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Chenquieh!/Transcript

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← "Final Deathstination" #41: "Chenquieh!" "So Long & Thanks For All The Trading Cards" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Mokuba, Yugi, Joey, Kaiba, Gruber, Odion, Marik, Serenity, Tristan, Duke, Zack & Cody, Shadi, Pegasus, Croquet, Chad

Date: June 25, 2009

Running Time: 8:22

Transcript Edit

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged! We're about as half as popular as Team Four Star... hmph!

(inside blimp)

MOKUBA: (comes out of the elevator) Oh, sorry I took so long, guys. Stupid Mass Effect elevator technology.

YUGI: Mokuba! Thank goodness! We have to get Bakura to safety!

JOEY: (singsong) You gotta land the blimp, man!

MOKUBA: Seto says landing is out of the question, and he also said to direct all complaints towards somebody who gives a crap.

JOEY: Hey, open this damn door right now, Kaiba! (punches on door) Nyeh! Nyeh! Nyeh!

MOKUBA: (Nyeh sound in background) Whoah! Stop it, Joey! You're making a huge mistake. Whoahoh!

JOEY: Nyeh! Oh, yeah! What's the worst that can happen? (Kaiba opens the door and Joey continually punches him in the chest with Nyeh! sound in the background)

KAIBA: Punch me again and find out. Please.

(pause)

JOEY: (punches him again) Nye—

Intro sequence

("Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" plays)

GRUBER: Due to ze near-fatal wounding of one of our contestants, zere will be a twenty-minute delay before ze start of ze next round.

ODION: This song always makes me think of Mom...

MARIK: (stirring iced drink with his finger) These are going straight onto my nipples! HA-HA! Ice cube fetish...

KAIBA: You people are wasting your time. This blimp stays in the air and that's final!

YUGI: But Bakura could die if we don't get him to a hospital!

KAIBA: That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

SERENITY: Mister Kaiba, please! Show some compassion!

KAIBA: Show some what now?

TRISTAN: Hey! Don't talk lik—

DUKE: ("SexyBack" plays in the background) Hey! Don't talk like that to Joey's severely spankable sister!

KAIBA: Poor kid. Tell me, Serenity, what's it like to be related to a furry?

JOEY: (now with a black eye for punching Kaiba) Nyeh, Ix-nay on the urry-fay, Kaiba!

SERENITY: Joey, what's a furry?

JOEY: Eh, um, nyeh, he didn't say "furry", he said, uh, "fury". As in the kind I have. You know? Brooklyn Fury!

KAIBA: Sorry, didn't quite catch that, did you just say "Brooklyn Furry"?

JOEY: Oh, go yiff yourself, Kaiba!

KAIBA: Whatever that means...

JOEY: Nyeh, Google Image it, ya jerk!

TRISTAN: Hey, um, Serenity, um, you know, I was just wondering, uh, after this tournament's over, would you ever consider maybe, uh--

DUKE: ("SexyBack") Hey, Serenity, how'd you like to fly Air Devlin?

(Zack and Cody appear around Tristan's head with "SexyBack" in the background)

ZACK/CODY: Look, Tristan, that son of a bitch is stealing your woman!

ZACK/CODY: You know what you must do!

ZACK & CODY: Make him disappear! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahahahaha!

(Yugi is in his room, seemingly alone)

YUGI: Oh, faithful trading cards. You're the only real friends I have. Except for you, Berfomet. You're kind of an asshole. What's that, Dark Magician Girl? You wanna make out? Well, I'd be happy to— (Shadi appears) Holy jeez! How long have you been standing there?

SHADI: Long enough.

(on Duel Deck)

TRISTAN: Duke, I know you put a spell on Serenity, so she would fall in love with you and I want the antidote.

DUKE: ("SexyBack") Sorry, Tristan, I can't help it if the ladies love to play with my dice.

TRISTAN: You just brought sexy back for the last time, witch.

ZACK/CODY: Kick his ass, Tristan.

ZACK/CODY: Yeah! Really [bleep] him up good.

TRISTAN: (attacks Duke) Where is your broomstick now? Hey, stop dodging. Ow! My voice gives me super str— Aaaarghh, I'm tripping! Tripping... tripping... tripping...

(One of the Zack & Cody floating heads falls off the blimp)

CODY: Ahhhhh!

ZACK: No, Cody!... or maybe it was Zack.

(in Yugi's room)

YUGI: Hey, you're that guy from Duelist Kingdom.

SHADI: Jagshamesh! My name is Shadi. I am here to help with very much saving of the world, and maybe when I am finish, we go and find woman and have sexytime!

YUGI: I suppose it could be worse, you could be acting like Bruno.

SHADI: High five!

(outside blimp)

DUKE: ("SexyBack") Oh my God! We're gonna die!

TRISTAN: Duke, stop screaming!

DUKE: ("SexyBack") I can't believe I'm actually gonna die in a showing about [bleep]ing card games!

TRISTAN: Duke, please, it's pointless. After all, in space no one can hear you scream!

(Yugi's room)

YUGI: So what do you do exactly? Just show up at the end of every season and explain the plot?

SHADI: I have many roles in your story, little Jew-boy. One is to provide you with backstory, but my first and foremost task is to protect the fourth wall. Great success!

YUGI: The fourth wall? What's that?

SHADI: Without the fourth wall, the balance of the universe would be turned upside down. Man would become like the animal, animal would become like the dirt, and dirt would become like the Jew.

YUGI: Y'know, Shadi, you're kind of a buzz-kill.

(outside blimp)

TRISTAN: Duke, no matter what happens to us, I want you to remember one thing: in another few hours, the sun will rise!

