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← "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Virtual World" #57: "Reservoir Steves" "Desperately Dueling Susan" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi Muto, Yami Yugi, Téa Gardner, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Ishizu Ishtar, Melvin, Joey Wheeler, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Odion Ishtar, Steves (voiced by SuperPsyguy, HeyItsThatSean and Kirbopher), Marik Ishtar, Gruber, Jaden Yuki (voiced by Shadyvox), Yusei Fudo (unvoiced), Yuma Tsukumo (unvoiced)

Running Time: 9:37

TranscriptEdit

(Standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: I don't always make abridged series, but when I do, I get banned from YouTube!

(In Yugi's room on the blimp)

YUGI: Finally, the tedious filler arc is over! Now we can get back to what makes this show so awesome: tedious card games!

YAMI: (as a ghost beside Yugi) Yugi, could I use your body for a moment? I have to go number 1!

YUGI: Come on, Pharaoh! Last time I gave you permission to use my body, you gave yourself a wedgie and then immediately switched back.

YAMI: This time, I am serious.

YUGI: Oh, really?

YAMI: Is this not the face of a man who seriously needs to go number 2?

YUGI: You just said it was number 1!

YAMI: Now it's number 3.

YUGI: What the hell is a number 3?

YAMI: I don't know, but I have to do one.

YUGI: It isn't even a thing!

YAMI: Give me your body!

TÉA (with Tristan and Duke): Look guys, Yugi's arguing with his imaginary boyfriend again!

TRISTAN: I have one of those too! I call him Duke!

DUKE: (glances at Tristan; SexyBack is not playing in the background) What?

(Title sequence)

(Cut to Ishizu sitting alone in her room)

ISHIZU: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "C".

MELVIN: (enters the room) Let me guess: is it "corpse"?

ISHIZU: It was "cloud", actually.

MELVIN: Oh, darn. Close, but no cigar.

ISHIZU: There aren't even any corpses in here.

MELVIN: Give it time.

ISHIZU: What do you want, Melvin?

MELVIN: I want you to tell me the future.

ISHIZU: I'm afraid I gave my Millennium plot device to Yugi for safekeeping.

MELVIN: Pretty sneaky, sis. Well then, let me tell you the future instead. I'm about to walk out there and send all your little friends to the Shadow Realm. And then I'll come back in here and see that the same thing happens to you. (holds the Millennium Rod up to Ishizu's cheek) Then you'll have all the time in the world to play "I Spy". (chuckles evilly)

ISHIZU: Why, Melvin? Why are you doing this to us?

MELVIN: Because shut up. (leaves Ishizu's room)

(cut to KaibaCorp Island, where Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Téa and Duke are staring at the Duel Tower)

YUGI: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "phallic".

JOEY: Yeah, I think Kaiba might be compensating for something here.

TRISTAN: What's he cwompensating for, Joey?

JOEY: Oh, you know. I think he's cwoompensating for his low self-esteem.

TRISTAN: That doesn't seem very phallic!

JOEY: Just picture that tower in your head. And now picture it inside Kaiba's pants. And much smaller.

TRISTAN: (screams like a girl in horror)

KAIBA: I happen to have a bigger self-esteem than all five of you combined.

TÉA: I don't have a self-esteem!

KAIBA: That explains why you're hanging out with these losers. Now I spy with my little eye something beginning with "get the f*** into the Duel Tower"!

YAMI: It's Melvin! No doubt he's going to say the most fiendish and heartless thing you've ever heard!

MELVIN: What a lovely day!

YAMI: Take that back, you fiend!

KAIBA: In order to decide who will be facing who in the semifinals, I've arranged a one-of-a-kind four-way Duel.

JOEY: A four-way? I've never even been in a three-way before! How am I supposed to know what to do?

YAMI: Don't worry, Joey. Four-ways are simple. Just pretend you're in a two-way and focus on me. Your instincts will do the rest.

KAIBA: Okay, does everything have to be a sex joke with you guys?

YAMI: Yes.

JOEY: Yeah, Kaiba's just mad because he's only ever been in a one-way.

YAMI: Ha-ha, virgins!

KAIBA: Whenever one of us loses Life Points, we rise towards the top of the tower. And the first two people to reach the top will face each other in the finals.

