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← "The Death Of Tristan Taylor" #52: "Seto Kaiba vs. The World" "O Mokuba, Where Art Thou?" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi (opening, doesn't really appear in the episode except for a cameo), Seto Kaiba, Tristan Taylor (posessed by Nezbitt), Mokuba Kaiba, Yugi Muto, Duke Devlin, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor (as robot monkey), Leichter, "Bandit" Keith, Noah Kaiba, Gozaburo Kaiba, Hobson

Running Time: 11:06

Transcript Edit

(Standard Flying Cards Opening. Cards include the creators of Naruto Abridged on a roller coaster, Rebecca Black, Mike Haggar, Conker, and Leonardo DiCaprio)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! is now 10 years old! That's around twice as old as the average fan of this show!

(Cut to Kaiba and Mokuba looking at "Tristan", who is on a rooftop)

KAIBA: Hey, I know that guy! Yeah, that's the funny guy who says the funny things. Hey funny guy! Say some funny things!

"TRISTAN": I'm going to kill youuuuuuuu! (jumps down and hits ground with a wooden stick; Kaiba jumps away just in time)

KAIBA: Ohohohohoho. Man, you are funny. The way you tried to kill me and all. Haha. Ah. Hey, do the line about your voice—

"TRISTAN": Aaaaaaahhhhhh— (keeps swinging, Kaiba keeps dodging)

KAIBA: (While dodging) God, you're funny! Ohohoh— Okay hold on. (throws a card at Tristan's stick)

YUGI: It's Tristan! He's alive! And he has a stick!

JOEY: Tristan! Put down the stick! Remember what happened with the scissors?

"TRISTAN": I'm not Tristan, you fool! I am ... Evil Tristan!

(dramatic music sting plays)

YAMI: (emerges from the bottom-right corner of the screen) Snot him!

(Opening Title Sequence)

DUKE: I don't think that's really Tristan, you guys. He seems ... different, somehow.

YUGI: You're right, Duke. Just look at his hair! It's so pointy!

DUKE: No, that's always been like that.

YUGI: Oh. Right. Well, just look at his vacant expression!

DUKE: Again Yugi, it's always been like that.

YUGI: But his voice is so weird!

DUKE: Yugi, do you pay any attention to your friends?

YUGI: Oh, of course I do! ...uh... um... uh...

DUKE: Duke—

YUGI: Duke! Right. I knew that.

EVIL TRISTAN: Reconsider this, Kaiba! Hyyyaaaaaahhh! (lunges again)

KAIBA: Grabbing a pipe. (grabs metal pipe and holds it in front of him) Come at me, bro.

(Evil Tristan knocks pipe out of his hand, the pipe clatters to the ground)

KAIBA: Well, that was highly improbable.

EVIL TRISTAN: Perhaps you should have reconsidered your choice of weapon!

KAIBA: Ohhhh, it's Nezbitt. What, are you still not over the whole "blowing up your research lab" thing?

EVIL TRISTAN: The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the guy kicking your ass with a stick. The irony—

ROBOT MONKEY: That's my line, you thieving robot jerk!

YUGI: Joey, use Tackle!

JOEY: Joeyjoeyjoeyjoeyjoeyjoeyjoey Joey! ("Tristan" is kicked through a wall) I warned him, using a stick is just asking for trouble.

YUGI: Joey, you just shoved him through a building.

JOEY: So?

YUGI: So... are you on steroids? If so, could I have some?

("Tristan" appears riding a motorcycle)

JOEY: Hey, is that a Honda?

YUGI: No, his name's Tristan.

JOEY: No, I mean— oh, never mind.

(Evil Tristan grabs Mokuba)

MOKUBA: Oh hey Tristan— ("Tristan" hits Mokuba) Gack! (Is knocked out)

EVIL TRISTAN: I'm taking your brother for a ride, Kaiba.

KAIBA: You don't know what you're doing, Nezbitt! Mokuba gets travel sick really easily!

(Mokuba vomits offscreen)

"TRISTAN": (Offscreen) Aw come on, I just got this body.

YUGI: Don't worry Kaiba, we'll get your brother back, all we have to do is stick together...

(Kaiba reappears riding a motorcycle)

KAIBA: Eat it, nerds! (Motorcycle speeds out of sight)

YUGI: Ok, since when did this show become amazing?

