|← "Yami of Darkness"||#24: "Egyptian Exhibition Expo 2007"||"Dirty Dueling" →|
Date: September 16, 2007
Running Time: 7:18
MUSEUM OFFICIAL: Welcome, Miss Ishtar. On behalf of the Domino Museum, I'd like to welcome you to America. Or Japan. I'm not quite sure where we are; it's pretty vague.
ISHIZU: I trust you have made all of the necessary arrangements for my exhibition.
MUSEUM OFFICIAL: Don't worry. I have developed an ingenious plan to transport your Egyptian artifacts!
ISHIZU: You're placing them inside several vehicles disguised as garbage trucks.
MUSEUM OFFICIAL: How did you know?
ISHIZU: My Millennium Necklace gives me the power to see the future, and also to break the fourth wall.
MUSEUM OFFICIAL: That's pretty neat! What else can you see?
ISHIZU: In about five seconds, you will be interrupted by the opening credits.
MUSEUM OFFICIAL: What the hell are you talking ab--
TELEVISION: We interrupt this program to bring you an urgent report! It seems that the Domino Museum is holding an extremely boring exhibition on ancient Egypt. Apparently, this qualifies as news. In other plot-related stories, Seto Kaiba is about to receive an important phone call.
KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba. I'm busy flagging YouTube videos to compensate for the fact that I have an extremely small penis.
MOKUBA: Oh. (pauses) ...I like Patrick.
KAIBA: (answers ringing telephone) What the hell do you want?
ISHIZU: (on phone) Hello, Kaiba, this is Ishizu Ishtar. Stop whatever you're doing and look at the TV right now.
TELEVISION: (featuring Ishizu) I personally invite Seto Kaiba to come to my museum.
KAIBA: What the hell was that?
ISHIZU: (on phone) You see, Kaiba, I called you on the phone specifically so that you would hear my invitation on the television.
KAIBA: Why didn't you just invite me over the phone?
ISHIZU: (on phone) Because I have magical powers.
KAIBA: You do realize you're paying for this call, right?
TELEPHONE: (dial tone)
YUGI: I feel so confused. I can't decide whether I'm the main character or not.
YAMI: Of course you're the main character. The show is called Yu-Gi-Oh!, remember? "Yu-Gi-Oh", "Yugi"... seems pretty obvious.
YUGI: Yeah, but YOU'RE the one who always wins all the card games. YOU'RE the one who always gets all the fangirls. I get nothing. Let's face it, I'm about as important to the plot as Bakura.
YAMI: Don't SAY that! Don't even THINK it!
ISHIZU: Welcome, Seto Kaiba, I'm glad you came.
SECURITY GUARD 1: I've locked all the exits.
SECURITY GUARD 2: And I helped.
KAIBA: Tell me what this is about, or I'll be forced to unleash the fury of my animé mullet.
ISHIZU: Come this way, Kaiba, and all will be revealed.
KAIBA: Let me get this straight. It's been twenty-four episodes, and we're only now explaining the plot. Does J. J. Abrams write this show or something?
ISHIZU: We've uncovered rare artifacts that depict the earliest game played in ancient Egypt. Behold, Kaiba, the origin of Duel Monsters! (flips on lights, revealing stone tablet)
KAIBA: Oh my god, a giant rock!
ISHIZU: That's right, Kaiba, a giant rock.
KAIBA: I can't believe what I'm seeing. A giant rock! It's a rock, and it's giant!
ISHIZU: Yes, and that's not all. Come over here, Kaiba, and prepare to witness something incredible.
KAIBA: Okay, but it's gonna be tough to beat that giant rock.
ISHIZU: What you're about to see will change your life forever.
KAIBA: Oh my god, another giant rock!
ISHIZU: This giant rock depicts the duel between the pharaoh and his high priest.
KAIBA: (looking at pharaoh) What the hell? He looks just like Yugi. But what does this mean?
ISHIZU: It means your arch-rival Yugi Moto is a reincarnation of the pharaoh, and that history is about to repeat itself.
KAIBA: Are you trying to tell me that Yugi and I are destined to play card games with each other for eternity?
KAIBA: Best. Destiny. Ever.
ISHIZU: Now I shall use the power of my Millennium Necklace to show you the duel between the pharaoh and your ancestor.
Flashback, ancient Egypt 5000 years ago
KAIBA: (voiceover) Aaaaaaaaahhhh! What's going on? Where am I?
