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← "Ishizu Explains It All" #45: "Requiem For A Nyeh" "Melvin'd" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Kaiba, Mokuba, Announcer, Yugi, Ishizu, Tristan, Hank Ishtar, Marik, Odion, Motorcycle Guy, Melvin, Merchant, Shadi, Joey, Yami Bakura

Date: December 9, 2009

Running Time: 10:59

Transcript Edit

(standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: I just realized what the "G" stands for in Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. Don't watch it!

(Seto and Mokuba enter a computer room aboard the airship. Mokuba logs onto a computer.)

SETO: Mokuba, have you finished translating the Egyptian text on that God Card yet?

MOKUBA: No, but I did download the trailer for the Yu-Gi-Oh! Tenth Anniversary Movie.

SETO: Does it look any good?

MOKUBA: Well, we're not in it.

SETO: [Bleep]ers. I mean... carry on.

(Clips from the movie are shown)

MOKUBA: It appears to be about this guy Paradox going back to the past on his time-travelling motorcycle in order to play a children's card game with the three main Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonists.

ANNOUNCER: (echoing) In 3D!!!

GIANT ONSCREEN TEXT: 3D!!!

(Cut back to computer room)

SETO: Just like James Cameron's Avatar, only instead of intergalactic Smurfs fighting giant robots, it's a children's card game.

ANNOUNCER: (echoing) In 3D!!!

GIANT ONSCREEN TEXT: 3D!!!

SETO: Sounds awful.

MOKUBA: Did you wanna go see it, bro?

SETO: Mokuba, we're in the middle of a tournament. We'll just download it illegally like everybody else.

(Title sequence. At the end of the sequence, in front of the logo...)

ANNOUNCER: (echoing) In 3D!!!

GIANT ONSCREEN TEXT: 3D!!!

(In one of the airship's rooms)

YUGI: Ishizu, why didn't you warn us that your brother was freaking Charles Manson?

ISHIZU: I didn't think it was important.

YUGI: But he's insane! We're literally sleeping on the same blimp as a deranged psychopath! He could kill any one of us at any time, and let me tell you something, if it isn't Tristan, I'm gonna be pissed.

TRISTAN: (offscreen) Yeah!

ISHIZU: I suppose an explanation is in order. It all began many years ago in the dunes of far-off Egypt, where my family guarded the secrets of the Pharaoh's tomb.

(Flashback)

HANK ISHTAR: (singing to the tune of Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle")
A kid showed up just the other day
I don't know how but it was kinda cool.
And there was stuff to do and so I got real busy,
And then he grew up and he was all pissed off.
He was bitter for some reason, and as he grew,
He said "I don't want to be like you, Dad,
And I sure don't want to live underground."

And the cat's in the cradle and the Millennium Rod
My favorite Superman quote is "Kneel before Zod"
When you coming home, son? I don't know when,
You probably should have told me when you're coming home,
I mean it's not like I have my own wristwatch.

MARIK: Ishizu, I wanna go outside! Waah!

ISHIZU: Marik, you know it's forbidden for us to wander the surface. It's too dangerous. Haven't you seen The Little Mermaid?

MARIK: Only like a bajillion times. I wanna go to the surface and befriend a seagull and fight a giant octopus and maybe fall in love with a handsome prince.

ISHIZU: All right, but I can only guarantee one of those things will happen.

(In a bazaar)

MARIK: O.M.G., Ishizu, this place is off the hook! Just look at all the poverty and disease! It's so cool! Oh, let's buy a rag! I've always wanted a rag!

ISHIZU: I just hope Odion was able to fool our father into believing we haven't left the tomb.

ODION: I fluffed a pillow. ... It's [bleep]ing foolproof.

MARIK: Whee! Hahahahahaha!

CAPTION: [this is why marik should never frolic]

MARIK: (finds a comic book on the ground and picks it up) Look, Ishizu! Somebody left a perfectly good comic book lying around. Hey! This isn't like my scriptures at all! I mean, what's that one guy doing to that other guy? I'm not sure what it is, but it gives me cravings. And— (sees a TV set) Oh, look, a shiny box! I must worship it!

