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← Episode 02 Episode 03

Cast (in order of appearance): Alex Brisbane, Yugi, Téa, Tristan, Grandpa, Joey, 1KidsEntertainment, Yami Yugi

Date: 14 November, 2013

Running Time: 7:09

Transcript Edit

(soundtrack from "Lost" in the background)

CAPTION: previously...

NARRATOR: Previously, on Deep Space Nine...

ALEX: Step on the map.

YUGI: No.

ALEX: Step on the map!

THE ENGINEER: Nope. (His neck stretches.)

ALEX: Come on, step on the map!

CAPTAIN PICARD: NO! NOOOOOO! (breaks some glass)

(cut to Téa and Tristan)

TÉA : (pointing) Who's that Pokémon?

(cut to Happy Lover, then to Thunder Kid)

TRISTAN: It's Pikachu! Goddamnit, ah! (He gets on the floor.)

(cut to Yugi with his grandpa)

GRANDPA: Hello! I'm here now.

YUGI: Who are you?

GRANDPA: I don't know...

(cut to Joey riding on Baby Dragon)

JOEY: I'm on a Charizard! I sure hope I can find a Mega Stone to make it Mega Evolve into Mega Charizard. That would be mega.

1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY!

CAPTION: and now...

NARRATOR: And now... the continuation.

(Nighttime. Yugi, his grandpa, and his friends are sitting around a campfire.)

GRANDPA: Hello everyone! I am very excited to join you on your new adventure. I hope you're not too bothered by my constant mouth-breathing, my heart attacks, my incontinence, my old war stories, my memory loss, my occasional heart attack, helping me take my medicine, going to the bathroom, cleaning out mah poops, and all the other enjoyable tasks that come with living with an almost dead person.

YUGI: Well, we're down a Joey, but we gained a Grandpa. Doesn't seem like a very fair trade.

GRANDPA: Nonsense, I'm just as much fun as Joey ever was. Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!

YUGI: Was that you trying to go "Nyeh"?

GRANDPA: No, that was a heart attack.

YUGI: Well, that's a relief.

(We see a brief shot of Grandpa and what looks like the side of Yami's head, with the words "NOT YAMI" covering Yami's eyes.)

GRANDPA: Also, I pooped.

YUGI: Okay, all those in favor of getting rid of Grandpa, say "aye".

TÉA: Aye!

TRISTAN: Don't get rid of Grandpa! He's the best grandpa I've ever had.

YUGI: Tristan, he's not your grandpa.

TRISTAN: Then why do I call him Grandpa?

YUGI: Because you're Tristan.

(Title sequence, set to "Get Down Tonight" by KC and the Sunshine Band.)

TÉA: I've got an idea. Let's tell scary stories around the campfire!

YUGI: Oh, I have a really scary one. Once upon a time, there was a duelist. And he was challenged to a card game by another duelist. The game went on for hours, and the duelist was about to win with only three turns left, but then his opponent activated Swords of Revealing Light, which prevented him from attacking for three turns...!

TÉA: ...Was that the whole story?

YUGI: Yeah. It was terrifying, right?

TÉA: That was a stupid story that would only scare idiots like Tristan!

TRISTAN: I am an idiot like Tristan and I'm scared of that story.

TÉA: Hey, Yugi, how about we go somewhere and I can activate your "Sword of Revealing Light"?

YUGI: I don't follow.

TÉA: You know; I'll summon your "Soldier of Stone"...

YUGI: Eh?

TÉA: ...Play with your "Horn of the Unicorn"...

YUGI: I don't have any of those cards, Téa.

TÉA: Dammit Yugi just let me give you

JOEY: (being carried by Baby Dragon) Heads up, guys! It's me, Joey! And I'm on a dragon.

TRISTAN: Can I ride the dragon after you, Joey?

JOEY: Heheh, no. (starts eating) Nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-nyem-(continues in the background)

YAMI: So let me get this straight. We're all of us trapped in a terrible Yu-Gi-Oh! spinoff, and we must find our way out before they decide to make an action figure based on Tristan.

TRISTAN: I will have kung-fu action grip, and when you pull my string I will say "Guhroogamesh!".

YAMI: Not if I can help it, you won't!

TÉA: Guys, look! Those flowers!

YAMI: Téa! Stop being distracted by pretty things and try to focus on this pretty thing. And by that I mean mah face.

TÉA: But look at the flowers!

YAMI: Téa, if you want flowers I'll buy you some when we get home. That way, you can continue pretending that I like you. But until then—

TÉA: Guys-look-at-the-flowers!!

YAMI: My God! The flowers! They aren't flowers at all! They are actually really, really, really, stupid-looking monsters that would only scare an idiot like Tristan!

TRISTAN: I am an idiot like Tristan and I'm scared of those monsters.

YAMI: Evil flowery wolves, stand down from the funk! Grandpa! Distract the wolves by throwing yourself at them!

GRANDPA: Wait, what, I— Gahh! (is attacked by two Flower Wolves) The wolves have got me, Yugi!

