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← "Desperately Dueling Susan" #59: "Crowd Atlas" "How Kaiba Got His Groove Back" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Serenity Wheeler, Téa Gardner, the doctor, Tristan Taylor, Mokuba Kaiba, Ishizu Ishtar, Yugi Muto, Yami Yugi, Melvin, Seto Kaiba, Gruber, Duke Devlin, Espa Roba (unvoiced), Rex Raptor, Weevil Underwood, Mako Tsunami, Priest Seto, Pharaoh, random woman, Maximillion Pegasus, Bandit Keith (unvoiced)

Running time: 12:19

Transcript Edit

(flying cards opening)

YAMI: You know, sometimes people ask me if I play Pokémon. (laughs) I don't.

(In the hospital)

SERENITY: Joey, please wake up. Open your eyes.

TÉA: Doctor, you have to save him. Quick! Inject him with 40 ccs of friendship.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry. We've done everything we can. Only a miracle can save your friend now.

TRISTAN: (grabs the doctor by the collar) Then why aren't you using one of those?!

MOKUBA: I'm sorry, guys. There's some sort of electrical interference preventing us from contacting the nearest hospital. It could be days until we get help for Joey.

ISHIZU: (offscreen) He doesn't have days.

TÉA: (surprised that she didn't notice Ishizu) Ah!

ISHIZU: In his current condition, Joey could die at any minute.

TÉA: Oh my God! Ishizu! Where did you come from?

ISHIZU: I've been here the whole time.

TÉA: Oh... I didn't notice you.

MOKUBA: We're trying really hard to get Joey some help, but in the meantime, if you guys—

TRISTAN: You're not trying hard enough, young man!

MOKUBA: But we're doing everything we can.

TRISTAN: Don't you sass me, boy. Now go to your room!

MOKUBA: I don't have a room. Seto makes me sleep in the ship's exhaust port. It smells really funny in there.

ISHIZU: Do not worry, my friends. Soon the Pharaoh will be victorious and all will be well again.

TÉA: Holy sh*t! Where did you come from?

ISHIZU: I've been here the whole time.

TÉA: Weird, I totally didn't see you. Hah! Scared the crap out of me.

ISHIZU: Yes. So anyway—

TÉA: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

(title sequence)

YUGI : (crying at Joey's bed) Joey... was counting on us and we let him down. It's our fault. It's all our fault.

YAMI: No more crying, Yugi.

YUGI: What?

YAMI: No more crying. I can't have you crying during my duel with Kaiba. It will be very distracting. Or else, we won't be able to defeat Melvin. No doubt, he's already hard at work plotting his next cruel scheme.

MELVIN: (looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror) Would you f*ck me? I'd f*ck me. I'd f*ck me hard.

YAMI: (punches the wall) Damn you, Melvin. You killed Joey and now you broke my hand. Are there no limits to your evil?

(Cut to Yami and Yugi in the elevator. Yami is humming to the elevator music. Yugi sniffles.)

YAMI: Very distracting! No more of that. Rude.

(at the top of the Duel Tower)

KAIBA: Yugi, at last, it comes to this. You and me. Rival vs. rival. One last epic duel to decide which one of us is truly worthy of the title "King of Games". I've been waiting so long for this moment.

YAMI: Didn't I already beat you like a gajillion times?

KAIBA: That's not a real number.

YAMI: Yes. You see, they had to invent that number because that's how many times I've beaten you.

KAIBA: Shut up!

(Yami laughs)

GRUBER: Ze duel between Herr Kaiba and Yugi Muto is about to begin! Activating ze holographic field!

(A holographic Colosseum appears, with HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA playing in the background)

YAMI: Hey, what's going on?

KAIBA: Behold Yugi, the duel arena! The location of your ultimate defeat!

("We Will Rock You" by Queen plays)

KAIBA (singing):
Yugi, you're a fool
Winning big duels, trying to play it cool, buddy, I'm gonna screw the rules.
You got mud on your face, big disgrace,
Seto Kaiba's gonna put you back into your place.
Sayin', we'll play, we'll play card games.

