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Seto Kaiba's Real Father/Transcript

< Seto Kaiba's Real Father

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MOKUBA: Hey, Seto, guess what!?

SETO: You found another pubic hair? That makes, what, three now?

MOKUBA: No, this is way more exciting!

SETO: They're finally releasing Shenmue III?

MOKUBA: Way more exciting!

SETO: LittleKuriboh and Safty are getting married?

MOKUBA: Way more exciting!

SETO: Yugi Muto actually conceded that I'm a better duelist than he could ever hope to be?

MOKUBA: Um... maybe not that exciting...

SETO: Would you just hurry up and tell me already?!

MOKUBA: I just got a letter claiming to be from our real father!

SETO: Our real father? You must be joking!

MOKUBA: I know it sounds far-fetched, but everything checks out. They know everything about us, including that embarrassing birthmark on your-

SETO: How could they possibly know about that? I never take off my clothes!

MOKUBA: Never, Seto?

SETO: Hey, if you had an outfit that made you look this good, would you take it off?

MOKUBA: Aren't you excited, bro? We could finally meet our real parents!

SETO: It's been so long since I fired them. I've completely forgotten who they are or what they look like. All I have are those bizarre sketches people keep sending me on my deviantART account claiming that I'm the estranged love child of Light Yagami and Lelouch from Code Geass. Stupid fangirls don't know where babies come from...

MOKUBA: Where do babies come from, Seto?

SETO: Mokuba, we've gone over this. You buy them in a store, just like everything else. What does the letter say, anyway?

MOKUBA: Let me read it to you. Ahem: "Dear Seto and Mokuba: I am your father. No, not Gozaburo. He's not going to show up until season three. I am your real father. I am writing to let you know that I'm still alive and I know how successful you both are and I want my share."

SETO: What?

MOKUBA: "If you don't give me what's mine, I'm going to reveal the truth of your childhood to the rest of the world. You know what I'm talking about. I want half of all your money sent to my PayPal account. P.S. Don't try to trace this message or figure out who I am. That would just be cheating."

SETO: That bastard! Who does he think he is, threatening me like that? What could he possibly use against me?

MOKUBA: Baby pictures?

SETO: No... no, he wouldn't dare! Nobody would be able take me seriously if they knew I was once... cute...

MOKUBA: What are we going to do, Seto?

SETO: The only thing we can do, Mokuba: we're going to find my real father and put a stop to him once and for all! It'll be just like Jim Jarmusch's Broken Flowers starring Bill Murray... except our story will have an actual conclusion.

MOKUBA: I've compiled a list of all the possible candidates. Who do you suppose it could be, Seto?

[A piece of notebook paper is shown with the caption "Potential Fathers" at the top. On the paper are pictures of Bill Gates, King Dedede, Tony Stark, Cyril Sneer, Sammy Stephens, Big Boss, the "Not Funny!" kid captioned as HeavyDDR, King Harkinian from the Legend of Zelda CD-i Games, and Brock)

SETO: There's only one way to find out...

NARRATOR: Who is Seto Kaiba's real father? Why does he want to blackmail his own children? And when the hell is Shenmue III going to come out, anyway? Find out in the next exciting episode of... this...

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