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← "Throw Haga From The Train" #74: "Right In The Feels" "Valley of the Duels" →

Cast (in order of appearance): narrator, Yami Yugi, Téa Gardner, Skye, Kriss (voiced by Lady_Nanaki), Ironheart, Rafael, Paradox Brothers, Steve the Martian, Steve Arkana, Melvin, Weevil Underwood, Yugi Muto, Celtic Guardian

Running time: 10:17

TranscriptEdit

(a graphic similar to that seen in Game of Thrones appears)

CAPTION:
Previously On
Card Games

NARRATOR: Previously, on Yu-Gi-Oh!...

(cut to the previous episode, when the train falls off the tracks with Yami and Téa on board)

TÉA: We're falling!

YAMI: There's absolutely no plausible way we can survive this!

(the Game of Thrones-style graphic reappears)

CAPTION:
Now On
Card Games

NARRATOR: This time, on Yu-Gi-Oh!...

(cut to train wreckage, where Yami and Téa have apparently survived)

YAMI: Holy crap, we survived!

(opening sequence)

(Yami wakes up in a shelter)

YAMI: By the many abdominal muscles of Obelisk! I dreamed that instead of holograms, all card games were played using virtual reality technology! And they called it..."VRAINS". I don't even think that's a word; such a silly dream.

(Téa wakes up)

TÉA: And I dreamed that the show actually explained how we survived that train crash.

YAMI: How did it go down in your dream?

TÉA: Well, you see, what happened was, at the last second-- (a wolf attacks her)

YAMI: Egyptian Jesus!

(Kriss enters the shelter)

KRISS: Skye, down girl!

YAMI: Who are you, and why are we suddenly in the Alpha and Omega franchise?

KRISS: My name's Kriss, and this here is Skye. She was the one who found you and we can be all best friends. Yay!

YAMI: Téa, are you certain we didn't die and wake up in one of your fan fictions?

TÉA: Huh, that does check out. We did start out in bed together and- (Skye attacks Téa again)

YAMI: Regular Jesus! (Yami and co. approach Ironheart near a river bank) Oh good, another mysterious side character. That's just what this season needed. More of that.

IRONHEART: Welcome, Pharaoh. My name is Ironheart.

YAMI: Your parents must have been huge fans of Care Bear Cousins. Everybody remember them? Nope? Just me then.

IRONHEART: (hands Yami's Deck to Yami) I believe I found something that belongs to you.

YAMI: My cards! What are the odds that they would have scattered from the train and landed flawlessly in a neat little pile without any sign of damage?

IRONHEART: Turns out pretty darn unlikely. I couldn't help notice you having one of the Legendary Dragon cards, The Eye of Timaeus. The only one of its kind.

YAMI: It's true. But you should keep it. I am not deserving of its power. You, a random old guy I just met, totally deserving of it. Oh God, I miss Yugi so much! I feel like I've lost a part of myself.

IRONHEART: If the loss of another has caused you pain, I may be able to help you. There is a valley nearby that allows you to commune with the souls of others. It would be just like talking to your old friend, except you won't be actually doing it unless there's a good chance of you being torn apart by evil spirits.

YAMI: Well, that sounds like the exact opposite of what I need right now. Let's do it!

TÉA: By the way, wasn't there another kid who fell off the train? He's short, bluish-green hair, doesn't have a soul...

IRONHEART: Doesn't have a soul?

YAMI: Yeah, I took it from him.

IRONHEART: Why would you do that?

YAMI: He was asking for it.

IRONHEART: Maybe we should go looking for him before we leave on our adventure.

YAMI: Or we can wait five seconds to see if we can forget about it. (beat) Well, we certainly tied up that loose end.

IRONHEART: Okey-dokey, off we go.

KRISS: We're going to disturb the spirits of the dead! Yay!

(the group leaves the river bank; cut to them traveling on a cliff face)

YAMI: So, this valley of lost spirits...it's just a short ways out San Francisco?

IRONHEART: Yes. It is inhabited by ancient spirits from a time long past who wander blindly, with nothing to do but walk the same paths over and over, and imagine themselves as they once were in life. Getting out may require you to gamble everything you have.

YAMI: Are you certain we're not just going to Vegas?

(the group arrives at the valley)

IRONHEART: Here it is, the valley of lost spirits.

YAMI: What will I find down there?

