|← "YGO Kiwami"||#80: "Roof Raph"|
Running Time: 16:32
(standard flying cards opening)
HAIR GUY: (narrating) Attention, Duelists! My hair is showing you what previously happened on Yu-Gi-Oh!.
(cut to the end of the previous episode)
(cut to Kaiba and his Blue Eyes White Dragon)
KAIBA: YES! Take them all down, my Blue-Eyes! (Blue Eyes disintegrates a row of Orichalcos soldiers with White Lightning) Oh man, first I get a free car, and now I can summon a real Blue-Eyes to fight on my behalf even when I'm not playing a card game. The only way this day could get any better is if Joey Wheeler somehow lost his soul.
MOKUBA: Hey bro, there's still a few Orichalcos soldiers left.
KAIBA: Well, you know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, then you're probably not Seto f*cking Kaiba! (Blue-Eyes attacks more Orichalcos soldiers)
(cut back to standard flying cards)
HAIR GUY: Attention, Duelists. My hair is inviting you to watch what happened this time on Yu-Gi-Oh!
(cut to Joey, who is unconscious on the ground)
YAMI: I can't believe we lost Joey. One of the finest men I've ever met. I shall never forget the time when he said "Nyeh."
TÉA: Pharaoh, he said that like a million times.
YAMI: And that is why I won't forget it.
TÉA: (looks at an unconscious Valon, then turns back to Yami) We can't hang around. Dartz's henchmen could show up here any moment.
TRISTAN: I'm not leaving my best friend in some back alley. We're taking him with us.
TEA: Tristan, how are we going to-?
TRISTAN: (interrupts) We'll carry him. Together. We'll prove that the bonds of friendship are strong enough to shoulder any burden. Even literal ones.
YAMI: You guys pick him up. I'm gonna go stretch my legs real quick, then I'll help out.
(Tristan and Téa both lift Joey up alongside the fence)
TRISTAN: OK Téa, you grab that side and I'll just get this part of--
TÉA: (overlapping Tristan) OK yeah, I got it. Now just a--
(they both stop speaking as they see Yami running away from them)
TÉA: Did he just friggin' ditch us?!
TRISTAN: Téa! The Pharaoh would never abandon us like that.
YAMI: (running) Suckers! Consider yourselves ditched. Like I'd ever be seen carrying another person. Not in a million years!
(cut to Dartz's headquarters)
YAMI: (thinking) It's a good thing Dartz's headquarters are just a short sprint away from wherever Joey was. (Yami stops at an elevator entrance) And from the look of things, someone's already on their way down to challenge me. But I'm ready. (elevator bell dings and its doors open) And nothing is going to stop me from getting to Dartz.
(Mai Valentine's figure appears in the elevator)
YAMI: (speaking) Mai! I saw what you did to Joey. It's time to- (Mai, unconscious, falls into Yami's arms) Wait, hold on. I'm very flattered Mai. But I never make love before a card game. Or after. The ideal time for love making is during one.
(cut to Yami getting on the elevator)
YAMI: (thinking) I wonder which floor I'm being taken to. (elevator door closes behind Yami, he then takes out his cards) Well if any other anime in existence has taught me anything, most of the drama tends to happen on... (elevator floor display flashes "R") ...the roof.
(elevator doors open to reveal Rafael)
RAFAEL: Nice of you to join me, Pharaoh.
YAMI: Rafael! I was half-expecting to find Dartz waiting for me up here.
RAFAEL: Master Dartz would never stoop to such a level.
YAMI: Yeah, I guess it is asking a lot to have some sort of direct interaction with this season's antagonist before I Duel him.
RAFAEL: You probably met your old friend Mai on the way up. Of course you may have struggled to recognize her without her soul.
YAMI: You solo stole the soul of one of the sole remaining members of your whole soul-stealing society?
RAFAEL: Mai was weak. Without her soul, she serves our cause better than she ever did as a member of our ranks.
RAFAEL: You claim to have a high opinion of your friend. And yet you couldn't even be bothered to carry her up with you. What's wrong, can't spare a shoulder to lean on?
