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Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Rafael, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Rafael's family, Dartz (voiced by Takahata101), Rex and Weevil, Yugi Muto, Alister

Running time: 14:17

TranscriptEdit

(advertisement; Precious Time, Glory Days plays)

YAMI: If you like Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged, then you might also enjoy actual Yu-Gi-Oh!, now streaming on Crunchyroll alongside Yu-Gi-Oh! GX season 4. Here's a trivia question: Who won the Duel between Jaden and myself in the final episode of GX? We'll give you the answer right after this episode.

(standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: The difference between me and Ash Ketchum? I've actually won a tournament or two.

(cut to Rafael at the end of a bridge)

RAFAEL: It's only a matter of time before the Pharaoh gets here. And when he does, I'll be ready. Ready to unleash justice. Ready for anything he could possibly throw at me.

(Yami arrives at the top of a cliff, riding on Copernicus)

YAMI: Hey, Blondie! Watch me totally make this jump!

RAFAEL: You know, there's a path leading down the other side of the-

YAMI: (ignoring Rafael) Yah, horsie, yah! (Copernicus jumps off the cliff, while Yami jumps off of Copernicus himself; Yami lands on the other end of the bridge, while Copernicus falls into the canyon) Nailed it.

RAFAEL: Okay. I wasn't ready for that.

(opening sequence)

(Yami crosses the bridge)

YAMI: Learned that trick from playing Super Mario World. I always sacrificed Yoshi for the sake of jumping a few extra inches.

RAFAEL: Oh, yeah? Well, I learned this trick from playing Super Mario Bros. (chops down the bridge by throwing axes; Copernicus neighs)

YAMI: Just took down that whole bridge, man! What are you, YouTube?

RAFAEL: No. I am your reckoning, Pharaoh. I am the one who will take your soul and destroy any hope you have of success.

YAMI: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to defeat you in a children's card game. And then justice will be served!

RAFAEL: I agree. Justice will be served! When I beat you!

YAMI: I'm talking about the kind of justice where the good guy wins and the bad guy loses.

RAFAEL: That's exactly what I'm talking about as well.

YAMI: Okay. So, we're on the same page?

RAFAEL: Yup. Because I'm going to win.

YAMI: Okay, let me explain this whole justice thing to you one more time (sun rises) because you seem very confused.

RAFAEL: I play Guardian Treasure!

YAMI: Wait--

RAFAEL: This card lets me draw two new cards (Sets a monster and a Spell/Trap Card), so long as I get rid of my entire hand.

YAMI: Hang on--

RAFAEL: It also allows me to draw an extra card every turn.

YAMI: Okay, but--

RAFAEL: Then I place a monster in Defense Mode. It's your move.

YAMI: Right. Um, time out. What are you doing?

RAFAEL: Playing the card game.

YAMI: Yes, but why?

RAFAEL: Because we're in a Duel?

YAMI: That's not how this works. We usually say we're going to play a card game, but then we spend the entire Duel making wisecracks and referencing Internet videos. Then at the end, I win and people laugh and have a good time.

RAFAEL: This time, none of those things are going to happen.

YAMI: Why not?

RAFAEL: Because we're not doing things your way anymore. And we never will again. Now, I'll say it one more time: It's your move.

YAMI: Uh... yes. Of course it is. Let me just take a look at my cards here (draws a card, which is Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts) and uh... (thinking) Oh God, what do I do?!

(cut to Duke recklessly driving Joey and Tristan through the desert while SexyBack plays in the background)

JOEY: Hey, Duke, I appreciate you giving us a ride to the Duel and all, but could you maybe turn the radio down a little? This song gets old real fast.

DUKE: For the last time, the radio isn't even switched on. Now strap yourselves in, boys! 'Cause like any given night with me, you're in for a rough ride. (the car jumps up a rock in the air as the boys brace themselves)

(cut back to Duel)

RAFAEL: What's the matter, Pharaoh? You act like you've never played this game before.

YAMI: I'll have you know that I am the king of this and every other game! Monopoly! Clue! Chutes and Ladders! I rule over all of them! Doesn't mean I understand them.

RAFAEL: But we're not playing just any game. Right now, we're playing Duel Monsters. Yet the only real monster I see on the field, is you.

YAMI: You keep acting like I'm the bad guy.

RAFAEL: Think about it: you don't have any memories of your time as Pharaoh. So it stands to reason that you could have been an evil Pharaoh.

