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Running Time: 10:57
It’s a neighborly day in this beautiwood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Would. You. Be.
YUGI: (offscreen) You know what I love most about this show? (onscreen) It’s all about the characters and the storyline. And there are absolutely no cheap merchandising tactics involved. (holding up cards) Hey, anyone wanna play Duel Monsters? The greatest game of all time. You should really ask your parents to buy it for you.
JOEY: Nyeh, Yugi, who’re you talking to?
YUGI: Uh, I was talking to— (beat) Tristan. Yeah, that’s right, Tristan.
TRISTAN: My parents are dead!
JOEY: Nyeh, what the heck is Duel Monsters anyway?
YUGI: Oh! Duel Monsters is just super, Joey. I-it’s really special. In fact, you could say it’s super awesome, and special! If only there were some way I could combine those adjectives, it’d probably be hilarious. Plus, it’s the only card game officially endorsed by Satan. (Satan winks)
JOEY: How do you play?
YUGI: Nobody knows.
JOEY: Then how am I supposed to win?
YUGI: Silly Joey. Only losers actually play card games. The only way to win is not to play. You wanna play?
JOEY: I summon a—
YUGI: You lose.
JOEY: But the—
YUGI: Sorry, Joey. That’s how it works. You lose automatically unless you’re me.
TÉA: Joey has the armpits of a fool!
JOEY: (puts his hands behind his head, exposing his armpits) That’s what you think. Check out these bad boys.
TÉA: I’m still unimpressed.
TEACHER: Hello, class.
YUGI: Holy cow, a teacher! I’d almost forgotten what those look like!
TEACHER: I trust you all finished your homework assignments.
JOEY: (still with his hands behind his head) What is this “home-work” you speak of?
TEACHER: Please allow me to introduce our newest student.
YUGI: A new student, huh? Finally, I get to bully somebody for a change.
TEACHER: Class, this is Seto Kaiba.
YUGI: He’s dreamy.
JOEY: He better not say anything about my armpits.
KAIBA: It’s so wonderful to meet all of you. I just love meeting new people. My only hope is that we become bestest friends in the whole wide world.
YUGI: Look buddy, I don’t make friends with just anybody. Well, except Tristan, he’s a special case.
TRISTAN: (wearing a squid costume) I am an octopus.
YUGI: But trust me, you’re gonna have to work pretty darn hard to impress me enough to make me—
KAIBA: I love Duel Monsters.
YUGI: Yeah, that’s not gonna—
KAIBA: I’m also rich.
YUGI: You are my best friend in the whole world. I’d take a bullet for you.
KAIBA: (laughs) A bullet. You’re so silly. Ha. That’d be ridiculous.
YUGI: You said it, soul mate.
TRISTAN: (with an orange costume on his head) Now I am an orange!
(outside of school, Kaiba’s in his car)
KAIBA: Yugi, I’d like very much to schedule an appointment to hang out with you after school.
YUGI: I don’t know. I promised my grandpa I’d visit him at the game shop so—
KAIBA: I live in a mansion.
YUGI: I love you! Let’s hang out.
KAIBA: What about your grandpa?
YUGI: He died. Just now.
KAIBA: Oh. How wonderful!
YUGI: What about my friends? Can they come?
KAIBA: Of course! I love friendship. Friendship is wonderful.
YUGI: You’re kinda... creepy.
KAIBA: I know. Don’t be late, best pal.
TÉA: Looks like you made a new friend, Yugi.
YUGI: Yeah. He’s so rich. I mean, he has a rich personality. Because of all that money he’s got. Someday, it’ll all be mine.
TÉA: And you’ll share it with us, right Yugi?
YUGI: If by “share” you mean “stuff it down your underwear while you dance for my pleasure”, then yes. I will share the hell out of it.
TÉA: I am surprisingly okay with this.
MIHO: Miho loves to dance!
TÉA: Sounded like the wind.
(at Kaiba’s mansion; the doors open)
TRISTAN: I’m impressed.
KAIBA: Welcome, my new best friends. This is my humble home. I’m just joking, of course. It’s actually worth more than you’ll ever earn in your entire lives.
TÉA: I’m a waitress.
KAIBA: Especially you.
