Cast (In order of appearance): Hank Ishtar, Odion Ishtar, Marik Ishtar, Ishizu Ishtar, Joseph, Mary (voiced by Nowacking), Roba Brothers, Kemo, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Yami Yugi, Jack Atlas, Jaden Yuki (voiced by ShadyVox), Nappa (voiced by Takahata101), Vegeta (voiced by Lanipator), Slender Man
An Ishtar Family Christmas Starring: LittleKuriboh, Nowacking, ShadyVox, Lanipator, Takahata101
HANK (singing): Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Make the Yuletide gaye. (song continues to play in the background) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! Have you been a good boy this year, Odion?
ODION: Yes, Master. I have been a very good boy.
HANK: Yeah, try telling that to Cornelius, the snake you murdered. Oh wait, you can't, because he's dead!
HANK: No presents for you, you giant ffffffffff… (slight pause as eyes roll back) …haydiot!
ODION: (childishly) I didn’t even want any presents!
HANK: And I didn't want a dead snake for a pet. Do you think I enjoy having the dead snake for a pet? (in a sing-song voice) I do not! (voice goes back to normal) He can't even learn any tricks; I tell him to fetch the stick, and he ignores me. Not like in the old days… In the old days I would throw the stick and he would latch on to my ankle and inject poisonous venom into my bloodstream. After a while, I just became immune to it. You know, that might explain why I’m so messed up in the head. (Eyes roll back) Uh-duuuh.
ODION: Maybe we should get you to a doctor.
HANK: And maybe you should be in prison for the murder of my best friend!
HANK: You have ruined Christmas for everyone! But especially for Billy.
HANK: Look into his eyes and tell me you don't see how heartbroken he is.
MARIK: Actually, I-I didn't like that snake, I-I'm kind of glad he's dead. He-he tried to kill me.
HANK: He tried to kill you with love!
MARIK: Felt more like poison.
HANK: There is a fine line between love and a lethal injection; it takes a man to realize this. Are you a man, Billy?
MARIK: I'm nine years old!
HANK: And you will always be nine years old until you can accept the love of a venomous serpent.
MARIK: Oh for the love of frig! You lecture us about this every morning! Can’t we just go one day without talking about your effing dead snake?
HANK: How many snakes have to die before you will acknowledge their sacrifice? One…? Two…? Thray…? Four…?
MARIK: Look, I’d rather talk about something-
HANK: (cuts Marik off) Let me finish! (slight pause) Five…? Sayx…?
MARIK: It’s Christmas Morning! Let’s talk about something festive! You know, like Santa Claus.
HANK: I will not have that man’s name spoken in my house!
HANK: Whatever! You know how I feel about men with beards. They intimidate me! If we are going to talk about anybody, we will talk about the birth of Baby Jesus. Who, until he grew a beard, was actually a pretty cool guy.
ISHIZU: I predict that we will get many angry complaints if you go ahead with your story.
HANK: And I predict an ass-whooping will follow after you don’t start shutting your mouth. Okay! Now, this is the story of the Baby Jaysus. Are you sitting comfortababably?
MARIK: My bed is like a huge stone slab.
HANK: Then I will begin. It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far far Hawaii.
(Star Wars opening crawl starts with the following words):
It is a period of civil war.
Joseph and Mary, departing from Nazareth, make their way towards BETHLEHEM on the back of a donkey.
Upon arrival, they learn that there is no room at the Inn.
However, they are permitted sanctuary in the confines of the STABLE.
Upon learning of the birth of their Savior, many people flock to greet the newborn MESSIAH…
(opening crawl ends to art of the Nativity, Silent Night plays in the background)
JOSEPH: Hark, Mary, there are many strange individuals here to greet the Son of our Lord. I believe they wish to offer gifts unto Him.
MARY: Pray, let them enter.
ROBA BROTHER: Excuse me, would you like this baby?
JOSEPH: Um, we already have a baby.
ROBA BROTHER: Oh. Would you like to swap it for ours?
JOSEPH: Uh, not really. This baby is kind of important to us. Not to mention the rest of mankind.
ROBA BROTHER: Are you telling me you think your baby is better than ours?
JOSEPH: Well, he is the Son of God.
ROBA BROTHER: Our baby can swing on the trapeze. Without a safety net. We haven’t tried it yet, but we-we’re pretty sure he can. That is way more impressive!
JOSEPH: I wouldn’t have thought so myself.
KEMO: Attention Jesus! My hair wishes to offer you my sunglasses.
JOSEPH: Your… …sunglasses?
KEMO: Yes. They were a gift from my mother and-
JOSEPH: Ah! Please. Put the sunglasses back on. (Kemo’s eyes are huge and pretty) We really won’t be needing them. Please, just, uh, just go.
KAIBA: Huh. So this is Jesus.
JOSEPH: Yes. Do you… …have anything to offer him?
KAIBA: Not really. People just always tell me that I think I’m as cool as this guy. I have to admit, I’m not impressed.
JOSEPH: Well, he’s our Messiah. His, his birth alone is a miracle.
KAIBA: (unimpressed) Yeah, yeah. Next you’ll be telling me to believe in the Heart of the Cards. Honestly, what’s so special about this kid?
