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Cast (In order of appearance): Kaiba, Mokuba, Yami, Téa, Ishizu, Mai

Date: January 19, 2008

Running Time: 6:45

TranscriptEdit

Intro

YAMI: Hey, paisanos! It's the Super Yu-Gi-Oh! Brothers Super Show!

Kaiba Corp

KAIBA: In the 4 months since the last episode aired, (zoom down on duel training room) I have created a brand-new, ultra-efficient, technologically advanced (emphasized echo) DUEL DISK SYSTEM! And that's not all. I also have a sexy new outfit. With these weapons at my disposal Yugi will be powerless to defeat me. Also I have a God Card.

KAIBA CORP WORKER 1: (he looks elderly, has flowing white hair, wears headphones with a microphone, and has a smooth voice) Mr. Kaiba! We have prepared the duel robot for your ridiculously complicated card game training exercise.

MOKUBA: What's going on, Seto?

KAIBA: The truth is, Mokuba, even a God Card can't defeat Yugi Moto. He's a main character. The only way I'll ever have a chance of beating him in a children's card game is by doing something that nobody has ever done.

MOKUBA: No, Bro! You can't mean you're actually going to--

KAIBA: I have to, Mokuba. It's the only way.

MOKUBA: But it's too dangerous! Nobody's ever tried it and survived!

KAIBA: I know, but I have no choice. I have to actually learn how to play Duel Monsters!

(Cue The Dramatic Prairie Dog)

Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

Museum

TÉA: Oh my God, a giant rock!

YAMI: Yes. Clearly it was my destiny to behold this giant rock.

ISHIZU: Welcome, Pharaoh. I have something very important to tell you.

YAMI: Does it concern my handsomeness?

ISHIZU: No. I am Ishizu Ishtar, and I hold all the secrets to your past.

YAMI: You know the truth of my past? Then tell me, who am I? Why am I here? And why do I feel so very comfortable in leather?

("Prologue" from Army of Darkness soundtrack plays as Ishizu speaks)


ISHIZU: Thousands of years ago, you defeated an ancient evil force that threatened to destroy the world. Now destiny is about to repeat itself in the Battle City Tournament that will determine the fate of the whole universe! (end ominous music) And as for the leather pants, don't worry, it's just a phase you're going through. You'll soon grow out of it.

YAMI: That's it? Don't I at least get a flashback?

ISHIZU: I just spoiled the entire plot of Season Two. What more do you want?

YAMI: I demand a flashback!

ISHIZU: Fine! Have your smelly flashback. Behold, Pharaoh, as I now reveal unto you the events of the distant past!

(harp strum begins flashback)

BABY ATEM: (in Yami's regular voice) Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh wants milk! Somebody fetch me a nipple!

(harp strum ends flashback)

ISHIZU: There, satisfied?

YAMI: Not really. I was hoping to see something a little later on in my life.

ISHIZU: Oh, in that case...

(harp strum begins another flashback)

EGYPTIAN SOLDIER: Pharaoh! The Thief King's men are killing everybody in the city! What should we do to stop them?

ATEM: Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh wants milk! Somebody fetch me a nipple!

(harp strum ends flashback)

YAMI: You're just [bleep]-ing with me, aren't you?

ISHIZU: Indeed I am.

Kaiba Corp

KAIBA CORP WORKER 2: Activating the duel robot.

DUEL ROBOT: //Welcome, to the Aperture Science Duel Monsters training program, if you win this children's card game, there will be cake.

KAIBA: Engaging my new (emphasized echo) DUEL DISK SYSTEM!

CAPTION: [potential for child injury = very much]

KAIBA: I summon Boar Soldier! Hitotsu-Me Giant! Maha Vailo! And...some kind of evil zebra-unicorn thing... Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Whatever it is, I'll be seeing it in my nightmares....

DUEL ROBOT: //Setting two monsters in defense mode...

MOKUBA: What a digital dummy! The robot gave Seto a huge lead!