YAMI: My shoulders are for two things only: rolling them seductively at my opponents to confuse them during card games and glancing backwards over them at my friends in a dramatic fashion. NOT for carrying people. I wouldn't be seen dead carrying anybody.
RAFAEL: Fitting, then. (he arms his Chaos Duel Disk) As once I'm done Dueling you, you won't be seen doing it alive either.
YAMI: Technically, I've not been alive for several thousand years.
YAMI: Oh yes, Duel.
(cut to Têa and Tristan searching for Yami)
TÉA: When we catch up to the Pharaoh, I'm gonna give him a piece of my ass!
TRISTAN: Don't you mean "mind?"
TÉA: I know what I said, Tristan!
(cut to sports car screeching to a halt)
MOKUBA: (off-screen) Seto, stop the car! It's Téa and Tristan!
(the car stops a few feet behind Tea and Tristan)
KAIBA: (deadpan) Fiiiiine...
TÉA: Mokuba! What are you guys doing here?
CAPTION: [actual 4kids "dialogue"]
KAIBA: Just my luck. Dork Fest continues.
TRISTAN: Actually, Dork Fest is in October.
MOKUBA: Oh, no! Look! (cut to an army of red eyes approaching the gang) Dartz has hilariously possessed an army of rats in an effort to subdue us!
TRISTAN: Holy sh*t on a sh*t sandwich, except hold the sh*t! (Joey slumps away from Tristan's shoulder; Kaiba catches him with one hand)
KAIBA: Careful; you almost dropped Joey. We gotta get to safety. Also, don't tell anybody about how I just touched Joey, okay? (he and the others run to a fire escape and climb up on it while the rats run past them) This fire escape would be a good place to not talk about touching Joey.
TÉA: We have to find the Pharaoh before those rats do!
MOKUBA: Good idea, Téa!
KAIBA: Look, can everyone just stop talking about how I touched Joey? Get over it already! It was one time!
(cut back to Rafael's and Yami's Duel)
RAFAEL: Let's see if you learned anything about respecting your monsters from the last Duel, Pharaoh.
YAMI: Nobody respects them more than I do, Rafael! So get ready, because--hang on. (cut to Jack's Knight with King's Knight and Queen's Knight) Jack's Knight, what--what are you even doing? You're clearly a whole inch out of formation. I thought we went over this in practice. By the gods, you make me sick with your constant failure to listen. You're worthless to me, Jack of Knights! So anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. I sacrifice my sh*tty, stupid Jack's Knight to Summon the fabulous Kuriboh brothers! Behold, as they cavort about in their entertaining manner! (the Kuriboh brothers stack themselves into a tower, then roll as Kuriboo swallows Kuribah, Kuribeh, Kuribee, and Kuriboh, accompanied by Pac-Man sound effects)
RAFAEL: What am I even watching?
RAFAEL: Okay, now I think I understand why you don't respect your cards. Most of them are f*cking ridiculous.
(Kaiba, Mokuba, Tristan, Tea and unconscious Joey arrive at the place of the Duel)
KAIBA: Here we are at Dartz's upscale San Francisco condo, or whatever.
TÉA: Let's hope we're not too late to see Rafael inevitably activate the-
(brusque cut to Rafael)
RAFAEL: SEAL OF ORICHALCOS!
TRISTAN: Jeez Téa, way to jinx it!
YAMI: Oh I see, so when you use the Seal of Orichalcos everything's hunky-dory, but when I do it I'm just exposing my true nature as an inherently evil Egyptian Pharaoh. Taking people's souls is one thing, but I draw the line at double-standards.
RAFAEL: Unlike you pharaoh I don't intend to use the Seal of Orichalcos to sacrifice my monsters, I intend to keep all of my monsters outside the Graveyard for this entire Duel.
YAMI: Uh, the GY.
YAMI: It's called the GY now.
RAFAEL: Why did they do that?
RAFAEL: I didn't even know these things had text!
YAMI: Yes, soon they'll be abbreviating all the commonly used Dueling terms. Imagine how ridiculous that would be: now I S my KBs and send them to the GY in order to TS Kuribandit to my side of the F!
