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← "Loopy In The Sky With Duel Disks" #78: "Binary Sunseto" "YGO Kiwami" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Seto Kaiba, Alister, Yami Yugi, Roland, Duke Devlin, Mokuba Kaiba, Joey Wheeler, KaibaCorp employee, bikers, Arthur Hawkins, police officers

Running Time: 11:07

TranscriptEdit

(previous episode)

NARRATOR: Previously, on Yu-Gi-Oh!

KAIBA: (carrying Alister) I have made love to this man!

YAMI: Huh...

KAIBA: I mean, I have played a card game with him.

YAMI: Oh, right, right right, right right.

(Roland runs into the scene)

ROLAND: Mr. Kaiba! Your company is now owned by Dartz!

KAIBA: What's that now?

YAMI: Wait, didn't that character used to be a Nazi or something?

KAIBA: Yeah, we're not doing that anymore. It was stupid.

YAMI: Then why are we doing any of this?

NARRATOR: This time, on Dungeon Dice Monsters...

DUKE: (offscreen, angrily) Oh come on, this is nothing like Dungeon Dice--

(cut to helicopter flying over a valley)

KAIBA: I can't believe my company has been stolen for, like, the third time in a year! You'd think that after a while, our stock would be affected by that. But it turns out, no.

YAMI: Yeah, you're not a really good boss, are ya?

KAIBA: Take that back, Yugi.

YAMI: Name one of your employees.

KAIBA: That's easy. Mokuba.

MOKUBA: Yay! I'm an employee.

YAMI: Okay, name another.

KAIBA: Um...uh... (Kaiba's henchmen stand near him) Uh... (pilot turns to Kaiba) Seto Kaiba?

(title sequence)

(cut to helicopter flying by an aurora)

ROLAND: Mr. Kaiba, we have a team on the ground transmitting the images from the Atlantean ruins. We should have them in the next few minutes.

KAIBA: Oh right. The plot. Using this computer uplink, my men will have the Atlantean text to us in no time. (starts up his computer; Windows XP opening jingle sounds)

YAMI: Fascinating. With these modern computer devices, you can replicate any image you desire. Back in my day, I would be forced to command my slaves to chisel pictures into a nearby wall.

JOEY: These days, most artists expect to get paid, Pharaoh.

YAMI: I did pay them. In exposure.

JOEY: Attention isn't the same as money.

YAMI: No, no, no, no, I mean actual exposure. They'd be out there in the desert for hours just drawing for me. The sun is a cold and yet also very hot mistress.

(cut to ground crew transferring Atlantean data)

EMPLOYEE: Triangulating the uplink. Atlantean text should be reaching you momentarily, Mr. Kaiba. (biker gang breaks into the building)

BIKERS: We're bikers, we're bikers... (repeats into the background)

EMPLOYEE: Oh, no! I'm being attacked...by bikers apparently!

YAMI: By the patented petite patootie of Ptolemy! Those bikers are, like, everywhere, man!

JOEY: Yeah, apparently Dartz will spare you from being wiped out with the rest of humanity if you have basic knowledge of how a motorcycle operates.

KAIBA: We have the images. Now we don't have to go to the museum ourselves.

TÉA: Shouldn't we still go check to see if your guys are OK?

KAIBA: Nah.

JOEY: I'm glad we're not going to Florida because now our near-death experience on that train has been rendered a completely unnecessary waste of our time.

YAMI: I'm also glad we're not going to Florida as it means that we are not going to Florida.

(cut to the desert)

REBECCA: (on a laptop) We're receiving the files now. Loading the images.

YAMI: (via video chat) Wait, aren't you in a moving vehicle in the desert? How do you have Internet?

REBECCA: Turns out Duke doesn't just transmit music when he talks. He also generates a powerful broadband signal.

DUKE: I'm bringing 4G back.

ARTHUR: I'm afraid the quality of these images is much worse than I feared. Unless you clear them up, I can't read a thing.

YAMI: Dude, didn't you find these carvings yourself? Why don't you have any pictures of them?

ARTHUR: The field of archaeology moves so fast that I didn't have the time.

YAMI: So in other words, it's because you're old and technology scares you? Great.

ARTHUR: Are you one of those video games the kids are all raving about?

YAMI: (sarcastically) Yes professor, I am a video game. Beep boop and such. (Caption: actual 4kids dialogue) We'll meet you guys at the pier.

REBECCA: Which pier?

YAMI: You know, the pier.

REBECCA: What pier? Where?

YAMI: I'm really not sure how I can be more specific than that.

REBECCA: Okay. Bye Pharaoh.

YAMI: Yes, goodbye... you. (video chat ends)

(cut back to Yami inside helicopter)

YAMI: OK, does anyone know who the hell that was?

KAIBA: That settles it.

YAMI: Because they seem to know who I am.

