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← "Crowd Atlas" #60: "How Kaiba Got His Groove Back" "Muerte Pinata" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Ishizu Ishtar, Melvin, Millennium Item Tech Support operator, Jerry (voiced by xJerry64x), Joey Wheeler, Yami Yugi, Tristan Taylor, Téa Gardner, Mokuba Kaiba, Marik Ishtar, Duke Devlin, Takahata101

Running time: 11:14

TranscriptEdit

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! contains trace amounts of maltodextrin. Please consult a doctor before consuming Yu-Gi-Oh!

(at the blimp in front of the Duel Tower)

ISHIZU: It won't be long now until the Pharaoh and my brother's dark side do battle. I only hope that Melvin hasn't found a way to regain control over his Millennium Rod.

(cut to Melvin calling tech support. "WILD DRIVE" plays in the background)

OPERATOR: (from the phone) Thank you for calling the Millennium Item Tech Support Hotline. All of our agents are currently busy playing card games, so please remain on hold and we'll get to you soon enough. We assure you, your call is very important to us.

MELVIN: No! Curse you automated tech support hotline! You have put me on hold for the last time! (beat) You see, it's exactly this kind of bull[bleep] that makes me want to murder everybody.

(title sequence)

JOEY: Since I seem to have fully recovered from my life-threatening coma, I'm gonna challenge Kaiba (Brooklyn accent makes it sound like "Koiba") to a card game.

TRISTAN: Wasn't playing a card game what put you in a coma in the first place?

JOEY: Yeah, but like my dad said right before he died of alcohol poisoning: "What doesn't kill ya only makes ya stronger." Hey, Kaiba ("Koiba").

KAIBA: My name is not "Koiba".

JOEY: Since we both lost in the semi-finals, we should Duel to see which of us deserves to win the bronze medal.

YAMI: (laughs) Win the bronze medal? Ohoho, that's cute. I like it. (cut to an angry Joey, then back to Yami) Hilarious. You're a funny guy, Joey.

TÉA: Joey's right. There are no real losers in Duel Monsters.

YAMI: Ha!

KAIBA: Ha!

TRISTAN: Ha!

TÉA: Tristan, why are you laughing?

TRISTAN: Your hair looks like a box.

JOEY: Look, all I wanna to know is whether I got what it takes to beat you after all this time.

KAIBA: Pfft, I'd be surprised if you have what it takes to beat Mokuba.

MOKUBA: I would kick your ass, white boy!

KAIBA: Play nice, Mokuba.

(Mokuba growls angrily)

JOEY: Quit disrespecting me, Kaiba! ("Koiba")

KAIBA: My name is not "Koiba".

JOEY: Duel me! Or are you just a chicken?

KAIBA: You tell me. You're the furry.

MOKUBA: My brother's gonna murder you, white boy!

KAIBA: Down, Mokuba! Very bad!

(Mokuba whimpers)

YAMI: Win the bronze medal. Classic Joey.

(cut back to Melvin, still on the tech support line. "WILD DRIVE" plays as he waits)

MELVIN: Come on, pick up the friggin' phone before I stab someone out of boredom, as opposed to the many other reasons for which I tend to stab people.

JERRY: (from phone) This is Jerry from Millennium Tech support. What seems to be the problem?

MELVIN: It's this rod. Ever since Yugi and Kaiba Dueled, it hasn't been obeying me.

JERRY: Okay, first off, have you tried turning it off and on again?

MELVIN: Have I what?

JERRY: (speaking slowly) Have you tried turning it off and on again?

MELVIN: Since when did this thing have a friggin' on/off switch? It's a magical artifact!

JERRY: Have you changed the batteries recently?

MELVIN: Are you listening to me? This is a piece of ancient Egyptian history! It's a mystical relic handed down through the ages—!

JERRY: Sir, sir, sir!

MELVIN: What?!

JERRY: Sir?

MELVIN: What?!

JERRY: Calm down, okay?

MELVIN: Okay.

JERRY: Calm down.

MELVIN: Okay, I'm calm.

JERRY: We're calm.

MELVIN: We're calm.

JERRY: We're calm.

MELVIN: We're calm.

JERRY: Okay, did you try turning on its Wi-Fi capability function?

MELVIN: (shouting angrily) Why the frig would it have a—!

(cut to Joey's and Kaiba's Duel)

JOEY: It's time to Duel, Kaiba! ("Koiba")

KAIBA: My name is not "Koiba".

YAMI: Poooooor Joey. Koiba is going to slaughter him. I'd be surprised if he even broke a sweat.

TÉA: How would playing a card game make you sweat?

YAMI: Clearly you have never played the Dark Magician Girl.

JOEY: Don't go easy on me, Kaiba. Just 'cause I was in a coma and probably suffered extensive brain damage, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna give it my all.

KAIBA: Trust me, Wheeler. Even if you did have brain damage, I'm sure none of us would treat you any differently.