YAMI (singing):
Kaiba you're a man, you've got no fans.
Beat me if you can. Try to summon your blue dragon.
It's gonna end just the same. King of Games.
Then somebody's gonna put me in the Hall of Fame.
Sayin', we'll play, we'll play card games.

(In the airship)

TÉA: What's happening out there, Duke?

DUKE: (looking out the window; SexyBack plays in the background): I think they're singing... Yep, pretty sure they're singing. It's f**king weird.

(On top of the Duel Tower)

KAIBA: Despite the grandiose environment I placed us in, this is going to be a very simple, by-the-numbers duel. Mano-a-mano. One ordinary duelist versus another.

YAMI: And may the best pharaoh win!

KAIBA: Don't start with that already. It's like you actually think you're from Ancient Egypt or something.

YAMI: Bitch I might be.

KAIBA: I activate Enemy Controller!

(As Enemy Controller appears, a small "BETTER WITH KINECT SENSOR" icon is shown on the bottom right corner.)

YAMI: Wait, I thought you had to be online to play with that thing.

KAIBA: With this card, I can unlock hidden extras that make the game even easier for me. Watch: Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Start!

YAMI: What does that do?

KAIBA: It gives me unlimited cards!

YAMI: Okay, but how does that help?

KAIBA: What?

YAMI: Won't that just make it harder for you to draw the card you want?

KAIBA: No! It-It... I have unlimited cards now! You only have forty! That is much less than what I have!

YAMI: Forty, eh? Isn't that how many times I beat you?

KAIBA: No, you beat me like three ti— Wait, no!

(Yami laughs)

KAIBA: All right, you asked for it! Take this! A-B-A-C-A-B-B-Start!

(Yami and Kaiba now have enlarged heads)

YAMI: Okay, I'll bite: What mode is this?

KAIBA: DK mode. It makes our heads considerably bigger.

YAMI: For what purpose, exactly?

KAIBA: I'm not quite sure.

YAMI: Your cheat codes are a fine-ass madness, Kaiba!

MELVIN: (appears in the wall of the Colosseum) Did somebody say "fine-ass madness"? Oh look, the babies are fighting again! Looks like somebody needs to get a smacked bottom. Or maybe I'll just tear out their throats. Wouldn't be the first baby I've killed today.

MOKUBA: C'mon bro, take it to the hoop!

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

KAIBA: Now I sacrifice my XYZ-Dragon Cannon to summon my God Card, Obelisk the Tormento

YAMI: Go, Lightforce Sword!

(Lightforce Sword stabs Kaiba's card, impaling it into the ground)

KAIBA: What... did you just throw a sword through my f**king card?

YAMI: Looks like you should've adopted a new strategy, Kaiba! Eh?

KAIBA: Did you just—

YAMI: Losing that card must have felt like abandoning your own child. But of course you must know how that feels! Eh?

KAIBA: Stop that!

YAMI: You know, I orphan get told I'm a better duelist than you. Eh?

KAIBA: Say that I'm adopted one more time. See what happens.

YAMI: You're right, I shouldn't make fun of you. After all, your daddy must be very proud of you!

KAIBA: Don't you even—

YAMI: Whoever that is.

KAIBA: That does it! I activate this card! (activates Interdimensional Matter Transporter)

YAMI: Well, I activate this card!

KAIBA: Then I activate this card! (summons Y-Dragon Head)

YAMI: Then I activate this card! (activates Soul Rope)

(Yami and Kaiba continue to activate cards in the background)

MELVIN: Geez, everywhere I go people are always fighting over which one of them gets to be murdered by me. Joke's on these guys, I'm gonna kill'em both. My treat.

KAIBA: I activate this card! (summons Z-Metal Tank)

YAMI: I activate this! (activates Exchange)

KAIBA: Well, I activate this!

YAMI: And I activate your mama!

KAIBA: Then I activate... what?!

YAMI: You heard me Kaiba. Your mama. I activated her.

KAIBA: Tch.

YAMI: Yes, you can stop searching, Kaiba. After all these years, it turns out that I'm your daddy.

(Kaiba growls in frustration)

YAMI: Eheheh.

