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Note: In this episode, Lumis and Umbra were both only referred to as Steve. In other appearances of these characters, various names have been used for them. (See their character page for details.) For clarity, their official English anime names, "Lumis" and "Umbra", are used on the transcript.
Date: 28 February 2009
Running Time: 8:19
JOEY: (talking to Serenity on the phone) Hey Serenity, guess what? The doctors told me your blindness subplot was only temporary after all, because the writers want you to become a regular character! That means you're gonna be able to see again!
Screen splits to hospital
SERENITY: That's awesome, Joey!
JOEY: Hang in there, sis. I'll have somebody stop by later to pick you up.
SERENITY: Please tell me it isn't going to be--
TRISTAN: Hello, lover.
(Marik is shown carrying an injured Bakura.)
TÉA: Oh my god, it's every fangirl's dream come true!
MARIK: Somebody call an ambulance! This limey needs urgent medical assistance. Apparently, he has wanker's cramp.
JOEY: Oh no! Bakura, speak to me!
BAKURA: Wanker's cramp, the most deadly of British diseases!
GRANDPA: Don't worry, I'll take him to the hospital.
JOEY: Good idea. While you're at it you might wanna get that harpoon injury taken care of.
GRANDPA: What harpoon injury?
(Blood squirts on Joey's chin.)
JOEY: Hey, innocent bystander, thanks for helping out our friend.
TÉA: May I just interject so that I can say hummina-hummina-huminna!
MARIK: Silence, fools! I... I mean, you're welcome. (thinking) Excellent, my vague evil plan is going perfectly!
JOEY: You seem like a swell dude. What's your name, pal?
MARIK (thinking): Crap in a bucket! I didn't plan for this! Think of a fake name, think of a fake name! (aloud) Um, my name is uh, um, Mmmmmmmmalik.
JOEY: Malik, huh? That sounds kinda like Marik, the guy we're trying to defeat in this season.
MARIK: Yeah, I get that a lot.
MARIK: I also get that a lot. Those fools have no idea that it's really I, the evil Marik Ishtar, who plans to turn them against their best friend Yugi Muto so that I can rule the world!
JOEY: Malik, we can kinda hear everything you're saying.
MARIK: Oh, [EFF!] it. Minions, beat their collective asses!
TÉA: Oh no! We're being attacked by Steves!
(black screen, punching noises in the background)
CAPTION: [obvious edit!]
JOEY: Man, I love a good 4Kids fight sequence. You can be as violent as you want, so long as nobody sees what you're doing.
(black screen, more punching noises)
CAPTION: [obvious edit!]
TÉA (She has been caught by one of the Steves): Somehow I have been captured!
(another black screen, Wilhelm Scream is heard in the background)
CAPTION : [obvious edit is obvious!]
JOEY (he hits the ground): It is implied that I am being punched!
TÉA: Doesn't this sort of thing usually happen to Mokuba?
(Cut to Mokuba working on his laptop)
MOKUBA: I can't believe that I've almost gone an entire season without being kidnapped. Wait till Seto hears about this!
STEVES (on top of the building just behind Mokuba): Surprise!
MOKUBA: Oh, me and my big adorable mouth!
(Cut to Yami and Kaiba walking through the city, not noticing Steves Lumis and Umbra watching from above)
LUMIS: Look at them, Steve. They have no idea that we are flipping them off underneath our cloaks.
UMBRA: Yeah, man! I'm doing it with both hands and they have no clue!
LUMIS: In fact, they do not even know we exist.
UMBRA: That's 'cause we're awesome!
LUMIS: Yes. Now behold as I swoop down upon them like a ninja, and then proceed to rob them of all hope, again like a ninja.
UMBRA: Do it, man!
KAIBA: I still don't know why we couldn't take the Kaibacopter. You know how much I hate traveling by foot.
YAMI: Quit your eternal bitching, fancy-pants.
LUMIS: Greetings, Earthlings.
LUMIS: Bow down and worship your digital ruler, Seto Kaiba. For we have kidnapped your next-of-kin. The Mokuba Kaiba.
KAIBA: That figures...
MOKUBA: Whoa! I think I'm going to throw up!
LUMIS: We also have your friends Joey and Téa. If you refuse to duel us on top of that huge-ass building, their lives shall be forfeit. Do not keep us waiting, for we get bored very easily.
(He jumps up a building with Mario jumping sounds)
KAIBA: Couldn't he have just used the stairs like a normal person? I mean, is it really that hard?
Inside a building
STEVE: Enjoy your new home, girly.
TÉA: You Steves aren't going to get away with this! My boyfriend plays card games and he'll kick all your butts! Damn it! Every time I meet a guy he's either gay or a villain in disguise.
LUMIS: Prepare to face the wrath of your doom.
UMBRA: Yeah! You guys are going down!
LUMIS: Correct, Steve. Because in this duel the loser will face a one-way trip to the Shadow Realm, right through the ceiling.
LUMIS: As foretold by Lionel Richie.
