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← "Melvin'd" #47: "Beyond The Fourth Wall" "Penguin Ex Machina" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Kaiba, Mokuba, Melvin, Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Duke Devlin, Hans, Gruber, Téa, Noah, Serenity, Team 4Kids, Meowth, Jaden

Date: May 25, 2010

Running Time: 9:59

Transcript Edit

(flying cards opening)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged: It's just about the only show Nick Simmons didn't plagiarize.

(The blimp is heading towards Alcatraz; "Prologue" from Army of Darkness soundtrack plays in background)

KAIBA: There it is. The KaibaCorp Duel Tower. The only structure large enough to hold my ego without collapsing. This is the last place I ever thought I'd be coming back to. And yet, here I am.

MOKUBA: What's wrong, Seto?

(music stops)

KAIBA: Oh nothing. I was just thinking about my evil bastard of a father who adopted me so he could put me through hell and treat me like his own personal slave only to spurn my affection at every opportunity.

MOKUBA: Oh yeah... that guy.

KAIBA: You know, Mokuba, being the cliché emotionally-void antagonist, I very rarely feel true joy. But it makes me positively ecstatic to know that he's dead. I may even do a twirl later once all this is over... and when nobody is looking.

MOKUBA: It sure is good to know that our father could never come back from the grave to try and ruin our lives through some highly improbable means.

KAIBA: You said it, Mokuba! Now patch me through to the crew. I feel like rubbing my wealth in someone's face.

MOKUBA: I am so glad he said "wealth".

(Scene of Melvin on deck of blimp)

MELVIN: Rahahahahaha! You won't be rubbing anything in my face, Kaiba, because unbeknownst to you, both your tournament and your series have been cancelled! Ahahahahahahahahah! Hello world! It's time to give Uncle Melvin a hug.

(Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Cancelled Series)

YUGI: Well, it's time for my weekly staring contest with the Millennium Puzzle! And while I may have lost the previous 68 rounds, today I'm feeling lucky. (blimp begins to shake) What the— Oh no! Is it 2012 already?

JOEY: Daeeeee! What the yiff is goin' on?! I think we hit an iceberg or something. I knew we should have made a sacrifice to Poseidon before we left!

TRISTAN: Mmm...Joey's sister.

DUKE: Duke Devlin puts the "wet" into wet dreams.

JOEY: Stop it, you guys! You're making Poseidon angry with your sex dreams! Daeeeeeeeee!

(Joey falls onto Tristan and Duke's bed with a squeak toy sound)

ALL THREE: YAOI!

DUKE: Oh, waking up next to a blonde and a brunette. It's just another morning... for Duke Devlin.

(Back on the bridge)

KAIBA: Report!

HANS: Our navigation systems are offline! Ve are changing trajectory at an alarming rate!

KAIBA: Did you try pressing random buttons?

HANS: Sir, it iz highly unlikely zat zis vould—

KAIBA: Well, do it anyway!

(Hans types on the control panel randomly)

HANS: Ja, Herr Kaiba.

TEA: Yugi, what's that thing?!

KAIBA: That's Phallic Symbol Island. Many years ago, KaibaCorp was a company that designed military equipment. Weapons, vehicles, you name it. But then I took over and we started selling far more useful things. Like trading cards and holographic monster projectors! This island was my father's base of operations.

YUGI: (thinking) I had no idea Kaiba hated his own father so much. Perhaps he and I aren't so different after all.

KAIBA: Are you sympathizing with me?

YUGI: Well, yeah, I mean—

KAIBA: Well, stop doing that! I hate it!

COMPUTER: Warning! Collision with ocean imminent! I hope you've played Bioshock!

KAIBA: Well, this just bites...

(Blimp crashes into the ocean)

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!

KAIBA: (in background) Apparently, I'm fine.

(Blimp recovers from the crash)

JOEY: Oh, is that all you got, Poseidon? You got nothin', man! Nothin'!

MOKUBA: Whoa! Guys, check out the view screen!

(Noah appears on the view screen)

NOAH: Hahahahahahahahaha! Welcome.

KAIBA: Who are you, and why do you look like me back in Season zero?

TRISTAN: Oooooooo, the forbidden season!

NOAH: All your questions will be answered in due course. In the meantime, prepare to be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Do not attempt to adjust your television for I am controlling the horizontal and the vertical. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain for he

KAIBA: Hey, uh, question. Are you just going to paraphrase old movies and TV shows at us or are you actually going to do something?

NOAH: Your mother.

(Noah vanishes)

KAIBA: Hmph. Wonder who that was.

(Music from Star Wars plays)

MOKUBA: Seto! We appear to be locked on course for the giant ocean fortress directly beneath us!

YUGI: That's weird. I don't remember any of this happening in the manga.

SERENITY: Joey, I'm scared!

JOEY: Nyeh, don't worry, Serenity. If we were gonna die, they've had killed us by now.

SERENITY: Who said anything about dying? I'm scared they'll write me out of the show. I mean, what purpose does my character even serve at this point?

JOEY: Uh, well, you're, uh, you're, em, uh, uh, uh—

SERENITY: You don't even know, do you?

JOEY: Gimme a few minutes here, I'll think of something.

(Blimp descends into the fortress)

JOEY: Uh, uh, eh, uh, eh, yeah, that is to say, err— Aw dang it!

(Noah appears on a screen)

NOAH: OK, people, time to disembark. Look lively or I'll have to get deadly.

(guns come out of the wall)

KAIBA: Get real! What are those? Guns that shoot magical bullets that send us to the Shadow Realm?

JOEY: Yeah, knowing 4Kids, they probably just shoot harmless rubber bullets that don't even—

(guns open fire)

NOAH: Oops, my finger must have slipped. Disobey me again and it won't be an accident.

