weevil behind)

TRISTAN: Shame about all those people dying.

(later that night, at the game shop; Yami and his friends are watching the news on TV)

TÉA: Soooooo, are we not concerned about the monsters attacking the city, or...?

REPORTER: All over the world, children's trading cards are coming to life and causing untold devastation! Well, it was untold, but I just told you about it, so now it's told devastation!

TRISTAN: I hope the monsters destroy Switzerland. Those neutral motherf*ckers. I never cared for them.

REPORTER: We go now live to Seto Kaiba, who is holding a press conference.

KAIBA: (angrily) How the hell did you people get in my house?!

YAMI: I'm not sure I like the "Rich Douchebag" channel.

SOLOMON: (offscreen; the group turns to the noise) Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

(Yugi regains control of his body and he and his friends rush to Solomon's aid)

YUGI: Grandpa! What happened?! Are my God cards okay?! And you, I guess.

SOLOMON: Three thugs came in here and stole them!

YUGI: And then they beat you up?

SOLOMON: No, there was a slight gust of wind and I fell down.

(Joey watches as Obelisk the Tormentor appears several blocks away from him)

JOEY: Look, it's the Winged Obelisk of Sky Dragons!

YUGI: Almost, Joey. Almost.

(Yugi and the others are blinded by several lights in front of them. Three bikers are in front of them)

TRISTAN: It's the Biker Mice f-f-from... Martian Planet! I love you, guys.

MIDDLE BIKER: Pharaoh, we've got your God cards. If you want to see them again—

YUGI: Wait, you had the opportunity to take my grandpa hostage. But you decided to take my cards hostage instead.

MIDDLE BIKER: We figured you had more of an emotional connection to these.

YUGI: You figured right.

TRISTAN: Don't Duel them, Yugi! They're Martians! You don't know what they're capable of.

RIGHT BIKER: Your days are numbered, Pharaoh!

MIDDLE BIKER: Dammit, Alister, we agreed that I would do the monologuing.

ALISTER: Can I just have the one line?

MIDDLE BIKER: Ugh, you and I are gonna have a conversation later.

LEFT BIKER: I'm Australian.

(the bikers leave)

YUGI: Did those guys seem kinda... lame to any of you?

JOEY: Yup. Totally lame.

TÉA: Oh yes, super lame.

TRISTAN: Definitely lame.

YUGI: Okay, good, so it's not just me.

(cut to a skyscraper)

CAPTION: [some random ass building]

YAMI: It's a good thing we had Téa with us, or we never would have tracked those guys here!

TÉA: My spirit guide has once again served its purpose.

(the hooded man, who attacked Rex and Weevil, Gurimo stands on top of a crane)

GURIMO: Welcome, Pharaoh, to the last card game you'll ever play! (jumps off, lands in front of the group and removes his hood; Yami climbs up the platform and circles his opponent)

YAMI: Yes, but only because I'm going to beat your bitch-ass so hard that every other bitch-ass Duelist will retire in bitch-ass shame! It'll be called, the "Bitch-Ass Retirement Plan", named after you, ya bitch-ass!

GURIMO: Talk all you want, but soon your soul will belong to me! (activatesField Spell Card, surrounding both Duelists in a force field) Behold! The Seal of Orichalcos has us trapped! Whoever loses must forfeit their soul!

YAMI: Oh yeah? Well, my Millennium Puzzle has powers too! Check this out! (the Eye of Wdjat appears on Yami's forehead, while the eye on his puzzle also glows; both glows fade shortly afterward) Huh? What do you think about that?

GURIMO: It just sort of... lit up a little bit.

YAMI: Yeah.

GURIMO: How is that useful?

YAMI: Oh, what, like you've never needed a reading light?

GURIMO: I don't read.

YAMI: It also doubles as a mood ring. Right now, it's showing you that my mood is currently pissed off at a bitch-ass Duelist.

TÉA: Now, Pharaoh, remember when you said you weren't going to be such a huge jerk this season?

YAMI: ...When did I say that?

TÉA: After we fought Anubis.

YAMI: Who?

TÉA: The villain from the movie.

YAMI: What movie are you even talking about?

TÉA: Just try to be nicer, okay?

YAMI: Fine. Hey there, guy. Let's have a nice, fun game of Duel Monsters. And, um, get your game on? Am I saying the right things?

TÉA: Eh, it's a work in progress.

(the same bikers from before, Rafael, Alister and Valon, appear from a nearby tower)

RAFAEL: Hey, Pharaoh. try not to lose this game, or else your soul will be sacrificed just like these two punks. (in Rafael's hand, he holds the cards containing Rex's and Weevil's souls)

YAMI: No! Not Rex and Weevil! They are my two favorite people in the entire world!

RAFAEL: Is— is that sarcasm?

YAMI: Not at all! I really like the joke where they are Beavis and Butt-head!

