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Date: 22 August 2008
Running Time: 6:52
NARRATOR: Previously, on Crap:
YUGI: Grandpa's gone missing!
GRANDPA: No, I haven't! I'm right here!
YUGI: Where on Earth could he be?
GRANDPA: Right over here.
JOEY: I just won four tickets to India. And I didn't even have to play a children's card game.
YAMI: I'm still around, making it really difficult to pinpoint when this spin-off actually takes place.
PILOT: Your faaabulous in-flight movie is High School Musical 2!
(Yugi and his friends scream)
TRISTAN: Unfortunately, our plane crashed.
TEA: It is rather annoying.
ALEX: Allow me to provide you with some dull exposition.
YUGI: We have to find my Grandpa, along with all the other Yu-Gi-Oh characters that appear to have gone missing.
LITTLE KID: Not funny!!
NARRATOR: And now, the continuation.
(Yugi, Téa and Tristan appear in midair, then land roughly on the ground)
YUGI, TÉA and TRISTAN: Army of Darkness! Oof!
TÉA: Right on my firmly toned booty!
TRISTAN: It feels like we were falling for months. Fifteen months, to be exact.
YUGI: And just what in the hell is this supposed to be?
TÉA: It looks sort of like a Duel Disk.
YUGI: Téa, for the last time, card games do not exist in this universe.
TRISTAN: Yeah, Téa, quit living in the past.
TÉA: I was just saying, is all.
TRISTAN: Quit living in the past, Téa!
TÉA: Okay, geez. But it does look kinda like...
TRISTAN: The past!
TÉA: What is this mysterious land that in no way resembles Duelist Kingdom from Season One?
TRISTAN: And what's that weird noise?
TÉA: I can't hear anything.
TRISTAN: (crouches down and places his ear on the ground) Shh! Something Japanese this way comes.
(Green Hill Zone from Sonic the Hedgehog plays in the background)
TRISTAN: (incoherent scream)
TRISTAN: M. Night Shyamalan was right!
(Tristan grabs Téa by the hand and runs off)
TÉA: Bye, Yugi! Good luck! Let us know what happens!
YUGI: (thinking) God, I hate that bitch. And Téa's pretty annoying, too.
(cut to Joey climbing a cliff)
JOEY: In the time it took for the second episode to come out, I've managed to climb this mountain. Now how the heck do I get down? I know, I'll just call upon those deus ex machina eagles from the Lord of the Rings movies. Save me, Peter Jackson! (Joey is picked up by a Kurama) Hooray, it worked! Thank you, Weta Workshop.
(Green Hill Zone plays in the background again; cut to Tristan and Téa running away from the Gokibores)
TÉA: I do believe in bugs! I do believe in bugs! I do, I do, I do, I do, I do believe in bugs! I do.
TRISTAN: Hey, look, a cave. That must be where all the special candy is.
TÉA: (nodding) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm!
(Téa and Tristan jump into the cave and land on a beach face first)
TÉA and TRISTAN: Directed by Sam Raimi! Oof!
TRISTAN: Patooey! Hey, this candy tastes like ass.
TÉA: Hmf, hmf. Patooey! Okay, where the heck did those freakish mutations come from?
TRISTAN: Perhaps we reproduced without our knowledge.
TÉA: Tristan, those are not our children.
TRISTAN: Don't say that! They'll have abandonment issues.
TÉA: He looks like that monster I was playing with in the first episode. I think I'll call him... Friendly McFrienderson III.
(cut to Joey struggling to free himself from the Kurama's grasp)
JOEY: I am such a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings movies. Hey, do you know Frodo? Is Gandalf really a nice guy? Hey, is that New Zealand down there? I just love New Zealand. It's like my second favorite place in the entire world. My favorite place is Brooklyn. Am I talking too much? You just let me know if I'm talking too much and I'll stop. Hey, can you tell Legolas that I hate him? (Kurama drops him) Waaaaaaah... ow! You lousy eagle! I hope a Nazgûl beats the crap outta you! Huh. I wonder how Yugi's doing?
YAMI: Ugh! The pain! And yet strangely arousing.
YUGI: (in spirit form, appearing next to Yami) Look out, Pharaoh! There are millions of fangirls taking screencaps of this scene!