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

DUEL ROBOT: //Now summoning 3 Blue-Eyes White Dragons.

KAIBA: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

DUEL ROBOT: //Affirmative. So?

KAIBA: I thought I designed you to follow the rules as closely as possible!

DUEL ROBOT: //After analyzing the Duel Monsters Rulebook, I concluded that no card game could possibly be so unnecessarily complicated; therefore I wiped the rules from my memory.

KAIBA: Even the most advanced computer in the world can't figure out this game!

MOKUBA: What a digital dummy!

KAIBA CORP WORKER 2: Mr. Kaiba is in serious danger! See? These randomly coloured bars indicate danger. Don't you get that?

KAIBA: Now I sacrifice my monsters in order to summon Obelisk the Tormentor!

CAPTION: [rejected cloverfield monster design]

KAIBA: Go, Obelisk! Kill that weird evil unicorn zebra-thing! It's really freaking me out! Oh, and while you're at it, defeat the Duel Robot as well.

KAIBA CORP WORKER 2: Obelisk's power level is off the charts! The randomly colored bars are going crazy! See? That indicates great power!

KAIBA: Obelisk! Attack now! Show my Blue Eyes why you're known as the Tormentor!

VOICES: (sound suspiciously like Joey and Tristan): *TOOOOORMENT!*

KAIBA: The cake is a lie, bitch!

Battle City

YAMI: I feel so troubled.

TÉA: Don't worry about it, Pharaoh. I think you look good in leather pants.

YAMI: This goes way beyond leather pants, Téa, and I never thought I'd say that. Ishizu told me I must enter the Battle City Tournament in order to fulfill my destiny and save the world. Do you know what this means?

TÉA: No, what?

YAMI: It means the writers are recycling the same tired plot device from Season One! Next thing you know, all the old characters will be showing up inexplicably--

MAI: Did somebody say "old characters"?

TÉA: Why is there a random prostitute running towards us? Oh, it's Mai.

YAMI: What in the name of German Alternative rockgroup Falco are you doing here, Mai?

MAI: I'm here to compete in the tournament that was announced about five minutes ago.

YAMI: How very convenient, but I wonder who could be behind all of this. It must be somebody with lots of money...

TÉA: Maybe it's Tristan!

YAMI: No, not Tristan.

TÉA: Ummm... Joey?

YAMI: Getting warmer...

KAIBA: (appears on TV screen) Surprise, it's me!!!

TÉA: Wow, I totally didn't see that coming!

KAIBA: Hello, all you Domino City dweebs! As you're well aware by now, my revolutionary new Battle City Tournament will be starting in a few episodes, so you don't have much time to get yourself a brand new (emphasized echo) DUEL DISK SYSTEM! ...trademark. And by the way, everybody competing will be forced to follow the official Duel Monsters Rulebook!

YAMI: Well, rock me Amadeus! That's the first real plot twist this show's ever had!

MAI: I don't know which is bigger, his face on the big screen, or my boobs.

YAMI: Your boobs.

KAIBA: (Flown in by a helicopter): Behold! My Kaiba-copter!...trademark.

YAMI: Kaiba! He looks almost as ridiculous as me now!

KAIBA (raises a finger toward the sky): Don't forget to register and pick up your Duel Disk because exactly one week from tod--(his finger hits the helicopter's rotorblades and is cut off) AARGH! My FINGER! It came clean off! Somebody call an ambulance! Mokuba! Can't you fly this helicopter properly?!

MOKUBA: Sorry bro!

YAMI: What a digital dummy!

Ending: Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" plays

CAPTION:
[anyone got a spare
finger they're not using?]

Stinger, from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

BANDIT KEITH: Tim! They've got your wife!

BONZ: But I'm not married!

BANDIT KEITH: You are now! To AMERICA!

Post-ending

BABY ATEM: Wah! Wah! Baby Pharaoh went doody in his diaper!! And where the hell is that nipple?!

(Again, cue The Dramatic Prairie Dog)

CAPTION: [rejected cloverfield monster design]

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