YUGI: We'll do anything you want! Just don't kill me! Or possibly Téa.

NOAH: Make yourselves at home, gentlemen. Hahahaha!

HANS AND GRUBER: Herr Kaiba! Can ve come vith you?

KAIBA: I don't see why not.

NOAH: No! They have to stay here.

TRISTAN: But why?!

NOAH: Because they're not Duelists!

HANS AND GRUBER: Yes ve are! Ve play ze game all ze time.

DUKE: And I only play Dungeon Dice Monsters.

NOAH: Well, that's basically the same as Duel Monsters.

DUKE: Why does everybody say that?

JOEY: Serenity! I just realized why you're still in the show! So that Duke and Tristan have a reason to be here.

SERENITY: (sarcastically) Oh good, now I feel so much better about myself.

(The group walks down a corridor)

TRISTAN: And then the talent agent says: "What's the name of this act?" And then the father says: "The Aristocrats!" ...why isn't anybody laughing?

YUGI: Hey Tristan, remember back in season 1 when you were still funny?

(Bright flash, The Big Five appear)

KAIBA: Ahhh! What the hell?

(Team Rocket motto music from Pokémon anime plays)

LEICHTER: Prepare for trouble!

NEZBITT: And make it double!

GANSLEY: To protect the world from Japanimation!

CRUMP: To overthrow the Kaiba Corporation!

JOHNSON: To denounce the meaning of the original dub!

GANSLEY: To extend our reach to the world above!

JOEY: Hey, it's those mooks from season 1 who tried to kill us in the Virtual World!

KAIBA: The Big Five!

THE BIG FIVE: Team 4Kids, blasting off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!

MEOWTH: Meowth! That's right!

KAIBA: You guys tried to take over my company. First by allying yourself with Pegasus, and then by trapping me in a video-game of my own design. You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you're going to get curb-stomped by Seto Kaiba!

GANSLEY: Thanks to you fools, our minds have been trapped inside cyberspace. But since then, 4Kids took pity on us. They gave us new voices!

TRISTAN: Your voices changed?! That's impossible!

GANSLEY: They also gave us a new job: eliminating all of you!

KAIBA: Yeah...I don't think so. I'll beat you all single-handedly and then return to running my tournament faster than you can say "kay, thanks".

GANSLEY: You still don't get it, do you?

JOHNSON: There is no tournament. Your series has been cancelled.

KAIBA: What?

JOEY: What?

YUGI: What the f*ck?!

GANSLEY: It's true! 4Kids finally saw fit to pull the plug. From now on, if children want to watch anime on American television, they'll have to make do with reruns of Avatar: The Last Airbender!

KAIBA: Avatar isn't anime.

GANSLEY: It might as well be.

KAIBA: You guys are a bunch of senile deluded old men who think they know better than everybody else. No wonder you fit in with 4Kids.

GANSLEY: We'll see how long you keep that attitude of yours when we defeat you and take control of your bodies!

THE BIG FIVE: Hahahahahahaha!!

(holes open underneath Yugi's group)

JOEY: Well, I don't see what's so— AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

SERENITY: Joey!

TÉA: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

SERENITY: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

YUGI: Téa! Serenity!

TRISTAN AND DUKE: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

YUGI: Awww, that's cute. Duke and Tristan got their own little hole.

(Mokuba runs up to Kaiba as a hole opens beneath him)

MOKUBA: Seto! I wanna ride the hole with you!

KAIBA: Wait, no, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

YUGI: Kaiba! Okay, look, uh, hold on, uh, let's just talk about this, okay? Uh, to tell the truth, I've always kinda liked 4Kids. That whole One Piece fiasco, heh, water under the bridge. So uh, how about we just talk about this and maybe we can come to some sort of— oh, who am I kidding, I can't do it. (a hole opens up and Yugi falls in) 4Kids suuuuuuucks!!!

(In Noah's lair)

NOAH: So as you can see, we're far too busy with other projects to even consider going back and dubbing season four. Please accept my apologies.

JADEN: Awww, dizz-aaamn! But we still gonn' do the movie, right?

NOAH: I'll think about it, uh— hold on, I'm getting another call.

JADEN: A'ight, catch ya on the flippity-flip, N-dawg.

NOAH: Yes, yes, yes. What is it, Nezbitt?

NEZBITT: Master Noah, I have terrible news. 4Kids were just de-listed from the New York Stock Exchange!

NOAH: A trivial concern. So long as we still own the rights to Pokémon, we'll be just fine.

NEZBITT: Um, yeah, about that... We don't have those anymore.

NOAH: Really? When did this happen?

NEZBITT: Several years ago, Master Noah.

NOAH: Why didn't anyone tell me?! Oh well, at least we still have One Piece.

NEZSBITT: (coughs) Yes, a-about that...

(Silent pause as screen pans out from Noah's lair)

NOAH: Who the f*ck is Funimation?!

(Ending: Star Wars Gangsta Rap Theme plays)

CAPTION:
[at least we lasted longer
than firefly]

(Stinger: scene of Téa encased in ice while dueling Crump)

TÉA: I was frozen today!

(Post-ending: Back at the blimp)

MELVIN: 98, 99, 100! Ready or not, here I come! ...to murder you! Wait, where the [bleep] is everybody? Hello? Aww, come on! I've been planning my vengeance for the past 10 years and they all just walk away?! Well, so much for that. What am I supposed to do now? Hmm...I wonder if those two German guys are still around...

HANS: Nein! Ve are not on ze blimp!

MELVIN: Hello there! I mean, uh, guten tag! I don't suppose you'd be able to tell me what the German for "hug" is, would you? Ahahahahahahaha!!

HANS AND GRUBER: Ahhh! Achtung! Achtung! Kuscheln!

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