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← "When Yami Met Sally" #15: "Duel of Fates" "Fanservice" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Téa, Joey, Mai, Tristan, Yugi, Hair Guy, Bandit Keith, Kaiba, Pegasus, Mokub

Date: December 22, 2006

Running Time: 6:27

Transcript Edit

CAPTION:
A long time ago, on an island far,
far away....

The Star Wars theme plays, and the logo appears but it instead reads CARD GAMES

OPENING CRAWL:
Episode XV

DUEL OF FATES

(suddenly the music speeds up and the words fly up the screen a lot faster)

It is a period of civil war. Yugi
Moto, having lost a children's
card game, has gone all emo.

Meanwhile, Seto Kaiba has
infiltrated Pegasus' castle
(again) in a desperate attempt
to rescue his far more
appealing younger brother.

Unbeknownst to either of
them, George Lucas is
planning a Super Special
Awesome Edition of Yu-Gi-Oh
where they'll both be replaced
by dancing CGI monkeys.

In America.

End opening crawl

(Yugi is down on his knees, with the others behind him.)

TÉA: Yugi hasn't said a word since he lost to Kaiba.

JOEY: (comes to Yugi's side) Yug! Answer me! How many fingers am I holdin' up? (holds out his fist. Yugi remains silent) That's right, zero! Man, you're good at this game! Let's play something else!

BAKURA: Check his pulse, Joey!

JOEY: Listen, Yug, I lost a card game to Kaiba too, but I didn't get all mopey about it. Even when I started having these really erotic dreams about it! I mean, I was in a dog suit, and everything! (pulls up Yugi by the collar) Wait a minute, have you been having dream sex with Kaiba behind my back? Answer me, you two-timing bastard!

MAI: Oh, please, who hasn't had dream sex with Kaiba?

TÉA: Look, everyone, it's Skankity Slut-Slut!

MAI: Actually, my name's Mai Valentine.

TÉA: That's what I said, Skankity Slut-Slut.

MAI: I heard Yugi had lost his will to live. That is such a turn-on for me. I just love broken men.

TÉA: I'm sick of you flirting with my future husband. It's time we settled this like real women!

TRISTAN: Woohoo! Catfight!

TÉA: No, not like that.

TRISTAN: Mud wrestling?

TÉA: No.

TRISTAN: (sounding desperate) Naked pillow fight?

TÉA: No!

BAKURA: Embroidery contest?

Everyone looks shocked

BAKURA: What?

TÉA: Mai Skankentine, I challenge you to a card game! And what's more, I'm gonna beat your bleached blonde butt right back to booby land!

JOEY: A woman winning a card game? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!

TRISTAN: Didn't she beat you in the second episode?

JOEY: Do you wanna go back in the box?

TRISTAN: Please don't send me back there.

TÉA: (already at her duel podium, thinking) Hmm, which of my painfully adorable monsters should I use first? (her cards have pictures of a Puchu (from Excel Saga), Mumble (from Happy Feet), Bubbles (from The Powerpuff Girls) and Jigglypuff (from Pokémon).)

JOEY: Whatever you do, Téa, don't look directly at her cleavage! It's like a black hole! You'll get sucked in!

MAI: Face it, kid, you don't stand a chance against me! You're just a cheerleader who stumbled her way into the big leagues. If I were you, I'd quit right now.

TÉA: I won't give up! I'm going to beat you, Mai, and when I do, it'll prove that women are equal to men!

Canned laughter

TÉA: I'm serious!

Pause

TRISTAN: (background) Take off your clothes!

TÉA: I summon Shining Friendship! It symbolizes the bond I share with my friends! That's why it's so small and fragile. It has Joey's courage, Tristan's spirit, and Yugi's heart.

BAKURA: Aren't you forgetting someone?

TÉA: Who's that?

BAKURA: You know, long white hair, dashing good looks, slightest hint of an accent?

TÉA: Pegasus?

BAKURA: Me, you trollop!

TÉA: Hey, stop groping my Yugi-muffin!

BAKURA: Bugger off, you had your chance!

MAI: Go, Harpie Lady! Destroy Shining Friendship!

TÉA: Nothing can destroy friendship! It's the most powerful force in the universe! It's even stronger than Chuck Norris!

JOEY: Blasphemy!

