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So Long & Thanks For All The Trading Cards/Transcript

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← "Chenquieh!" #42: "So Long & Thanks For All The Trading Cards" "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mai" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami, Mai, Yugi, Marik, Joey, Odion, Tristan, Serenity, Veronica Ishtar, Hank Ishtar, Kaiba, Téa, Mega-Ultra Chicken, Gruber, Melvin, Yusei Fudo, Jack Atlas, Rex Goodwin

Date: August 26, 2009

Running Time: 10:50

Transcript Edit

(Opening)

YAMI: You know, you can go ahead and skip this episode. I'm sure nothing significant will happen. It's probably just filler.

(On the Duel Deck)

MAI: I can't believe Joey is dueling Marik!

YUGI: Yep, that sure is the current situation!

MARIK: (thinking) Those fools are foolish enough to think that Odion is me! Yet secretly, unbeknownst to them, I am actually me! And I hold the real Millennium Rod behind my back! You know, I do hope nobody looks in my general direction. Otherwise my whole evil plan is totally [EFF!]ed.

(Title sequence)

JOEY (points at Odion): Hey, baldy! You don't have any hair! You know why? Because you're bald! Seriously, look at how bald you are! You know, if you had a comb you wouldn't know what to do with it because you're so bald! God you're bald.

ODION: Are you done pointing out that I'm bald?

JOEY: Ehhh, no.

TRISTAN: Has the card game started yet?

YUGI: Oh, it's been going for the past two hours. This is still the first turn.

SERENITY: Are card games always this slow?

YUGI: Actually, this one's going pretty quickly. We should probably tell Joey to slow down a little.

MARIK: (thinking) Odion, summon your most powerful monsters and lay waste to Stevie's Life Points!

ODION: (thinking) As you wish, Master Marik. (speaking) I summon the unstoppable force that is... the Gummi Bears!

(From left, Grammi, Gruffi, Cubbi, Tummi, Sunni and Zummi Gummi appear onscreen.)

MARIK: (thinking) Yeess— wait, what?! The friggin' Gummi Bears? No, for the love of crap, summon something a little more intimidating, Odion!

ODION: (thinking) Very well. (speaking) Prepare yourself, Mr. Wheeler, for the next card I play will be the final instrument of your destruction.

MARIK: (thinking) Yeess, yeess, yeess.

ODION: The Easter Bunny.

MARIK: Yea— noooo frigging hell, Odion! Why are you such a giant baby! (echoes) Baby... baby... baby...

(Flashback to when Odion was a baby)

ODION: (as a baby, same voice as adult version) Waaah, waaah!

MRS. ISHTAR: Oh, my! Somebody left a perfectly good baby on our doorstep. I shall do the only humane thing and take you deep underground to raise you in an environment of cruelty and restraint. Is that what Baby wants? Cruelty and restraint? Yes, it is! Coo-chee-coo!

MR. ISHTAR: For thousands of years, our family has guarded the pharaoh's tomb. Now, you and I must have a child so that the tomb keeper's legacy can be passed down to another generation. Sooo... are you pregnant yet?

MRS. ISHTAR: No.

MR. ISHTAR: ...How about now?

MRS. ISHTAR: Still nothing.

MR. ISHTAR: Now? (Timeskip to baby Ishizu) Oh, look, another baby! I knew you were hiding one somewhere. At last, I have the son I always wanted.

MRS. ISHTAR: Actually, she's a girl.

MR. ISHTAR: What? But she's got a—

MRS. ISHTAR: —umbilical cord.

MR. ISHTAR: Ooohhh.....oh.

MRS. ISHTAR: Odion, I know your father can be rather difficult at times, but the truth is, he does love you as his own flesh and—

MR. ISHTAR: Hey, Veronica, are you talking to that fake, not-real son of mine again?

MRS. ISHTAR: Yes, dear.

MR. ISHTAR: Okay, tell him I hate him!

ODION: Mom, I just want dad to accept me!

MRS. ISHTAR: Your father is just going through a lot of stress right now, what with the redecorating and everything.

MR. ISHTAR: Hey, Veronica, I'm thinking burgundy for the wallpaper in the sacrificial chamber. What do you reckon?

MRS. ISHTAR: Sounds good to me, Hank.

MR. ISHTAR: You don't even know what burgundy is, do you?

MRS. ISHTAR: Be patient. Someday you will be a tomb keeper. I promise. Just so long as we don't have—

(Timeskip to baby Marik)

MR. ISHTAR: Hooray, another baby! Geez Veronica, these things are just flying out of you! You know, I can't decide if he should be called "Marik" or "Malik". What do you think, Veronica?

