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← "Magnum Farce" #39: "Card Games At 20,000 Feet" "Final Deathstination" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Marik, Odion, Mokuba, Kaiba, Gruber, Hans, Tristan, Téa, Joey, Yugi, Bakura, Ishizu, Serenity, Duke, Zack & Cody, Florence

Date: April 25, 2009

Running Time: 7:49

Transcript Edit

(intro)

YAMI: EA Sports: It's in the card game.

(In the KaibaCorp stadium)

MARIK: In order for my evil plan to succeed, I must behave like one of Yugi's friends. Odion, you're the expert on being bland and one-dimensional. I command you to tell me your secret!

ODION: I don't know. Mostly I just stand here and say, 'Yes, Master Marik'.

MARIK: Sweet mamma-jamma! That is all you do, isn't it?

ODION: Yes, Master Marik.

MARIK: Friggin' layabout! As soon as we get back to Egypt, I'm docking your pay.

ODION: Yes, Master Marik.

MARIK: And then it's bye-bye to your Gummi Bears collection!

ODION: Asshole.

(Title sequence)

(Yugi and his friends enter the stadium)

MOKUBA: Look, Seto! Yugi and his friends have arrived!

KAIBA: Whoop-de-f***ing-doo.

GRUBER: Velcome. I am Gruber, und zis is mein brother, Hans.

HANS: Ve need to be seeing your locator cards before ve are letting you pass.

KAIBA: These guys are my elite KaibaCorp security agents.

JOEY: Yeah, great security, Kaiba. We just walked through the front door, no problem. And by the way, good job holding the secret Battle City finals in the largest, most obvious building in the city. I never would have guessed they'd be in the huge open-topped KaibaCorp stadium!

HANS: Do not disrespect ze Führer or ve shall be forced to shoot you in ze kneecaps!

GRUBER: Heil Kaiba!

KAIBA: You might want to tone it down a notch, guys.

GRUBER AND HANS: Ja, mein Führer.

(Marik enters the stadium)

TRISTAN: Hey, look! It's that mysterious yet highly attractive stranger that we met a few episodes ago.

MARIK: Hello everyone! I have absolutely nothing interesting to say!

TÉA: Wow, not only is he drop dead gorgeous, but his personality is vapid and uninteresting. He'll fit perfectly between my thighs! I mean, within our circle of friends.

JOEY: (thinking) I don't trust this guy. Maybe it's the way he was ranting about destroying the Pharaoh right before he told all those Steves to kidnap us? Nah, I'm probably just being paranoid.

TÉA: (presenting Marik to Yugi): Future husband, allow me to introduce my future sex slave.

YUGI: Hey there. I'm Yugi Moto, gullible idiot in training.

MARIK: Soon I shall destroy everything you hold dear! I mean, hello. I am Malik Blishtar, not to be mistaken with Marik Ishtar.

YUGI: Your words sound vaguely suspicious, but I'm too distracted by your midriff to notice. Seriously, I bet you could grate cheese on those abs.

MARIK: Yes, but the smell tends to linger something awful.

JOEY: (thinking) I still think there's something fishy about that guy.

MARIK: Wahahahahaha! Destroy you all!

JOEY: (thinking) Man, if I could only put my finger on it.

(Bakura enters the stadium)

TÉA: Hey, it's the other sexually ambiguous character!

YUGI: Bakura, what are you doing here? You should be in the hospital.

BAKURA: Somehow I managed to cure my wanker's cramp, enter the tournament, win six Locator Cards, and find my way here on foot in less than one episode.

YUGI, JOEY, TÉA, AND TRISTAN: Over-the-top anime reaction!

TÉA: I can't believe we're expected to believe all this.

YUGI: And yet apparently we do. God, we're stupid! This must be what it feels like to be Tristan!

TRISTAN: Zack and Cody are my imaginary friends!

(Odion enters the stadium)

BAKURA: I say, chaps, it appears there's another bloke coming this way.

KAIBA: State your name.

ODION: I am Marik Ishtar. I like to take control of people's minds and dress in highly effeminate clothing. Also I have an irrational hatred for Gummi Bears. I'm pretty much the worst boss ever.

MARIK: No, I'm not! I mean, er, who is this strange person of whom I've never heard of? He seems like a big, bald jerk!

ODION: Yes. I, Marik Ishtar, am a huge jerk.

MARIK: Cut it out, you knobhead!

ODION: Yes. I, Marik Ishtar, am a knobhead.

MARIK: (offscreen) I command you to stop agreeing with me!

KAIBA: Look, I don't know what the [bleep] is going on here, but you're on notice. I don't take kindly to kidnapping and attempted murder, but since you have a God Card, I suppose I can allow you to be in my tournament finals. However, try anything funny and I'll probably issue you a stern warning and wag my finger at you. Then you'll be sorry.

MOKUBA: Can't we just have this guy arrested, Seto?

KAIBA: This is Japan, Mokuba. In this country, card games are the only law.

GRUBER: Heil Kaiba!

JOEY: You know, it figures that the finals would be happening in the only building large enough to contain Kaiba's ego.

(Airship theme from Super Mario Bros. 3 plays in background)

KAIBA: That's where you're wrong, Wheeler. There is no building large enough to do that. That's why the finals will take place in the sky.

(The KaibaCorp airship hovers overhead)

JOEY: Man, that is the second largest card game-based zeppelin I've ever seen!

YUGI: You know, some billionaires like to use their money to help society. Seto Kaiba spends it on enormous blimps and dragon-themed amusement parks.

