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TranscriptEdit

CAPTION: [PREVIOUSLY...]

ANNOUNCER: Previously, on this!

KAIBA: I have to find my real father.

MOKUBA: Yeah!

KAIBA: And then kill him!

MOKUBA: Yeah!... Wait, what?

ANNOUNCER: And now for the thrilling final installment of... this!

(Kaiba is seen typing on his computer)

KAIBA: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

MOKUBA: Find anything, Seto?

KAIBA: Eh, No, Mokuba, I didn't.

MOKUBA: Oh, I thought maybe you found something on the computer.

KAIBA: I just said- Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like right before you asked me that.

MOKUBA: I thought maybe you were just thinking out loud.

KAIBA: I was... about this. The situation we're in right now. That's what I was thinking about.

MOKUBA: Ooooooohhhhh... So did you find anything?

KAIBA: Wait! I think I may have found something.

MOKUBA: What is it, Seto?

KAIBA: It's a flimsy connection, but it's the only one I can find. Soon, I will know the identity of... my real father!

MOKUBA: I thought Gozaburo was our father.

KAIBA: Mokuba, go back to sleep.

MOKUBA: Ok, wake me when you find something, Seto.

KAIBA: It's taking every ounce of my strength to stop myself from smothering him.

(cuts to TeamFourStar's DragonBall Z Abridged)

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, over here!

ZARBON: Sir, it seems that Seto Kaiba is dangerously close to learning the truth.

FRIEZA: Indeed, Zarbon! Little good it will do him though. Kaiba will never know the identity of his real father. Hahahahaha!

(cuts to Kaiba and Mokuba in Pegasus's Castle)

ANNOUNCER: And now, back over there!

KAIBA: Was that a DragonBall Z cameo? Geez, knowing my luck, my father's going to turn out to be Ghost Nappa. That's pretty much how these things usually go.

MOKUBA: Aaaahh, but you gotta admit, Seto, Nappa sure is funny!

KAIBA: Yeah, I liked him better when he was called "Tristan".

PEGASUS: Ooooooh! Sick burn there, Kaiba-boy!

KAIBA: Shut up, Pegasus! You know why I'm here. So start talking.

PEGASUS: Now, dear dear Kaiba-boy, Why would I know anything about your father?

KAIBA: You created Duel Monsters.

PEGASUS: Yes, but that doesn't mean I know everything-

KAIBA: Are you kidding me? Everytime something f**ked up happens in this series, you show up and start explaining things. So make with the explanations. I wanna know where I come from. I wanna know who my father was. I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!

PEGASUS: I don't know what to tell you. It's as much a mystery to me as it is to you.

MOKUBA: You know who else I like? Lanipator!

KAIBA: I think you'll find it's pronounced "Lani-pay-der".

MOKUBA: No, no, Say it with me, Seto. "Lani-pah-tore". Lanipator! Do it! Say it! Talk the words!

KAIBA: Pegasus!

PEGASUS: What?

KAIBA: I need the information.

PEGASUS: Well, I could tell you what I know, but...

KAIBA: But what?!

MOKUBA: Lani-

PEGASUS: You would have to do something for me first.

KAIBA: I'm listening...hesitantly.

MOKUBA: -pator!

PEGASUS: Something dirty!

KAIBA: Go on.

PEGASUS: Something very very dirty. So dirty that you'll need to take a shower once we're finished.

KAIBA: WHAT?! What is it?!

PEGASUS: You have to watch... Spice World: The Movie!

KAIBA: Noooo...

PEGASUS: With me.

KAIBA: Noooo...

PEGASUS: And it's the sing-along version!

KAIBA: No! No! NO!

PEGASUS: Well, I guess in that case, you'll never learn the truth.

KAIBA: Can I at least wear a blindfold?

PEGASUS: Oooh! Kaiba-boy! I had no idea you had it in you!

KAIBA: What? We're just watching a movie, right?

PEGASUS: Oh, right. The movie.

("Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background)

CAPTION: [Ninety spicetastic minutes later]

KAIBA: (shockingly) That was... horrifying! This.. must be... how... war veterans feel... to have experienced such brutality... such... unforgettable horrors! A part of me died today. Perhaps the best part.

PEGASUS: Very well, Kaiba. Since you kept up your end of the bargain, I must divulge the naughty little secret I've been keeping all this time.

KAIBA: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sure you're keeping a lot of secrets, Pegasus. A lot of secrets.

MOKUBA: Like the fact that he's gay!

KAIBA: Thank you, Mokuba. I really needed you to translate my sarcastic quip.

MOKUBA: You're welcome, bro.

PEGASUS: Lean closer, Kaiba. I will tell you who you must speak to in order to learn the truth... By whispering the information into your ear.

KAIBA: Ok, but the moment I feel tongue, I'm getting the f**k outta dodge.

(cuts to scene with Kaiba and Mokuba in their Blue-eyes White Dragon jet)

ANNOUNCER: Later, in the sky!

MOKUBA: Uuuuh, Seto, that bird just flipped us off!

KAIBA: Just ignore him, Mokuba.

MOKUBA: Hey! Big dumb bird! You're a jerk!

KAIBA: Mokuba, stop. That's what he wants. He wants you to react.