(Cut to Kaiba riding his motorcycle, singing along to the lyrics of "You're Not Me")

KAIBA:
♪Dooooooooon't say if I were you, (Say if I were you)
Or tell me what to do, (Tell me what to do)
How things would be if you were in my shoes,
'Cause you're not me!♪
(Motorcycle takes a hard turn and blows up, Kaiba appears unharmed) Ugghh! It's a good thing I'm Seto Kaiba, or that might've actually hurt me.

TRISTAN (In the body of a Robot Monkey): Guys, it's so good to see you again! I missed you so mu— (revealed to be actually making monkey sounds)

DUKE: What the hell is this thing?

JOEY: (shouting) Well, one thing's for sure. It definitely isn't Tristan. Because he is in the Shadow Realm. Or dead. One or the other.

TRISTAN: Wait, why can't you guys understand what I— (monkey sounds)

JOEY: (Still shouting) But since Tristan isn't here, let's all talk loudly about the things that we hated about him. That way we'll be honoring his memory, and laughing at his expense.

YUGI: Just like the old days.

TRISTAN: You guys, I'm right here!

JOEY: (Still shouting) Shut up, robot monkey! I hate you almost as much as I hated Tristan, which is a lot!

(scene cuts to Leichter, in a longcoat wearing glasses and a hat, and Kaiba, with "Big 5 Leichter Theme" playing in the background, and a wall of fire separating them)

LECTOR: (cackles) Well I say, it looks like we meet again, Mr. Kaiba!

KAIBA: Oh look, another person I'm supposed to care about.

LECTOR: Mr. Kaiba, I do declare, you have a worse memory than my grandpappy's goldfish! Boy, I say boy! Boy!

KAIBA: Oh hey, it's Leichter. I'd recognize those unnecessary Southernisms anywhere. Let me guess, you're one of Noah's Seven Evil Ex-Boyfriends.

LECTOR: Don't, I said don't play dumb, Mr. Kaiba! I was your father Gozaburo's right-hand man, and newly appointed Head of Localization.

KAIBA: Don't you mean Americanization?

LECTOR: It's called "Localization", Mr. Kaiba. Because I do declare, there is only one country that matters when it comes to translating stuff, and that's: Americalanavania... I mean America. Let me give you an example. (Rice ball appears in bottom-right corner of screen) You see this rice ball? (Rice ball turns into a hamburger) Now it's a burger. (Turns into cheeseburger) And now it's a cheeseburger! You see, Mr. Kaiba, it's the added dairy that makes it truly American.

KAIBA: Huh, that reminds me. Whatever happened to Bandit Keith?

(cuts to Bandit Keith in a bar, with "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey playing in the background)

BANDIT KEITH: (snores) In America...

(cuts to Mokuba passed out on a couch)

NOAH: Rise and shine, Mokuba.

MOKUBA: (groans) Ok, who kidnapped me this time? Wait, it's Season 3 so it must be—

NOAH: (laughs sadistically) Me.

MOKUBA: Noah!

NOAH: That's right, Mokuba. I've captured you and there's no escape!

MOKUBA: 'Kay.

NOAH: That's it? Just "'kay"?

MOKUBA: Well, I'm kinda used to it by now. Hey, d'you have any snacks in here? Aha, I like food.

NOAH: No ... I don't—

MOKUBA: Well, all my other kidnappers gave me snacks. Pegasus took me on a picnic, Marik gave me pizza...

NOAH: You're supposed to be begging for mercy, not snacks!

MOKUBA: (shrugs) I guess you're just not as cool as all the other kidnappers.

NOAH: (Glances distractedly) I think I might have some week-old doughnuts in the fridge...

MOKUBA: Awesome! Now this is a kidnapping!

(cuts to Kaiba and Leichter, now in the form of Jinzo)

KAIBA: Duel me, you... (looks at Leichter's Jinzo body in confusion) uh... weird... cyborg... kind of... burn victim person.

LECTOR: Very well, Mr. Kaiba, but I don't suppose you're aware of Jinzo's special effect now, are ya?

KAIBA: Enlighten me.

LECTOR: Let's say you had your motorcycle, Mr. Kaiba, and for the sake of argument, imagine we were both dueling while riding said motorcycle. How'd you describe that situation?

KAIBA: Uh... I don't know. Card games on motorcycles?

