|A Yu-Gi-Oh Christmas Carol||
YUGI: Hey everybody, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate the festive season than by playing card games? After all, that's what Christmas is all about.
TRISTAN: I thought it was about Jesus!
YUGI: Oh, Tristan, you say the darnedest things. Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to present you all with "A Yu-Gi-Oh Christmas Carol". Merry Christmas, everyone, and a Super Special Awesome New Year.
Title cards appear and "Deck the Halls" plays:
LITTLE KURIBOH PRESENTS
AN OBLIGATORY CLICHÉD CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
A YU-GI-OH CHRISTMAS CAROL
STARRING SETO KAIBA
BASED ON A NOVEL BY CHARLES DICKENS
Kaiba Corp Tower
KAIBA: Since it's almost Christmas, the demand for my new Duel Disk system is off the charts. My card game technology is more popular than the Nintendo Wii, so I'm going to have to ask you all to work overtime this year.
EMPLOYEE: But sir, what about our families?
KAIBA: I don't have a family; you don't see me complaining.
MOKUBA: You tell 'em, bro!
KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.
EMPLOYEE: But it's the Yuletide season!
KAIBA: Screw the Yules, I have money!
YUGI (voice): Later that night, when Kaiba was sound asleep, he was awoken by an unexpected visitor.
KAIBA: Who the hell are you?
KEMO: Attention, duelists! My hair is haunting you!
KAIBA: Are you a ghost?
KAIBA: But I don't believe in ghosts.
KEMO: Then maybe you'll believe in this!
KAIBA: ...In what?
KEMO: Didn't I just turn invisible?
KEMO: ...Are you sure?
KEMO: ...You're lying!
KAIBA: Look, you're standing right in front of me, okay?
KEMO: That's odd, it usually works.
KEMO: It's very scary.
KEMO: Maybe if I had some chains—
KAIBA: Did you want something or not?
KEMO: Oh yeah. Attention, duelists! Tonight you will be visited by three spirits.
KAIBA: Does that include you?
KAIBA: Are you one of the three spirits?
KAIBA: Then kindly get the f*ck out of my mansion!
YUGI: (voice) Later that night, the first spirit arrived.
YAMI: Kaaaaaiiiiibaaaaa... waaaaaake uuuuuup...
KAIBA: Hey, Yugi. Are you here to duel me or something?
YAMI: Noooooo... I would juuuuuuust kiiiiiick your buuuuuuutt....
KAIBA: Why are you talking like that?
YAMI: IIII am the Ghooooost of Chriiistmaaas Paaast. I'm heeeere to shooow yooou—
KAIBA: Stop talking like that!
YAMI: 'Kay. I'm here to show you what Christmas was like for Chibi Kaiba, many years ago...
LI'L MOKUBA: Look, big brother! I'm baking you a cake shaped like a Blue-Eyes White Dragon!
LI'L KAIBA: Careful Mokuba! Don't you remember what happened the last time?
LI'L MOKUBA: Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine.
Mokuba is being smothered by a melting dragon
LI'L MOKUBA: Oh my God, it happened again!
LI'L KAIBA: Mokuba, No! You forgot to preheat the oven, you dumb bastard!
LI'L MOKUBA: It burns! I'm getting fudge in my eye sockets! Help me, Seto!
LI'L KAIBA: Christmas is ruined!
YAMI: There, you see?
KAIBA: And what the hell was that supposed to teach me?
YAMI: What, you don't know?
KAIBA: No. Enlighten me.
YAMI: Look, if you don't know, then I'm not telling you.
KAIBA: Get the hell out of my bedroom!
YAMI: Yeah, that's what she said—
KAIBA: Get out!
YUGI (voice): Later that night, the second spirit arrived on the scene.
YAMI MARIK: Greetings, Mind Slave.
KAIBA: Who the hell are you?
YAMI MARIK: I'm Marik. Don't you recognize me from your nightmares?
YAMI MARIK: Oh, don't be like that, Binky-Boy. I'm your friend! Come over here and let me cut you- I mean hug you! Hugging is what I meant.
KAIBA: I'm not a very huggy person.
YAMI MARIK: Whatever you say, Mind Slave. I am controlling your brain. Even as we speak, the cosmic forces are—
KAIBA: Can we just get this over with?
YAMI MARIK: Sure. Here is what Christmas was like for you, last year, Binky Boy.
MOKUBA: Look big brother! The "Zorc and Pals" Christmas Special is on TV!
ZORC: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone!
ZORC: Now to destroy the world!
Applause and cheers
YAMI BAKURA: Zorc bless us, every one.
Kaiba is typing on the computer.
KAIBA: I don't have time to watch that, Mokuba; I'm very busy.
Kaiba types and types and types and types. The phone rings, and he picks it up, but puts it down instantly and continues to type and type and type...
YAMI MARIK: There! You have bared witness to the undeniable truth. Now do you comprehend, Mind Slave?
KAIBA: I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to—
YAMI MARIK: DO YOU COMPREHEND?
KAIBA: If I say "yes", will you go away?
YAMI MARIK: I shall.
KAIBA: Then yes, I understand completely.
YAMI MARIK: Good.
KAIBA: ...Aren't you going to leave?
YAMI MARIK: I am inside your brain.
KAIBA: That's nice.
YAMI MARIK: Forever!
KAIBA: I'm... gonna go back to sleep now.
YAMI MARIK: Binky-Boy!
YUGI (voice): Later that night, the third and final spirit arrived to show Kaiba the true meaning of Christmas.
YAMI BAKURA: Hello there, Kaiba!
KAIBA: Aren't you that annoying British kid who's always hanging out with Yugi? What the hell do you want?
YAMI BAKURA: I'm here to scare you into believing whatever I tell you, forcing you to drastically change your character at the last minute. Watch and learn, my dear Kaiba. This is what Christmas will be like in the future.
The opening for Yu-Gi-Oh! GX begins to play
KAIBA: What the f*ck?!
KABIA: No! That's not what you're supposed to say! You're meant to say "It's time to duel"!
JADEN: I'm gonna throw down a facedown!
KAIBA: This is horrifying!
YAMI BAKURA: You don't know the half of it.
KAIBA: But where the hell am I? Am I dead?
YAMI BAKURA: No, but you only appear in one episode! That's right Kaiba, you get even less screen time than me!
KAIBA: No! This can't be real! I won't let it be real! I'll change, I'll change!
At Kaiba Corp
YUGI (voice): The following day, Kaiba made a surprising announcement.
KAIBA: I have an apology to make. It was wrong of me to force you all to work over the Christmas period.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, you really mean it?
KAIBA: Yes. Instead, I've decided to fire all of you. Happy Hanukkah!
End. LazyTown's "Cooking from the Book" plays. The following captions appear:
[from all of us here at yu-gi-oh: the abridged series...]
[have a very merry Christmas, binky-boy]