JOEY: Good. Wait, what?

MARIK: (in Téa's mind) While these foolish fools are being distracted by this dong measuring contest, I, the evil Marik Ishtar, shall take control of their friend, Tea (pronounced like "tee") Gardner, and force her to do my bidding. But first, I must come up with a plausible excuse for leaving the area. (now speaking through Téa) Oh, no! I, Tea Gardner, am having my period! I had better go insert several tampons inside my vagina, or else I might get pregnant!

YAMI: You do that, Tea. (also pronouncing "tee") Nobody wants you to get pregnant.

MARIK: Least of all, me, Tea Gardner. (laughs evilly and leaves the Duel)

YAMI: Her voice gets less convincing by the day.

MARIK: Ishizu!

ISHIZU: Téa! What are you doing here? And why does your face seem even more vacant than usual?

MARIK: Sister, it is I, Marik! I have taken control of Tea Gardner's body so that I can defeat my evil half!

ISHIZU: Putting yourself in the body of a helpless girl, so that you can defeat the ultimate evil... that's pretty stupid, even by your standards, Marik.

MARIK: Thank you.

ISHIZU: Wait, are you wearing a bra?

MARIK: No, I took that thing off. It was getting in the way of my girls.

ISHIZU: Marik! I command you to put a bra on this instant!

MARIK: I refuse! My melons were meant to be free!

ISHIZU: Marik, cease this foolishness!

MARIK: (singing)
I can jiggle if I want to,
I can leave my bra behind.
'Cause my boobs don't bounce
and if they don't bounce,
well they're no boobs are mine
. (runs off towards the Duel Tower)

ISHIZU: Marik, come back!

MARIK: I don't know why I told you any of this, bye!

DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) Joey and Kaiba's mutual hatred of each other is making this Duel hard to watch.

JOEY: I summon Gearfried in Attack mode, ya sonofabitch!

KAIBA: I activate Enemy Controller, you assclown!

JOEY: Rich boy!

KAIBA: Hecker-wuss!

JOEY: Money-bags!

KAIBA: Idiot with blond hair!

JOEY: I hate you!

KAIBA: I hate you a slightly larger amount!

TRISTAN: Just [bleep] already!

(cut back to Melvin still on the hotline)

MELVIN: Wait a minute, are you even Egyptian?

JERRY: No sir, I'm from New Jersey.

MELVIN: I demand to speak to someone from Egypt!

JERRY: I'm sorry sir, but all our call centers are outsourced to America.

(Melvin throws the Millennium Rod to the floor in anger, only for it to land in front of Téa's feet)

MELVIN: Friggin' typical! No wonder he wasn't any help.

(Marik, still possessing Téa, picks up the Millennium Rod)

MARIK: Take your filthy hands off of my shiny rod!

MELVIN: Well, if it isn't Dora the Explorer!

MARIK: Where? I mean, no, it's me, Marik.

MELVIN: I know. I'd recognize those boobies anywhere. Have you finally come to claim your hug?

MARIK: No. I've come to claim your life!

(Melvin grabs Marik/Téa's arm and throws him a short distance away)

MELVIN: You dumb mother[bleep]er! Don't you know that even if you succeeded in killing me, you'd be losing the only chance of regaining your body? (points the Millennium Rod at Marik/Téa) It would just be like killing yourself.

MARIK: Curses! Out of all the air-tight plans I've created, this just had to be the one to fail.

MELVIN: I'm going to enjoy carving you into a thousand tiny pieces.

MARIK: But wait, what about what you said before? "It'd be like killing yourself?"

MELVIN: What can I say? I'm die-curious.

TRISTAN: (off-screen) Just [bleep] already!

MARIK: (does a somersault over Melvin's head and lands on the other side of the arena) I'm glad I'm not wearing a braaaaaaaaa! They don't call me Tea Gardner for nothing!

MELVIN: Wi-Fi mode, on! (sends Marik/Téa sprawling backward on the floor with the Millenium Rod)

MARIK: No, my brain! Think of all the stomach-exposing tops I'll never get to wear!

ISHIZU: Leave my brother alone, brother!

MELVIN: Ishizu.

ISHIZU: I see you got your Rod working again? Let me guess: tech support?

MELVIN: Yes, although apparently using it as a murder weapon voids the warranty. And speaking of "void", prepare to be introduced to it!

(cut back to Duel)

KAIBA: Give it up, Wheeler. This Duel is as good as over. You're just as worthless as ever.

JOEY: Yeah, well say what you will about me, Kaiba, but at least I'm not—

KAIBA: If you're about to make a comment about my being adopted, save it. I'd rather have no parents than live a single day in your shoes, Wheeler. You're a joke. Your father was a drunk. And your mother was smart enough to walk out on your ass when you were too young to start poisoning the world with your stupidity! But by all means, call me "adopted". Go on, do it.

