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Duel of the Dead/Transcript

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← "... In America" #12: "Duel of the Dead" "Busted Rhymes" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Joey, Kaiba, Yugi, Téa, Tristan, Bakura, Zombie Boy, Bandit Keith

Date: October 12, 2006

Running Time: 5:40

Transcript Edit

[intro]

YAMI: No Duel Monsters were harmed in the making of this episode - except for Kuriboh.

Joey is dreaming, and being chased by the Blue-Eyes White Dragon

JOEY: Help! I'm being chased by the slowest dragon in the universe! Think of all the card games I'll never play!

He turns around to see a giant Kaiba behind him

JOEY: Oh no, it's Kaibazilla! I knew he'd come for me one day.

KAIBA: If you think this is huge, then you should see my ego. Now, sit at your master's feet like the dog that you are.

JOEY: But I don't wanna be a furry.

KAIBA: Shut up and bend over.

JOEY: Yes, master.

"Love to Love You Baby" plays with the subtitle [the imagery speaks for itself]

Joey wakes up, they're all in a forest

JOEY: Nyeh! Man, what a nightmare. That was almost as bad as that dream I had where Kaiba beat me in a card game.

YUGI: Actually, Joey, I think that really happened.

JOEY: It was a dream!

TÉA: Hey, Yugi, Mai Skankentine told me to give you this letter. (she gives Yugi a note covered in pink smudges)

YUGI: How the hell am I supposed to read this? It's just a bunch of pink smudges!

TRISTAN: Yugi's got a girlfriend!

YUGI: That does it. Tristan is so getting a mind crush.

Title sequence

JOEY: Check it out, I've been working on my dance moves! I call this one the "Joey".

YUGI: Joey, that's the worst dance I've ever seen.

Keith's goons are spying on them

JOEY: You're just jealous.

ZOMBIE BOY: Braaains! (subtitle: what a cool dance!)

ZYGOR: You said it, Zombie Boy!

SID: Oy, isn't that Yugi? The only person on this island who's hair is more ridiculous than ours?

ZOMBIE BOY: Braaains. (He looks like a bobblehead doll.)

SID: Let's go do more cliche henchman things.

ZYGOR: Okay.

they go to see Bandit Keith

KEITH: Excellent work, my fellow Americans! It sounds like those kids are about to fall right into my trap... in America!

SID: Oy, boss, you know we're not actually in America, right?

KEITH: I don't understand a word you just said. Try speaking American, it's the only language I understand.

in the forest

JOEY: I gotta go take a whiz.

YUGI: Too much information, Joey.

in a cave

KEITH: That graveyard arena should be around here somewhere. These sunglasses sure make it difficult to see in the dark, but I refuse to take them off because I'm an American, and Americans always wear sunglasses. Now it's time for my favorite Shakespeare quote. "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him.. In America!"

ZOMBIE BOY: Braains? (I dropped out of zombie school for this?)

At a waterfall, Joey is washing his hands

JOEY: Ain't nothing like gettin' out what ya gotta get out. (Zygor appears behind him) Hello, did you enjoy watching me pee?

fade out, then back in at the graveyard arena

ZYGOR: Rise and shine, dweeb.

JOEY: Hey, where the heck are we?

ZOMBIE BOY: Braaains!! (It's time to duel!)

JOEY: Oh no, it's a GOTH!

outside

YUGI: I wonder what's keeping Joey? If he's gone much longer, we'll have to give his screen time to Bakura.

BAKURA: Let's ditch the tosser!

TÉA: Score, a wallet! Finders keepers! (she opens it to reveal a picture of Serenity)

TRISTAN: Hey, that's Joey's fine-ass sister! I'd recognize that "come hither" look anywhere.

YUGI: Let's all wander blindly into that cave over there.

At the graveyard arena

JOEY: What do you people want from me?

KEITH: Your star chips, dweeb! I have a score to settle with Pegasus, so Zombie Boy here's gonna beat you in a card game.