JOSEPH: Well, when he’s older, he’ll be able to cure the sick and the lame. And he’ll also be able to walk on water.
JOSEPH: Um, no.
KAIBA: Ha! Seto Kaiba: 1, Jesus: nothing!
MOKUBA: Merry Christmas, Baby Jesus!
KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.
JOSEPH: You know, you really should show more respect to your brother. (gets hit in the face with a Blue-Eyes card) Did you just throw a trading card in my face?
KAIBA: Yeah. Happy Hannukah.
MARY: Maybe we should start screening our guests, Joseph.
YAMI: Hello, there. We three Kings are here to pay our respects to the newborn child.
JOSEPH: Uh, you three men are Kings?
YAMI: Yes. I am the King of Games.
JACK: I AM THE KING OF RIDING DUELS!
JADEN: And I'm the King of the Dark World!
YAMI: Wait, aren’t you Jaden?
JADEN: No, I am the Supreme King. The Lord of Darkness. The Destroyer of Nations.
JACK: YOU LOOK LIKE A POOF!
JADEN: I’m not a poof! I’m an extremely intimidating person!
YAMI: Uh, what’s with the costume? Do you think you’re Batman or something?
JADEN: My mom made it for me.
YAMI: (sarcastically) Really? I couldn’t tell.
JADEN: (sniffles) I just wanted to be special.
YAMI: Oh, don’t worry. You are very special. You’re a special little snowflake.
JOSEPH: Um, so, did you have any gifts for our son?
YAMI: Well, I brought the baby Jesus a DVD with all the greatest moments from Naruto: Abridged. (arrow points to the DVD saying “Blank CD”)
JOSEPH: Card games on motorcy-
YAMI: (interrupts) Don’t.
JADEN: And I’m going to give him his very own Winged Kuriboh card.
YAMI: What kind of gift is that? Are you trying to insult Baby Jesus?
JADEN: But this is the card you gave me in the first episode.
YAMI: Yes, because I was trying to insult you!
YAMI: Seriously, you're going straight to Hell for this.
JACK: YOU ARE A BAD PERSON! AND YOU LOOK LIKE A POOF!
JADEN: You guys are so mean to me! (starts crying)
MARY: Where are all these people coming from? How do they keep finding us?
JOSEPH: Uh, they must be following that bright star up in the heavens. It’s been hovering over us for some time. Wait a minute, the star. It appears to be moving! Oh my Goodness! It turns out to be some kind of spacecraft!
NAPPA: Your clothes. Give them to me. Haha, I’m just kidding. Howdy neighbors. Hey, Vegeta, look. It’s the Heavenly Child, Jesus. Born of a virgin, (they think), and given unto man so that he might deliver us unto Salvation and redeem us of our sin. And Lord knows, Vegeta, you’ve got a lot of sin. I mean, you didn’t even need to kill those kids on that planet. You just did it just to prove that one dude wrong.
NAPPA: Oh my God, I am so pinching him on the cheek. Who’s a cute little Savior. Huh? Huh? Who’s an adorable little Lamb of God? You are. That’s who. You see, Vegeta, I used to say stuff like that to you, but then you grew up to be a jerk. So I stopped.
NAPPA: Vegeta! Spoilers!
VEGETA: Oh Goddam- (baby Jesus stares at Vegeta with arms crossed) um...Gosh darn it, Nappa?
JOSEPH: Ooookay, Mary, I think that was the last of them. We can finally get some sleep. Aaah...
(Joseph, Mary and Jesus fall asleep, but are awakened when Slender Man appears from a nearby window)
SLENDER MAN: Excuse me, is this the Jesus residence?
MARY: Crap! JOSEPH GET THE SHOTGUN!
(story ends and it’s back in the tomb)
HANK: And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.
MARIK: Uh, I’m pretty sure that’s not how the Bible ends.
HANK: Would you like to get whipped in the face? Because that’s what happens to people who question my stories. Whipped in the face! Do you want the whip in the face?
MARIK: Not... really.
HANK: Ishizu, would you like to be whipped in the face?
ISHIZU: No thank you.
ODION: Yes, Master?
HANK: Face whip?
ODION: No, I think I’m- (gets whipped in the face) ow!
HANK: Ah. Now it really feels like Christmas. Okay, Billy, time to open your presents.
MARIK: Let’s see… Ooh, I wonder what’s in this long snake-shaped one.
HANK: Did you try rattling it?
MARIK: Yes, but it just started hissing at me. Rather like a snake.
HANK: Maybe it’s the Buzz Lightyear you’ve always wanted?
MARIK: Oh boy! I’ve always wanted Buzz Lightye-(Ekans comes out and bites Marik) Ow! It's not Buzz Lightyear, it’s a snake!
HANK: Say hello to Cornelius the Second! (Eyes start to roll back into his face)
MARIK: Somebody suck the poison out of my face!
ODION: Hold on, Master Marik, I’ll save you.
HANK: God bless us, everyhwon!
[merry christmas, folks!]
[thanks to indecisivepancake for the nativity story artwork]
NAPPA: May your child one day grow up to be voiced by Vic Mignanyanya.