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← "The Worst Of Both Worlds" #33: "Harpoonshipping" "Dork Side Of The Moon" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Tristan, Joey, Bakura, Grandpa, Téa, Mako Tsunami, Kid, Marik, Yami Bakura, Ocean

Date: 19 February 2009

Running Time: 08:38

Transcript Edit

Intro

YAMI: I can't believe they canceled Viva Piñata. It had talking CGI piñatas; what more do you want?!

Battle City street

TRISTAN: Hey, look! It's some random stranger we've never met before!

JOEY: Excuse me, pal, but have you seen any minor characters from Season One around here?

BAKURA: Actually, guys, it's me, Bakura. I was a minor character in Season One, remember?

JOEY: Sorry, pal, doesn't ring a bell. Wait, were you one of the Paradox Brothers?

TRISTAN: Maybe he's Yugi's grandpa.

GRANDPA: (offscreen) I'm standing right over here!

TRISTAN: It's still possible.

Mako appears on a hand drawn poster hugging a whale

CAPTION: Poster designed by a four year old girl

TÉA: (offscreen) Look, guys! Mako Tsunami is performing at the local aquarium.

JOEY: Mako Tsunami! I'd recognize him anywhere. He's the minorest of minor characters. (singsong) I smell a card game!

BAKURA: Oh, come on! You remember that wanker, but you don't know who I am. We go to the same bloody school!

JOEY: Tristan, is that guy talking to us?

TRISTAN: It's difficult to say!

BAKURA: Oh, sod off!

Title Sequence

Public aquarium

(Mako has one killer whale jump through a hoop, and another play with a basketball)

MAKO: Ha, ha, ha! I, Mako Tsunami, love the ocean and all the creatures that dwell within it! That is why I forced this captured whale to perform degrading tricks for the amusement of the Japanese public.

(Joey, Tristan and Téa arrive at the aquarium)

JOEY: Yo, Freaky Fish Guy! Whaddya doin' workin' in an aquarium? I figured you'd be trying to win the Battle City tournament like everybody else.

MAKO: A lot has changed since Season One, Joey Wheeler! I am not the duelist I used to be! You see, the ocean and I... we are separated.

JOEY: Wha-?

MAKO: You heard me. We are divorced. Now I'm dating this aquarium, which is a pretty sweet gig actually.

(Camera shot of several brainwashed Steves.)

CAPTION: Steves love ocean life shows!

MAKO: She's a lot younger than the ocean, which has it's benefits. And she appreciates me, unlike my ex-wife, who would always give me the silent treatment. Isn't that right, aquarium?

(Aquarium remains silent)

MAKO: The aquarium says 'yes'.

JOEY: Look, I don't care about any of that stuff! I just wanna play a card game with you!

MAKO: Well, you should care, Joey Wheeler, because it's your fault the ocean left me in the first place!

JOEY: What the heck are you talkin' about!?

MAKO: Ever since you called me a 'freaky fish guy', I haven't been able to escape it! All over the world people see me and shout, "Hey, it's that freaky fish guy! Wanna throw a harpoon at us, Freaky Fish Guy?" (Joey has a stunned look on his face.) And all because I once threw a harpoon at somebody. Does that mean that I deserve being labelled a "Freaky Fish Guy"!? ...It's not like I make a habit out of it.

KID IN AUDIENCE: Hey Dad, I wanna see the freaky fish guy make the whale jump over a rock like in Free Willy! ... (gets harpooned) Gahh!

JOEY: Mako!

MAKO: What? That could have been anybody's harpoon.

(Meanwhile at the streets)

MARIK: (singing to the radio while riding his bike) Get your motor running... Head up on the highway... Looking for adventure...

(Yami Bakura steps in)

MARIK: And what ever comes our wa-- Yaaaargh! What the crap! You almost got us both killed, jackass!

YAMI BAKURA: So, you are the source of the gay signal I've been tracking! Though I probably could have deduced that without the use of my Gaydar. It seems we both ha--

MARIK: What? Whoa, whoa, hold on now! You think that I'm... Look, I'll have you know that I like women!

YAMI BAKURA: No doubt. That's probably why you've dressed yourself like one. Face it, you're about as manly as a Square Enix character! Shall I call you Captain Basch from Dalmasca?

MARIK: Silence, fool! I would run you down with my obligatory anime motorcycle, but I just noticed you have a Millennium Item. What is the deal with that?

YAMI BAKURA: Oh, my Millennium Ring. Yes, that's mine. I use it to manipulate the fabric of time and space bending it to my will in order to create shambling monstrosities that feed on the souls of the living. And sometimes I just use it to find gay people.

MARIK: Why would you wanna do that?

YAMI BAKURA: Secretly, I'm very lonely.

(Back to the public aquarium)

MAKO: You are going to pay for ruining my marriage, Joey Wheeler! And when I defeat you in this children's card game, you'll have no choice, but to admit that I am not a freaky fish guy!

JOEY: If I do, will you promise to stop throwing harpoons at people?

MAKO: I only did it twice, it's not like I--

JOEY: Then what about Grandpa?

(Grandpa is shown harpooned into his chest)

MAKO: Ok. Maybe I went a little overboard.

JOEY: A little!?

