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← "They Saved Tristan's Brain" #55: "Stepbrother's Sin" "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Virtual World" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Seto Kaiba, Noah Kaiba, Yugi Muto, Joey Wheeler, Serenity Wheeler, Tristan Taylor (as robot monkey), Duke Devlin, Téa Gardner, Gozaburo Kaiba

Running Time: 13:28

TranscriptEdit

(standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: Chris Rock was right, this job is easy! Now where's my millions of dollars?

(Cut to an abandoned Kaiba Land)

KAIBA: Noah's virtual Kaiba Land is a weak approximation of the real thing. I mean, where are all the disappointed cries of small children? Where are the humiliating mascot outfits? (He enters a subway station inside Kaiba Land) And why the hell am I able to get onto any given ride in less than 3 hours?

(From under the subway tunnel comes a bullet train which looks like Blue-Eyes White Dragon, as the original "Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends" theme music plays)

NARRATOR: Thomas was very cross because he'd been turned into a dragon, and all the other trains didn't want to talk to 'im. "What a load of wankers", said Thomas.

KAIBA: A Blue-Eyes White Dragon train? I have the weirdest boner right now.

(title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Cancelled Series)

(Cut to the Blue-Eyes White Dragon Train over a field of lava and rock outcroppings. The original Thomas theme music plays again.)

NARRATOR: Thomas was very happy to drop off Seto Kaiba in the middle of a pool of boiling hot lava, where he was about to play a children's card game with his evil stepbrother Noah. "What a lovely thing to do", said Thomas.

KAIBA: (Steps off the Blue-Eyes White Dragon train) Noah, I'm surprised. I had no idea they let out kindergarten this early. Did you have fun playing with the Flintstones phone?

NOAH: Funny. Did you enjoy your little tour through Kaiba Land?

KAIBA: I did, actually. I forgot how entertaining the 'It's a small world compared to my ego' ride was.

NOAH: I'm glad, because that was the last shred of happiness you're going to feel before I defeat you and take control of your body!

KAIBA: Am I supposed to feel intimidated right now? Because I kinda don't.

NOAH: Why not?

KAIBA: Well, for starters, you're what, ten years old?

NOAH: No, I'm ten and a half!

KAIBA: Yeah, see, I don't usually get bossed around by infants. Seriously, it's like I'm being threatened by Mokuba. Now allow me to put this into terms a child like you will understand: It's time to yabba-dabba-Duel!

(Yugi, Joey, Téa, Serenity, Duke, and Robot Monkey Tristan enter)

YUGI: Check it out, gang, Noah's dueling Kaiba!

KAIBA: How the hell did you guys get here?

(Flashback to Joey holding Robot Monkey Tristan upside-down by the legs)

JOEY: (voiceover) Well, it all started when I picked up my monkey and then I started to spank it in front of everybody

(Cut back to Duel)

KAIBA: On second thought, I don't think I want to hear this story.

YUGI: Kaiba, listen to me! I know how you can defeat him! You know how you usually suck at this game? Try doing the opposite of that.

KAIBA: Yugi, so help me God...

YUGI: Or better yet, why don't you just let me Duel him? I'll even do it with a handicap! I'll use your lame-ass Deck.

KAIBA: The day I let you touch my deck is the day I admit that I love my brother. This is between me and the Munchkin.

NOAH: Really, Seto, all that posturing will only get you so far.

KAIBA : Yeah, yeah. By the way, how exactly do I become a member of the Lollipop Guild?

NOAH: I'm going to enjoy taking control of your body, Seto. I think the first thing I'll do is make a big donation to the local children's hospital. And I'll give all the KaibaCorp employees a raise.

KAIBA: You will do no such thing!

NOAH: Oh, I think I will. And then I might even make Mokuba the vice-president!

KAIBA: Bastard! Why are you so cruel?

NOAH: You have no idea what it's like to wake up one day and realize you're not even real! Just an artificial intelligence floating around inside a machine! The loneliness, the isolation...

KAIBA: (interjects) The wet pants.

NOAH: The wet pa— Shut up!

KAIBA: (laughs) Ahh, you peed yourself. No, sorry, tell your story, I'll be quiet.

NOAH: My life used to be perfectly normal. I had everything an ordinary kid would have: Violins, (cuts to picture of Noah playing a violin), horses, (Cuts to picture of Noah on a horse), maids... (Cuts to picture of Noah being attended to by 4 maids)

YUGI: How the hell is that ordinary?

JOEY: Yeah, maybe if you're Richie Rich.

DUKE (Sexyback plays in background): What, do you guys not have those?