ACTOR: Sorry, baby, but I'm a rebel. A loner, if you will, and I can't—

(Image turns to static)

MELVIN: (on TV) KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY! (continues)

ISHIZU: Marik? Are you all right?

MARIK: (monotone) Must... kill... family...

MERCHANT: What's the matter, kid? You never seen the Kill Your Family show before?

ISHIZU: (grabbing Marik) Marik, we have to go!

MARIK: But I like that show!

MERCHANT: What a sweet kid.

MARIK: Oh, Ishizu, I'm having such a great time out here on the surface. It has pretty much everything — TV, motorcycles, rags... Friggin' rags, Ishizu!

ISHIZU: (talking over Marik as he says "TV") Be quiet, Marik!

MARIK: But so long as I'm a tombkeeper, I'll never be able to enjoy any of those things.

ISHIZU: (voice-over) I then realized that defying thousands of years of family tradition and spitting in the face of our insane father was probably not the best idea I've ever had.

MARIK: (quickly) Ishizu, I have to go pee-tinkle.

ISHIZU: Marik, our time is up. We must return home.

MARIK: Aww, come on! Just five more minutes... We didn't even ride Splash Mountain yet!

ISHIZU: No, Marik.

MARIK: Jeez, you're such a buzzkill, Sis. But... could I... maybe keep the comic book? It is relevant to my interests.

ISHIZU: Marik, please don't flaunt your yaoi in public.

SHADI: Jagshemash! My name is Shadi. I am here to warn you gypsies that if you disobey your crazy papa and reject your duty as tombkeepers, something really bad will happen.

ISHIZU: But we already did that! What good is warning us going to do now?

SHADI: I am a ghost!

ISHIZU: Yes, but that still doesn't explain—

SHADI: High five!

MARIK: I don't need to pee-tinkle anymore.

ISHIZU: (voice-over) We soon returned home, but something told me that Marik wasn't going to forget his experiences on the surface in a long time.

MARIK: I am not going to forget my experiences on the surface in a long time.

ISHIZU: Oh, quit your crying and get back inside this dungeon of misery and despair already.

MARIK: Okay, but there's something I must do before I leave. (thinking) One day, I will ride a motorcycle! And it will be so friggin' sexy! All around the world, fangirls will be left convulsing in throes of ecstasy as I ride suggestively towards the horizon. And then maybe I'll play a card game while riding my motorcycle— no wait that's just ridiculous.

ISHIZU: Marik, what are you doing?

MARIK: I'm riding an imaginary motorcycle! What the [EFF!] does it look like?

ISHIZU: Remember, we must be very quiet so that we don't disturb our father.

MARIK: (shouting) Hey, Ishizu, look at that thing over there, I wonder what it is? Loudly do I wonder about it!

ISHIZU: (thinking) It's some kind of alarm! I must not have seen it in the dark! Even though I've spent my entire life in the dark and would therefore have no trouble seeing in it! (out loud) Come on, Marik! And be very quiet!

MARIK: (still shouting) Sounds like a plan, Ishizu!

ISHIZU: (thinking) I only hope Odion was able to convince our father that— (looks into bedroom) (out loud) Wait a minute, a fluffed pillow? How is that supposed to trick anybody?

MARIK: A fluffed pillow? That's ingenious!

HANK ISHTAR: Oh, hey, son! How's it going? I was just busy whipping the only true friend you ever had! So, how was your day?

MARIK: (babbling, screaming as Melvin pushes on his forehead and eerie music begins to play)

HANK ISHTAR: I cannot believe you would both disobey me! Me, Hank Ishtar, the finest human being in the world. I'm going to fix this like I fix every other problem in my life: by whipping everybody within a five-hundred-yard radius! Starting with-a you, binky-boy!

MELVIN: (activates and grabs the whip) Hahahahahaha!

HANK ISHTAR: Okay... Wasn't expecting that.

ISHIZU: Marik?

MELVIN: Not Marik. Melvin! Before Odion became his friend, Marik was forced to create an imaginary one out of sheer loneliness. A friend that would give him all the hugs he ever needed! A friend known as... Melvin! And now that Odion is gone, I am free! Free to claim my prize: the Millennium Rod! Behold its true power!

HANK ISHTAR: No! The yellow squiggly lines! They burn!