YAMI: And with that I'm fairly certain that we've exhausted every variation on that joke.
RAFAEL: No matter what you do, Pharaoh, I won't let you destroy my Guardian Eatos. Hell, you can't even destroy my front-line to get to her. And if you can't take out my monsters as well, your fate is all but sealed.
YAMI: Oh, I see what's going on! This whole Duel is a metaphor for your inability to accept that your family is dead!
YAMI: Yeah, see: you refuse to let any of your monsters go to the GY because you believe preserving the memory of your family as you knew them in life will make you stronger, when in actual fact you're denying yourself the chance to mourn and as a result you've rooted yourself in the past, never allowing yourself to move on from that tragic day when you were forced to replace your dead family with trading cards.
RAFAEL: You have no idea what you're talking about, Pharaoh!
YAMI: No! I actually really do! Accepting the mortality of those around you is an important step to becoming a more complete person. Just ask Kaiba! Why, just last season he literally murdered his own father in order to move on!
KAIBA: It's true! I highly recommend it! A+ experience (cut to the whole group), it even worked for Mokuba!
MOKUBA: I miss Noah!
KAIBA: Mokuba, you and your imaginary friends...
(cut back to Rafael)
RAFAEL: Look, you're reading waaay too much into this Duel. These cards are not my family!
RAFAEL: MOMMY, NO!! I mean, Guardian Eatos! No!
YAMI: Rafael, if it helps just think of this Duel as an elaborate and extremely painful therapy session. No charge.
RAFAEL: You want pain, Pharaoh? Well, here is a card that will provide plenty. Say hello to my Guardian Dreadscythe.
YAMI: By the knobbly knees of Ramses! What being of purest edge is this?
RAFAEL: You're right to be afraid, Pharaoh. My Dreadscythe is going to carve your monsters and your soul into tiny pieces! (Dreadscythe is equipped with Reaper Scythe - Dreadscythe)
YAMI: No! It's got a scythe. The deadliest farming implement known to man.
RAFAEL: For every monster that's in my graveyard-
YAMI: (interrupts) GY.
RAFAEL: (agitated) For every monster that's in my Graveyard, Dreadscythe gains ATK power. So now I'm going to sacrifice all my monsters in order to make Dreadscythe the most powerful monster on the field. (as Rafael speaks, his other monsters all disintegrate; Dreadscythe's ATK goes up from 3500 to 5500).
YAMI: Wait, hold on. his This whole Duel you've been adamant that you'll protect all your monsters. But I get rid of one of them and suddenly, you do a 180 and decide to kill all of them yourself?
RAFAEL: Yup. Plans change.
YAMI: Plans change? You spent all of our previous Duel telling me what an awful person I was because I was willing to sacrifice my monsters. How is this any different?!
RAFAEL: Look, not everything is so black and whi-
YAMI: (interrupts again) Because I didn't realize that Orichalcos was Latin for "Giant F*cking Hypocrite."
RAFAEL: (growls) Dreadscythe! Destroy his Dark Magician Girl!
YAMI: I activate Magical Pigeons!
RAFAEL: Ah, Magical Pigeons! (two pigeons fly out of a red cloud) No one's ever been able to activate him.
(cut to Kaiba watching the Duel)
KAIBA: (thinking) I can't believe Yugi risked using Magical Pigeons. I mean Exodia is one thing, but Magical Pigeons? Is he insaaaaaaaane?
(cut back to Yami)
YAMI: Magical Pigeons turns Dark Magician Girl into a pigeon. And then next turn, she changes back. But for now, she's a magical pigeon. And now I activate Underworld Circle!
(a rumbling is heard and a black cloud starts to rise in the form of a dome over the field)
YAMI: Wait, what's going on here? Is this more of your nonsense Rafael?
(cut to Kaiba and the rest of the gang as they watch the cloud dome form)
TEA: Oh no! The Pharaoh and Rafael are stuck in there!
TRISTAN: I hope this duel wraps up soon. I gotta get to Dork Fest's opening ceremonies.
(cut to inside the clouded dome)
RAFAEL: We appear to be in some kind of graveyard.