JOEY: Nyeh, this creepy Kaiba creep gives me the creeps. Something fishy’s goin’ on here. I can smell it.
TRISTAN: Are you sure that’s not your armpits?
JOEY: (grabs Tristan) You take that back, you son of a bitch! My armpits smell like a rose garden!
TÉA: (breaking them apart) Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. (beat) Guys. It’s my vagina.
KAIBA: (laughs) Yugi, your friends are simply wonderful. It’s a shame they have to die.
TRISTAN: (yelling) He said, “It’s a shame we have to die”!
JOEY: Oh yeah, that’s what I thought he said.
(In Kaiba’s trophy room)
KAIBA: And these are all the trophies I got for winning children’s card games. Aren’t they wonderful?
YUGI: Yeah. These are okay, I guess. I have, like, 50 trophies. And a medal. And they built a statue of me. Made of gold, because I’m so good at card games.
KAIBA: I’d love to see that.
YUGI: To see what?
KAIBA: The statue.
YUGI: Oh, it’s not really a big deal. It’s just a huge statue and it’s just—
TÉA: I’d like to see the statue, too.
JOEY: Yeah. Show us the statue, Yug.
TRISTAN: Unless you’re telling us there isn’t really a statue.
YUGI: Eh. I have a better idea, why don’t we go visit my grandpa?
KAIBA: That’s sounds simply… (zooms in on his face) wonderful.
(at the Game Shop)
YUGI: Hey, gramps, can we please see your ultra rare, chocolatey-fudge-coated, sugar-sprinkled, angelic-magical-fantastical, stupendously special, illegally sexual, genuinely-brilliantly-amazingly-goddamn spank-my-ass-and-call-me-Suzy mega-ultra-super card?
YUGI: Show us your rare card.
GRANDPA: Is this the one you’re talking about?
YUGI: Yes, that’s the one that has incredibly important sentimental value to you.
GRANDPA: Would you like to buy it?
YUGI: No. That’s your favorite card, remember?
GRANDPA: Is this the Black Luster Soldier?
YUGI: No. It’s the Blue-Eyes White Dragon.
GRANDPA: Why do I like this card so much?
KAIBA: Blue-Eyes White Dragon! That’s the card I’ve been searching for my whole life. I would do anything to have it. Anything.
KAIBA: (walking to the door) Well, see you guys later.
GRANDPA: That Kaiba kid needs to get laid.
GRANDPA: I don’t know.
(at school again)
(Joey is on the roof with Tristan and Kaiba)
JOEY: The jig is up, Kaiba. We know you stole Yugi’s Grandpa’s Blue-Eyes!
KAIBA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JOEY: (grabs Kaiba) Don’t play dumb. Grandpa told us his card went missing right after we left. And I saw how bad you wanted it.
KAIBA: Maybe he just lost it.
JOEY: That’s impossible!
(cut to the game shop)
GRANDPA: Oh, here it is. I must’ve just lost it. Huh. Go figure.
(back to the roof)
KAIBA: You really don’t wanna lay a finger on me.
JOEY: Oh yeah? Why not?
KAIBA: Because otherwise I’ll have to introduce you to my other BFFs.
JOEY: Oh yeah, like I’m scared of a bunch of your friends. (gets knocked against the fence)
TRISTAN: Joey! Can I borrow some money?
KAIBA: I think you must have misunderstood me. “BFF” doesn’t stand for “Best Friend Forever”. It stands for “Big F**king Freaks”.
TRISTAN: Don’t worry, Joey. So long as we don’t believe in them, they can’t hurt us.
(Tristan gets beat up off screen)
TRISTAN: (offscreen) But I don’t believe in you!
(Tristan gets beat up some more)
TRISTAN: (still off screen) Why does it still hurt?
(Yugi comes in through the door)
(Tristan and Joey are on the ground, beaten up)
KAIBA: I’m sorry you had to see this, Yugi.
YUGI: See what? Oh, the unconscious bodies of my friends? Yeah, I don’t care.
KAIBA: Then why're you even here?
YUGI: I need you to put me in your will!
YUGI: Look, I’ll do anything to get your money. I’ll be your servant, your slave, your adopted son! Just give me some of your fortune! That’s all I can think about anymore.