NOAH: But then, in one moment, I lost everything... (Cuts to Noah falling through a black background, and a car crash is heard)

KAIBA: That reminds me of a joke.

NOAH: ...my tragic death reminds you of a joke.

KAIBA: Why did the obnoxious, green-haired punk cross the road?

NOAH: What?

KAIBA: To show his friends that he had guts. And man, did he have guts!

NOAH: That's not funny.

KAIBA: I guess you had to be there.

NOAH: I was!

KAIBA: And that's why it's so funny!

(Cuts to Noah walking in the virtual world)

NOAH: (voiceover) My father constructed an entire virtual world to be my playground, built to suit my every whim. But eventually, I grew weary of my digital prison. And now I seek to return to the real world!

KAIBA: Oh hey, I have another joke.

NOAH: Another one?

KAIBA: Why did the paramedic cross the road?

NOAH: I don’t—

KAIBA: Because there was a dead kid lying in the middle.

NOAH: I’m going to destroy you now. Brace yourself, Seto, because things are about to get real wet.

KAIBA: What are you gonna pee yourself again?

NOAH: Meet my Deck Master, Shinato's Ark! (Shinato's Ark is seen floating above Noah) Get it Seto? My name is Noah, and my Deck Master is an ark!

KAIBA: A Bible reference? That seems a little inappropriate for a kids’ show.

YUGI: I don’t know, Kaiba, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad as your costume from last year’s Halloween party.

(Cuts to Kaiba tied on a rock with arms wide open)

KAIBA: Can you guess who I am?

WITTY PHANTOM: Uh…

KAIBA: I’m Jesus!

(Cuts back to Noah)

NOAH: You’ll never beat me, Seto! And do you know why you’ll never beat me?

KAIBA: Because if I beat you up you’ll go crying to mommy?

NOAH: No, it’s because—

KAIBA: Waaaaaah! Mommy! The big mean CEO jerk beat me in a card game! He.. he’s just so rich and successful and perfect and... it just makes me so mad! Waaaaaah!

NOAH: I don’t—

KAIBA: Waaaaaah!

NOAH: I don't—

KAIBA: Waaaaaah!

NOAH: Stop that

KAIBA: Wah.

NOAH: (Displaying a distorted face, thinking) Huhuhuh! Poor Seto! He has no idea what’s about to happen!

KAIBA: Oh my god! What’s wrong with his face? Guys, are you seeing this? What the hell’s wrong with his face?!

JOEY: (Displaying a distorted face himself with Yugi in a chokehold) I fail to see the problem!

KAIBA: What the hell is wrong with everybody’s face?!

NOAH: You can’t defeat me, because I possess the person you care about more than anyone else in the world!

KAIBA: Unless you’ve somehow kidnapped me without my knowledge, I think that’s impossible.

NOAH: Behold, Seto! (Mokuba appears in front of Noah) Your little brother now obeys my every command!

MOKUBA: Come at me, bro.

KAIBA: Mokuba! Snap out of it!

NOAH: That won’t work, I’m afraid. I brainwashed him to believe anything I say! Watch: Mokuba, which is your favorite Yu-Gi-Oh spin-off?

MOKUBA: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX.

KAIBA: No!

MOKUBA: Closely followed by ZEXAL.

YUGI: That is messed up.

KAIBA: You monster! He’s just a child! He doesn’t know what he’s saying!

NOAH: How does it feel, Seto? Knowing you’re about to lose your company and the only person who ever really loved you? (sniggering) HAHAHAHAHAHA!

KAIBA: Mokuba… You have to listen to me. Remember all the good times we had!

(Flashback of Mokuba locked in a prison from "Busted Rhymes")

KAIBA: Pegasus, I’m gonna make you pay for stealing my cards!

MOKUBA: And for kidnapping me, right Seto?

KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba, Mommy and Daddy are talking.

(Flashback of Mokuba watching TV from "Egyptian Exhibition Expo 2007")

MOKUBA: Hey big brother, can I watch SpongeBob?

KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.

(Third flashback)

KAIBA: What do you think, Mokuba?

YAMI: I’m not Mokuba.

KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba!

(Fourth flashback, Mokuba is holding a microphone while standing in the center of a crowded stadium)

MOKUBA: And here to make a very special announcement, my big brother, Seto!

KAIBA: (clears throat) Shut up, Mokuba!

(The crowd cheers)

(Cut back to Mokuba)

MOKUBA: I don’t really remember any…

KAIBA: No, Mokuba… You have to understand. Whenever I told you to shut up, what I was trying to say is that I lo… I luuuh… I luh… Ugh… Sorry, threw up in my mouth a little. What I’m trying to say is: I love you.

MOKUBA: Seto… You really mean that?