IRONHEART: Only what you take with you. And also, a bunch of really scary ghosts. They're gonna scare the shit out of you, man.

(cut to Rafael sliding down the cliffside near the train wreck)

RAFAEL: Witcher 3! (lands) Dartz told me to retrieve the Pharaoh's soul, so I better find him quick. (cut to train's interior, which is flooded) Hey Pharaoh, are you in there, or not? (beat; cut back to Rafael) Well, looks like I was too late. I guess that means I'm the new King of Games.

YAMI: (off-screen, as an echo) No it doesn't.

RAFAEL: Aha! Found you.

(cut to Yami at the valley; the ghosts of the Paradox Brothers appear behind him, then vanish)

YAMI: (thinking) These spirits are testing me. They're forcing me to confront all of my strongest opponents. And also Arkana is here.

(Yami travels through the valley as various spirits appear and disappear around him)

BANDIT KEITH: Booooh...in America!

STEVE THE MARTIAN: Boo, man!

ARKANA: Dark energy discs!

MELVIN: Hug!

WEEVIL: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Well, Yugi, now it's time to faced the guilt you felt after taking my soul and sentencing me to an eternity of--

(Yami walks past Weevil, causing him to vanish)

YAMI: Nah.

(cut to Téa, Kriss, and Ironheart standing on a cliff, above where Yami is walking)

KRISS: Behold, the denizens of the afterlife are transgressing into the mortal realm! Your friend's spirit is arriving to pass dark judgment upon the Pharaoh!

(Yugi's spirit appears in front of Yami)

YUGI: Zzz...no Grandpa, you can't sleep at the foot of the bed tonight.

YAMI: Yugi...is it really you? I'm so excited I could just throw my arm at you at a totally unnatural fashion! (reaches out to touch Yugi, but phases through his body) How very unexpected!

YUGI: That's right, Pharaoh. I'm a spooky ghost now. I'm like Danny Phantom, only without the whole being alive part.

YAMI: I do not know this "Daniel Phantom" of which you speak, but Yugi, you must listen! I came here to apologize. I wasn't thinking when I activated The Seal of Orichalcos. It was short-sighted of me. I used to be the King of Games, but now standing here before you, all I am is the King of Shames.

YUGI: You know what? Rafael was right about you. You are evil.

YAMI: What?

YUGI: Think about it, Pharaoh. All this time, we thought you were the big hero, that you were going to save the world and make everything okay. (leaves Yami's side) Then you crossed a line that should never be crossed.

YAMI: I apologized for using The Seal of Orichalcos.

YUGI: Not that. You tried to sacrifice Dark Magician Girl. And nobody, (a Duel Disk appears on Yugi's arm and Yugi activates it) and I mean nobody, treats my trading card waifu like that.

YAMI: Where did you get that Duel Disk?

YUGI: I summoned it from the spirit realm.

YAMI: Does this mean Duel Disks have souls as well? What, is Kaiba sacrificing virgins to make these things?

YUGI: Seems like the only person with a history of sacrificing people is you, Pharaoh.

YAMI: So...you're a virgin.

YUGI: Is that what you seriously got from that?

(cut to Téa, Ironheart, and Kriss watching Yami and Yugi from the cliff)

IRONHEART: This is a moment that will echo throughout history. The fate of the world rests on the Pharaoh overcoming his guilt, and learning to embrace all that he has done.

TÉA: God, I hope they make out.

YAMI: Téa...

TÉA: Sorry; I mean, I hope they make up...by shoving their tongues down each other's throats.

(cut back to Yugi)

YUGI: Hey, Pharaoh. Know what time it is?

YAMI: Well, I don't have a watch on me, but judging by the position of the sun in the sky, I'd say it's around 2 in the--

YUGI: It's time to Duel!

YAMI: Aw, come on; how did I not get that?

(Duel starts)

YUGI: I Set this monster face-down and end my turn!

YAMI: Gazelle, King of Mythical Beasts! Attack his face-down monster! (Gazelle attacks Yugi's face-down monster, which turns out to be another copy of Gazelle, and destroys it) Wait, your card was also a Gazelle?

YUGI: That's right. Our hands are identical because we are identical! (Yugi's hand contains Sangan, Dark Magician Girl, Polymerization, Alpha The Magnet Warrior, and Monster Reborn)

YAMI: Do you know what this means, Yugi?

