Cast (In order of appearance): Marik Ishtar, characters from Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade, Yami Bakura.
Special Title: Marik Plays Bloodlines Part 2
Marik: Previously, on The Vampire Diaries...
[In an alleyway]
Homeless Man: Y-You got, you got some change, mister?
Marik: You know, pal, you look like you need a change of pants more than you need actual change. I bet you smell like a dead person- and this is coming from an actual dead person!
[Chooses: 'I do. But not for you.']
Homeless Man: Asshole!
Marik: Wait, what did you call me? I shall have words with your mother, young man!
Marik: Where is she? On second thoughts, I think I might just feed on your blood.
[Bites the mans neck]
Marik: Mmm, that's good homeless person! Wait a minute! What the hell am I doing?
[Releases man and proceeds to leave the alleyway and enter the street.]
Marik: It probably tastes like shattered dreams and despair. Geez, I can't believe that, on my first day as a vampire, I sucked off a hobo.
Yami Bakura: Hahahahahahahaha!
Marik: What? What's so funny, Bakura?
Yami Bakura: Wha-What you said...just now! (Continues laughing)
Marik: I don't get it. Nyeh, I bet it was that homeless guy that pissed on my bed-sheets. Wait, what the hell is that?
[Shows Mercurio staggering up the stairs to his apartment and leaving behind a large bloodstain on the pavement.]
Marik: Uh-Oh! This has all the tell-tale signs of a vampire drive-by shooting!
[Looks around at street.]
Marik: I'd better check in with my homies on the street! Because I have those...Homies. On the street. WHERE ARE YOU HOMIES ON THE STREET?!
Marik: Man, Tim Burton would love to live in a place like this: No sunlight, surrounded by freaks- Oh my god, what if that homeless guy was Tim Burton? I could have killed a national treasure!
[Engages in conversation with man in front of a building]
Man: Oh, man! You! You're a vampire, aren't you?
Marik: Oh, Gee! What gave it away? Uh, was it the copious amounts of blood dripping from my mouth? It was, wasn't it?
[Chooses: What? Vampire? What the hell have you been smoking?]
Man: Come on! Oh, man; you are to! Don't bullshit me, man! Ha! Just...come clean, you know, I mean- oh, man! I ain't gonna tell no-one! It's okay, man! I wanna talk!
Marik: Oh, god, this guy's the vampire equivalent of a fan-girl, isn't he?
[Chooses: Alright then, let's talk.]
Man: Hell yeah! Oh, man! I knew it! I just- Oh, geez- I knew you were; I just could tell-
Marik: Do you need a cigarette?
Man: I just saw your teeth and I was like; 'Dammit!' It was like I could just sense you! The name's Knox Harrington. Pleasure to meet you.
Marik: Yeah, how about I just glomp you right in the neck with my fangs? Would that be 'Kawaii Desu!' enough for you?
[Chooses: The pleasure's all yours. Leave me alone, jackass.]
Knox: Hey, man! Just because I'm a ghoul and you're some cool vampire, you don't need to treat me like crap!
Marik: Yes, I do.
Knox: Oh, man. Get's me so agitated.
Marik: I just drank the blood of a hobo! How do you think I feel?
[Chooses: Just shut up and tell me what a ghoul is.]
Knox: Okay; calm down! Don't be such a dick!
Knox: Well, the way it was explained to me: Whenever a vampire lets a human drink some of their vampire blood, you'll get some of their vampire power.
Marik: Dude, that sounds gay, even by vampire standards!
Knox: You can heal up and that kind of stuff! [Does strange movements with head and makes unintelligible sounds.]
Marik: What is that; vampire Tourettes? Look, this conversation has served no purpose! You sir, are a poor excuse for a homie on the street!
[Chooses: Don't you mean "wannabe-vampire lowlifes"?]
Knox: I- uh- I...
Marik: That's right; what are you gonna do about that, huh?
Knox: Screw you! I don't need this! I just thought it'd be cool to talk to you, but I guess not! [Chooses: You guessed right.]
Marik: Yeah, by the way, good luck with the imminent alien invasion. I'm sure you'll make a perfectly good mindless drone.
[Continues to walk on the footpath underneath a building. A man walks and, due to his close proximity with the avatar, is walking around strangely.]
Marik: Hey, dude! Did you hear what that guy called me? He called me a d- what the hell is wrong- Oh, I thought he was having a seizure there, for a second.
[Spots a trashcan against a corner wall. A prostitute stands near it. He walks towards the bin.]
Marik: Oh, hey! A trashcan! This must be where that homeless guy lives! I'll call it 1 Homeless Lane. That is the address.
Marik: Oh, hey! Speaking of trash!
Prostitute: Hey, baby. Looking for a date?
Marik: Yeah, to be honest, I think I'd rather take my chances with the homeless guy; I think there'd be less chance of disease.
[Chooses: No thanks, I'll pass. Character proceeds to walk up road.]
Marik: Well, at least we're keeping the place tidy! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's excess litter!
[Spots a man lounging against a wall and approaches him.]
Marik: Oh, hey, look! It's Christian Bale!
Man: Uh, yes? Is there something I can help you with?
Marik: Christian Bale! I'm a huge fan! What the hell are you doing in Vampire World?
[Chooses: What are you doing?]
Man: Waiting for that blasted tow truck I called an hour ago. [Continues talking.]
