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Counseling Evil 1/Transcript

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Episode 01 Episode 02 →

Cast (in order of appearance): Marik Ishtar, Steve Lumis, Steve Umbra, Weevil Underwood, Rex Raptor, Rebecca's Teddy, Maximillion Pegasus, Zorc Necrophades, Bandit Keith

Running time: 5:24

Transcript Edit

MARIK:
♫ In the event of something happening to me
There is something I would like you all to see ♫
♫ It's just a photograph of my oh-sexy butt
Have you seen my butt, Mr. Jones? ♫

[Marik keeps singing]

LUMIS: He's been singing this for several hours.

UMBRA: Yeah, it's getting annoying!

LUMIS: Every other time he sings it, he changes one of the words to "butt". Eventually he will just be singing to word "butt" over and over... and over.

UMBRA: Repetition is the second-lowest form of humor! Right next to reference jokes!

WEEVIL: Yeah. Uhuhuhuhuh. Repetition sucks.

REX: Yeah. Heheheh. It sucks!

MARIK: It is I, the leader of the Evil Council of Doom, who shall decide if and when something sucks, and I declare that I do not.

TEDDY BEAR: Could have fooled me.

MARIK: What?

TEDDY BEAR: Face it, Marik. You suck. This whole Evil Council sucks. It gives evil a bad name. And it already had one in the first place: "evil". The worst name possible.

MARIK: Well, I think I'm doing a spiffing job myself. Why, just last month we switched out one of Pegasus's Spice Girls CDs with a Justin Bieber album. He was devastated.

PEGASUS: I'm still not talking to any of you.

MARIK: It's so weird how he still comes to our meetings just to tell us he's not talking to us.

TEDDY BEAR: We shouldn't be performing evil acts on one another. We should be forcing our evil upon the forces of good! Destroying their heroes. Making their insides be outsides!

MARIK: But that will hurt them! A lot!

TEDDY BEAR: That's the point!

MARIK: I thought the point was just to laugh and point and just be kind of scary and threatening but never really do anything of merit. But also to have lots of good insults for our minions.

TEDDY BEAR: No.

MARIK: Silence, foolish minion! See, that's an example right there.

TEDDY BEAR: Being evil is about taking control. About having absolute power and letting it corrupt you to your very core. It's about destroying anything and anyone who gets in your way. It's about enjoying the feel of blood on your hands and revelling in the suffering of others.

MARIK: Okay, so what part of being evil requires you to have an adorable little button nose like you do?

TEDDY BEAR: Cute, but your words can only go so far.

PEGASUS: What are you suggesting, Evil Teddy Bear?

TEDDY BEAR: I'm suggesting we vote! Right now. We can either let Marik continue to lead us down a meaningless path to nowhere because he's too busy pining for his boyfriend to do anything of substance...

MARIK: Hey, I've done lots of substances while pining for my boyfriend! I mean, none of what I just said happened happened.

TEDDY BEAR: ...or we can elect a new leader. A strong leader. A leader who only needs his battery switched out once every eight hours! Or six on a particularly busy day.

MARIK: Wait, you need batteries to run?

TEDDY BEAR: I'm a talking teddy bear. What do you think?

MARIK: Funny, Bakura had a friend who also required batteries.

TEDDY BEAR: Bakura. Always Bakura. Well, he has plenty of new friends now. And unless you want to make this simple and go join them, then I suggest we vote. Who should lead the Evil Council? Me or that giant horny idiot over there?

ZORC: Hey, uncalled for!

TEDDY BEAR: Sorry, Zorc. I meant Marik.

ZORC: Oh. Yeah, he's got you there, mate.

MARIK: Nobody has "got me there, mate"! I'll show all of you. Before you choose your leader...

LUMIS: Teddy.

WEEVIL: Teddy.

REX: Teddy.

ZORC: Teddy.

MARIK: No wait, friggin' dumbasses, hear me out first! I'm willing to put things right. I can be the evil mastermind you need me to be. I can do what must be done. But first I must go on a pilgrimage. A journey of self-discovery. I can learn those talents that are required for true evil to be victorious. But I need a week. A single week to learn from the greatest teacher that evil money can buy.

PEGASUS: Oh, so you got that Groupon deal for the evil lessons.

MARIK: What? No, I... I was summoned... by a dark emissary who promised to unveil such incredible...

PEGASUS: Yes, it's right here on Groupon: "Seven Days to Learn the Ways of Darkness: Guaranteed to Make You Go from Henchman to Master in 10 Easy Steps".

MARIK: Look fine, I saw it on Groupon, and I jumped on it, but you guys gotta let me take this course. So I can prove I have what it takes to take what they have.

LUMIS: Tell me Marik, are you a belt in a trashy romance novel?

MARIK: What?

LUMIS: I said are you a belt in a trashy romance novel?

MARIK: Of course I've got a belt, what are you friggin' blabbering...

LUMIS: Because it sounds like you just got ripped the f**k off.

LUMIS, UMBRA, TEDDY, ZORC, WEEVIL & REX: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...

MARIK: No, you fools! Cease your "ohhh"-ing at once!

PEGASUS: Ooooooooooooooooooo...

Later, in an undisclosed location...

MARIK: So is it true? You can make me actualize the evil within myself? Achieve the mischievous? Take me one step closer to badness?

BANDIT KEITH: Trust me, Marik! With your money and my easy-to-follow program I'll have no problem making Marik great again... in America.

[cut to black; "Mona Lisa" by The Lonely Island plays]

To be continued...

[cut back to Marik and Keith]

MARIK: Actually I was hoping, if things go well, we could do this in Egypt?

BANDIT KEITH: Will you cover my flight?

MARIK: Sure.

BANDIT KEITH: Then yes!

[cut back to black]

To be continued...

[cut back to Marik and Keith]

BANDIT KEITH: Oh, and will I get a per diem?

MARIK: Sure we can work something out.

BANDIT KEITH: Yeah!

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