(Jack Atlas pops in)

JACK: CARD GAMES ON MOTOR— (Leichter shoots laser beams out of his eyes, Jack explodes) WHAT THE—?! AAH!!

LECTOR: (chuckles) I have been waitin' a whole year for that!

KAIBA (thinking): Oh no! Jinzo has the power to destroy Internet memes! But my deck, it's almost completely filled with Internet jokes and references!

LECTOR: Boy, I say boy, Mr. Kaiba! I do declare, it looks like the rules... just screwed you! (points dramatically and cackles)

KAIBA: Uh, that doesn't even work.

(cuts to Noah and Mokuba watching Kaiba duel Leichter)

NOAH: Now, Mokuba, do you see how pointless it is to resist my—

MOKUBA: This is boring! Can we switch over to SpongeBob?

NOAH: SpongeBob?

MOKUBA: My other kidnappers always let me watch cartoons. And they let me stay up till midnight!

NOAH: Fine, you can watch SpongeBob.

MOKUBA: Yay! (munches on doughnut) Best kidnapping ever!

(cuts to Yugi and friends in a truck)

YUGI and JOEY (singing):
♪ 99 Duel Monsters cards on the wall,
99 Duel Monsters cards!
Take one down, trade it around,
98 Duel Monsters cards on the wall! ♪

DUKE: Guys, I hate this song!

(cuts to Kaiba and Leichter)

LECTOR: Now, I summon my magical Moe Missile Maiden! And ain't she cuter than a teddy bear wrapped in puppies?

KAIBA: God, I hate cute.

LECTOR: Boy, I say boy, Mr. Kaiba! I hafta ask, how's it feel knowin' you're about to lose everything?

KAIBA: I never lose, Leichter!

YUGI (appearing with the main cast behind Kaiba): Hey Kaiba, are you losing? I mean, I know how much you hate when that happens. After all, I've beaten you so many times. So are you losing right now? Is that what's happening? Did you already lose and you're just too embarrassed to admit it? Is the other guy winning? Kaiba?

KAIBA: I never lose!! Not since I defeated my stepfather in a game of wits when I was only a child.

(Flashback to Kaiba's childhood)

YUGI: (voiceover) So are you losing or not?

GOZABURO: Seto, I don't want you to think I'm an unreasonable man.

CHIBI KAIBA: Too late for that.

GOZABURO: SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU LITTLE INGRATE!! ...I mean, beloved son of mine. Tell me, Seto, what would you do if I were to put you in charge of KaibaCorp?

CHIBI KAIBA: Well, the first thing I'd do is ... (Like a Boss starts playing in the background, and scene repeatedly cuts to footage befitting Kaiba's lyrics)
Screw the rules! (Like a boss)
Summon a dragon! (Like a boss)
Invent a Duel Disk! (Like a boss)
Jump out the window! (Like a boss)
Rescue my brother! (Like a boss)
Hang up the phone! (Like a boss)
Impressed by rocks! (Like a boss)
Collect the God Cards! (Like a boss)

(Obelisk's mouth moves with the line "Like a boss")

Fly a jet!

MOKUBA: (in passenger seat) Like a boss!

KAIBA: Write a check! (Like a boss)


(Check also reads "Like A Boss")

Land in a jetpack! (Like a boss)

(Cut back to Chibi Kaiba)

Be an asshole! (Like a boss)

GOZABURO: Well, Seto, your song parody has not fallen on deaf ears. I'm giving you the opportunity to prove that you can run this company. Hobson, give Seto his gift of ten million dollars.

CHIBI-KAIBA: What am I supposed to do with this?

GOZABURO: This time next year, I want you to pay me back ten times the amount I'm giving you. Only then will you earn a place in the club of corporate scumbags.

HOBSON: (Sounding like The Hulk) Hobson recommend investing in Internet stock.

(Cuts to Chibi Mokuba and Chibi Kaiba talking)

CHIBI MOKUBA: What are you gonna do, Seto?

CHIBI KAIBA: I'm going to buy 51% of the shares in a company that treats its employees like family.

CHIBI MOKUBA: You mean like Disney?

CHIBI KAIBA: No, Mokuba, nothing like that.

CAPTION: Dreamworks HQ

DREAMWORKS EXECUTIVE: Are you out of your mind?! You're asking me to buy the company from you for ten times the amount it's actually worth!