TRISTAN: These are the worst strippers I've ever seen!

MAI: I surrender. My breasts can't withstand another friendship speech. (She gets off her duel podium while Téa celebrates)

TÉA: Victory is mine!

YUGI: This duel has given me newfound inspiration! After all, if someone as worthless as Téa can win a card game, this tournament should be a piece of cake!

At the entrance to the castle

MAI: Pegasus' Castle. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. (she opens the door)

Mai, Yugi and Joey enter the door but before the others can, Hair Guy stops them

HAIR GUY: Attention, Duelists! You guys are not duelists! I need to see your identification.

TÉA: Me love you long time?

MAI: You don't need to see their identification.

HAIR GUY: I don't need to see their identification.

MAI: These aren't the breasts you're looking for.

HAIR GUY: These aren't the breasts I'm looking for..

MAI: Move along.

HAIR GUY: My hair is in love!

Romeo and Juliet starts as Mai and Hair Guy lovingly stare at each other, then suddenly...

MAI: (hits Hair Guy with her bag) REJECTED!

HAIR GUY: Wait, come back, my hair wants to marry you--! (runs after her but the she shuts the door and he runs right into it) Ow, my hair!

YUGI: Come on, gang, lets go rescue that old man who lives in my basement and eats all my food!

(They find Bandit Keith, who turns and notices them.)

JOEY: Bandit Keith, you no good son of a bitch! This is for trapping me inside of a cave! With Bakura! (attempts to punch him but he easily dodges and blocks his punches, grabbing one of his fists)

KEITH: You punch like somebody who isn't American.

JOEY: How come you're so strong and agile?

KEITH: I modeled myself after the greatest American hero of all time: Hulk Hogan!

(The others turn and look down at the duel ring inside the castle)

YUGI: Look! Kaiba's dueling Pegasus!

JOEY: But they're both villains! Who're we supposed to root for?

YUGI: Well, Pegasus did kidnap Grandpa, but Kaiba cheated in a card game, and that's unforgivable.

KAIBA: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

PEGASUS: Only a master of card games, Kaiba boy.

TRISTAN: What's with all the Star Trek quotes?

PEGASUS: I activate the magical Toon World!

KAIBA: A grown man who watches cartoons? That's almost as insane as a grown man playing a children's card game!

PEGASUS: Toon World allows me to change your monsters into cheap imitations! It's rather like what 4Kids did to this show. Come forth, Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon!

BAKURA: That's no toon, that's a space station! ...No wait, you're right, it's a toon.

KAIBA (thinking): Help me, Mokuba, you're my only hope.

MOKUBA (as a voice in Kaiba's head): Use the Force, big brother!

YUGI: Hey Kaiba, try threatening to kill yourself, that usually works! Only this time, really do it!

KAIBA: (draws a card and summons it without looking) I'm placing all my faith in this one card, and my faith rewards me with the Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Now it's time for the ultimate cartoon showdown! Japanese animation versus American animation--

KEITH: Hey, you can't use that word! It belongs to America! Only Americans are allowed to--

KAIBA: Shut the [bleep] up.

KEITH: (under his breath) ...In America.

PEGASUS: You forgot one important detail, Kaiba-boy! Japanese cartoons tend to be a lot slower than their American counterparts!

KAIBA: His dragon dodged my attack! I haven't been this disappointed since I saw Reign of Fire.

PEGASUS: Now, I'm going to remove your soul from your body, leaving you a shell of your former self. From now on you'll just stand around with a blank look on your face all the time. So you probably won't notice any difference. OOOH, I totally burned you!!

JOEY: Man, that duel was really boring! It was like waiting for LittleKuriboh to make a new video!

TRISTAN: Let's complain about it!

End. The Looney Tunes theme plays.

CAPTION: [i think i just jumped the shark...]

The Yami intro appears

YAMI: Next week on Yu-Gi-Oh!

HAIR GUY: Yugi NEVER told you what happened to your father!

TRISTAN: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

HAIR GUY: No.. my hair is your father!

TRISTAN: That's not true.. that's impossible!

HAIR GUY: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

TRISTAN: Nooooooooo!

Stinger: Téa's phone rings with the Crazy Frog ringtone. A Rare Hunter stares at the phone for a few seconds, before dropping it to the ground and smashing it with his foot.

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