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← "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mai" #44: "Ishizu Explains It All" "Requiem For A Nyeh" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Joey Wheeler, Yugi Muto, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Mokuba Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Ishizu Ishtar, Marik Ishtar, Melvin, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.

Date: November 1, 2009

Running Time: 8:14

Transcript Edit

(Team Four Star's "Dragonball Z Abridged" opening)

KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonba—

YAMI: (interrupting) Yo Kaiser, I'm happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but "Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged" is one of the greatest shows of all time.

JOEY: Mai's soul has been sent to the Shadow Realm! Well ain't that a kick in the teeth...

YAMI: I'm afraid even friendship cannot save her now.

TÉA: Bull crap!

TRISTAN: Three duels into the semi-finals and three people have been hospitalized. I wonder if there's a connection.

DUKE: (Sexyback playing in background) Wanna know the best thing about unconscious chicks? They can't say no.

(Everyone turns to look at Duke)

DUKE: What?! Oh yeah, like I'm the only one thinking it.

(Title sequence)

MOKUBA: (Through Kaiba's coat collar) I've almost finished analyzing the Egyptian text, Seto. I'm using Babel Fish, so the translation should be about 38% accurate.

KAIBA: Thank you, talking collar.

JOEY: Man, a talking collar. As if his coat wasn't bad-ass enough.

TRISTAN: It's like he's wearing K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider.

KAIBA: Well, it looks like my opponent has decided to concede. They must have realized that it was pointless to even face me on the field of battle. Their chances of victory were so slim that—

ISHIZU: (interrupting) Hello.

KAIBA: Damn it! Okay, nevermind.

TÉA: Yugi! What's that thing?

YAMI: That's Ishizu! She's the one who told me about my ancient past, even though I already kinda knew about it. She's a mysterious character shrouded in mystery, which is just another way of saying she's boring as all get out.

DUKE: (Sexyback) I'd hit it.

MARIK: Ishizu! Help me!

MELVIN: Sorry Marik, but your sister's in another castle!

MARIK: (trapped in hourglass) No! What is this I don't even.

ISHIZU: Sorry I'm late, I was stuck on this really difficult Professor Layton puzzle. You know the one.

KAIBA: How in the hell did you enter my tournament and get to the semi-finals without my knowing about it? Seriously, you'd think I'd keep tabs on stuff like that.

ISHIZU: I achieved victory with my Millennium Necklace. It allows me to perceive the future.

KAIBA: So you cheated, just like everybody else here. Nice. Good to know my Battle City Rules were completely ineffectual.

JOEY: Hey, I didn't cheat!

KAIBA: You're not even in my tournament, Wheeler.

JOEY: Ah-bah-dah-nyeah?!

ISHIZU: I'm here to save my brother's soul. He has been consumed by a great evil, and I intend to rid him of it.

MELVIN: (thinking) Good luck with that, chucklenuts! I've been om-nom-nomming on his soul for a good ten years now, and I happen to like the taste. Mmmmm, that's good Marik soul.

KAIBA: Look, I don't believe in any of this bullsh*t! You wanna know what I believe in? Trading cards, and lots of them. So put up your f*cking dukes bitch, because you are going down, KaibaCorp style!

ISHIZU: You may not believe, Kaiba, but by the end of this duel you will know that there is an even greater power at work here, a power that threatens the very fabric of our existence.

KAIBA: I'm not interested in your fairy tales! Unless they involve unicorns. I like unicorns.

MOKUBA: (through collar) Me too!

KAIBA: Shut up, talking collar.

ISHIZU: We are all of us part of an online phenomenon known as "Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series", created by a chubby British guy in his mid-twenties, and 4Kids wishes to see this show cancelled.

KAIBA: Here, let me pretend I'm interested. "Gee, Miss Ishizu, why would they wanna do that?"

ISHIZU: Because Yu-Gi-Oh! is a product under their control, and right now, most of the interest in Yu-Gi-Oh! stems from our world, but our universe has grown tired and cliché. Our characters have become nothing more then vessels for lame catchphrases. For example, Joey saying "Nyeh".

JOEY: Nyeh?

ISHIZU: Kaiba saying, "Screw the rules, I have money".

KAIBA: Haven't said that in years.

ISHIZU: Or Tristan saying... pretty much anything.

TRISTAN: Goddamnit, Nappa!

KAIBA: If that's true, then why don't you have a catchphrase?

ISHIZU: Because shut up. There is a prophecy Kaiba, a prophecy that speaks of our world being destroyed, and unless I defeat you, that prophecy will come true.

KAIBA: Well good, because I wouldn't want to live in a world where a worthless character like you can defeat me. My turn! I activate my Crush Card Virus, leaving you with no monsters to attack me with. And now Virus Cannon, send her magic cards to the graveyard! Hah! Now do you understand why so many people love me, even though I'm the biggest dick in this entire show? It's because I'm Seto freakin' Kaiba! Accept no substitutes; I just ruined your entire deck in a few measly turns, and now it's just a matter of time before I destroy you with the very card you gave to me, Obelisk the Tormen—

ISHIZU: (interrupting) Exchange of Spirit!