YAMI: I don't know how you managed it Kaiba, but you've made this game even more unnecessarily dramatic and complex! Kudos!

KAIBA: Look, I know you're mocking me, but I just killed my own father, so I'm in way too good a mood to let it bother me.

MELVIN: I know that feel.

TRISTAN: Hey, Téa. Have you been feeling any different since you were possessed by that old guy?

TÉA: Don't worry, Tristan, there's nothing wrong with my penguins.

TRISTAN: What?

TÉA: I mean, there's nothing penguins with my brain.

TRISTAN: What?

TÉA: I mean, there's nothing penguins with my penguins.

TRISTAN: Oh, okay.

MELVIN: Good luck, everybody. Let's have a nice, fun card game.

YAMI: Take that back, you fiend!

KAIBA: Do any of you guys watch Sesame Street?

TRISTAN: I do!

MOKUBA: I do!

TRISTAN: I like it more than he does.

KAIBA: Then there's a little song I'd like to sing for you. (starts singing)
One of these things is not like the other.
(cut to four-way split screen of Yami, Joey, Kaiba and Melvin)
One of these things just doesn't belong.
Can you tell me which thing is not like the others?
Before I finish my—

YAMI: (cutting Kaiba off) It's Joey! Because he sucks at card games!

JOEY: Yug! What the hell?!

YAMI: I'm sorry, Joey. The song compelled me to answer.

KAIBA: Vorse Raider, attack his Life Points directly! I hope you like heights, Wheeler. Oh, what am I even saying? You were already extremely high when you thought you could win this tournament!

YAMI: I activate the Trap Card, Cockblock!

KAIBA: What?

YAMI: This card gives me the ability to cockblock you, Kaiba! It's the Cockblock card! That's what it does.

KAIBA: Yeah, I got that.

YAMI: Its special effect is cockblocking—

KAIBA: (interrupts) Stop explaining the card!

JOEY: Yug! You protected me!

YAMI: That's right, Joey! You're my friend and everyone knows that friendship is about activating Trap Cards to prevent other people from potentially losing a trading card game!

JOEY: Yaaaaay.

TÉA: That's not what friendship is about at all!

(cut to Ishizu visiting a comatose Odion)

ISHIZU: If I had only known our brother was going to grow up to be evil. You'd think him going totally mental and killing our father would have tipped me off, but no, apparently it didn't. (flashback) I remember when he first began stealing the Egyptian God cards with the help of his Rare Hunters.

(Steves are standing in front of a vault)

STEVE #1: Man, look at that vault! There must be something really valuable inside. What do you think it is?

STEVE #2: Maybe it's gold!

STEVE #3: Maybe it's diamonds!

(Marik comes in)

MARIK: Foolish Steves! What lies in there is way more valuable than gold or jewels! What waits for us inside that vault is... a children's trading card!

STEVE #1: What?

STEVE #2: Oh, sh*t.

STEVE #3: I didn't sign up for this! Game over, man!

MARIK: Silence! I command you to chill the frig out while I check to make sure the coast is clear! (glances to his right) Nobody on the right. (glances to his left) Aaaaand nobody on the left; okay, we're good.

ISHIZU: I cannot let you do this, Marik!

MARIK: Ishizu! You're an Egyptian God card? Since when?

ISHIZU: You must cease this foolishness, Marik! Come home with me and we'll pretend this never happened.

MARIK: How do I summon you?

ISHIZU: Marik, I am not a trading card! Now come home with me this instant!

MARIK: Is your special effect being a total bitch? Because that's what you're being!

ISHIZU: I'm not a God card!

MARIK: That's exactly what a God card would say. Steves! Seize her!

(soldiers come in, armed with guns)

ISHIZU: I'm sorry it had to come to this, Marik.

MARIK: An Egyptian standoff. The second most racist standoff of them all.

ISHIZU: I paid a lot of money for soldiers who use visible guns. So hand over the Rod and come quietly, Marik, or else.

MARIK: Hey, Steve.

SOLDIERS: Yes?

(Marik activates his Millennium Rod, making the soldiers fall unconscious)

SOLDIER: I feel asleep...

ISHIZU: What the—?

