[Want To Be Close' from the Persona 3 soundtrack playing in background]
DAN GREEN: Are you tired of being unappreciated? Sick of being ignored by your friends and work associates? Is your wife and or girlfriend withholding sex? I thought so. Hello! I’m famous voice actor slash musician slash international heart-throb Dan Green! And with my invaluable help you too can be as popular as LittleKuriboh. All it takes is a little thing called "Plagiarism".
RANDOM GUY: Plagiarism? What’s that?
DAN GREEN: I’m glad you asked, stupid idiot. Webster’s Dictionary defines "Plagiarism" as [Shows definition with the following while he reads it: Taking and using another person’s thoughts, writing’s and inventions as one’s own. see also movie producer.] but what it really means is that you can be popular just by following another person’s example and that means making your very own Abridged Series on YouTube.com.
RANDOM GUY: But I don’t know the first thing about writing a comedy series. I don’t even know what the word Abridged means.
DAN GREEN: Wow! You are really dumb! Which means you’re perfect to demonstrate what I’m talking about. You see anybody can make an Abridged Series, it doesn’t require any skill whatsoever. All you need to do is follow a few simple steps and the rest happens all by itself. The first step in making an abridged series of your own is to choose an Anime that suits the abridged format. It has to be popular [Shows a brief shot of Naruto], that way more people will be interested in it regardless of how good your work actually is. As an example we’ll be using Neon Genesis Evangelion [Shows Japanese Title], perhaps the most popular anime series ever made. For some reason they didn’t want me to do a voice in it, but that’s their loss. Now that you’ve chosen your series, the next step is to create the voices you’ll be doing for the characters. If you don’t have any voices you’re not going to be able to use any of those hilarious jokes you’ve written about how Shinji is a gay emo kid.
RANDOM GUY: But I can’t do any voices.
DAN GREEN: Shut up little man! If you can’t do any voices of your own, there’s a very easy way to fix that problem. Many Audio recording Programs [Shows Windows Sound Recorder] come with electronic filters that change the pitch and tone of your voice making it sound completely different. But more importantly it sounds totally natural. Here’s an example of a scene from Neon Genesis Evangelion the Abridged Series done using this technique.
SHINJI: Look Everyone, is Asuka!
ASUKA: (High-Pitched) Hello Shinji!
SHINJI: Hey Asuka, I’m a gay emo kid.
ASUKA: And I’m a slut. I want your d*ck!
SHINJI: Look, there’s Rei.
REI: (Low-Pitched) Hello Shinji!
SHINJI: Asuka and I were just saying how I’m a gay emo kid, and she’s a slut.
REI: That’s funny, I’m a gay emo slut.
ASUKA: Okay you Win!
DAN GREEN: Perfect! I can already taste the subscribers. One of the most important things to remember about making an abridged series is that the plot doesn’t need to be coherent, you don’t need to address the plot whatsoever, after all the only ones who’ll be watching it are the people who have already seen the show, so who cares if it makes sense. So now you have the show and the voices, but before you start recording all hilarious dialogue, you’re going to need to spice it up a bit. And the only way to do that is to insert random pop culture references into every single line.
RANDOM GUY: But wouldn’t that–
DAN GREEN: Every single line! And make sure the references are extremely dated, that way nobody will remember them. And they’ll think you created something original. To illustrate my point, look at this scene from Neon Genesis Evangelion the Abridged Series.
SHINJI: Ow! Bitch why’da hit me for?
TOJI: Because you’re a gay emo kid.
SHINJI: Oh, yeah!
KENSUKE: I’m an Imp!
DAN GREEN: Whoa! That simply won’t do. I didn’t count any pop culture references, therefore it wasn’t funny. Now let’s see what happens when we change things around a little.
SHINJI: Man, that was almost as painful as when they cancelled The OC.
TOJI: I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!
KENSUKE: All your Eva are belong to us!
DAN GREEN: yes that was Pop Culture-riffic! I am in hysterics! If you can’t think of any pop culture references then the next best thing is to use as many internet fads as you can lay your hands on. These will seem intrusive and obscure, but that’s what makes it so funny. Here’s and example.
ARMY MAN: Oh No! The Angel is attacking the City!
[Shows the battle of Brian Pepper's face on the Angel while he's pummeling the EVA]
ASUKA: (As Luigi) That’s Mama Luigi to you Mario!
RITSUKO: Blasphemy... This is madness!
GENDO: Madness... THIS IS SPARTA!
DAN GREEN: Hilarious! Who cares if it’s derivative? With material this good you’ll soon be writing the next installment of the Scary Movie franchise! Perhaps the most important step in creating your own Abridged Series is to use entirely inappropriate music at regular intervals. Not only does it provide an extra joke, it also stretches the episode out. You don’t even have to write anything, that’s how valuable it is. Let me show you what I mean.
[Shows clip while playing Sexyback with the following lyrics sung by Shinji]
SHINJI: I’m bringing Emo Back! You other emos don’t know how to angst...
[Shows another clip with Misato thrashing her car while Chamillionaire's song Ridin' plays in the background]
[Shows another clip of Asuka fighting while Living In the Sunlight, Loving In the Moonlight plays in the background].
DAN GREEN: See, I just wasted about 30 seconds worth of video, and I didn’t even have to write anything. It’s brilliant! I am a genius! Once you’ve made the first few episodes of your abridged series people will start flocking to it in droves. Most of them will be searching YouTube for Illegally uploaded episodes of Evangelion, rather then from any genuine interest in your work, but who cares! So now you’ve achieved the status of internet celebrity, it’s as meaningless as it sounds, but now that you're respected on the information super highway it’s time to get lazy. Yes, one of the most important things to do when making an abridged series is to stop making it for several weeks. If you’re really, really committed to it, you’ll stop making it for at least 4 months. That way people’s expectations will reach unreasonable levels, and you’ll never be able to fulfill them. One final word of advice, you must always, always end your videos with an extremely funny joke. Otherwise, it just feels really awkward, and the whole concept falls to pieces. Uhhh... goodbye.