(The airship lands)

GRUBER: Everybody on board ze KaibaCorp doomship! Ve have free wi-fi und snacks for ze kids.

KAIBA: We can take off now.

GRUBER: But mein Führer, ze final contestant, she has not yet arrived.

KAIBA: Then I guess it sucks to be them.

GRUBER AND HANS: Ja, mein Führer.

(Ishizu Ishtar approaches the ramp)

ISHIZU: Sorry I'm late. I was busy predicting the future.

HANS: Zen vy didn't you predict zat you vould be late?

ISHIZU: Because shut up.

(The airship in flight)

GRUBER: Attention, passengers! Ze finals shall commence in approximately two hours. In ze meantime, ve invite you to look out ze window at ze city below, which shall soon be demolished to make vay for Herr Kaiba's glorious utopian society. Heil Kaiba! Long live ze master race!

SERENITY: Thanks for standing by me, Joey. You're the best brother a girl could ask for! Even though it took us about one and a half seasons to finally be in the same scene together.

JOEY: Don't worry, Serenity, from now on I ain't gonna neglect ya. I'm going to treat you with the same respect I show Tristan and Téa.

(Téa, Tristan, and Duke Devlin enter Joey's room)

TÉA: It's party time!

("Conga" by Miami Sound Machine plays in the background)

TRISTAN: Tristan Taylor is in the hizzy!

JOEY: Who let you people in here?

TRISTAN: Let's raid Joey's minibar and get totally wasted!

DUKE: I'm so naughty, I should be spanked!

TÉA: Woohoo, best party ever!

JOEY: How the heck am I supposed to train for the finals with all this noise? Where the hell is that security?

(In the hallway)

GRUBER: Just vatch, Hans, he will be so excited.

MOKUBA: Hey, what are you guys up to?

GRUBER: Ve just wanted to show ze Führer our new KaibaCorp logo.

(He holds up a symbol; it is the Nazi flag with the swastika replaced with the KaibaCorp 'K-C' logo)

HANS: Ja, ve spent veeks designing it.

MOKUBA: My brother is way too busy to look at your stupid drawing!

(Inside Kaiba's room)

KAIBA: (thinking) I love yugiohcardmaker.net so much. I could spend hours making these things.

(Kaiba holds up a card called 'Lolpanther'. It shows Panther Warrior poking its head out of the ceiling, and its rules text says 'Ceiling Panther Warrior is watching you masturbate')

(Back in Joey's room; loud slapping is heard in the background)

JOEY: Great, now Téa's pulled down Duke's pants and she's spanking him. That image is now burned into my retinas for the rest of my life.

TRISTAN: Ehhhh! I'm so drunk right now. Maybe I should flirt with Serenity!

(Zack and Cody appear in hallucinations)

CODY: Go for it, Tristan, she's ripe for the picking!

ZACK: Yeah, Cody's right!

CODY: Wait, I thought you were Cody.

ZACK: Does it really matter at this point?

DUKE: Hey, Serenity, want to see the most beautiful thing in the whole world?

SERENITY: Okay.

(Duke points out the window)

DUKE: I call it "my reflection".

SERENITY: Wow.

DUKE: I know.

(As Duke's SexyBack music continues, Tristan bursts into tears; Zack and Cody appear next to him)

CODY: Aw, man! [bleep]blocked!

ZACK: Don't be a jerk, Cody!

CODY: Dude, I'm Zack. You're Cody.

ZACK: Maybe we're both Cody.

ZACK AND CODY: O-o-ooh...

(In Marik's room)

MARIK: Curse these non-fluffy pillows! How do they expect me to concentrate on being an evil mastermind if I can't even get my [EFF!]ing beauty sleep?

(In Odion's room)

ODION: And God bless Gruffy, and Grammy, and Tummy, and all the other Gummi Bears. Amen.

(In Yugi's room)

YUGI: Another day, another predictable card game tournament. Gee, I wonder if I'll win?

YAMI: Hey, Yugi, did you notice anything strange about Bakura?

YUGI: No, why do you ask?

(cut to Florence eating a steak with exaggerated bloodthirstiness)

FLORENCE: Om nom nom...!

YAMI: No reason.

(Joey's room. The first guard's face is on a video screen)

GRUBER: Ze Battle City finals are about to begin. Everybody gather in ze main hall for ze pre-tournament milk und cookies. Heil Kaiba!

(In the hallway)

MARIK: (to Joey) Hey Steve, good luck in the finals. Try not to get utterly destroyed by the evil Marik Ishtar… who I am not.

JOEY: Hey, thanks, Malik. You know, at first I didn't trust you, but let me tell you, pal, you're all right.

MARIK: I like you too, Steve. That's why I'm going to kill you last!

JOEY: Man, that is classic Malik! You are such a kidder!

(Yugi's room)

YUGI: It's showtime, Synergy!

(Yugi inserts his deck into his Duel Disk. He transforms into Yami as "Truly Outrageous" plays)

End

CAPTION:
[even this show's
filler has filler]

Stinger

(A scene from the English dub of "Enter the Shadow Realm" plays)

YAMI MARIK: I must find those fools. Hmm? What's this?

(Onscreen is "Charlie Bit My Finger - Again!")

(Yami Marik laughs)

Post-ending

FLORENCE: Hmm, I could murder a cup of tea.

(Fade to black)

GRUBER (pops up onscreen): Heil Kaiba!

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