MOKUBA: I'll give him a reaction. Right upside his big dumb bird head!

KAIBA: Mokuba, you're making us look ridiculous. Now please! Let me concentrate on flying my giant dragon-shaped jet plane.

MOKUBA: How is that bird even flying as fast as us?! And why can't I blink?!

(cuts to a scene where they landed)

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, later on subsequently in a location that could be described as... here!

KAIBA: So Pegasus told us to come here. And here we are. So, what happens now?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Correction! The question you should be asking yourselves is- What happens 5000 years from now?

KAIBA: Oh good. YOU.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: That's right, Kaiba. ME.

MOKUBA: Seto! It's a cylon!

KAIBA: No, Mokuba. This is just the delusional robot who occasionally appears to tell me something important about my past. Hey, wait a minute! Are you here to tell me about my father?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes. That is my purpose, Kaiba. To answer all your tedious questions about your insignificant little life which is actually very important for some reason.

KAIBA: My god...

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: There is no god!

KAIBA: Really?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: I don't know! It's pretty unlikely though, I mean, look around.

KAIBA: Look, I only have one question to ask you right now. Who is my real father?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Your real father!

KAIBA: Yes, my father.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Your father!

KAIBA: That's right, my real father.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Your real father!

KAIBA: Right. Who is he?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Who is your real father?!

KAIBA: That's what I'm asking.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Your father. Who is he? That is what you are asking!

("Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background)

CAPTION: [Ninety spicetastic minutes later]

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: So what you are asking me is- What is the identity of the father of you who is the genuine Kaiba article?!

KAIBA: Just tell me who my real father is!

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Very well. You've waited this long. And you've brought me the precious gemstone I requested.

KAIBA: I didn't bring you no gemstone.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Wait, seriously? I didn't ask you to get me that yet?

KAIBA: No.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Never mind! Your real father, Kaiba, is-

KAIBA: Yes?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: is-

KAIBA: Yes?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: You're sure you're ready for this?

KAIBA: GIVE ME THE DAMN ANSWER!

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Alright, but let me tell you, This is one crazy-ass plot twist. Because as it turns out, you do not have a father!

KAIBA: Wait, WHAT?! What kind of George Lucas bullsh*t is this?! What? Was I conceived by the Midi-chlorians or something?!

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: No, Kaiba. Nothing as lame as that. Because you see, thousands of years ago, before David Bowie's "Life on Mars" became a hit single, you were an ancient Egyptian priest. But that wasn't really you, It was somebody else. When your cousin, the great pharaoh died, everybody was really depressed about it. Except you. You were happy because it meant you got to be in charge for a while. But then, all of a sudden, aliens invaded! And you were killed by their intergalactic overlord, whose name just happened to be "Frieza".

KAIBA: Oh, that's right. I guess I forgot that history and fanfiction were interchangeable.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: If you would let me finish! Kind-of building up to something here. The aliens were happy because everyone was dead, except for the slaves. The slaves were helping the aliens to build more pyramids, just like in Alien vs Predator, starring Lance Henriksen. But the slaves eventually grew tired and died of exhaustion and being whipped to death by the alien space-whips. So Frieza devised a plan to fix all their problems. He decided to create a robot being that could do the work of a thousand slaves. A robot that looked like you, Kaiba.

KAIBA: Uhh, What?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: And so Frieza had the remaining slaves build a cybernetic organism made to look like their previous ruler. And they named it: "The Seto-bot 5000". But Frieza thought the name to be stupid and grew very bored of all the sand, so he left, taking his invasion force with him. And so the robot was abandoned on Earth, never to be activated... until now.

KAIBA: So, you're telling me that I'm a robot created by aliens?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes. Why? Does that not fit in with all the established canon? Because I'm pretty sure I could explain away any inconsistencies...if you gave me about 10 minutes.

KAIBA: No. Normally, I would call you and idiot and then leave, but this does explain a lot. Like my complete lack of anything resembling an emotion. And the fact that I've always had this strange desire to build pyramids and be whipped while doing it.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: And the fact that you don't have a penis!

KAIBA: Ehh, that too.

MOKUBA: Yeah, but what about your birthmark, Seto?

KAIBA: The one that says "Made in Egypt"?

MOKUBA: Yeah!... Oooooohhhhhh... Oh.

KAIBA: So, I'm a robot. Hmm, that actually gives me a lot of closure. Not to mention the fact that it opens the door for all kinds of fan complaints down the road.

MOKUBA: Wait, if he's a robot, then what about me? Who's my real father?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Ghost Nappa!

MOKUBA: Oh.

("Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background)

CAPTION: [the end]

(Kaiba interrupts, cuts back to scene)

KAIBA: Wait Wait wait wait wait! Hold on! If I don't have a father, then who wrote that letter?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: What letter?

KAIBA: The letter from the first video! The one that was trying to blackmail me.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Oh right. Uhh, I thought you would have forgotten about that by now. I mean, I sure as hell did!

KAIBA: Ok, but who wrote it?

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Ummm... The smoke monster from Lost!

KAIBA: Huh.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Does that answer all your questions?

KAIBA: Hmm, not really.

CYBERNETIC GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Too bad!

("Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background)

CAPTION: [the end]

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