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← "Mo' Money, Mo' Card Games" #27: "She Blinded Me With Card Games" "Who's That Mokémon?" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Joey, Yugi, Tristan, Téa, The Salesman, Marik Ishtar, Rare Hunter, Joey's Mom, Serenity Wheeler, Grandpa

Date: February 29, 2008

Running Time: 7:04

TranscriptEdit

Intro

YAMI: Hey, remember when Bakura used to be in this show? ...Neither do I!

Outside School

JOEY: (angry) Man, I can't believe Kaiba started his own tournament! Now I have to enter it and get the prize money for my sister's eye operation!

YUGI: But Joey, there isn't any prize money. The winner gets his opponent's rarest card. Besides, I thought you already won the prize money in Season One.

JOEY: Yeah, well, I kinda spent that money on trading cards...

TRISTAN: Joey Wheeler, you selfish bastard!

JOEY: (angrier) Shut up, Tristan! You just wanna get into Serenity's pants!

TRISTAN: No, I don't! I want to have sex with her! (pauses) Ohhhh, that's what you meant...

Title Sequence

In a tournament register

YUGI: Hello, we're Japanese teenagers.

GUY: Then you must be here to buy some pornographic comic books disguised as graphic novels.

YUGI: What? No! We're just here to register for the new card game tournament, since we have absolutely nothing better to do with our lives.

GUY: Ah, you must be Yugi Moto. I'll enter your name into the KaibaCorp database and we'll see what comes up. Here you go. (Photo shows Yami in a tutu) Since you qualify for the tournament, here's your free duel disk.

YUGI: Sweet! This is going straight onto eBay.

JOEY: Does it say anything about me on your magical computer-box thing?

GUY: Let me see...

Screen comes up with "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley

JOEY: That bastard Kaiba Rickrolled me! I haven't been this mad since they made HeavyDDR a submod!

TRISTAN: Joey, no! If you get too angry you'll become the Incredible Hulk!

TÉA: Tristan, that's Bruce Banner.

TRISTAN: I thought it applied to everyone!

GUY: Listen, if it'll get you to leave any quicker I'll just register you in the tournament and give you a free duel disk.

(Joey grabs his duel disk and hums the Legend of Zelda treasure chest tune, then thrusts the duel disk over his head)

YUGI: Looks like Joey found a duel disk.

TÉA: Let's get out of here. The obscure references are making me dizzy.

GUY: (Talks into phone) Everything is going according to the plan, Master Marik.

MARIK: (on the phone) Excellent, my mind-slave, excellent! Ha-haha, ha-haha-hahahahahah! Now about those pornographic comic books I ordered...

Outside

JOEY: I'm late for my sister's operation, so I'm gonna go take a shortcut through some dangerous back alleys in the middle of the night.

YUGI: That sounds potentially fatal.

JOEY: Yup, wish me luck!

(Joey runs away)

TRISTAN: There goes a guy with a sister I'd like to bang.

TÉA: (singsong) Tristan and Serenity sitting in a tree.

YUGI: K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

TRISTAN: (thinking) They know my secret! I'll just have to kill them all!

Joey in the alley, music from Run Lola Run playing

JOEY: (thinking) Man, my sister is gonna be so proud of me when she hears I'm in the new tournament. Hopefully that will distract her from her imminent blindness.

He sees three hooded figures straight forward

JOEY: (thinking) Hey, a bunch of creepy looking guys in cloaks! I think I'll run directly towards them. (aloud) Hey, what gives here? My sister's waiting for me at the hospital!

RARE HUNTER: I'm afraid she'll be waiting a long time, Joey Wheeler!

JOEY: And who might you be?

RARE HUNTER: We are the elite group known as Rare Hunters. My name is Steve. And these are my associates. They are also called Steve. We're here to take your rarest card!

JOEY: You mean you're gonna kick the crap out of me and steal it?

RARE HUNTER: No! First we're going to challenge you to a children's card game! Then we will kick the crap out of you and steal it!

JOEY: Wouldn't it be much easier just to skip the first step?

RARE HUNTER: Yes! Yes it would!

At the hospital, with caption
"Meanwhile, on the anime
version of Grey's Anatomy..."

JOEY'S MOM: (using a very manly voice) Don't worry, Serenity. Joey will be here soon, and then you'll be able to have your operation.

SERENITY: I know, Daddy, but sometimes I think Joey cares more about card games than he does about me. I guess I'm just being silly.

JOEY'S MOM: That's right, sweetie.