DUKE: ("SexyBack") What the [bleep] does that mean?!

TRISTAN: (crying) I don't know, but it's true!

(Yugi's room)

SHADI: Your old friend Maximillion Pegasus once came dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall when he visited my homeland of Egypt. Like many people from America, he was seeking to exploit our Third World country. Happytime!

(flashback)

(AC/DC's "Back in Black" kicks in, mirroring the opening scene from the 2008 movie Iron Man)

PEGASUS: This music is so unfabulous! Don't you have anything by ABBA?

SHADI: (voiceover) For years, Pegasus had been searching for the Pharaoh's tomb. It was like movie-film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, made by deceitful Jewish filmmaker Steven Spielberg, only not quite so disappoint.

PEGASUS: (slams hand onto map) At this rate, we're never going to find the Pharaoh's tomb!

SHADI: If you promise to rid my land of the Jew, I will show you where it is hidden.

PEGASUS: Well, when we first met, you took out my eyeball and replaced it with a cursed artifact, but I'm sure this time you have only the best intentions for me.

SHADI: Yes, I screw you up good.

(back outside the blimp)

TRISTAN: Ohhh! I can't hold on, Duke! I can feel my hand slipping!

(Tristan and Duke speak simultaneously)

TRISTAN: Oh! I can feel it! I'm gonna let go! Oh no! This is terrible! We're going to die! I can't...I can't...

DUKE: No! No! Don't let go, dude! Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ! Oh, I'll never sleep with another woman again! Oh God, oh Jesus!

TRISTAN: (deadpan) Hey, Duke?

DUKE: What?

TRISTAN: Just kidding.

(silence)

TRISTAN: Hey, look! I can see my house from here! Hi Mom, hi Dad!

TRISTAN'S MOM AND DAD: Hey, Tristan!

(back to flashback)

SHADI: (voiceover) When Pegasus saw the Pharaoh's tomb, he was so excited. He was like woman after being given shiny new cage to sleep in.

PEGASUS: Jeeeeesus! This is one of the most important historical finds in centuries! I'm turning this [bleep] into trading cards!

SHADI: But then, something go horribly wrong.

(Pegasus' office)

CROQUET: Yeah...everyone involved with the production of the Egyptian God Cards was killed.

PEGASUS: What?! Even Chad from accounting?!

(cut to a man being blown out of a skyscraper window by a red light)

CHAD: AAAAAAAARGH!

(Pegasus' office)

CROQUET: Especially Chad from accounting.

SHADI: And so, Pegasus decided to design the cards himself.

PEGASUS: It's like I'm stealing from the Egyptian Gods' deviantART account! (camp giggle) I'm so naughty-naughty-naughty!

SHADI: But that very night, he was plagued with nightmares that make his khram shrink like tiny mouse.

(Pegasus and Shadi are floating in the air above a burning landscape)

PEGASUS: In the name of all that is camp, what is happening?! Where am I?

SHADI: What you are seeing is the future. If you allow the Egyptian God Cards to fall into the wrong hands, then the fourth wall will be destroyed and the world as we know it will cease to be.

PEGASUS: If you knew this would happen, then why did you take me to the Pharaoh's tomb in the first place?

SHADI: I am, how you say, kind of a dick.

(Pegasus' art room)

PEGASUS: What dark forces have I unleashed? Dirty hands! Dirty, dirty hands!

SHADI: And so, with the help of gypsy woman Ishizu, Pegasus hid the Egyptian God Cards where even the craftiest of Jews would not be able to find them.

(end flashback)

YUGI: Yeah, because obviously he couldn't have just destroyed them or anything.

SHADI: The power of the cards was too great for them to be simply destroyed.

YUGI: Riiiight, so the power of the Egyptian Gods prevented a guy from tearing up a few pieces of paper that he painted himself. Sure. Okay.

SHADI: As I was saying—

YUGI: (coughs) Bullcrap! (coughs)

SHADI: What?

YUGI: What?

(outside blimp)

TRISTAN: (singing)
96 Duel Monsters cards on the wall,
96 Duel Monsters cards.
Take one down, trade it around,
95 Duel Monsters cards on the wall.
95 Duel Monsters cards on the wall,
95 Duel Monsters cards
—Duke, you're not singing!

(Yugi's room)

SHADI: You must beware, Yugi. The Egyptian Gods were never meant to be controlled by mortal men. That is why you alone, as the Chosen One, must possess the God Cards, so that the fourth wall will forever stand.

YUGI: So let me get this straight. According to this show, the Egyptian Gods are real?

SHADI: Yes.

YUGI: But, doesn't that mean that all other religions are wrong? And the hokey Ancient Egypt religion is the only real one?

SHADI: Yes.

YUGI: Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

SHADI: I did.

(outside blimp)

TRISTAN: I can't believe it! We're being rescued by a stranger wearing a turban! And then they disappeared. This can only mean one thing: I have a fairy godmother!

DUKE: ("SexyBack") Is she a MILF?

TRISTAN: She kinda looks like Piccolo.

DUKE: ("SexyBack") Yah. That's a MILF.

Ending (AC/DC's "Back in Black" plays again)

CAPTION:
[rest in peace
chad from accounting
1979 - 2009]

(Stinger, from "Alone in the Dark")

KAIBA: Now give me my stone!!

YUGI: I don't have your stone! And [bleep] you anyway!

Post-ending

YUGI: Tell me, Shadi, is it true that our show's going to be cancelled after Season 2?

SHADI: Never fear, tiny Jew. I am sure the good people at 4Kids will renew you for another season.

YUGI: Whew! Well, that's a load off my mind—

SHADI: Not!

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