PRIESTS: (chanting) ...igna chowa neha! Hoona igna chowa neha!
PRIEST SETO: Pharaoh, your reign of tyranny ends now! We demand that you wear a shirt that covers your manly chest. You're making us all look out of shape!
PRIEST MAHAD: Our pharaoh can wear whatever he wants. He worked hard to get that physique!
PRIEST SETO: Why don't you marry the pharaoh if you love him so much?
PRIEST MAHAD: Maybe I will!
PRIEST SETO: Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Destroy all his monsters!
KAIBA: That guy looks just like me! And he has a Blue-Eyes, just like me! And he's an asshole, just like me! I must be looking into the distant past. It's just like Eternal Darkness.
PRIEST SETO: Hahaha! Victory is mine!
ISHIZU: Unfortunately, we will never know who won that fateful duel, because their name is hidden by ancient Egyptian spoiler tags. Now do you believe me, Kaiba?
KAIBA: Since I'm the most skeptical person on the planet, I'm going to say no. I'll be leaving now.
ISHIZU: Wait, Kaiba. Don't you want to know about the powerful cards I promised you?
KAIBA: You never said anything about powerful cards!
ISHIZU: Well I meant to. ("Prologue" from Army of Darkness soundtrack plays in background) Behold, Kaiba, the three Egyptian god cards. Obelisk the Tormentor! Slifer the Executive Producer! And Mega-Ultra Chicken!
KAIBA: (music stops) Mega-Ultra Chicken? That's just dumb.
ISHIZU: It is you who is dumb. (music starts again) Pegasus created them to be the most powerful cards in Duel Monsters.
KAIBA: (music stops) If these cards are so great, why didn't Pegasus use them in season one?
ISHIZU: Because the writers hadn't thought of them yet. (music starts up again) In order to keep them safe, Pegasus entrusted them to me. But then I immediately lost two of them.
KAIBA: (music stops) Way to go.
ISHIZU: They were stolen from me by the Rare Hunters.
KAIBA: Rare Hunters? Who are they?
ISHIZU: An elite group of card game enthusiasts who spend their time stealing rare and powerful cards. Kind of like what you did in the first episode. Only these guys steal them from people who can actually fight back.
KAIBA: Yeah, whatever.
ISHIZU: (camera starts spinning around Kaiba and Ishizu) Kaiba, if you were to hold a tournament, your reputation would attract the greatest duelists in the world. It would be the biggest concentration of nerds ever assembled outside a Star Trek convention.
KAIBA: I see. So it's a trap. You want to lure the Rare Hunters to Domino City so you can get back the Egyptian god cards that you lost like an idiot. Look, can we stop talking like this? I'm getting very dizzy!
ISHIZU: (camera stops spinning) Fine.
KAIBA: Why should I help you?
ISHIZU: Because if you do, I'll give you this. (hands Kaiba Obelisk)
KAIBA: Can it be? (dramatic music starts again) Obelisk the Tormentor?
ISHIZU: You may borrow this card during the tournament, but I shall expect it back.
KAIBA: (music stops) You do realize I'm just gonna keep this, right? I mean, there's no way I'd ever return a card this valuable.
ISHIZU: (pauses) ...sh*t. I hadn't thought of that.
KAIBA: Your psychic powers are surprisingly lame.
ISHIZU: I see everything. (music starts again) I can even see into your future. In ten years you will open a duelist academy that teaches children how to play card games, and you will look exactly the same as you do now!
KAIBA: (Music stops) Well now I KNOW you're full of crap.
YUGI: It's just not fair. I've been in love with Téa for years, but she never even noticed me until you came along. It's you she loves, not me.
YAMI: What about that Mai Valentine chick? She likes you.
YUGI: Eh, she's not my type.
YAMI: Not your type? Are you blind? Her boobs are bigger than you!
YUGI: You have everything, and I have nothing!
YAMI: That's not true, Yugi. You'll always have card games.
KAIBA: With this children's trading card, I will totally rule the world. (laughs evilly) Wait, who's driving the car?
MOKUBA: Hi, bro!
MOKUBA: I'm your new chauffeur! Wee! Vroom! Yeah!
(car drives off screen. skids and crashes)
(End. Dramatic music plays again.)
CAPTION: [ishizu makes criswell look accurate]
MARIK: (standing over Odion) Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
ISHIZU: (on TV) I predict that all the jokes you just heard will soon be appearing in somebody else's abridged series. You know the one.