KAIBA: Exchange of what now?

ISHIZU: Now we must swap the cards in our decks with the cards in our Graveyards, leaving me with all the cards I need, and you, Kaiba, with only six.

(beat)

KAIBA: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

(Mokuba is in the control room watching "Eden: The Zhang Chronicles")

ZHANG: You my Wang, G?

WANG: Yes, I am Colonel Wang.

ZHANG: Can I touch you?

(Canned Laughter)

MOKUBA: Hahahahahaha! It's funny because "wang" means "penis"!

KAIBA: (On computer) —UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

MOKUBA: Oh no, Seto's in danger! I must save him! To the Mokuba Mobile!

(Batman scene transition music, featuring Mokuba's soul card from Duelist Kingdom)

YAMI: (thinking) I wonder how that milkshake's doing.

MOKUBA: Vroooom— Mokuba Mobile away!

YAMI: There isn't a Mokuba Mobile.

KAIBA: —UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

MOKUBA: Big brother! Are you okay?

KAIBA: —UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! (gasps) Mokuba! She's crippled my deck! What the hell do I do now?

MOKUBA: Kick her in the nads!

KAIBA: She doesn't have those things!

MOKUBA: In that case I'm all out of options!

KAIBA: Thanks, Mokuba. As always, you've been a big help.

MOKUBA: No problem, bro!

MELVIN: (thinking) Ya~awn! This card game needs more imminent death. I think I'll go find Odion and murder him a little. Then maybe I'll give the Pharaoh the biggest hug of his life! (Millennium Rod glows) Oh fudge, I could've sworn I'd set this thing to vibrate!

KAIBA: Obelisk, I command you to—

VOICE: Wait, Kaiba, you must not use Obelisk. The future depends on it... and so does the past.

(Kaiba begins having a vision)

KAIBA: What the— Just who the hell are you?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: I am the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future, and I am here to help you win this children's card game.

KAIBA: And, why would you wanna do that?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Oh well I'm glad you asked, because you see, ("Prologue" from Army of Darkness soundtrack starts playing) thousands of years ago, there was a bloody war between man and machine. Mankind fought tooth and nail to defeat the rampaging devices, but their leader, Christian Bale, was blinded by greed and bitterness, and it was to be his downfall. For he was murdered in his sleep by his wife, Bryce Dallas Howard, who was, as it turns out, a deadly Cylon agent.

KAIBA: (music stops) Wait, I thought you said this all happened in the past?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: It did... and it will!

KAIBA: Look, can we just get to the part that concerns me?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: It's all about you, isn't it, Seto Kaiba?

KAIBA: Well, yeah.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Very well. (music starts again) Thousands of years ago before Joss Whedon, you lived in ancient Egypt, and you were dating this really hot chick.

KAIBA: I was?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes. She was totally into you, for some reason.

KAIBA: Huh. Did we ever have sex?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes.

KAIBA: Was it... good?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Noooooooooo.

KAIBA: (grunts)

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Kaiba, you must not use your God Card. If you do, the fate of the world and your totally hot dragon girlfriend from the distant future will be in grave danger.

KAIBA: (music stops) Then how the hell do I defeat Ishizu?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Ask yourself, "What would Christian Bale do?"

KAIBA: I thought you said he was murdered... by his robot wife.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes. Don't do that. I dunno, man, you should probably summon your Blue-Eyes or something.

KAIBA: Man, I really need to cut down on the drugs!

(Blue-Eyes White Dragon Theme plays)

ISHIZU: So, you're going to attack me with Obelisk, right?

KAIBA: Actually, I changed my mind about that.

ISHIZU: But this is what destiny told me you would do!

KAIBA: F*ck destiny! I am Seto Kaiba, I make my own fate, and now I'm going to summon my Blue-Eyes White Dragon to destroy your remaining life points!

ISHIZU: But why, why would you do such a thing?

KAIBA: Because a robot from the future told me to!!

(music stops, Ishizu stares at Kaiba with a blank look)

KAIBA: Oh what, like it's anything more ridiculous then half the stuff you've been coming out with.

ISHIZU: I lost! That giant rock lied to me!

KAIBA: It looks like the rules (puts on sunglasses) just got screwed.

(Ending, "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who, the opening to CSI: Miami, plays)

CAPTION: [millennium necklace... more like millennium sucklace]

KAIBA: Oh, what's up? It's starting to bore me how much you suck! No seriously, you all suck. Boink! I broke your stupid crap, moron!

YUGI: My fists, they are made of steel!

Post Ending

(Cybernetic ghost trying to hump Kaiba)

KAIBA: Please stop doing that...

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