YUGI: It means you can't beat me. Because for once, you're playing against an opponent that you can't outsmart!

YAMI: No, it means we forgot to shuffle. Aren't you supposed to shuffle before you Duel someone? We forgot to do that bit.

YUGI: Uh...

YAMI: You want to start over?

YUGI: No need. Not if I play Card Destruction! Now I can throw my cards away and draw a new one altogether, kind of like how you discarded me, huh, Pharaoh?

YAMI: All I did was activate a card that required me to give away your soul and then--oh okay, yeah, seeing it now; pretty much bang-on, yeah.

YUGI: Look at you. Always playing the hero. You weren't just playing with cards this time, Pharaoh. You were playing with people's souls. People's lives. So what kind of a hero does that make you, huh? How do you justify what you did back there in that Duel?

YAMI: Well I'm sure the fandom has several theories as to why what I did was perfectly okay.

YUGI: Really? Well, here's a theory I came up with. I call it, "what happens when Yugi Muto activates The Seal of Orichalcos?" (activates the card)

YAMI: Well, the title seem a little on the nose, but...wait, no! Yugi! You mustn't do this!

KRISS: Yugi activated The Seal of Orichalcos! If the Pharaoh loses, his soul will remain trapped with Yugi's soul for eternity!

TÉA: God, I hope their souls make out.

(the Seal appears on Yugi's forehead)

YUGI: Now I'm the main character, motherf*cker!

YAMI: Yugi, no! This isn't like you!

YUGI: What can I say, Pharaoh? I guess after all these years of being inside my body, you finally rubbed off on me.

(cut to a blushing Téa)

TÉA: Teeheeheehee.

(cut back to Duel)

YUGI: I Summon the even Darker Magician Girl and the Brainwashed Celtic Guardian!

CELTIC GUARDIAN: I'm so whatever he just said!

YUGI: Just one more attack and your soul becomes a prisoner of the Orichalcos! Just. Like. Mine.

YAMI: Alright, I admit it. I'm the worst. I've done terrible things in the past. I cheated at card games. I've allowed my partner to lose his soul to the Orichalcos. I've even cameoed in Naruto: The Abridged Series. And I even feel terrible for all of it. But do you really think all of that just goes away if you just destroy me right now? All I can do from this point on is try harder. To be a better person. But if you take my soul away, then nobody wins. Please, Yugi! Give me a chance to fix this! Let me...save both of us.

YUGI: Oh, hey. I guess there was one card you had that I didn't know about. Humility. Shame that you played it about two Duels too late. Now, attack, Dark Magician Girl!

(Yugi Tributes Dark Magician Girl for the effect of Catapult Turtle)

YAMI: This is it, Pharaoh. If I lose this, I lose everything. Yugi, my soul...but if there's one thing I refuse to lose, it's my dignity. (he screams and activates a face-down card, redirecting the attack with a tornado accompanied by a bounce sound effect from Sonic the Hedgehog)

YUGI: You did it, Pharaoh! Divine Wind! That Trap Card turns that attack back on me and doubles its power! You figured out how to beat The Seal of Orichalcos! This is super-special--agh! (the attack connects, defeating Yugi)

(Yami runs to Yugi)

YAMI: Yugi! Don't go into the light, Yugi! (cradles Yugi in his arms) It's probably just Swords of Revealing Light and it will make you unable to attack for three turns!

YUGI: Pharaoh...I'm proud of you. By winning this children's card game, you've overcome the darkness within your heart. Truly, winning this Duel has made up for any and all bad stuff you might have done, including sacrificing my soul because you really, really wanted to beat a guy that you just met.

YAMI: Yugi...don't go...

YUGI: It'll be alright, Pharaoh. And hey, at least we won't be definitely having a Duel and be separated again next season. That would just make this whole character arc completely superfluous, wouldn't it? (vanishes)

YAMI: (after sobbing for several moments) What the f*ck even is this season?!

(ending; theme song of Shaman King plays)

CAPTIONS:
[so we're just never gonna
talk about the fact that
there's a portal to the
afterlife in California? no?
okay then.]

SPECIAL THANKS TO
Laura Wuestner
Charles Dooley
obeymyshinyrod
Alice Smith
Lacrymosai
Danilo Suarez
Chandra
Wandergirl108
Alisa Fritz
grimmydark
Mura Casardis
Benjamin Harding
Joe

Patreon
patreon.com/littlekuriboh

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