MRS. ISHTAR: I think I'm... dying... Hank.

MR. ISHTAR: Marik it is! Be right back, I'm going to go point this kid at the moon. I'm pretty sure that's one of our ancient traditions.

ODION: Mom! Don't go!

MRS. ISHTAR: It's okay, Odion. Remember, I will always love you. Promise me... you'll take care of your brother and sister. And whatever you do, don't let Marik grow up to be a giant douche like his father.

ODION: Mom!

(Mr. Ishtar points Marik at the moon while Christopher Cross's song ""Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" plays)

BABY MARIK: (same voice as now) Excewent! Wahahahahaha!

(Some years later)

MARIK: Wheee! Ancient Egyptian basketball sure is fun, Odion! Ahh! I just wish it didn't involve so many poisonous snakes!

MR. ISHTAR: Odion, why did you kill my pet cobra, Cornelius?

ODION: I was only trying to protect Marik!

MR. ISHTAR: Cornelius just wanted to play! You know how much he loved basketball! He was like the son I never had until I actually had one, and now, he's deyad! I will never forgive you for this, Binky-Boy!

ODION: I made you some soup, Master Marik.

MARIK: Unless your soup is the flavor of vengeance, I am not interested! So tell me, Odion, is it vengeance-flavored soup?

ODION: Uuuuuuuum, no. But it does have lentils in it. Lentils sound kinda like vengeance.

MARIK: [EFF!] your [EFF!]ing lentils! I'm sorry, Odion. I didn't mean to lash out at your soup. I'm just scared because soon I will receive the tomb keeper's initiation!

ODION: That doesn't sound so bad.

MARIK: They're going to carve open my back and burn an intricate symbol into my flesh!

ODION: Ouch. Still, it could be worse.

MARIK: And then they are going to make me watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua!

ODION: That's part of the ancient ritual?

MARIK: Apparently.

ODION: Don't worry, Master Marik. I will go to your father and ask him if I can take the initiation in your place.

MR. ISHTAR: Doah! Ha ha ha ha ha! ...oh wait, you're serious. Yeah... no, that's not happening.

MARIK: (as Chihuahua Song is playing in the background) No, please! I hate live-action Disney movies! Especially ones that involve talking animals! Odion, save me from the CGI chihuahuas!

ODION: Are you alright, Master Marik?

MARIK: I've been tortured by my own father, I'm going to spend the rest of my life underground, and I just watched the worst Jamie Lee Curtis movie since Christmas With the Kranks! (Dual voice) How the [EFF!] do you think I feel, Binky-Boy?!

ODION: Check it out. I got me a kick-ass face tattoo.

MARIK: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

ODION: Yes... is it working?

MARIK: Not really...

(End of flashback; back on the blimp)

ODION: Geez... even in my own flashbacks I'm a minor character.

MARIK: (thinking) Odion, I command you to summon Mega-Ultra Chicken!

ODION: But Master Marik, this is your card!

(Flashback)

MARIK: (voiceover) Actually, I had my Rare Hunters create a perfect forgery. Okay, so there were one or two minor complications along the way. But it's the result that counts.

(Rare Hunter gets blasted)

MARIK: (aloud) Ewww... geez, his brain's leaked right onto the new rug. That'll take forever to get out. Okay, people, we're gonna need another Steve.

(End flashback)

ODION: (thinking) But, Master Marik!

MARIK: (thinking) Do it, Odion! Do it in the name of Marik Sebastian Ishtar III!

ODION: Arise, Mega-Ultra Chicken, arise!

JOEY: Oh, no!

YAMI: Oh, no!

SERENITY: Oh, no!

KAIBA: (thinking) Oh God, yes!

CAPTION: +100 DEAD PUPPIES

ODION: Brace yourself, Mister Wheeler, because you're about to lose the rest of your Life Points!

YAMI: Be very careful, Joey!

CAPTION: [actual 4Kids dialogue]

TÉA: Yeah, great advice, Pharaoh.

MEGA-ULTRA CHICKEN: Infidels!

JOEY: Uh-oh.

MEGA-ULTRA CHICKEN: Thou hast angered the God of Trading Cards! (lightning starts raining from the sky) Now you will never again see the light of day!

YAMI: Joey, be very, very careful!

SERENITY: My brother!

MARIK: Odion, get down from there!

ODION: No, Master Marik. This... is the way it must be. Mother, I... finally got to be a tomb keeper, just... like you always wanted. I can only hope you're proud of me.

