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← Episode 01 Episode 02 Episode 03 →

Cast (In order of appearance): Bakura, Zombie Boy, Marik, Zygor, Zorc, Rex, Weevil, Pegasus, Sid, Rebecca, Teddy, Dartz, Alister, Rafael

Date: March 17, 2008

Running Time: 8:56

TranscriptEdit

CAPTION: Somewhere in Egypt...

BAKURA: So to answer your question, Zombie Boy, my favorite movie of all time is Cannibal Holocaust, because of all the blood.

ZOMBIE BOY: Brains! (Subtitle: Sounds gross!)

BAKURA: I know. I give it two severed thumbs up.

MARIK: Silence! It is time for our annual meeting.

BAKURA: We can't start yet. Pegasus is still applying his make-up.

MARIK: Oh. I suppose we should just wait for him then.

BAKURA: Yep.

MARIK: So, anyone know any good jokes?

ZYGOR: Duh, could I have some make-up too?

MARIK: Oh, hey, Bakura, you should do your impression of Yugi Muto.

BAKURA: I don't do an impression of Yugi Muto.

MARIK: Don't be so modest. It's [EFF!]ing brilliant. Come on, we all want to hear it. Isn't that right, my Evil Council of Doom?

ZORC: Not really.

REX: Uhhh, no.

WEEVIL: Yeah, hehe, no.

MARIK: I command you to want to hear it! Or else I shall thrust my rod at you!

REX: Uhhh, okay?

MARIK: That's right! You do as the rod commands!

BAKURA: Well, since you put me on the spot... (clears throat, continues in the same voice) Hey everyone. I'm Yugi Muto. Super special awesome.

MARIK: Ahhahahaha! That is exactly what he sounds like!

REX: Huhuhuhuh, you should do Marik next.

WEEVIL: Yeah, hehe, do him!

MARIK: What? No! Nobody shall do me! I forbid it!

BAKURA: Come on Marik, it's just a bit of harmless fun.

MARIK: It won't be harmless when I stab you in the eye socket and drain your skull of all its fluids!

BAKURA: As you wish... binky-boy.

(Council laughs)

MARIK: I never say that! And if I did, it was because I was making fun of you.

PEGASUS: I am now sufficiently glamorous.

BAKURA: Yes, nothing says "evil" quite like womany eyeliner.

MARIK: Enough! I call this meeting to order. Zombie boy, as the group's secretary, I want you to transcribe everything we say.

ZOMBIE BOY: Brains. (Subtitle: Gotcha.)

MARIK: Our first order of business is to discuss what went wrong with our last plan; it was a total and utter sham! Sham, I say! And that’s a word I don’t often use. Sham. Shamitty sham-sham!

BAKURA: Well, I think that—

MARIK: Sham!

BAKURA: Are you quite finished?

MARIK: Perhaps.

SID: Well, I reckon it failed because Yugi never logs into his YouTube account. He spends all his time playing card games.

MARIK: Is that right, Mr. Know-it-all? Then why didn't you raise this point at our last meeting?!

SID: Well, you didn't give me any lines!

MARIK: Didn't I? Well, then, let me do you a favor, Red. Since you like talking so much, I'll let you choose precisely what to say when I explode your brain with my Millennium Rod!

SID: I never saw France!

CAPTION: [insert exploding head – think scanners]

REX: Whoa! Huhuhuhuhuh! His head, like, exploded and stuff. Cool!

WEEVIL: Yeah, hehe. It was just like that one time when we put that frog in the microwave!

MARIK: Let this be a lesson to all of you: never question my evil plans, no matter how stupid they may be!

BAKURA: Actually, that was my evil plan.

MARIK: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm sorry, Sid. Your criticisms were perfectly acceptable. ...Sid?

ZYGOR: You killed him! You killed my best friend! You monster!

MARIK: Yes, I suppose I did... oh well. On to the next matter on the agenda! I would now like to introduce the newest member of our Evil Council!

REBECCA: Hello, everybody. My name's Rebecca.

BAKURA: You invited an 8-year old girl to join our Council? Really, Marik; I would expect this sort of thing from Pegasus; but not from you.

MARIK: It's not the girl I’m interested in. It's... the bear!

BAKURA: The bear?

MARIK: Yes, with that bear at our side nothing can stop us. Not even Yugi Muto!

BAKURA: Marik, have you been using your Millennium Item as a bong again?

MARIK: No! And it was one time! Let it go already!

REBECCA: Say hello to all the nice people, Teddy.

TEDDY: i'LL sWAllOw yOUr sOUlS!

MARIK: See?! See how utterly evil it is?! Truly it is an abomination!

ZORC: Awww,look at his little nose! I want to hug him!

TEDDY: TouCH mE aND DiE, UncLEan oNE!

ZORC: It's so precious. I want a teddy bear.

TEDDY: YoUR dEAThs sHaLL NOt come swiftly! YoU wiLL sUFFeR tHE uNeNdINg wrATH oF bEElzEBuB!

MARIK: Everybody shut the [EFF!] up! I command you all to stop acting like children!

REBECCA: But I'm eight years old; I can't help it.

PEGASUS: Hello, little girl. Would you like to see my funny bunny?