KAIBA: Yes, Mokuba.

JOEY: Hey Yug, do Kaiba’s fingers look like they’re crossed behind his back?

YUGI: Huh, now that you mention it…

JOEY: Hey Kaiba! How come your fingers are crossed behind your back?

KAIBA: Don’t listen to that guy, Mokuba.

MOKUBA: What, what is he saying?

KAIBA: He said… uh… Blah blah blah, I’m a crappy Duelist.

JOEY: Blah blah blah, I am not!

KAIBA: Hey Wheeler, does it look like my fingers are crossed now?

JOEY: Uh no actually, it just looks like you’re flipping me off… Hey!

MOKUBA: Seto, I love you too!

NOAH: No Mokuba, what about all the donuts I promised you?

MOKUBA: My brother is worth all the donuts in the world!

NOAH: But he doesn’t love you the way I do!

MOKUBA: I’m kind of okay with that actually, there’s only so much weird touching I can take. I’m gonna need a lot of counseling… I’m coming bro!

TÉA: Kaiba chose his own brother over the Duel!

YUGI: And that’s why he’ll never be King of Games.

JOEY: Kind of a dick thing to say, Yug.

YUGI: Yeah, but I’m still the king, bitch.

NOAH: Fine! So what if I lost Mokuba? I can still win this duel! Reveal my deck master’s true form! Mecha Shiva!

MECHA SHIVA: (as Noah merges with it after rising from the ground) Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva…

KAIBA: Mokuba…

(Mecha Shiva fires a beam at Kaiba and Mokuba, turning them into stone)

YUGI: Oh my god! He turned them both into statues! And Kaiba’s statue is smiling!

JOEY: It’s the puppy apocalypse!

MOKUBA: (crying) Shoulda gone with the donuts…

NOAH: (inside Mecha Shiva) HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now nothing can stop me from entering the real world!

YAMI: If you ask me, it sounds like someone needs a spanking. And I don’t mean the good kind of spanking! I mean the bad kind! Which could be good if you like that sort of thing. But it’s going to be bad. In a good way.

NOAH: Have we met?

YAMI: The name’s Yami! And I’m the guy who’s gonna be doin’ the spankin’!

DUKE: Oh not cool! He totally stole my move!

NOAH: In case you haven’t noticed, I just won the Duel! Kaiba’s body is mine! I’m free!

YAMI: Hah! You call that a body? On a scale of one to me, he rates a measly six and a half! And that’s being generous.

NOAH: And what? You think you’re a better candidate?

YAMI: Are you kidding? No, look at this body! I’m sexy and I know it! I work out! Plus I’m the King of Games. Would you rather be Kaiba and live the rest of your life knowing you’re only second best? Or stand tall at the top of the mountain? My body, Noah: Take it or leave it.

TÉA: I have the weirdest boner right now…

NOAH: Interesting. Very well, I shall allow you to continue the duel from where Kaiba left off.

YAMI: Sounds good to me. I’ll even use Kaiba’s lame-ass deck.

KAIBA: (unable to speak fluently since he was turned into a statue) Humph! Humph!

YAMI: Hm, let’s see what card he has…

(He takes Kaiba's cards on the floor. His hand contains Mind Haxorz, Niwatori, Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon, Shining Friendship, Kaibaman and Watapon.)

YAMI: Oh hoho, no! You’re kidding me! He uses this?! I thought that card was banned years ago!

KAIBA: (offscreen) Noooooooo…

YAMI: Kaiba has Watapon?! Oh my god I’m so blogging about this when we get home!

KAIBA: Son of a bitch!

YAMI: Hey, Joey! Watapon! Am I right?

JOEY: Heh! What a noob!

KAIBA: Ghnuuuh!

YAMI: Now, let’s make this Duel quick, because I have an urgent hair sharpening appointment I have to get to!

NOAH: You’re wasting your time! You can’t defeat someone with my powers! I have a brain the size of a planet! In this world, I am a god!

YAMI: Prove it!

NOAH: What?

YAMI: I don’t believe you, prove you’re a god! Do something impressive. Make me like Kaiba.

NOAH: I can’t do that.

YAMI: Tch! Some god you turn out to be!

NOAH: I AM A GOD!

YAMI: I had no idea that gods still wet the bed.

NOAH: Fool! You have incurred my anger! Now watch as I turn your friends into stone! First, Duke! (turns Duke into stone)

(SexyBack is playing, but the music is stiff)

YAMI: Huh.

NOAH: Then Serenity! (does the same with Serenity)

SERENITY: Aaaaaah!

JOEY: No Serenity! Great, now I’ve gotta win another tournament to fix this.

NOAH: Then Joey!