MARIK: And that was your first mistake, Ishizu! Everyone knows that the Steve ratio in the Egyptian militia is absurdly high. Especially in a country where Steve isn't even a very common name!

ISHIZU: Marik, why are you doing this?

MARIK: Why? I'll show you why! (removes his cloak to reveal the Egyptian tattoo inscribed on his back) I spent my whole life slaving away in the cave of friggin' wonders, and all I've got out of it was this incredibly sexy tattoo! It elevated me from a 9 out of 10, to a 9 and a half out of 10. But that's just not good enough! The only way for me to be a 10 out of 10 on the sexy scale is to become the most evil villain of all time!

ISHIZU: Marik, you're not evil! You're just an angry child. Evil people do things like stroke cats while sitting in revolving chairs, or blow up buildings and escape into the night while laughing maniacally.

MARIK: Yeah, about that...

(the back window explodes and Marik escapes, laughing maniacally)

ISHIZU: Marik, no! Come back! Odion?

ODION: (on a motorcycle) Hey, Ishizu. Sorry for almost killing you back there. Master Marik promised me Gummi Bears.

MARIK: I command you to eat my dust, Ishizu! Odion, take us to the nearest Walmart! I require a revolving chair and a kitten.

ODION: Yes, Master Marik.

(Odion and Marik drive off, with the Steves running behind)

STEVE #2: Master Marik, can we ride with you?

MARIK: No! Get your own friggin' motorcycles! Meet you guys at Walmart!

ISHIZU: How am I related to him?

(end flashback; cut back to Duel)

YAMI: Kaiba, listen to me! You must disqualify Melvin at once!

KAIBA: And... why is that?

YAMI: Because he's pure dag nasty evil! He put Mai into a coma!

KAIBA: Last I checked, you did the same thing to Bakura.

YAMI: Yes, but that's different!

KAIBA: How, exactly?

YAMI: He had it coming.

MELVIN: I'm going to slaughter every single one of you.

JOEY: Yug, aren't you going to tell him to take that back?

YAMI: Actually, I had no problem with that one.

JOEY: Gearfried! Attack Kaiba directly!

KAIBA: (after getting up from the attack) Ugh, I'm gonna pretend this never happened, alongside most of GX, some of 5D's and all of ZEXAL.

(Kaiba is lifted up to the tower)

JOEY: Hey, Kaiba, what's the weather like up there?

(Kaiba spits into Joey's face)

KAIBA: It's raining.

GRUBER: Ze semifinal matchups have been decided! First Joey Wheeler shall Duel Melvin!

MELVIN: Hello, Susan. I look forward to murdering you in the near future.

JOEY: My name ain't Susan, man. It's Joey.

MELVIN: I think I know a Susan when I see one.

JOEY: I'm telling you man, I'm not Susan!

MELVIN: You will be, when I'm done with you.

JOEY: What does that even mean?

YAMI: Don't be difficult, Susan!

GRUBER: Und Heil Kaiba shall be dueling Yugi Muto!

KAIBA: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "L"!

YAMI: Is it "loveable fellow"?

KAIBA: It's "loser".

YAMI: That's not right, Kaiba! You can't even see Joey from this angle!

MOKUBA: Better fasten your seat belts guys, 'cause we're headed for the top!

YAMI: Okay, which button is the seat belt? (is sent rocketing towards the top of the tower) Aaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Oh, God! I think I just found out what going number 3 means!

(Ending: "Stuck in the Middle with You" plays.)

CAPTION: [i spy with my little eye something beginning with card games]

(Stinger: cut to Téa looking toward a burning building)

TÉA: I woke up to go get me a cold pop. Then I thought somebody was barbecuing. I said, "Oh Lord Jesus it's a fire!" And then the smoke got in and I got bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that!

(post-ending: cut to Yami, Jaden, Yusei and Yuma in a four-way split screen, with Kaiba singing to the same Sesame Street song as before)

KAIBA: (singing)
One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things just doesn't belong.
Can you tell me which thing is not like the others?
Before I finish my song?

YAMI: It's Jaden! Because he sucks at everything!

JADEN: Aw, come on!

YAMI: Sorry, Jaden. I calls it like I sees it!

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