MARIK: She's not even your real mom, douchebag!

(Odion is struck by lightning and his fake Millennium Rod gets shattered as "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd starts playing in the background)

YAMI: By the gods! The Millennium Rod is made of delicious cheese!

YOUNG MARIK: Help me! Odion!

ODION: (falling over in slow motion) I tried... my best... to serve you, my master. I tried. I tried— (hits the ground and the music stops) Ow, my face.

MARIK: Ohhhhhhh [EFF!]

JOEY: (is almost hit by lightning) Nyeh! Man that was a close one. I sure am glad lightning never strikes twice in the same— (is struck by lightning) Irony! (collapses)

SERENITY: Joey!

YAMI: If only he had been careful!

TRISTAN: Hey, Joey! Is it okay if I date your sister!? (Joey remains silent) ...I am going to take your silence as a yes.

(In Joey's dream)

JOEY: What the? Where am I?

TRISTAN: Wake up, Joey!

TÉA: Your friends need you!

JOEY: Wake up? Why, am I dreamin' or somethin'?

YUGI: Of course you're dreaming! I mean, when was the last time any of us actually attended class?

JOEY: I can't believe it! All my pals are here! There's Yugi, Téa, Duke, Mai, Serenity— though I'm not sure what Bakura's doing here...

YUGI: C'mon, Joey! It's time to get up and prove yourself!

JOEY: Dat's right! Watch me, guys! Joey Wheeler's gonna kick some—

(Back on the blimp)

GRUBER: Marik Ishtar has been defeated!

JOEY: Wah? What happened?

YAMI: You won by default, Joey! Truly this is a victory for the forces of justice!

TÉA: Malik Blishtar is actually Marik Ishtar?!

MARIK: Yes, it's true! I am Kira— I mean Marik.

YAMI: And there's the obligatory Death Note reference. I never thought we'd sink that low.

MARIK: Pharaoh! I've been waiting for this moment for almost an entire season! Finally, we meet face to face! And now, I shall take great pleasure in (dual voice) annihilating you once and for all, Binky Boy! (Regular voice) Arggh...

ODION: Oh, no! This is terrible!

JOEY: What the heck's goin' on?

ODION: Master Marik has a darker side, brought upon by years of physical abuse and live-action Disney movies.

JOEY: Aw, c'mon, how bad could he possibly be?

ODION: Let me put it this way... you guys are all totally f***ed. Tell the Gummi Bears... I love them... Ugh...

MARIK: AHHHHHHH!!!!..... YAHHHH!!!!!!

CAPTION: [to be continued]

CAPTION: [just kidding]

MARIK: Get out of my frigging head, you frigging frig stick! GYAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

(Transforms into Melvin)

MELVIN: I... live... again! At last, I am rid of that wretched fool Marik, and I have all of you to thank. Now, who wants a hug?

TRISTAN: (offscreen) I do!

YAMI: Tristan, no! He's just going to stab you or something!

MELVIN: Don't listen to him, Tristan. He just wants all the hugs to himself.

YAMI: Why would I want all the—

MELVIN: (interrupts) I am in control of your mind!

YAMI: No, you're not.

MELVIN: That is exactly what I wanted you to say, mindslave!

YAMI: Look, we're not intimidated by your silly behav—

MELVIN: (interrupts) I am the king!

YAMI: You're a loony.

MELVIN: Binky-Boy!

YAMI: Look, what gives you the right to just waltz into our show and declare yourself the new villain? Everybody's been expecting me to duel Marik, not his imaginary childhood buddy Melvin.

MELVIN: The Marik you knew is a nobody. His evil plans involved trivial things like pushing you off a boat! I am more evil than he could ever hope to be.

YAMI: Prove it.

MELVIN: Remember TeamFourStar?

YAMI: Yeah, they were suspended. What's your point?

MELVIN: That... was me!

(Dramatic chords play. Everyone looks horrified. Kaiba smiles.)

CAPTION: +9001 DEAD PUPPIES

TRISTAN: Oh my God! Who's TeamFourStar?

(Ending. "Chihuahua" plays in the background)

CAPTION:
[remember, you can't spell
"melvin" without "evil"]

(Stinger, from Clerks the Animated Series)

JACK ATLAS: Oh my god! The kid in the helmet—

REX GOODWIN: Yes... look at him.

(Post Ending. "Chihuahua" plays in the background)

MARIK: Greaaat, now I can't get that [EFF!]ing song out of my head. Thanks, Odion. Thanks a bunch...

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