YAMI: Good job, Grandpa. Now, Tristan, (points at the sky) create a distraction while I point at the sky dramatically!

TRISTAN: Babba-booie, Howard Stern, babba-booie!

YAMI: Well done, Tristan! Now let us run away really, really fast and avoid facing the problem!

CAPTION: [this is what they actually do]

GRANDPA: Wait, where did everybody g— (is attacked by two more Flower Wolves) Gah! The wolves have got me again, Yugi!

(the next morning)

YAMI: Thank Ra, we got away. And it was all down to my quick thinking. They didn't elect me to be Pharaoh because I'm a dummy, you know.

TÉA: Actually, pharaohs aren't elected. They have a very si—

YAMI: Téa. No.

TÉA: Okay.

YAMI: How are you holding up, Grandpa?

GRANDPA: I have so many internal wounds...

YAMI: Hang in there, old man. Keep a stiff upper lip.

GRANDPA: (groans) Everything is stiff.

YAMI: TMI, Grandpa. TMI.

(cut to a temple)

JOEY: Check it out, guys. A tremendous temple.

YAMI: I've seen better.

JOEY: And inside there's a tremendous teapot.

YAMI : (very serious) That's no teapot.

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

(Dramatic music plays, as a genie appears from the lamp.)

YAMI: My God! Robin Williams! My mortal enemy.

GRANDPA: Robin Williams? He is the most powerful card in all of Duel Monsters!

YAMI: F*ck off, Robin Williams! We don't want any of your family-friendly shenanigans!

JOEY: Yugi, you crazy? We could get three wishes from this guy!

TRISTAN: (whispering) Psst, Yugi. Wish for more wishes. It's the perfect crime.

YAMI: Robin Williams! For my first wish, I wish that Yu-Gi-Oh! GX never happened! And for my second, I wish that Téa would stop hitting on me. 'Cause that ain't happenin'! And for my third, I wish that the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game made sense!

(Robin Williams attacks Yami, knocking him back)

YAMI: I suppose even Robin Williams can't pull off miracles.

JOEY: Nyeh, that teapot seems more dangerous than I thought.

YAMI: That's no teapot. I summon the Passive-Aggressive Celtic Guardian!

CELTIC GUARDIAN: God, I wish some people would stop posting on Facebook about cats all the time.

YAMI: Wait, what? Who's doing that?

CELTIC GUARDIAN: Oh, you know. Lots of people.

GRANDPA: Oh no! I wet myself! (the area starts to flood) And we're going to drown!

TÉA Why does this sh*t keep happening to me?

(Téa and Grandpa are frozen solid)

TRISTAN: Hooray! My wish came true! Now I just have to kill Joey and I'll be the only supporting character left.

JOEY: Look! It's another teapot!

YAMI: That's no teapot! It's an ice elemental! (thinking) Wait. Robin Williams uses Fire. And the ice elemental uses Ice. And Ice is weak to Fire. And Fire is strong against Ice. And Earth, Wind & Fire sang Boogie Wonderland. That was a good song. Yes! Dance! (singing, again in his thoughts) Boogie Wonderla-and.

JOEY: Yug, a little help here? We're trying to fight the monsters!

YAMI: One sec, Joey. I need to get my groove sufficiently on.

JOEY & TRISTAN: Go, Digimon-ripoffs!

1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY!

YAMI: Behold! Conveniently, each monster's strength is the other's weakness. (Robin Williams and the ice elemental attack and destroy each other)

JOEY: I like how in this episode we solved all of our problems by essentially avoiding them.

YAMI: I like that, too.

(Téa and Grandpa are thawed out)

TÉA: I'm all better now.

YAMI: I don't like that. How are you, Grandpa?

GRANDPA: I can't feel anything from the waist down. So I'm pretty much back to normal.

YUGI: (next to Yami in spirit form) All for one, and one for all!

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

YAMI: That doesn't really apply to this situation, but okay!

(a stone tablet with Egyptian hieroglyphics appears)

JOEY: Watch out guys, there's another teapot!

YUGI: Joey, what is it with you and teapots?

JOEY: I see teapots everywhere, man. It's a serious problem.

GRANDPA: It's an ancient Egyptian tablet! Here, I'll translate what it says. (clears his throat) My parents said that they would let me defeat the Pharaoh if I get over 50,000 reblogs on this tablet. Please reblog so that I can defeat the Pharaoh.

YUGI: Oh, man. It's an ancient Egyptian Tumblr post.

TÉA: I am deeply offended by what it said even though I don't remember what it was.

YUGI: Looks like we have to find whoever put this here and kick their ass because they offended Téa somehow. C'mon, gang! I'm sure it won't take another four years to make the next episode!

1KIDSENTERTAINMENT: NOT FUNNY!

CAPTION: next time...

NARRATOR: Next time, on "Crap".

(cut to Grandpa in the forest)

GRANDPA So is the episode over now? Gah! (is attacked by two Flower Wolves) Someone help me!

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