Back in the alley

JOEY: Man, this card game is awesome! I can't even remember what I was supposed to be doing! Whatever it was, it probably wasn't very important. And it certainly didn't involve any of my close family members.

RARE HUNTER: I'm afraid your time is up, Joey Wheeler. Exodia, obliterate!

Exodia fires his lasers with the "shoop da whoop" face

JOEY: Ow! The hologram that has no physical presence somehow managed to knock me over!

RARE HUNTER: That's right, Wheeler. Now we'll be taking your Red-Eyes Black Dragon.

JOEY: It is heavily implied that you are punching me!

RARE HUNTER: I claim this card in the name of Mars. Isn't that lovely?

Scene change to the hospital, Joey's mother knocking on Serenity's door

JOEY'S MOM: Serenity, open this door! Let me comfort you with the sound of my voice.

SERENITY: No, Daddy, no! I'm not having the operation until Joey gets here!

Outside the game shop

The phone rings

GRANDPA: Yugi! Answer that phone. I'd get it myself, but I think I'm having a heart attack. Yes... yes, it's definitely a heart attack. Um... help, by the way.

(Yugi gets the phone, still in his pajamas)

GRANDPA: Help!

YUGI: Holy cow! You're saying Joey went missing last night?

GRANDPA: Help!

YUGI: And you haven't seen him all day?

GRANDPA: Help?

YUGI: You mean he didn't show up at the hospital?

GRANDPA: Help?!

YUGI: Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to find him.

GRANDPA: Help your grandpa, Yugi!

YUGI: You can count on us.

GRANDPA: Why won't anybody help?

Yugi and Téa meet on the side of the road

TÉA: Well, he's not in the park.

YUGI: Well, I'm outta ideas.

Tristan appears riding a motorcycle, with George Thorogood's Bad to the Bone playing

Sudden tape screech stops music

CAPTION: [WTF?]

YUGI: Tristan, I'm going to regret asking this, but... why do you have a motorbike?

TRISTAN: Because in the future, card games will be played on motorbikes.

YUGI: That... is the stupidest thing that has ever come out of your mouth. "Card games on motorbikes". Come on!

Promotional image of Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, with O Fortuna playing in the background

CAPTION: [you gotta be sh***ing me]

Yugi runs over a montage of backgrounds

YUGI: Joey! Where are you?

Téa runs over a montage of warehouse backgrounds

TÉA: Help! I'm being chased by warehouses! Ooh... Aah!

Tristan is on his motorbike

TRISTAN: (singing the Speed Racer theme)
Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer,
he's a demon on wheels.
He's a demon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone.

(Music from Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King plays)

CAPTIONS:
[here's where things get rather
confusing...]

[in the original japanese episode
there's a scene where tristan
confronts joey on the beach,
breaking him out of his stupor
by violently punching him...]

[...4kids decided to eliminate
this scene, thereby ridding
the "finding joey" subplot
of any real conclusion...]

[... instead we got this.]

Tristan zooms past on his motorbike

TRISTAN: HeyguysIfoundJoeybye!

CAPTION: (appears for a very short time) [no kidding]

Joey arrives at the hospital and stands outside Serenity's room

JOEY: Serenity, are you in there? It's me, Joey. I'm sorry I let ya down, Sis. I was supposed to be here for you. But I got distracted by a meaningless children's card game. Plus I spent the prize money on trading cards. Can you ever forgive me?

SERENITY: No, you selfish bastard!

JOEY: Well, hey, there's no need for that kind of language.

SERENITY: Joey, I could go blind!

JOEY: Yeah, but... sight is overrated. You don't need eyesight to do the really important things. You know, like card games. Okay, maybe that's a bad example, but, Serenity, as long as I'm around, nothing bad will ever happen to you. I promise.

Back at the game shop

CAPTION: [the following day...]

GRANDPA: Help!

Yugi is on the phone with Joey

YUGI: So the operation was a failure, and Serenity's going to go blind?

JOEY: Yep. The good news is, Serenity won't be needing her trading cards anymore.

YUGI: Wow, you're kind of a selfish bastard, Joey. ...So what cards does she have, anyway?

Ending: Speed Racer theme plays

CAPTION:
[credit to alcnolien for
the yami pic]

Stinger, from The Wizard

WEEVIL: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.

REBECCA: He touched my breast!

Flash doodle of Marik reading porn

MARIK: This pornography is really quite good.

Dr. Octagonapus from The Lazer Collection flies in.

DR. OCTAGONAPUS: DR. OCTAGONAPUS, BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Attacks Marik with a shoop da whoop lazer)

CAPTION:
[dr octagonapus belongs to
DominicFear - go watch
the lazer collections]

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