YAMI: Interesting. So what you're saying is that morality isn't cut and dry. Even the best people have a darker half to their personalities and nobody is really perfect.

RAFAEL: No, I'm saying that having the ability to be evil makes you evil.

YAMI: Well that doesn't seem right.

RAFAEL: Evil isn't right. It's wrong.

YAMI: Look, all I'm saying is--

RAFAEL: Bad.

YAMI: Just let me explain why I disagree with--

RAFAEL: Evil.

YAMI: It's just that nobody can be completely--

RAFAEL: Stop being so evil!

YAMI: Okay. So I guess this season was written by someone straight out of kindergarten, then.

RAFAEL: Even if you knew how to beat me in this game, you couldn't. Because unlike you, I have a bond with my cards. (shows Yami his Backup Gardna and Guardian Grarl cards, which are old and worn out) They are my family.

YAMI: Maybe you should consider putting your family into a protective sleeve.

RAFAEL: My family is dead.

YAMI: Let me guess: killed by something evil?

(flashback)

RAFAEL: We were on a cruise line in the middle of the ocean. (cut to the cruise liner's interior, where Rafael and his family are having dinner; Rafael's brother gives Rafael a present) My family was rich beyond our wildest dreams, so obviously for my birthday, they got me the most expensive gift you could possibly give another person: a single trading card.

YAMI: (interrupts flashback) Why is everybody in this show either a super-rich asshole or from a broken home? Or in Kaiba's case, both.

(continue flashback; the cruise liner sails into a tidal wave)

RAFAEL: Our ship was hit by a tidal wave and I was washed up on the shore of an undiscovered island. The ocean had taken everything from me.

YAMI: Oh, I get it. You're like the edgelord version of Mako Tsunami.

RAFAEL: The edgelord version of who?

YAMI: Trust me, he's more memorable than your character will ever be. But please, Mr. Edgelord, continue lording those edges.

(continue flashback)

RAFAEL: I lived on the island for several years. Most people would be ruined by the experience. But somehow, it turned me into a young Fabio. There were drawbacks, of course. (cut to Rafael with his cards in a cave) Human language became lost to me. For a while, all I could say was "Zug zug".

YAMI: Haha, Zug zug! That's hilarious! You should go back to doing that; you'd be way more fun to talk to.

RAFAEL: One day, a mysterious island appeared just off shore. I swam out to it, but a tidal wave took me under the surface.

YAMI: The same tidal wave that killed your family! It's back for revenge! (Rafael starts to cry) Okay, so maybe I'm a little evil.

RAFAEL: When I was underwater, I heard a mysterious, enigmatic voice calling to me.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Wafael! Wemember my weards! We will meet again in the futuwe, when I will wecrewt you, and together, we will wavage the world, mayn!

RAFAEL: I couldn't understand a word of it. When I woke up, I was floating on a raft in the middle of nowhere, then a bunch of human beings saved me. And it was at that moment that I decided that all of humanity was evil and deserved be punished!

YAMI: Starting to notice one or two holes in your little story.

(cut to Rafael walking down a city block)

RAFAEL: As I grew up, I started to realize that everything around me was evil. (cut to Rafael and the spirits of Guardian Grarl, Guardian Eatos, and Guardian Kay'est watching the sunset from a pier) And then the island showed itself to me yet again.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Wafael! I have weturned, and it is time for you to weach your full potential and wewease the powah of the Oricalchamalos! (a ramp extends from the island's palace to the pier and Rafael and his monsters walk on it)

YAMI: Let me guess: you still couldn't understand him.

RAFAEL: No. This time, I understood perfectly. I understood that humanity is a blight on this world! The only way to fix things is to wipe all the evil off the face of the planet, starting with you, Pharaoh!

YAMI: Speaking of wiping, you must have gone through a lot of leaves on that island!

RAFAEL: Were you listening to a single word I said?

YAMI: In my defense, I listened to at least five of them. It's a new record for me. I Summon the magnificent Kuriboh brothers in Attack Mode!

KURIBOH BROTHERS: Do-da-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

RAFAEL: (over the Kuribohs) Those puff balls are no match for my Guardian monsters.

YAMI: What was that?

RAFAEL: I said, your little cotton balls are useless against the might of my--

YAMI: I can't hear you over here.

RAFAEL: Your Kuribohs aren't gonna last long against my--

YAMI: Okay, everybody, just quiet down already! Geez!