JOEY: Nyeeeeeeeh!

YAMI: And nothing of value was lost.

NOAH: Then Téa!

TÉA: Aaaaaah! Pharaoh… I… love… you…

YAMI: Wonder who that was.

NOAH: And finally, the robot monkey!

YAMI: No! Not the robot monkey! Oh… Manly fainting noises! Such… power… It’s… inconceivable… oh I can’t take it… losing… consciousness… smugness… fading… it’s… over… I can’t go on…

YUGI: (appearing as a ghost) Don’t lose hope, Pharaoh!

YAMI: What? Yugi!

YUGI: If you can’t believe in yourself, then believe in the Yugi who believes in the heart of the cards!

(Both of them are taken to Yugi's soul room)

YAMI: Ah! Where are we, my soul room? Aaah! (seeing Joey, Tristan, Serenity, Téa and Duke) Ghosts! Begone foul beings!

TÉA: Pharaoh, it’s us! Your friends!

YAMI: Begone foul beings! (Kaiba and Mokuba appear as well) Wait, what are you doing here Kaiba? Are you also one of my friends?

KAIBA: Only for the purposes of this hallucination.

YAMI: Are you going to tell me how to win this duel?

KAIBA: No, I’m here to warn you that if you so much as think of using my Blue-Eyes in this duel, I will never forgive you.

YAMI: Very well, Kaiba. I promise not to use your Blue-Eyes cards…

KAIBA: Good.

YAMI: ...unless it’s absolutely necessary.

KAIBA: No! Not even if it’s necessary!

YAMI: Okay, okay, geez! Why don’t you just marry the Blue-Eyes if you love it so much?

KAIBA: Believe me, I’ve looked into it.

JOEY: Yugi, take my card!

TÉA: And my card!

TRISTAN: I’m just here for the food!

SERENITY: Take my card, Yugi!

DUKE: And my card!

GIMLI: And my axe!

(Yami wakes up)

YAMI: How dare you treat my friends so shamefully?!

NOAH: Why do you keep fighting? There’s nothing in your deck that can stand up to my—

YAMI: Oh there’s something in my deck alright…

NOAH: What is it?

YAMI: Oh you’ll find out, I’m about to Summon it!

NOAH: Tell me!

YAMI: The card I have is… Kuriboh!

KURIBOH: Do da la, motherf*cker!

NOAH: Oh come on, that pitiful little card cannot—

KURIBOH: Do da onomnomnomnomnomnomnom! (leaps at Noah and bites his arm)

NOAH: Ahh! Gross! Mommy get if off me, get it off!

KURIBOH: Do da laaaaaaa…

(Noah flings Kuriboh away)

NOAH: Yuck! Note to self: Remember to get my shots when I enter the real world!

YAMI: And now, with Kaiba’s blessing!

KAIBA: Ugghhhhh…

YAMI: I summon his most powerful lame-ass monster! Attack, Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!

NOAH: AAAAAAAH! I can’t lose! I won’t lose! (his Life Points hit 0)

(Kaiba, Mokuba, Duke, Serenity, Joey, Téa and the robot monkey are back to normal)

JOEY: Nyeh? We’re back!

TÉA: Yugi must have won the duel with Kaiba’s lame-ass deck!

KAIBA: Aaaaand f*ck my life.

MOKUBA: Thanks for telling me you love me, Seto.

KAIBA: Aaand f*ck my life hard.

MOKUBA: Bro fist? (Kaiba punches Mokuba) Owww! That wasn’t a bro fist at all!

KAIBA: Felt like one to me.

NOAH: You’re not getting away that easy! Your nipples belong to me! I want your body, give it to me! Let me in… let me in!

YAMI: I have the weirdest boner right now!

(Dark clouds begin to appear)

GOZABURO: (offscreen) Oh yes, that’s right… touch him… squeeeeze him… make him work for it… That’s it Noah! If you don't got the cash, you don't get the ass! (Onscreen, he is shown as an image in the dark clouds) ...What?

(Ending: The original Thomas theme music plays again)

CAPTION: [apply for membership at thelollipopguild.com serious applicants only!]

(Stinger: cut to a palace in Ancient Egypt)

ATEM (as the Earl of Lemongrab from Adventure Time): This castle is in unacceptable... condition! UNACCEPTABLE! One million years' dungeon!

(Post-ending: Cuts to Dark Magician tied on a rock with arms wide open)

DARK MAGICIAN: Hey hey hey! Happy Halloween, everybody!

KAIBA: Let me guess, you're Jesus.

DARK MAGICIAN: This is awkward.

KAIBA: Yeah. Looks like one of us is gonna have to go home and change. And it's not gonna be me.

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