KAIBA: That does it, Muto! You've stalled for too long! Now, allow me to be the first one to introduce you to my own Egyptian God—

YAMI: Too late, I'm summoning mine!

KAIBA: What?! No! That's not fair! You can't possibly be about to summon your God Card before mine!

YAMI: Bitch I might be. Behold! I give you Slifer the Executive Producer! In all his executive glory!

KAIBA: Oh... my... money.

YAMI: Don't you mean "God"?

KAIBA: You worship your thing, I'll worship mine.

(cut to Domino City, with several spectators including Espa Roba, Rex Raptor, Weevil Underwood and Mako Tsunami watching the Duel on a large screen)

ANNOUNCER: It looks like Yugi's got Kaiba on the ropes. He's going to have a hard time beating that God Card, folks!

REX: Uhuhuhuhuh. "Beating".

WEEVIL: Yeah. Hehehehe. And "hard".

MAKO: I haven't seen a beast that massive since I harpooned that kraken off the coast of Japan.

WOMAN: That was a baby dolphin, murderer.

MAKO: Well, it looked like a kraken! Tasted like one, too.

(cut back to Duel)

YAMI: I hope you believe in God, Kaiba. Because he's about to kick you in the tushy.

KAIBA: I don't think so. Time to find out which of our God Cards is truly the strongest! I summon the all-powerful Obelisk the Tormentor!

YAMI: Oh my various gods.

KAIBA: I hope you enjoyed being called King of Games, Yugi. Because you're about to become the Duke of Dorks!

DUKE: Hey!

KAIBA: This is the moment of truth, Yugi. You like to talk about fate, destiny, friendship...

YAMI: (thinking to himself, sarcastically) Oh good, this again. I just love his douchey monologues.

KAIBA: Now go Obelisk, attack Yugi directly!

YAMI: Not so fast, Kaiba!

KAIBA: (speaking extremely slowly) Gooo, Oooobelisk, attaaaack Yuuugi...

YAMI: No, I mean hold on a second.

KAIBA: Oh right. Yeah, that makes way more sense.

YAMI: I activate Card of Sanctity, causing both our God Cards to have the same attack points, cancelling out the attack!

(Cut to Ishizu praying at Odion's bedside)

ISHIZU: By the Gods themselves, the battle between Kaiba and the Pharaoh is threatening to damage the very fabric of existence! If only I could be there to experience such an epic battle of wits.

(cut back to Kaiba and Yami dueling)

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAIBA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAIBA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAIBA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Obelisk and Slifer destroy themselves in the attack)

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAIBA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

KAIBA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YAMI: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(A ball of white light envelops Yami and Kaiba, cut to both of them floating beneath an upside-down pyramid in Ancient Egypt.)

KAIBA: What the—what's happening? Where are we?

YAMI: Behold, Kaiba! The Gods are showing us the truth about our past! I give you our sexy ancient Egyptian ancestors!

KAIBA: Why are they white?

YAMI: What?

KAIBA: I mean they're Egyptian, right? Why are they white?

YAMI: Why would you choose to focus on that?

KAIBA: And for that matter, aren't we supposed to be Asian? Why are we white?

YAMI: Kaiba, stop activating the race card and listen! They are about to say some really important things, in ancient Egyptian no less.

(cut to the Pharaoh and Priest Seto duelling, speaking in "Egyptian" which is actually English playing in reverse)

PHARAOH: [ I like chicken, I like liver, Meow-Mix, Meow-Mix, please deliver! ]

CAPTION: Priest Seto, your reign of terror is at an end!

PRIEST SETO: [You should follow the official TeamFourStar Tumblr account!]

CAPTION: It is your terrible reign that is going to be ending!

MOKUBA: (off-screen, sings "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King" )

CAPTION: Big Brother! Is it time for my ancient Egyptian cameo yet?

PRIEST SETO: [Shut up, Mokuba.]

CAPTION: Shut up, Mokuba.

KAIBA: I hate it when they make you watch with subtitles.

YAIMI: See, Kaiba? This bizarre and confusing hallucination proves that we are destined to play a card game with each other, like we are doing.

KAIBA: This proves nothing.