MELVIN: And now, Dr. Scuzzbucket, you're going to experience first-hand what one of my famous hugs feels like. Open wide, binky-boy! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

HANK ISHTAR: (as Melvin stabs him with the rod, he sings, again to Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle")
And then he stabbed me in the torso and the cat's in the cat place and oh god, that's sharp!
Please stop stabbing me, I'm going to die!
When you gonna stop, son? Oh god, that hurts!
I think you pierced my lungs there.
Yes, that was definitely my lungs.

MELVIN: (evil laughter) The man did not know what he was [bleep]ing with. And now, Odion, it's time for you to join the great card game tournament in the sky. Say hi to the Gummi Bears from me!

ODION: Did somebody say... "Gummi Bears"?

MELVIN: No, he woke up! For some reason, this ruins everything!

MARIK: (screaming in pain)

ODION: Are you all right, Master Marik?

MARIK: I just killed my own father in cold blood. I might need a moment to get over it. (pause, then quickly) Okay, I'm over it.

SHADI: I am here to warn you that your father is going to try to—

MARIK: It already happened!

(End flashback)

ISHIZU And so it was that Marik dedicated his life to destroying the Pharaoh and all of his friends.

YUGI: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! How the hell is any of this the Pharaoh's fault? If anything, he should be blaming you, Ishizu! AKA the worst sibling ever.

JOEY: Yeah. I mean, you did kinda mess him up pretty bad.

ISHIZU: Yes, but it was his role as tombkeeper that led Marik to such a life of misery—

YUGI: Okay, so let me get this straight: because he was abused and tortured by his own family, Marik swore vengeance against a guy who had been dead for thousands of years. A guy he'd probably never meet, due to the fact that he was, you know, kinda dead and stuff.

ISHIZU: Well, it made perfect sense in the Japanese version.

YUGI: How? How the hell does that even begin to make one iota of sense?!

ISHIZU: ... Because shut up.

(chorus of Nyehs to Chris Mansell's "Requiem for a Dream", blimp shot; Téa delivers Bakura's Millennium Ring to him)

MARIK: (inside ring) Hey Bakura, guess who!

YAMI BAKURA: (thinking) Oh, bugger!

MELVIN: Merry Christmas, Odion, it's time to die. What?! A fluffed pillow? Impossible! Who is responsible for this?

YAMI BAKURA: That would be me.

(Nyehs and music stops)

MELVIN: Well, look what the cat dragged in and pissed all over. I thought they wrote you out of the show, Florence. You think you could just barge in here and defeat me all by yourself?

YAMI BAKURA: Heh heh heh... Not quite.

MARIK: (shows up as a spirit) Hey! That's my bread and butter you're [EFF!]ing with!

MELVIN: I always knew you wanted me to be inside you, Bakura.

MARIK: What do you suppose he means by that?

YAMI BAKURA: I couldn't hazard a guess.

MELVIN: Trust me, Florence. You really don't want to get involved.

YAMI BAKURA: Oh, but I think I do. You see, I know who you really work for. Does the name 4Kids ring a bell?

MELVIN: How could you possibly know—

YAMI BAKURA: Let's just say I put two and two together. After all, you are the single most evil entity on the show, which means you're the one trying to get us cancelled.

MELVIN: Hehehehahaha! And you think you can stop me? (draws a red lightsaber) Just you [bleep]ing try!

YAMI BAKURA: Three words, Melvin: (draws another red lightsaber) Bring. It. On.

(chorus of Nyehs to "Requiem for a Dream")

MELVIN: Very well. If it's a duel you want, it's a duel you'll get!

YAMI BAKURA: Right you are. And the winner decides if the show gets cancelled or not.

MELVIN: Then face me, Florence, and watch the fourth wall collapse around you! (evil cackling)

(end, "Donasdogama Micma" plays)

CAPTION:
[tune in next time for
our final episode...?]

(stinger)

MARIK: I'm in a glass case of emotion!

(Post-ending)

ANNOUNCER: (over Melvin repeating "Kill your family") Next time on the Kill Your Family show: a very special episode! (echoing) In 3D!!!

GIANT ONSCREEN TEXT: 3D!!!

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