JOEY: I was gonna call you a dork.

KAIBA: Well, what was about as scathing as a YouTube comment.

YAMI: It looks like Téa has gone missing!

TRISTAN: Why do you care?

YAMI: She has my keys! (runs towards the Duel Tower) I have to rescue them!

(at the top of the Duel Tower)

MELVIN: Say hello to the Shadow Realm, Marik!

MARIK: Hello, Shadow Realm.

MELVIN: How did I even spawn from your mind?

YAMI: Hey, Téa, can I have my keys back— wait, what's going on here?

ISHIZU: Pharaoh, you shouldn't be here! It's too dangerous! Melvin is about to destroy all of us!

YAMI: But are my keys okay?

ISHIZU: Your... keys?

YAMI: Yes. I require them to open things.

MELVIN: Welcome to the party, Yugi. We were just about to play Twister. It involves me twisting your neck until it goes "snap". We were also going to play Snap. It has similar rules.

YAMI: I usually enjoy parties that have unconscious women on the floor, Melvin, but this party is just bad. You should really think about hiring a magician next time. Or at least a piñata.

MELVIN: Don't worry, Pharaoh. When we Duel, I'll give you more piñatas than you could possibly imagine. (laughs evilly and leave the tower)

YAMI: I don't know how he did it, but he made that sound bloody threatening.

(Téa is unconscious on the floor, talking to herself)

TÉA: Oh my God, that's right, Pharaoh... Friend me! Friend me! Friend all over my face! Oh, that's so friendly of you. Oh, you're such a good friend. Make friends with my vagina!

YAMI: Téa, wake up!

TÉA: (wakes up, startled) Oh my God! I didn't say anything weird, did I?

YAMI: Yes.

TÉA: Oh, Pharaoh! You came to rescue me!

YAMI: Actually, I came for my keys.

TÉA: Oh...

YAMI: Wait a minute, (checks his pocket) they were in my pocket all along! Way to waste my time, Téa!

TRISTAN: (off-screen) Just [bleep] already!

(cut back to Duel)

KAIBA: Now, I bring forth my Blue-Eyes!

DUKE (with onscreen caption reading "[actual 4kids dialogue]"): No way! Old Blue-Eyes is back?

(cut to Takahata101 slow clapping to Duke's quote, unimpressed)

KAIBA: Blue-Eyes! Wipe out Joey's remaining Life Points!

JOEY: Nyeeeeeeeeh! (falls to his knee) Man, I lost again! But at least I held my own for a while, huh, Kaiba?

KAIBA: We were still on the first turn.

JOEY: Oh.

KAIBA: I hope you learned a lesson from all this, Wheeler. Never try to do anything, ever. You'll only fail and look like a [bleep]ing idiot.

MOKUBA: Big brother, quit being so mean!

KAIBA: What?

MOKUBA: I think Yugi was right when he said that you have nothing but hate inside your heart!

(flashback)

YAMI: You have nothing but hate inside your heart, Kaiba. Also, you dress funny.

KAIBA: Ah!

(end flashback)

KAIBA: Ah! Dress funny?

JOEY: Don't be silly, Mokuba. Eh, Kaiba's a good guy.

DUKE: Yeah. And even though he doesn't want to admit it, deep down he knows he's our friend.

KAIBA: Eheheh. Okay. Let me make this simple for all of you. You're losers. I don't mean that in an endearing way. It [bleep]ing hurts me that I have to interact with all of you so much. Duke, you're a lecherous pervert with a failed game store. Congrats.

DUKE: Uh...

KAIBA: Wheeler. The only reason anyone even acknowledges you is because your best friend is the King of Games. You'll probably end up in jail in about five years with bills coming out of your ass because you have absolutely no real life skills. And you're a giant parasite on society and everyone around you.

JOEY: You don't have to be so rude, Kaiba. ("Koiba")

KAIBA: And my name... is not... "Koiba"!

JOEY: Nyeh.

KAIBA: And Tristan. Tristan. You are the single most worthless human being I've ever met. (holds up two fingers on each hand and waves them) Deuces. (leaves behind a depressed Joey, an unimpressed Duke and an excited Tristan)

TRISTAN: Hooray! I'm friends with Kaiba!

(ending)

CAPTION:
[for all your cursed artifact questions,
call millennium tech support
remember to ask for jerry]

(stinger, Téa and Yami at the arcade)

TÉA Do you want to dance with me?

YAMI: Go and [bleep] yourself.

TÉA: Why won't anyone dance with me?

YAMI: Because I wanna [bleep] you.

(post-ending; Takahata101's attempts at the slow clap)

(fade to black)

CAPTION: bloopers

YAMI: I usually enjoy parties that have unconscious— (falters mid-sentence)

KAIBA: And your mother was smart enough to walk out on your ass before you were too young to [bleep]. That's not the right line.

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