KURIBOO: La...

(cut to Rex and Weevil watching the Duel from a cliff)

REX: Uhuhuhuhuhuh. Yugi just put his balls on the field. Uhuhuhuhuhuhuh.

WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheheheheh. (laughing with Rex) Hey, Rex.

REX: Yeah, Weevil?

WEEVIL: Remember when we were two of the best Duelists in the region?

REX: Uhuhuhuhuhuh. You said "region".

WEEVIL: Oh, yeah.

(Rex and Weevil continue laughing)

(cut back to Duel)

RAFAEL: I activate Exchange! This card allows me to switch one of the cards in my hand with one of yours!

YAMI: (looks at his hand) I can't believe I'm trading away one of my trading cards. (gives the only card in his hand to Rafael) It feels so wrong.

RAFAEL: I think you'll be pretty pleased with what you got out of it. (gives the only card in his hand to Yami)

YAMI: Why, did you give me a "get out of Season 4 card?" (looks at the card he received) Uh! The Seal of Orichalcos! Why would you give this to me?

RAFAEL: The only way to prove how evil you are is to force you to use a card that makes you be evil.

YAMI: Um...

RAFAEL: And now to see what you gave me. (looks at the card, which turns out to be Watapon) Uh...

YAMI: What, you don't like it?

RAFAEL: Why do you even have a Watapon?

YAMI: Hey, I didn't judge you, Mr. My Cards are my Family.

RAFAEL: Actually, you did.

YAMI: I kind of did, didn't I?

(Yugi appears next to Yami as a spirit)

YUGI: Pharaoh, no matter what, you mustn't use that card! It takes people's souls!

YAMI: Don't worry, Yugi. There's absolutely no reason to even use it.

YUGI: That's right. There are no stakes involved in this Duel. Even if you lost this card game, nothing would change at all.

YAMI: Wait, what's that now? I could lose?

YUGI: Well yeah, I mean your dragon Timaeus is frozen in place and you really don't have that many Life Points left. But again, there's literally nothing at stake here and a single loss wouldn't really hurt--

YAMI: Curse you, Rafael! You've given me no choice!

YUGI: Wait, what?

YAMI: I have to activate The Seal of Orichalcos!

YUGI: No! No, you don't!

YAMI: Too late, it's activated! (the Seal appears on Yami's forehead) I hope you're happy, Rafael! The guy who totally made me do this against my will!

(Duke's car crashes into the canyon behind Yami; Duke, Tristan, and Joey slide down the cliff to watch the Duel with Rex and Weevil; Copernicus neighs)

REX: Whoa. Uhuhuhuhuhuh. That was cool.

JOEY: We got here just in time to watch Yug beat the sideburns of that creep.

WEEVIL: Um, heheheh. How did you guys get here?

JOEY: We rode in Duke's car. How'd you guys get here?

REX: We took a bicycle.

JOEY: Really seems like we should have got here first.

WEEVIL: Heheheheh. Rex says it's best not to think about stuff.

JOEY: Huh. I'm gonna try that. Wow, suddenly, everything makes perfect sense in this season.

TRISTAN: Welcome to my world, child.

(cut back to Duel with the Seal in play)

RAFAEL: Now do you see how right I was about you being evil?

YAMI: Yes, Rafael. I see exactly what you mean. And now that I know how evil I can be, I'm going to destroy you and everything you hold dear and bathe in the afterglow of your demise. (laughs evilly, disturbing Rafael)

RAFAEL: Well... well, good. I'm... I'm glad this worked out. (unenthusiastically) Yay.

(cut to Yugi in a void separate from the Duel)

YUGI: Pharaoh! No! You're being evil! Like Season Zero evil! You have to snap out of it!

YAMI: What's that, Yugi? Okay. Yugi says I should snap you in half.

YUGI: NO!

RAFAEL: Good luck when I've got my Guardian monsters on the field. (Sets a card) They'll protect me from anything.

YAMI: Look at you being all defiant! It's cute. But once I've assembled all my monsters (Yami currently has Dark Magician Girl on the field; he Summons Big Shield Gardna, Kuribabylon, Berfomet, and Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts), I'll hurl them at you with my Catapult Turtle, in a wave of deadly precision! (Yami Tributes Dark Magician to drop Rafael's Life Points from 2300 to 800) And as you've just finished telling me, a wave is all it takes to break you. It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-die! Any final words?