YAMI: The fiends!
(cut to Joey in a Kurama nest)
BABY KURAMAS: Where is the new episode? Where is the new episode? (Kuramas continue repeating this in the background)
JOEY: Eh-nyeh? Oh, you guys must be LittleKuriboh's overly-demanding fan base. Don't worry, I'm sure he's very hard at work on new material. One episode every two months ain't so bad, right?
BABY KURAMA: (jumps at Joey) Update!
JOEY: Nyeeeeh! Must evolve wings! Oof! (lands into another Kurama nest)
BABY KURAMAS: Where's the new episode? Where's the new episode?
JOEY: Okay, okay, look, the new episode will come out in a few weeks. (He jumps, Kurama noise stops) Suckers. Those birds will believe anything. Oh hey, I can see my imminent death from here. Comedy falliiiiiiing! (falls on tree branch) Ow! Right on the little Joey. Curse you, Pocahontas...
TÉA: So let me get this straight. Those cute little monsters hatched out of those weird egg-shaped rocks, and now they're ours to command?
TRISTAN: I don't know how they managed it, but 4Kids have made our show seem even more like a shameless Pokémon ripoff.
TÉA: Oh no! Tristan! You said the forbidden word! In your foolishness you have unleashed the Kraken!
TRISTAN: First there was no candy and now we're going to die. This spin-off has been one disappointment after another. Still, at least it's better than GX.
TÉA: I wonder if Yugi's doing any better than we are.
YAMI: (burning trees) Hahahaha! Yes! That's right. Burn! Burn until there's nothing left! The rainforest can kiss my pasty Egyptian butt.
TRISTAN: Use Thunderbolt, Tristan Jr!
THUNDER KID: Piiii-kaaaa-chuuuu!
SUBTITLE: I do not accept my slave name!
TRISTAN: Oh no! The Kraken blocked my electric attack by surrounding itself with water! That makes perfect sense! (the Kraken attacks Thunder Kid with a blast of water)
TÉA: See Tristan, this is why we never let you play the card game.
TRISTAN: Téa, protect my son! He's all I have!
TÉA: Don't worry, Tristan, I shall heal you with the boundless power of friendship! And also with magic. (Happy Lover heals Tristan and Thunder Kid)
TÉA: Stop making references to awesome TV shows and go kick that Kraken's butt!
TRISTAN: Téa, please. Don't raise your voice in front of the kids.
(cut to Joey riding on Baby Dragon)
JOEY: This definitely isn't Pokémon and I'm definitely not riding on Charizard right now. God, I hope Nintendo doesn't sue.
(cut back to beach)
TRISTAN: Go, Tristan Jr! Make that Kraken pay for appearing in those crappy Pirates of the Caribbean sequels!
THUNDER KID: Chuuuu!
SUBTITLE: Die, CGI abomination!
(shocks the Kraken with electricity, destroying it)
TRISTAN: I love you, Tristan Jr.
THUNDER KID: Pika pi!
SUBTITLE: You're not my real father!
TÉA: I wonder how Yugi's doing.
(cut to Yugi running in the forest alongside Yami in spirit form)
YAMI: Check it out, Yugi. I'm riding on my invisible bicycle.
YUGI: Yeah, that's not really very funny the seventeenth time you do it, Pharaoh.
YAMI: You're just jealous because I have an invisible bicycle.
YUGI: (thinking) Dammit, he knows my secret.
YUGI: Haa, haa, haa. Okay, I'm sick of running. I'm just gonna stand here and wait for everybody to find me. After all, I am the main character. Sooner or later the plot will just catch up.
GRANDPA: Excuse me, hello. Have you seen my grandson anywhere? He's about five feet tall, likes to dress up in leather, and spends every waking moment playing card games. He also likes to pretend that he's an Egyptian pharaoh. Personally, I blame the rap music.
YUGI: Grandpa! I'm surprisingly happy that you're alive! (jumps and hugs Grandpa)
GRANDPA: Um... hi. Have we met?
CAPTION: TO BE CONTINUED...
NARRATOR: Next time, on Crap:
LITTLE KID: Not funny!
(black screen for a few seconds)
BABY KURAMA: Where's the new episode?