GURIMO: Now, I Summon Obelisk the Tormentor! And with the power of the Orichalcos, its ATK power is raised by 500 points! (the ATK of Obelisk increases from 4000 to 4500 as the Seal appears on its forehead)

YAMI: That's some OP bullsh*t right there. I mean, um, nice move, guy! Um, what should I call you, by the way?

GURIMO: Look, man, I'm just an episodic villain. They didn't give me a name.

YAMI: Mind if I just call you "bro", then?

GURIMO: I actually mind that very much.

YAMI: Come on, bro, don't be like that.

GURIMO: Dude!

YAMI: It's cool, bro.

GURIMO: Dude!

YAMI: Broseph! Brosephine! Bro DiMaggio!

GURIMO: Dude!

YAMI: What's up, bro?

GURIMO: It's your turn!

YAMI: Oh, right. Thank you. You're being super-helpful. And I like your little beard.

GURIMO: Little?!

RAFAEL: Master Dartz is going to be pleased when we bring the Pharaoh's soul as a prize.

ALISTER: Maybe he'll throw us a party!

RAFAEL: There's not gonna be a party.

ALISTER: Not with that attitude!

(Rafael groans)

VALON: I've got shoulder pads!

JOEY: Hey, that guy kinda sounds like me!

VALON: Really?

JOEY: Really!

VALON: Yeh?

JOEY: Yeah!

VALON: Yeh?

JOEY: Yeah!

VALON: Yeh?

JOEY: Yeah!

VALON: Yeh?

JOEY: Yeah!

VALON: Yeh?

JOEY: Yeah!

(beat)

VALON: Yeh?

YAMI: I activate Alpha, Beta and Gamma The Magnet Warrior, whose ATK power combined will totally waste your punk-ass Obelisk!

(the three Magnet Warriors rush at Obelisk, destroying themselves and causing several cracks to appear on its body; Yami's friends cheer as Obelisk's body cracks)

CAPTION (flashes): [VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTERS] (their faces turn red and Obelisk explodes)

YAMI: Now, what are you gonna do, Bromeo and Juliet?

GURIMO: I activate my Magic Card, The Warrior Returning Alive! This card allows me to—

YAMI: Instead of telling me what the card does, would you mind explaining anything about yourself, or why you're trying to kill me?

GURIMO: But... that would waste valuable time, that could be spent explaining trading card functions!

YAMI: I think it's pretty obvious what a card called "The Warrior Returning Alive" does!

GURIMO: Oh yeah? Then what does it do, Mr. Smarty-Pharaoh?

YAMI: Gee, I don't know, brings one of your monsters back from the Graveyard?

GURIMO: Lucky guess.

YAMI: Nice job on "Mr. Smarty-Pharaoh", by the way. It's not often I hear the worst insult ever coined by a human being.

GURIMO: Screw you, bro!

YAMI: Now, Dark Magician who got it going on! Attack all his monsters and wipe out his remaining— yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the drill.

(Dark Magician Girl attacks and destroys all of Gurimo's monsters)

GURIMO: (defeated) Master Dartz, I have failed you!

YAMI: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure your boss is a merciful—

(Gurimo screams as the Seal takes his soul; he falls on his back afterward)

YAMI: —guy.

ALISTER: Yeah no, Master Dartz is a notorious douche.

RAFAEL: Yeah, he once sucked out Channing Tatum's soul as a joke.

YAMI: That would explain a lot.

RAFAEL: Here, Pharaoh. Take these. (throws Rex's and Weevil's soul cards to Yami)

YAMI: (upon taking the cards) Apparently, wind resistance is just a silly myth.

RAFAEL: When you're ready, come and face us to reclaim your God cards.

YAMI: I'm ready now!

RAFAEL: When you're really ready.

YAMI: I'm totally prepared, man.

RAFAEL: You'll know when you're ready.

YAMI: Dude, I got this! (his Millennium Puzzle's eye is glowing red) Come down here and fight me!

RAFAEL: (sighs) Let's just walk away awkwardly, guys.

ALISTER: You guys remember where we parked?

VALON: Australian words!

JOEY: Way to go, Yugi! You apparently killed a man, and all those monsters are still on the loose!

YAMI: (kneeling next to Gurimo) Yes, I tied up all the loose ends. (picks up Gurimo's Orichalcos Stone) Now, let's get real high!

TRISTAN: (under his breath) Those weren't the real Biker Mice from Mars.

(ending; Biker Mice from Mars theme song plays)

CAPTION:
[pwepawe for the
awwival of dartz]

(stinger; cut to Rex and Weevil still laughing in a catatonic state)

CAPTION: created by littlekuriboh

REX: Uh. Huh. Huh. Huh. That was cool. And stuff. Huh. Huh. Huh.

(cut to game shop; Solomon is still lying face down)

CAPTION: edited by 1kidsentertainment

SOLOMON: Isn't anybody going to help me up? Oh, there goes my bladder.

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