YAMI: Proves you're a dick!

(cut back to Duel; Melvin's Millennium Rod activates)

MELVIN: What's this? What the frig, Millennium Rod? Why aren't you obeying me? Have you been sleeping with somebody else? I thought we had something evil!

KAIBA: Well that was weird.

YAMI: I'll give you one thing, Kaiba. You're one of the strongest opponents I've ever faced. The only person who ever came close to being as manly and virile as you is Maximillion Pegasus.

KAIBA: Are you taking the piss?

YAMI: No. How would I even do that?

KAIBA: Pegasus wasn't manly. He was a fop. A fruit. A fruity foppish fruit-fop. Comparing me to him is an insult. I'm a very down-to-earth serious guy.

MOKUBA: Hey Seto, the interior decorators called! They want to know what color wallpaper you want in your new office!

KAIBA: Make it blue and covered in cartoon dragons!

YAMI: Don't be ridiculous! Pegasus was a very macho guy, full of testosterone and confidence! He was a true man's man!

KAIBA: Yeah, he was a man's man, alright. He was that man's man, and that man's man, he belonged to all kinds of men.

YAMI: I don't follow.

KAIBA: Are you telling me you seriously didn't pick up on any of the signs?

(Various flashbacks begin)

PEGASUS: Oooooh!

(cut to Duelist Kingdom, with Bandit Keith pointing a gun at Pegasus' head)

PEGASUS: Oooooh!

(cut to Yami Duelling Pegasus through the TV)

PEGASUS: Oooooh!

(cut to Pegasus standing in front of a helicopter)

PEGASUS: Oooooh!

(cut to Pegasus with Kaiba)

PEGASUS: Oooooooooh, Kaiba-boy!

KAIBA What are you, gay?

PEGASUS: Bitch I might be.

(end flashbacks; cut back to Duel)

KAIBA: Now, Yugi, face the wrath of my Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! It is highly unlikely that you have the only card that can stop me from— oh God, you have it, don't you?

YAMI: I activate De-Fusion! Oh, where are my manners, would you like me to tell you what it does?

KAIBA: I know what it does.

YAMI: Are you sure? Because you might need a reminder.

Kaiba: No, I've— I've been playing this game for a very long time. I know what all the cards do.

YAMI: Okay. But only if you're certain.

KAIBA: I'm 100%—

YAMI: De-Fusion allows me to defuse your Ultimate Dragon into the three monsters that created it, making my Dark Paladin stronger than any of the monsters on your side of the field!

KAIBA: (shouting over Yami's explanation) Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutthef*ckup!

(during this argument, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon separates into three Blue-Eyes White Dragons, followed by Yami destroying all three monsters and causing Kaiba to lose the Duel. Yami finishes his explanation)

YAMI: In summation, Kaiba: You suck. I win. You lose. Take care now. Bye-bye, then.

KAIBA: Yugi, you may have beaten me, but I'll have my revenge in the movie, probably. Maybe. Eh.

YAMI: Good luck with that, you skinny bastard! You may be rich beyond your wildest dreams, and in charge of the biggest corporation in the world, but I am the vaguely titled King of Games. And in the end, isn't it far more valuable?

KAIBA: No.

JOEY: Hey, Yug. I'm alive again!

YAMI: How did that happen, Joey?

JOEY: I just woke up while I was offscreen.

YAMI: Neat.

(ending; HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA plays)

CAPTION: [the baby Melvin killed was Espa Roba's]

(stinger, from "Pilot")

KAIBA: (voiced by Eric Stuart) Draw your last pathetic card so that I can end this, Yugi.

YAMI: (voiced by Dan Green) My grandpa's Deck has no pathetic cards, Kaiba. But it does contain... (he reveals Exodia the Forbidden One in his hand) the unstoppable Exodia!

KAIBA (with Michael Scott's voice): Noooooooo! God! No, God, please, no! No! No! Noooo!

(post-ending; cut to Flash animation made by CrikeyDave)

PEGASUS: Oooooooooh, Kaiba-boy!

KAIBA: What are you, gay?

PEGASUS: Yeh.

(Kaiba is left with a disgusted expression)

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