KAIBA: We have to go to KaibaCorp! It's the only place we can enhance these images.

YAMI: Oh come on. Surely it's not the only place we can do that.

KAIBA: Oh, like I'm sure any of you unemployed middle class high school students has access to Adobe Photoshop.

TRISTAN: I do!

KAIBA: Legally.

TRISTAN: I mean, I know people who do.

KAIBA: Set course for KaibaCorp's West Coast offices! (cut to helicopter in the sky) Conveniently located adjacent to everything else that's happening this season.

(cut to pier, Duke waves in the helicopter as Rebecca and Professor Hawkins look on)

DUKE: Good thing San Francisco isn't known for having a multitude of piers, or this place might've been hard to find.

KAIBA: (to Roland) Take Rex Raptor and Alister to the nearest medical facility. I'm feeling generous.

ROLAND: But sir, all local hospitals report they're too full due to an unusual number of monster attacks the world over. We have perfectly good medical equipment that we could-

KAIBA: Take them to a medical facility. I'm feeling generous.

ROLAND: Yes sir.

(the helicopter flies back up)

JOEY: So are we just never going to take about the fact that we left Weevil's Underwood's body in the middle of the desert? No remorse for that whatsoever? OK then.

KAIBA: Now that all the protagonists have arbitrarily united, it's time to go save my company from Dartz.

REBECCA: Let me come with you. I want to get that Dartz creep for what he did to my Yugi.

YAMI: I'm sorry Rebecca, what we must do is not something that can be undertaken easily. It is a dangerous task that will put our very souls to the test.

REBECCA: What are you going to do?

YAMI: We are going to go get some photographs enhanced...on a computer. It is our destiny.

REBECCA: I feel like that's something literally anyone can do.

YAMI: And yet, destiny chose me and Kaiba. And not you. So there.

KAIBA: This isn't some kind of field trip kid. But I guess you can tag along if you want.

REBECCA: (angrily) I'm no kid!

KAIBA: Whatever you say, kid.

REBECCA: Don't call me a kid!

KAIBA: Hey, did anyone lose a kid? Because there's a kid here yelling at me a kid voice about how much they love to be called a kid. Anybody? OK, free kid right here. First come first serve on the kid. Half price off kids in aisle 12.

TRISTAN: Hey Teé, let's go tell the police what's going on!

TÉA: Tristan, what makes you think the police can help?

TRISTAN: Téa, this is America! Everyone knows the justice system is super effective here! (laugh track is played in background).

(cut to KaibaCorp; Yami and Kaiba are running)

YAMI: Kaiba, where are we?

KAIBA: A secret underground tunnel to my KaibaCorp U.S.A. branch. This way, we'll get inside undetected.

YAMI: OK, but why are we sprinting?

KAIBA: Because if I can't beat you in a card game, I can at least beat you in a race to the elevator.

YAMI: We'll call it a draw.

(elevator bell dings, its doors open, and music begins playing)

KAIBA: Draw my ass, Yugi.

YAMI: OK, fetch me a pen and paper and I'll draw a straight line on it. (elevator door closes)

(cut to Tea and Tristan talking to two police officers)

TÉA: And so then after our friend lost his soul to a super buff guy who'd spent half his life living on a deserted island, we all decided to go to Florida. You see, there's a museum there where all of Professor Hawkins' research is. And the only way we could access it was by taking a train all the way to the East Coast.

OFFICER: Why didn't you just get someone to email that stuff to you?

TRISTAN: Are you suggesting that there are massive plot holes in Tea's story?

OFFICER: Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's exciting, but when you really examine any part of her story for more than a minute, it all kind of just falls apart.

TÉA: OK, but wait! I'm almost to the part where we met two ghosts in the California desert who just happened to be related to the guy we're fighting. Oh God, you're right; it's all just bullshit, isn't it?

(cut back to the elevator)

YAMI: So... can I add you on Duel Links?

KAIBA: Sure, just text me your friend code and I'll add you later.

YAMI: OK, what's your number?

KAIBA: I gave to you during Battle City. You took out your phone and you made a big deal about saving my contact info.

YAMI: Right, yes. Um... you're going to have to give it to me again.

KAIBA: Did you seriously delete my- (elevator suddenly stops) What the--?

(an Ocubeam smashes into the elevator and then jumps out)

KAIBA: Was that yet another friend of yours Yugi?

YAMI: You seriously think that was one of my friends?

KAIBA: It kinda looked like Joey.

YAMI: You know, it might've been Joey.

KAIBA: (punches the elevator control box) Breaking stuff will fix it! (elevator bell dings and opens partly; Kaiba and Yami both pull the doors the rest of the way open) If I'm right, we should be on floor 35, which is housewares and giant terrifying monstrosities that will eat your face! (various monsters surround the duo)

REBECCA: (over speakers) Need some help boys?

YAMI: Rebecca, where are you?