UMBRA: Damn straight it was!
YAMI: Who the hell are you guys supposed to be, anyway?
UMBRA: Better recognize!
KAIBA: You want my God Card? You'll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers! Stand back, Yugi! I'm going to beat these freaks with one hand tied behind my back.
YAMI: No, Kaiba! You need me!
KAIBA: I highly doubt that.
YAMI: Don't you get it, Kaiba? This is the episode where we put aside our differences and work together to combine our strengths.
KAIBA: This is sounding dangerously close to a slash fic.
KAIBA: Fine. Just so long as I don't have to draw a smiley face on my hand or any of that bullsh**.
MOKUBA: Let me go, you creeps! Ow! My adorable nose is shattered!
TÉA: Now to make my escape disguised as a simple cardboard box!
STEVE 1: Hey Steve, why's that girl wearing a cardboard box on her head?
STEVE 2: Beats me, Steve. You wanna go play racquetball later?
TÉA: Geez! How does Solid Snake always make it look so easy?!
JOEY: Hey! What's the big idea? Let me go, you big palooka!
ODION: Certainly. But first, we'd like to sign your name on this contract. Then, you are free to do as you will. (Holds up a "slavery contract")
JOEY: Fine, I'll sign your thing. But then you gotta let me go, okay?
MARIK: (thinking) Now that Joey Wheeler has signed that binding contract, he has unwittingly agreed to have his name legally changed to Steve. His mind is now mine to manipulate. Ahahaha!
(Joey's eyes grow dark)
JOEY: Nyeh? (monotone) I will obey... Master Malik...
MARIK: It's Marik, you fool!
JOEY (monotone): Whateva...
LUMIS: You have no chance against our supreme decks, for all of our monsters have been modified with power-boosting mask cards.
LUMIS: On the moon, we have evolved beyond your primitive Earth card games. A typical Moon card game can last up to five millennia.
YAMI: Actually, that's not much longer then our card games.
LUMIS: Shut up. Also, our card games take place in a zero gravity environment without any oxygen. The losers all die of asphyxilation.
UMBRA: Asphyxiation, man!
LUMIS: That's what I said, Steve. Asphyxiation. The winners also die.
KAIBA: You guys are...
YAMI (thinking while Kaiba talks): Look at the size of that nose! It's like the animators didn't even care.
TÉA: Mokuba, you have to get out and warn the others about the army of Steves and their evil plot. Also, try and see if you can get Malik's phone number for me.
MOKUBA: Fat chance, cootie breath.
(Metal Gear Solid 3 Theme, Snake Eater plays in background. The Steves meet up.)
STEVE 1: How the hell did that kid get past our defenses?
STEVE 2: He was wearing a bright yellow vest. You'd think we'd be able to spot him.
STEVE 3: Aww! We must be the worst Steves ever!
(The Steves split up, not noticing where Mokuba is hiding; he runs off.)
KAIBA: After four grueling episodes, I have at last summoned Obelisk the Tormentor!
YAMI: And it's all thanks to teamwork, right, Kaiba?
KAIBA: Save it, Yugi! We both know I'm never going to believe in that heart of the cards crap! At least not until the final episode anyway.
YAMI: Heart of the what now?
LUMIS: Your Obelisk the Tormentor is no match for our secret weapon: the quad-laser.
UMBRA: Suck on that, nerds!
LUMIS: Firing in three, two, one... Quad-laser, go!
(The "quad-laser" is a giant, slow-moving pixel)
LUMIS: Beholdeth and be transfixed by its trajectory.
YAMI: Exactly how long is this going to take?
LUMIS: Just give it a minute. Soon it will connect with its target.
UMBRA: Yeah! It'll go right up your butts!
LUMIS: I said what-what.
UMBRA: In the butt!
LUMIS: I said what-what.
KAIBA: I've had it up to here with your nonsense! Obelisk, attack their Life Points directly!
LUMIS: Impossible! Nothing can defeat the quad-laser, and any attempts you make to do so will only serve to amuse us--
(Obelisk's attack connects.)
LUMIS AND UMBRA: Ah!
KAIBA: Now we both have six locator cards, which puts us in the finals. It's only a matter of time before we face off again in the duel arena, Yugi.
YAMI: Yeah, then I'll get to kick your sorry butt for about the fiftieth time. Sounds like fun.
KAIBA: God, you are so... idiot.
MOKUBA (climbing out of the helicopter): Seto!
KAIBA: Mokuba! I thought you were kidnapped!
MOKUBA: I managed to rescue myself, and I flew all the way over here so we can go and save Yugi's friends.
KAIBA: Mokuba! That's incredible! I'm genuinely impressed! For the first time in your life you've made me proud to call you my brother.
MOKUBA: Kay, thanks.
YAMI: Let's go and save my friends.
(in the helicopter)
KAIBA: Oh, goddamn it! I wanted the window seat.
[avoid wanker's cramp -
know your limits!]
LUMIS: (flipping off in public) I hope he can see this because I am doing it as hard as I can.