MAKO: Well, what else am I supposed to do with a harpoon?

JOEY: That's your answer to everything, isn't it? Just throw a harpoon at the problem.

MAKO: You sound just like my ex-wife, even though she never actually said anything.

JOEY: And that's why you guys ended up getting divorced, because you didn't communicate. You can't build a healthy relationship on--

MAKO: Listen! I would sooner kill myself than take relationship advice from a furry. So please, shut your damn mouth before I harpoon it shut!

(Back to the alleys where Marik and Bakura met)

MARIK: My name is Marik.

YAMI BAKURA: I don't care.

MARIK: Well that was kinda insensitive. No wonder you're so lonely.

YAMI BAKURA: Oh, like you're Mister Popular.

MARIK: I don't need friends. I have brainwashed an army of Steves to do my bidding in order to defeat the Pharaoh and claim his power for my own. Also I might kill him.

YAMI BAKURA: You might kill him!? You mean you don't know?

MARIK: Look, I never said my plan was well thought out; just that it was incredibly evil.

YAMI BAKURA: Still seems like a rather important detail to just skim over like that.

MARIK: Well excuuuse me, Princess! Your plan isn't much better, you know. What, you're going to wait 200 episodes just so you can give an eyeball to a guy and hope he flies to Egypt with it?

YAMI BAKURA: It's all in the execution.

MARIK: Well, if it were me, than I would use mind control, like some sort of malevolent puppet-master or a Jedi.

YAMI BAKURA: Or maybe we could slice Yugi open with a machete, see if that works.

MARIK: I have a better idea. We should totally hang out. With my evilness and your Britishness we would be unstoppable! Why are you British anyway?

YAMI BAKURA: I'm not British, I'm just gay.

(Public aquarium)

MAKO: I remember the first time I met the ocean, it was love at first sight. (flashback begins) My father and I were fishing together when a huge tidal wave came and nearly destroyed our boat. It took my father and I never saw him again. (flashback ends) That is why I dedicated my life to loving the sea an all of its inhabitants.

JOEY: So lemme get this straight: the ocean killed your dad and then you married it.

MAKO: That is correct.

TÉA: And he wonders why we call him a freaky fish guy?

MAKO: Grrr! For the last time, I am not a freaky fish guy! And I shall harpoon everybody in this aquarium to prove my point!

JOEY: Mako, stop!

MAKO: What!?

JOEY: I never understood it before, Mako, but now I get it. I always thought that you were just some sort of clichè'd minor character who took his ocean obsession too far. But you're more than that!

MAKO: You're just trying to confuse me!

JOEY: No, Mako. This is straight from the heart: You are not a freaky fish guy, Mako. You are the Freaky Fish Guy. And that's why people love you, because you gave us something special. Something most Yu-Gi-Oh! characters don't even have. You gave us a catchphrase!

MAKO: (sobbing) Suddenly, I miss the ocean.

JOEY: And she misses you, Mako. It's not too late, you know. You can still be with her.

GRANDPA: Hey! Hurry up and finish the card game! Some of us are bleeding to death!

MAKO: I concede this victory to you, Joey Wheeler! You've made me realize that being a minor character isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes those are the most cherished characters of all, like Boba Fett from Star Wars.

JOEY: Dude, don't even compare yourself to Boba Fett! You got a long way to go before you reach his level.

MAKO: Reach his level? He was killed by a blind man.

JOEY: Ohhh! Sounds like somebody is unfamiliar with the expanded universe.

MAKO: Indeed. Here, take my Legendary Fisherman and my two locator cards. Where I'm going, I won't need them.

TRISIAN: Wait, did they even play a card game?

(Back to the alleys)

MARIK: So we are agreed. The Pharaoh is our common enemy and the enemy of my friend is also my enemy.

YAMI BAKURA: That's not how it goes.

MARIK: Oh, whatever. The point is we are going to join forces. We shall unite in our evil quest to vanquish Yugi Muto and destroy everything he holds dear. And also, we should share beauty tips. I love what you do with your hair.

YAMI BAKURA: L'Oréal, (L'Oréal logo appears above his head) because I'm worth it. ...I think we did that joke already.

MARIK: (with demonically biased voice) Soon the mind-raping shall commence.

YAMI BAKURA: What the devil was that?

MARIK: (regular voice) Foreshadowing. It happens.

YAMI BAKURA: I believe this is called "thiefshipping".

MARIK: You believe what is called what?

(Ending; "Born to be Wild" playing in background)

CAPTION: [don't believe ondore's lies!]

(Stinger with audio from the infamous HeadOn commercial while Shadi approaches Yugi and slowly drives his Millennium Key into Yugi's forehead)

VOICE: HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn. Apply directly to the forehead.

Post-ending

MAKO: (to the ocean) I've been such a fool. You were always there for me, even when you were being so distant. I've looked in other large bodies of water, but none of them even compare to your beauty. Ocean, I love you, and I want to start all over again. If you're willing to have me, that is. Just say the word, and I'm yours. Forever.

OCEAN: (speech bubble pops up, and whispers) I forgive you...

(Mako is shown swimming in the ocean, as they are reunited once again, with "Everytime" by Britney Spears playing in the background)

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