MARIK: Pegasus, stop trying to molest children and help me think of a plan to defeat Yugi Muto! A plan so evil that even the cruelest and most ruthless organization known to man wouldn't be able to conceive of it.

BAKURA: You mean 4Kids?

MARIK: Well, I was trying to be subtle, but yes. That is who I meant.

TEDDY: WhY dON't yOU jUSt sTaB hIm iN tHe fAcE wItH a KnIfE?

BAKURA: I already suggested that in the last video. Bloody newbie...

TEDDY: ThE mAgGoTs oF heLL aRe waITiNg tO fEAsT oN yOUr cOrPSe.

BAKURA: Little girl, can you please try to control your teddy bear?

REBECCA: Kitty!

BAKURA: I am not a kitty!

MARIK: Oh shut up, Kitty. We need to think of a plan; something sadistic and juvenile.

WEEVIL: We could, like, put a bunch of M-80s down his toilet.

REX: Hehehehe, yeah. Or, like, send him a bunch of prank phone calls.

MARIK: How is that going to defeat Yugi?

REX: I dunno, dude.

WEEVIL: Yeah, hehe. We're just here for the chicks.

MARIK: Oh yes... I forgot...

REX: Hey, baby. Huhuhuhuhuhuh. Come to Raptor.

REBECCA: Ewww! You guys have cooties.

MARIK: Your mother has cooties!

TEDDY: YoUR mOThEr pLAys cARd gAmEs iN heLL!

MARIK: I know; that's because I killed her.

(Phone rings)

TEDDY: oH.

(Phone keeps ringing)

MARIK: Just a second, I have to get the phone. (answers phone) Yes, what the [EFF!] is it?

DARTZ: (on phone) Hello. Is your refrigerator running?

MARIK: I don't have a [EFF!]ing refrigerator! I'm an evil mastermind who lives underground in [EFF!]ing Egypt, for [EFF!]s sake! Why would I need a refrigerator?!

DARTZ: (on phone) Then you had better go and catch it! (hangs up)

MARIK: What?! What the [EFF!] is that supposed to mean?! Oh I see; that was a prank call. Well, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to make me look bad, binky-boy!

BAKURA: I told you he said it.

MARIK: Shut up, Kitty!

(The scene shifts to Dartz's hideout)

CAPTION: Meanwhile...

DARTZ: Curses! My cunning plan to fool Marik into believing his refrigerator was running has been foiled! We shall have to rethink our strategy. Isn't that right, my evil motorcycle-riding henchmen?

ALISTER: We can't hear you boss; we're too busy riding our motorcycles.

DARTZ: Curse you and your motorcycle-riding!

RAFAEL: Zug, zug.

(The scene returns to Marik's lair)

BAKURA: I have an idea, Marik. Why don’t you just use your Millennium Rod to take control of Yugi's mind? Then, he can just defeat himself.

MARIK: You fool! Don't you know that my Millennium Rod is powerless against Yugi? It only works on people called "Steve". Why do you think all the Rare Hunters have the same name?

BAKURA: Wait a minute; if that's true, then why did it work on Bandit Keith?

MARIK: Well, duh! His middle name is Steve! Just check his Wikipedia page if you don't believe me.

(Wikipedia page for "Keith Steve Howard" appears on screen)

BAKURA: Oh... that's a rather annoying limitation.

MARIK: Look, I don't make the rules. The rod only works on guys called "Steve"... and girls called "Steve"... but believe me, those are really hard to find.

PEGASUS: I know a few.

MARIK: Why does that not surprise me? Look, one of us must have said something that would help us defeat Yugi. Zombie Boy, pass me the transcript of the meeting.

ZOMBIE BOY: Brains. (Subtitle: Here you go.)

MARIK: Let's see now, "Brains, brains, brai—" What?! This thing just says the word "brains" over and over again! I told you to write down what we were saying!

ZOMBIE BOY: Brains! (Subtitle: But I did...)

MARIK: Enough! You're fired, Zombie Boy! I don't want to see you in this council ever again! Do you understand?

ZOMBIE BOY: Braaaiiins...! (Subtitle: You can't fire me, I quit!)

MARIK: Yeah, yeah. Have your desk cleared out by the end of the day. Well, that felt exceptionally good! I didn't defeat my arch-nemesis, but I did fire somebody. And in the end, isn't that what being an evil genius is all about? Yes. Yes it is.

BAKURA: Let's celebrate by watching Cannibal Holocaust!

MARIK: Good idea, Kitty!

CAPTION: [one movie rental later...]

(screaming in background)

MARIK: Wow. There is a lot of blood in this movie. Are those his kidneys?

BAKURA: Yes, Marik, those are his kidneys. Now please be quiet. I'm trying to watch.

MARIK: Are they going to kill that girl?

BAKURA: Marik, shut up. You're ruining it for me.

(Beat)

MARIK: What happens at the end? Do they get away?

BAKURA: Marik, please be quiet!

MARIK: ...I prefer comedy movies.

BAKURA: Uhhh...

MARIK: We should have rented something with Adam Sandler.

BAKURA: I thought you said you preferred comedy movies.

MARIK: I did. Oh I see, that was a joke. Well it wasn't funny. You know who is funny? Dane Cook. He is a funny man. I laugh at his material.

(Beat)

MARIK: Just how much blood does that girl have anyway?

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