RAFAEL: Look, no matter how many times you correct me, I am not saying that.
(a sinister laugh is heard behind the duo)
RAFAEL: (continues) I think I know where we are. (thunder is heard and it starts to rain) This is a memory from my past. This is the first time I met Dartz.
(cut to memory)
DARTZ: Now you wisten to me, baby Wafael. I am forming my vewy own Owichalcamalos army made up of bikahs and wats. Those last woods, they don't weally matter. And I see gweat potential in you, potential for demoing.
PAST RAFAEL: Zug zug?
PRESENT RAFAEL: Oh right, this is before I relearned to talk.
DARTZ: But it seams that your thoughts still winger on your famiwy. Don't waste about your potential. You gotta forget about them, mayn!
PAST RAFAEL: Zugzug?
DARTZ: If they weally woved you, then they wouldn't be dead, ya know what I mean? So let those bygones be bygones, agwee to disagwee (#selfcare) and join the family of the Owichalcamalos.
(cut back to Yami and present Rafael)
YAMI: You see Rafael? Dartz preyed on you when you were young and vulnerable so that he could more easily brainwash you into doing his bidding.
PRESENT RAFAEL: I don't know what you're talking about. Master Dartz is a wise man who has treated me with nothing but respect.
(cut back to memory)
DARTZ: Now Wafael, go dig a hole in the gwound with your bare hands, like the dawg you are. (past Rafael starts to dig) Yeeeah, get in there. Scoop it good.
(cut back to Yami and present Rafael)
YAMI: (sarcastically) That's some kind of respect.
(the memory now shows a time-lapse of Rafael gradually digging a wider, deeper hole)
PRESENT RAFAEL: Master Dartz made me dig for hours. Endlessly digging. Until I finally unearthed my very own Orichalcos style Duel Disk.
DARTZ: Now we gonna have a hilarious relationship. That we are, man.
YAMI: (offscreen) Wait, how long ago did all this happen?
PRESENT RAFAEL: I dunno, 3 or 4 years?
YAMI: But Kaiba didn't invent the Duel Disk as we know it until Season 2 of this show! How is there just a bunch of random duel disks buried in this random graveyard?
RAFAEL: Random ass GY.
YAMI: Don't you start-
(end of memory; off-screen, the clouded dome dissipates)
TÉA: Look guys, they're back!
YAMI: Yes, it appears we have returned from the backstory dimension or whatever that was. (Yami pulls a card out of his Duel Disk) Just in time for me activate Monster Reborn and bring back your Guardian Eatos on my side of the field.
RAFAEL: Mommy, no! I thought I was your favorite. (ATK displays 2500) I mean, that sure is a training card you summoned. I clearly have no personal attachment to it.
YAMI: I combine Joey's Hermos with my Queen's Knight to form Goddess Bow! This gives Eatos enough ATK power to combat your Dreadscythe! (her ATK doubles from 2500 to 5000) And every time she attacks, you are forced to lose card after card in order to protect yourself.
(as Yami is talking, all 5 of Rafael's remaining cards disappear as he watches in shock)
YAMI: Say farewell to your Guardian Eatos as she carries all of your eternal pain into the heavens with her (Eatos slowly retreats into the sky) This heavy-hearted metaphor was brought to you by Da, a subsidiary of Doy, Inc.
(Rafael groans and collapses to the ground)
YAMI: Rafael, now do you understand? Dartz tricked you. He made you think you could heal your broken heart by killing every living thing on the planet. When it turns out the solution was not doing that thing.
RAFAEL: You're right Pharaoh. And now all that remains is for me to activate Soul Charge to Summon all my monsters back from the Graveyard...
YAMI: The GY.
RAFAEL: ...depleting me of all my remaining Life Points in the process. (his LP falls from 1200 to 0)
(The Seal of Orichalcos symbol shrinks to encompass where Rafael is laying on the ground)
YAMI: Rafael! NO! What are you doing?!
RAFAEL: I know. The Seal of Orichalcos will take my soul. But I'm ready now.