RAFAEL: Just this: I activate Celestial Sword!

YAMI: Well, it's hardly "either those curtains go or I do", but it's something, I suppose.

RAFAEL: With Guardian Eatos's special ability, I can remove all the monsters you've selfishly sacrificed and add their ATK points to my monster. (Dark Magician's card flies out of Yami's Graveyard and Dark Magician glares at Yami)

YAMI: No! (all of Yami's monsters stand in front of him) If only I hadn't discarded so many of my children's trading cards! The most evil thing a person could do! I'm basically Hitler right now! Please forgive me!

TRISTAN: Don't worry, guys. Yugi always figures out a way to turn things around at the last second! (the spirits of Yami's monsters are absorbed into Eatos' Celestial Sword) He'll win this Duel any minute now!

RAFAEL: Go, Guardian Eatos! Wipe out the Pharaoh's remaining Life Points, (the ATK of Eatos increases from 2500 to 10000) and take his soul!

(Eatos attacks Yami)

TRISTAN: Any minute now.

(the attack goes through, defeating Yami)

YAMI: Noooooooooo!

REX: No way! Yugi actually lost and stuff.

(everyone else watches dumbfounded, alongside Ellis Mbeh, who is wearing a Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged shirt)

TRISTAN: Any minute now.

(Rafael approaches Yami)

RAFAEL: Game over, Pharaoh. Thanks to The Seal of Orichalcos, I've now proven that everyone in the world has the potential to be evil. A fact that is common knowledge to anyone over the age of 10. Speaking of 10, that's about how many seconds you've got before the Seal rips the soul from your still-screaming flesh. (the Seal shrinks around Yami) I love being a good guy.

(Yugi shoves Yami out of the Seal's range)

YUGI: I've got this, Pharaoh!

YAMI: Yugi! What are you doing?

YUGI: It's funny. I always wanted to be like the Dark Magician. But compared to you, I'm just a Kuriboh. So I'm using my special ability.

YAMI: But that means--

YUGI: Yes. I'm discarding myself from the field, so that no harm comes to you.

YAMI: Yugi! Don't be a Kuriboh! (Yugi vanishes, his soul being taken by the Orichalcos)

(Yami falls to his knees in front of Rafael; behind Rafael, a helicopter piloted by Alister arrives to pick him up; Rafael clutches Yami's unmoving body for several moments while hanging from the helicopter's ladder before throwing Yami into the canyon)

JOEY: Yug, no!

TRISTAN: It's okay. He landed on the horse. (Copernicus neighs)

REX: Whoa. These Orichalcos guys rule.

WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheheh. Maybe they're gonna help us score.

(Rex and Weevil leave, laughing)

(Yami is rescued from the canyon; he starts to wake up)

TRISTAN: He's waking up.

(Yami gathers enough strength to stand)

JOEY: Yug, you had us worried there for a sec. But I knew you could do it. So tell us: how'd you manage to outwit Rafael and fool him into thinking you lost your soul?

YAMI: (sobs) Joey... Yugi... Yugi's gone... the light went away...

JOEY: Oh, right, you're probably still shaken by the fall.

(Yami continues to sob incoherently)

YAMI: Yugi fell down and I fell down...I lost the game...

JOEY: Don't worry, Yug, we'll give you a minute to regain your composure.

YAMI: Yugi... Yugi is gone and I'm alone and... (calms down) Okay. Okay. Okay.

(beat)

JOEY: Okay, I think he got it out of his system--

(Yami falls to his knees and starts crying again)

YAMI: Yugi!

(ending; "Billy Don't Be a Hero" from Bo Donaldson and The Heywoods plays)

CAPTION: [need a tissue?]

SPECIAL THANKS TO :
fedexfan1993
obeymyshinyrod
hasan
Charles Dooley
Vicky Emm
Ben Barker
Benjamin Harding
Chandra
Wandergirl108
Victory Dettlaff
obeymyshinyrod

(Crunchyroll advertisement)

YAMI: That's right, the extremely handsome fellow who won the Jaden vs. Yugi Duel was: (caption: Trivia Answer: The victor was never established; Yami covers the answer, with Jaden trying to compete) me! Myself! This guy! It's completely, unambiguously, canon! You can watch me Duel the pants off Jaden and many other memorable moments from Yu-Gi-Oh! GX Season 4 on crunchyroll.com! Remember, a true Duelist supports the official release!

TRISTAN: Any minute now.

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