Marik: No, no, no. The correct answer was: 'I'm Batman.' Get it? Vampires? Bats? Do I have to do all the work for you, Christian Bale?! Ooh, I'd better get out of here before he gets pissed off at me for messing with his lights. Ah-Da-da-da-da-da!
[Chooses: I'm outta here. Avatar continues to walk down the road.]
Marik: Anyway, I was talking about the whole litter situation. This one time, I was controlling someone against their will to destroy their best friend in cold blood, and I noticed that there was this this half-empty can of soda just lying there on the side-walk. It was just there! Anybody could have picked it up! I mean, I would have done it myself but...I was really thirsty and- you know what else? It didn't even taste good anymore!
[A police man walks by]
Marik: And speaking of things that are completely ridiculous: Look, there's a police officer over there but he hasn't noticed the huge bloodstain right here on the freaking sidewalk!
Marik: It's not like it's hard to spot or anything! Nya, I guess I just have to take the law into my own hands...Like Batman!
[Avatar is in a hallway with apartments on either side. Classical music plays.]
Marik: You know, let's face it; I'm already a better Batman than Christian Bale...and George Clooney and Val Kilmer...and Michael Keaton.
[Opens double doors but doesn't enter.]
Marik: Greetings! I am Vengeance, I am the night, I am Bat-
[Doors close on their own accord.]
Marik: What the hell?! The door closed in my face! I am not having good luck with doors today.
[Opens doors and enters Mercurio's apartment. He lies on the couch in the middle of the room.]
Marik: Man, I haven't seen this much blood since my twelfth birthday.
Mercurio: Those mothers- Ripped me up... I'm dying here!
Marik: Yeah, this is what happens when you tell Jack Bauer he throws like a girl.
[Chooses: What happened to you?]
Mercurio: I got- I went- Uh, what is this-Ugh! Is this my rib?
Marik: No, that's your penis.
Mercurio: Shit, my rib is poking through my side?!
Marik: No, no, your penis is poking through your side.
Mercurio: You gotta look and tell me.
Marik: Dude! I don't care how wasted I am on hobo blood; I'm not looking at your junk! No, no, don't give me that look.
[Chooses: It's a broken bottle. Now tell me what happened to you.]
Mercurio: God damn chemist; can't trust any operators in L.A. I verified him, organisation seemed reliable.
Marik: Oh, it was Scientologists that did this; that makes sense.
Mercurio:...Occasionally does explosives. I set up a drop. I show up at the beach with the money, right? Four of these guys, they come out of nowhere! Junky pricks; hit me with a bat!
Marik: Shouted something about Zenu.
Mercurio: It feels like I got a freaking horse kicking it. Those...cock-suckers. Beat me rotten; left me for a stiff.
Marik: Well, stop bringing up your penis!
Mercurio:... Got in my car, crawl my ass up here- the vamp blood's the only thing holding me together. But, shit, they got the money, they got the astrolite-
Marik: Oh, no! Not the astrolite- whatever the hell that is!
[Chooses: Vamp blood?]
Mercurio: Right, you're straight off the bus. Once a month, I get fed vampire blood-
Marik: Ew! That's like drinking recycled urine! I mean, no matter how much you tell yourself that it's good for you, it doesn't work because it's still gross! Uh, not that I'm speaking from experience, or anything.
[Chooses: Did you learn anything in all that time, genius?]
Mercurio: You think I'm some amateur? I got their number. Small time sons of bitches live out in some dump on the beach. (Continues talking)
Marik: Oh, cool, I can work on my tan!
[Chooses: How do I get there?]
Marik: Wait: I'm a vampire. I no longer have a tan...NOOOOOOOO! This is even worse than when the astrolite went missing!
Mercurio:..Down the street, take the parking lot stairs down to the beach...on the right. Those better not be some of my last words.
Marik: I dunno; it's a vast improvement over 'Please look at my penis.'
[Chooses: Anything else?]
Mercurio: You gotta- You gotta get it back from them, maybe reason with them, maybe break in- I dunno. I wanna kill them. Do whatever you people do!
[Chooses: I can't believe the prince trusted an idiot like you.]
Marik: Whaddya mean; 'You people?!' Geez, it's not enough that you're lying there in a pool of your own blood, and you just had to go and play the race card, didn't you? I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is for a vampire in today's society? We're the biggest minority there is!
[Chooses: Sure you could have. You're a spineless coward.]
Mercurio: I blew it, believe me, I know, in more ways then you can imagine...
Marik: I don't know, I can imagine some pretty vivid blowing.
Mercurio: ...But you gotta listen to me. If anyone finds out, I'm a dead man. Keep quiet about this, and I can get you what you need: Guns, ammo, anything! You gotta trust me!
[Chooses: I'll think about it. Bye.]
Marik: Yeah, like I wanna buy weapons from a giant racist!
[Looks around apartment briefly.]
Marik: Man, this guy's living pretty up-scale and cushy for a guy who sucks down vampire blood night after night. No wonder Christian Bale hangs around outside his house. He probably looks inside the windows, all like; 'Man, I wish my lifestyle were that pretentious!
[Exits apartment and heads for front doors.]
Marik: Forget this place! I'm gonna go find something to eat! And, by that, I mean something that doesn't taste like neglect!
Marik: Man, I'd kill for some elevator music right now.