YAMI: No, not that. I'm upset because you didn't let me make the finishing move. That's total BS man. And after I lost to you before and everything.
(cut to sky, Eatos descends to the ground as a heavenly chorus is played in the background)
RAFAEL: Mom! I mean, Mom...ster card.
YAMI: OK, this is also total BS. When I came back from the dead, I didn't get a chorus of heavenly music and a light show.
RAFAEL: My monsters. They've all returned to me in my final moments. You know, I'm just glad that my family wasn't here to see me join a cult that tried to murder everybody.
RAFAEL'S SISTER: Rafael!
RAFAEL'S BROTHER: We saw everything.
RAFAEL: Oh dear.
RAFAEL'S SISTER: But don't worry. We won't judge you.
RAFAEL'S BROTHER: We'll leave that to God.
RAFAEL: Mother. Father. I don't have the words to tell you how grateful I am. So instead I'll just say... zugzug. (Rafael's Orichalcos stone disintegrates)
(it's now daybreak, the sun begins to rise over Dartz's HQ)
YAMI: Rafael! What in Osiris' name gives here? (Téa and Tristan run up behind Yami) Why aren't you screaming and convulsing in agony?
RAFAEL: My soul. I think I still have it.
TRISTAN: Maybe because Rafael was able to accept the flaws within himself, the Orichalcos spared him.
TÉA: Or maybe the real Seal or Orichalcos were the friends we made along the way.
(the ground begins to rumble, and Dartz's HQ begins to shake)
KAIBA: AH, DAMN IT! I knew that girl's friendship speeches were going to kill me one day!
(the building's roof begins to crack, and the building is sliced in half)
MOKUBA: This is why I hate coming to San Francisco.
(the earthquake destroys Dartz's radio satellite dish)
ROLAND: (over loud speakers) Mr. Kaiba! We're here to retrieve you.
KAIBA: Look, it's one of my many omnipresent helicopters.
(the helicopter from Binary Sunseto lands on the collapsing building)
MOKUBA: Everyone get on board before we get totally smashed.
(everyone runs towards the helicopter)
KAIBA: Roland, inform all the other passengers to stop talking about how I touched Joey.
TEA: Where's Pharaoh?
(Yami carries Rafael on his back up the steps)
YAMI: Better not tell anyone I did this for you, alright? Because if I hear even one word about-
(Rafael throws Yami upwards towards the top of the building)
YAMI; I can see my pyramid from here! By the Egyptian reference of some other Egyptian reference, Rafael, what are you doing?!
RAFAEL: Take this. (throws a card to Yami) That'll take you to Dartz. (as Yami examines the object, the ground below the helicopter begins to crack and collapse) Pharaoh, I'm sorry I misjudged you. But more than anything, I'm sorry for beating you in a children's card game.
YAMI: Well you know we really don't need to bring that up right now.
RAFAEL: (holding on to the edge of the cracked building with one hand) I mean, I really owned you. It wasn't even close.
YAMI: Rafael, can we please move on from-
RAFAEL: Just a very one-sided Duel really. I probably could've won with one hand tied behind-
(the ledge collapses and Rafael falls to the ground)
YAMI: (deadpan) Oh, no. Rafael. Come back.
(the helicopter flies by Yami with its door open)
TÉA: Pharaoh! We came back for you. Quick, jump on board!
TRISTAN: I'm just here for the food!
(Yami jumps into the helicopter and it flies away, just as the rest of the building collapses)
YAMI: (thinking) Rafael, I can't believe I lost my shoulder virginity to you.
TÉA: Look guys. Dartz's headquarters collapsed and there's something else on the inside.
(as the dust settles, a different building slowly become visible)
TRISTAN: It looks like the evil building was hiding another even more evil building inside itself.
YAMI: What a random and super unnecessary plot twist.
TRISTAN: Hey look! Something's moving down there.
(Rafael emerges from the dust carrying an uncnscious Mai in his arms)
RAFAEL: It's a good thing I'm so buff or that fall would've killed me.
[If only Joey had been more buff]
PATREON @ patreon.com/littlekuriboh
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Robert Roosingh, The Kauffman Family