CHIBI KAIBA: That's right.

DREAMWORKS EXECUTIVE: Why would we ever agree to that?

CHIBI KAIBA: Because if you don't, I'll force your company to produce lame uninspired animated movies starring B-list celebrities that blatantly rip off vastly superior Pixar movies.

DREAMWORKS EXECUTIVE: But we already do that!

CHIBI KAIBA: Oh! (beat) Umm... (Pulls out a gun, speaks quickly) Gimme the money.

(Cuts to street with money raining over Chibi Kaiba)

KAIBA: (voiceover) Even though I successfully bullied that company into giving me the money, it wasn't enough. I had to go after KaibaCorp itself.

(Cuts to Chibi Kaiba speaking with Gozaburo)

CHIBI KAIBA: This company will belong to me, old man!

GOZABURO: That's where you're wrong, Seto! You don't have enough shares to take over my company.

CHIBI MOKUBA: Think again, Gozaburo! I'm giving my shares to my big brother.

CHIBI KAIBA: Mokuba, you don't have any shares.

CHIBI MOKUBA: I don't?

CHIBI KAIBA: Of course not, you're like five! The only other shareholder is—

HOBSON: Hobson give shares to Seto!

GOZABURO: Hobson, how could you do this to me? After I picked you up from the gutters—

HOBSON: Hobson regret nothing!

CHIBI KAIBA: Now, I'm the owner of KaibaCorp. My first order of business: Build the ultimate theme park! All I need is a name...

HOBSON: Hobsonland!

CHIBI KAIBA: (Quickly) Yeah, I'll think about it.

HOBSON: Yaaaaaay!!

(End flashback)

KAIBA: And that, Leichter, is why I always win!

YUGI: (off-screen) Did you lose yet?

KAIBA: Shut up, Yugi!!

LECTOR: You turned your back on your own brother, became a corporate scumbag—

KAIBA: Yeah, okay, I'm an asshole. What's your point?

LECTOR: My point, I say, my point is you have nothing left to defend yourself. Your deck is a useless mess of memes. And my Satellite Cannon is almost fully charged, Mr. Kaiba. (Cut to left half of screen having half of Leichter's real face, and the right half having Jinzo's face) It is time to say good night.

KAIBA: I don't think so. You see, while I was distracting everyone with that flashback, I went on the Internet and started posting this everywhere. (A Lolcat picture appears, with the caption "I CAN HAS RIZEBALL?")

LECTOR: Mr. Kaiba, I say, what is that?

KAIBA: It's the new Internet meme I created; I call it "Lolcalizations". All you have to do is (One Piece scene appears in the card Kaiba holds up) take a picture and then (4kids version of same scene appears in its place) "lolcalize" it.

LECTOR: (nervously) But that's my job!

KAIBA: Not anymore, Leichter, now it's the Internet's job.

LECTOR: But that means—

KAIBA: That's right; you, Leichter, are an Internet meme!

YUGI: Man, Kaiba "lolcalized" the crap out of that guy.

JOEY: Heh heh heh, "lolcalizations" for the win! (Joey's face turns into an emoticon) Kittyface!

LECTOR: (scared) No! Mr. Kaiba, please, stop! If you keep using it, it'll go viral!

KAIBA: Check the video comments, Leichter; it already has!

LECTOR: (steams and falls down) NO! I was so close to finally escaping this digital dungeon! You'll never see your brother again, Mr. Kaiba; however, (becomes digitalized) I'll be baaaaaaack!

KAIBA: Duh, winning!

(Ending: Reprise of "You're Not Me", without Kaiba singing)

CAPTIONS:
[hobson pursued his
dream of becoming a
professional wrestler]

[it turns out most
of them aren't nearly
as articulate as him]

#kaibaswinning

(Fade to black, after a while, Nyan-Cat plays with Joey as Nyeh Cat, "Nyeh" being said along with the tune.)

CAPTION: NON-STOP NYEH CAT!

(Post Ending: Bandit Keith still drunk at the bar, "America" by Neil Diamond playing in background)

BANDIT KEITH: (incomprehensible) ...Coming to America... I love this song...

(fade to black)

CAPTION: [blooper]

MOKUBA (off-screen): Pegasus took me on a picnic... Pah bah poop... Marik took me on a pizza— whaaat, no, he didn't do that!

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