JOEY: Why didn't ya just take my star chips when I was unconscious?

KEITH: Shut the hell up! It's time for Zombie Boy to sing the American national anthem.. IN AMERICA!!

ZOMBIE BOY: (singing) Brains Brains Brains Brains Braaaains... (Oh, say can you see...)

ZYGOR: He has the voice of a zombie angel.

in the cave

YUGI: We can't find Joey anywhere. This is so totally the opposite of Super Special Awesome - whatever that is.

BAKURA: Look, a couple of coffins! These'll come in handy when we kill Joey for making us look for him.

TÉA: (opens one of the coffins and a skeleton falls on her) Oh no, a supermodel!

YUGI: Stop trying to make out with Téa! That's my job!

TÉA: Yugi touched me. That means we're engaged.

Graveyard arena, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" plays as Zombie Boy's Zombies attack Joey

Back in the cave

YUGI: Hey what happened to Bakura?

TÉA: Maybe they finally wrote him out of the show!

BAKURA: Help! This supermodel's one of my fangirls!! (runs onscreen with a skeleton on his back)

TÉA, TRISTAN AND YUGI: Not a fangirl! (run)

BAKURA: Come back here and help me, you wankers!

TRISTAN: (crushes its skull) Egh! Who's smexy now, bitch?

YUGI: We should be okay, as long as you guys don't trigger any more obvious traps.

BAKURA: (triggers an obvious trap) Oh, smeg.

YUGI: Is everyone from England a total spaz, Bakura?

BAKURA: Pretty much.

A giant boulder rolls towards them and the Katamari Damacy theme plays. They all scream and run

BAKURA: Gangway! Women and shemales first! (trips) Oh, bollocks! (gets crushed by the boulder)

YUGI: It got Bakura!

TÉA: Good!

TRISTAN: I shall avenge his death! My voice gives me super strength! (stops, turns and punches the boulder, which promptly explodes) Holy [bleep], it really does!!

YUGI: Oh, it was just a balloon with a speaker inside. I guess I wet my pants for nothing.

BAKURA: (lying on the ground traumatized) Somebody... tell my fangirls... I love them...

TÉA: Looks like Bakura's scarred for life again.

Graveyard arena

JOEY: I sure wish Yugi were here. How am I supposed to prove my independance without his help?

Yugi and the others arrive

YUGI: Don't worry, Joey, we're here to rescue you! Wait a second, have you been playing a card game? We were worried sick about you!

JOEY: Hey, I'm trying to regain my self esteem here.

YUGI: You hang out with us. You don't have any self esteem.

JOEY: Oh yeah.

KEITH: Seems you're out of luck, dweeb. Zombie Boy's monsters are about to wipe out your life points.

JOEY: Lemme guess: In America, right?

KEITH: I wasn't going to say that! ..in America..

YUGI: Joey you can still win! Just remember your love for Serenity and you can do anything!

JOEY: You're right, Yug! That was my favorite Joss Whedon movie! This is for cancelling Firefly, ya Goth bastard!

ZOMBIE BOY: Braaains... (WTF?)

YUGI: Well Joey, it looks like you learned an important lesson. The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain.

JOEY: I also learned that I'm secretly a furry.

YUGI: Once again, too much information, Joey.

JOEY: Let's get out of here before we get eaten by a grue.

Outside the cave entrance

SID: They'll never be able to get past this cardboard cut-out of a boulder. (he, Zombie Boy and Zygor are pushing a boulder in front of the entrance)

KEITH: Another victory for America.

inside the entrance

JOEY: (he and the others are trying to push the boulder away) It's no use, it's made of solid cardboard!

TÉA: I can't believe I'm trapped in a cave with four guys.

BAKURA: Fancy a shag, Téa?

TÉA: Oops, I mean three guys.

End. The Gonk plays

CAPTION: [i'm bringing smexy back]

Stinger:

YUGI: (as Chris Griffin, to Yami) Get out of my head, get out of my head!!

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