(cut to Rebecca, Joey, Duke, and Professor Hawkins. Rebecca is typing on a laptop)

REBECCA: Watching you guys. I've hacked into KaibaCorp's mainframe and now I have access to all systems.

JOEY: That is definitely what hacking looks like. A bunch of 0's and 1's. This is so friggin' accurate.

REBECCA: So I could just push one little button and let you guys into the computer room, but... you have to apologize for calling me a kid first.

(cut back to Yami and Kaiba)

KAIBA: Yugi, I think this kid is trying to ask us something, but unfortunately, I don't speak kid, do you?

YAMI: I'm bi a lot of things, but lingual is not one of them.

(cut back to Rebecca and the rest of the gang)

REBECCA: And I guess that's about as good as I'm going to get. Opening the mainframe doors.

(doors open, Kaiba runs to the computer)

KAIBA: This giant computer is for some reason the only thing that can enhance photos apparently. (Kaiba swipes one of his cards into the reader) Computer, it'd be real nice if you could identify me.

(computer scans Kaiba's right eye)

COMPUTER: Passive aggression detected. Duty scowl acknowledged. Seto Kaiba identified. (screen reads Seto Kaiba - OK) Welcome back, asshole.

KAIBA: Computer, reboot with backup systems! (computer reboots) See, all the screens turned from red to blue. That means all the bad stuff in the computer is gone now.

YAMI: I know nothing about computers, but that sounds about right.

KAIBA: These images from the museum are of extremely high quality, so I had to bring them to the most futuristic storage hardware known to man: a 5 1/2 inch floppy disk.

YAMI: I'm an ancient Egyptian pharaoh and I feel old right now.

(images of the Atlantean ruins appear on the monitors)

KAIBA: Computer, analyze the Atlantean inscriptions and cross-reference with every known archaeological database! (The Seal of Orichalcos appears on one of the images) Or just draw The Seal of Orichalcos on there; that works too.

REBECCA: What does it say, Gramps?

ARTHUR: "After a thousand-year old slumber, the black serpent will swallow the sun and paradise will rule once more." It must be referring to Atlantis.

YAMI: By the calm-hithered glance of Cleopatra! Atlantis! That makes perfect sense!

KAIBA: Didn't we know all about Atlantis this whole time? Isn't that why you guys wanted to check out the museum in the first place? How is this new information in any way?

YAMI: Kaiba, sometimes I just love to blow off steam by reacting to obvious statements that everybody knew about as if they were massive plot twists. Why don't you give it a whirl?

KAIBA: Okay, I guess that could be fun. Hang on--that insignia on the carvings. It's the same insignia used by the secret Illuminati-style organization who bought out my company!

YAMI: I thought Dartz was the one who did that.

KAIBA: And now I'm going to reveal who is in charge of that organization!

YAMI: It's obviously going to be Dartz.

KAIBA: Oh, no! Yugi! The man in charge of the organization that has taken over my company is Dartz! I can't believe what a twist this is! (Yami glares at Kaiba) Too much?

YAMI: Way too much. (the monster army breaks through the doors) Oh no! We have to get out of here!

(Kaiba makes it to a nearby elevator)

KAIBA: Oh, look. I won the race to the elevator; how did that happen?

YAMI: (runs up to Kaiba) Confound your elaborate trickery, Kaiba!

(the elevator takes Yami and Kaiba to the top; both run away from a pursuing Kaioptera and Serpent Night Dragon; Lesser Dragon, Barox, and Headless Knight burst through the elevator doors)

KAIBA: This is exactly why I never visit the American branch of my company!

YAMI: Frequently hunted down by monsters out here?

KAIBA: If by monsters you mean shareholders, then yes.

YAMI: Hey Kaiba, wanna reenact a scene from Back to the Future Part II?

KAIBA: I'd rather throw myself from the roof.

YAMI: Right-o! (he and Kaiba jump off the roof, only for the Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet to pick them up)

KAIBA: Suck it, monsters that are not dragons! Thank God for Microsoft Flight Simulator! (Barox and Lesser Dragon attack the jet, causing it to plummet to the ground) Damn you, Microsoft Flight Simulator! (Yami and Kaiba jump out of the wrecked jet) Dartz, you may have taken control of my company and blown up one of my buildings, but you weren't able to stop us from enhancing some photographs! Who's laughing now?

YAMI: Kinda seems he would.

KAIBA: It's totally him, isn't it?

(ending; Duke sings "4GBack" to the tune of SexyBack)

DUKE:
I'm bringing 4GBack. Yeah!
You other networks don't know how to act. Yeah!
So if you're lonely and you wanna chat. Yeah!
Just call Duke Devlin; there's an app for that. Yeah!

CAPTIONS:

[that's the second plane kaiba's crashed in as
many episodes]

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SPECIAL THANKS TO
DuelingDestiny
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arisune
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The Kauffman family
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