(Kaiba hits Yugi with his briefcase)
YUGI: Gah! Daddy, no!
KAIBA: Sorry, Yugi. I like you a lot, but I’m afraid I just like money more. (walks away) Have fun with my BFF’s.
YUGI: But I was in face-down position.
YAMI: (speaking in Yugi’s head/through the Millennium Puzzle) Yuuugi. Give in to the hatred inside yourself. Let it flow through you like a—
YUGI: But I don’t have any hatred. I’m just extremely passive-aggressive.
YAMI: Fine. Give in to your passive-agressiveness. Let it flow through you like an extremely defensive river. Yes. Yes! (laughs evilly)
(Yugi transforms into Yami)
YAMI: Heeeere’s Johnny!
KAIBA: (singing) Love, love, love, la-la-love. Makes the world go round.
YAMI: Hey, Kaiba!
YAMI: You took my grandfather’s card, so I took your bodyguards’ kidneys. I believe that’s a fair trade. Now, how ‘bout we play a little game?
(At a table with the Duel Monsters Map laid out)
YAMI: So, Kaiba, are you ready to enter a world of pain?
KAIBA: Sounds delightful.
YAMI: A world where the only noise you hear is that of your haggard breath as you choke on your own entrails?
KAIBA: Positively charming.
YAMI: Because I’m going to take you straight down to Hell, Kaiba. And believe me, your torture will never end until I’m satisfied.
KAIBA: I always wanted to visit new places.
YAMI: Okay, cut that out.
KAIBA: Cut what out?
YAMI: That whole “happy” thing. I’m not buying it.
KAIBA: I really don’t know what you mean.
YAMI: Everyone knows that Seto Kaiba is an obsessive egomaniacal scumbag. The only reason you’re playing this game is to prove you’re the best.
KAIBA: Actually, I’m just playing for fun.
KAIBA: I love playing games with my friends.
YAMI: O-okay stop that.
KAIBA: Especially my closest friends.
YAMI: You’re freaking me out here!
KAIBA: Like you, Yugi.
YAMI: Who the hell are you?
KAIBA: I’m Seto Kaiba. The nicest guy on the face of the planet.
(Yami starts laughing, then Kaiba joins in)
KAIBA: (still laughing) Oh, it feels so good to laugh!
YAMI: (still laughing) I’m gonna kill you in your sleep.
YAMI: Yes. Behold, Kaiba. I possess the power to make your monsters real! Tremble in fear as I—
KAIBA: That’s fantastic! This’ll make the game much more fun.
YAMI: Well, I-I suppose. Mostly, it’s supposed to be scary.
KAIBA: On the contrary, I think it’s neat.
YAMI: You… think my Satanic powers are… neat?
YAMI: I hate you. With all of my hate.
KAIBA: I summon the Blue-Eyes White Dragon!
KAIBA: Yeah, so?
YAMI: That’s against the rules, isn’t it?
KAIBA: Actually, there are several situations in which summoning multiple monsters at once can be totally legal in this game.
YAMI: That— that wasn’t very funny.
KAIBA: Why would it be funny? I’m just trying to explain how to play.
YAMI: This is all kinds of wrong!
KAIBA: You know what’d cheer you up? A big friendly hug!
YAMI: Back off, Kaiba!
KAIBA: I’m a very huggy person.
YAMI: Okay! That does it! I banish you to a place where you cannot hug me!
KAIBA: You can’t defeat the power of friendship, Yugi. Hahahahahahahaha!
YAMI: Geez. That was just terrifying. Thank God it’s over.
MOKUBA: So, Seto, did you manage to defeat Yugi?
KAIBA: No, little brother. He used his magical powers to escape. But next time, I’ll be ready.
MOKUBA: Excellent! Soon, nothing will stop us from obtaining his most powerful cards and then I shall rule the world as Emperor Mokuba! Isn’t that right, Seto?
KAIBA: Anything for you, Mokuba. You’re the best little brother a guy could have. I love you.
MOKUBA: Shut up, Seto.
(End credits; "Everything You Know Is Wrong" by "Weird Al" Yankovic plays)
(Kaiba stares out the window at the rain)
KAIBA: Aaah... I wish the rain was my friend!