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← "Joey Wheeler Ace Attorney" #51: "The Death Of Tristan Taylor" "Seto Kaiba vs. The World" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Tristan, Serenity, Duke Devlin, Zuul, Nezbitt, Kaiba, Mokuba, Jawa, Yugi, Joey, Téa and Noah.

Date: March 31, 2011

Running Time: 9:26

Transcript Edit

(Standard Flying Cards Opening)

YAMI: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the official product of 4Kids Entertain— Wait, what?

(In a grassy field)

TRISTAN: What a beautiful day! I don't think I've ever felt so good about life!

NESBITT: (unseen) Triiiiiiiiiistaaaaaaaaaaan!

TRISTAN: You guys hear that? The birds are singing! Isn't it beautiful?

NESBITT: Triiiiiiiiiistaaaaaaaaaaan!

TRISTAN: It's just the kind of thing that makes me happy to be alive!

NESBITT: You're gonna die, Tristaaaan!

TRISTAN: Hey! Wait a minute. (Holds a travel-size Monopoly) Who wants to play Monopoly?

DUKE ("SexyBack" plays in the background as he speaks): Only if I can be the dog!

TRISTAN: I'm always the dog!

DUKE: Okay. I'll be the car.

TRISTAN: (Grabbing Duke's shirt) I'm always the car!

DUKE: Okay then. I'll be the annoying douchebag.

TRISTAN: I'm always the annoying douchebag!

SERENITY: Suddenly, I miss being blind.

TRISTAN: I'm always the blind!

(Cue title sequence)

TRISTAN: (At the end of the title sequence) I'm always the opening title sequence!

(Cut back to the field)

NESBITT: (Disguised as a door) Triiiiiiiiiistaaaaaaaaaaan!

TRISTAN: (Thinking) That door knows my name.

NESBITT: Open me!

DUKE: Uhhhh, what'll happen if we open you?

NESBITT: You'll enter a world of deep, unending pain and torment. Oh, and uh, ponies.

DUKE: We don't care about your pon—

SERENITY: Ponies! I love ponies!

DUKE: Serenity, no—

(Serenity opens the door, which then cuts to Ghostbusters)

ZUUL: ZUUL, MOTHER F**KERS! ZU—

(Cut back to Serenity, who shuts the door)

SERENITY: That didn't sound like no pony!

NESBITT: You must have startled it.

DUKE: Yah, I'm not buying it.

NESBITT: Open me!

TRISTAN: Can we ride the pony?

NESBITT: ...sure.

DUKE: Tristan, it's going to kill us!

TRISTAN: But Duke! Free pony ride!

DUKE: There isn't even a pon—

SERENITY: Ponies! I love ponies!

DUKE: Serenity, no—

(Cue Iron Man whilst Tristan, Serenity and Duke are teleported)

SERENITY: Huh?

NESBITT: (Disguised as Robotic Knight with an electronic voice) Greetings, lower life-forms! I am Mecha Nezbitt, master of the 4Kids merchandise department! I control the horizontal, the vertical! Compared to me, you are nothing!

TRISTAN: You're not a pony!

NESBITT: Negative. I am a robot.

TRISTAN: It's not even a robot pony. We can't ride this guy, what a rip.

DUKE: Oh, we can ride him.

NESBITT: You three are by far the least marketable characters in the entire series! When I have acquired your bodies I shall turn you all into superior character designs with hip accessories like sunglasses and skateboards, plenty of attitude. (giving a thumbs-up) That's what appeals the kids these days. Your action figures will sell by the truckload!

TRISTAN: You'll never get away with this, Ne— Wait, will we have Kung-Fu grip?

NESBITT: No.

TRISTAN: You'll never get away with this, Nezbitt!

NESBITT: Initiating duel mode! (Cue Robot Rock while Duel Disk appears on Nezbitt's arm) If any of you try to help each other in this duel, you will forfeit the game, and be sent plummeting to your untimely virtual death! (echo resonates in Tristan's head) Death! Death! Death!

TRISTAN: (thinking) Oh my god! ...I think Duke farted.

SERENITY: Tristan! I've never even played this game before!

TRISTAN: It's all right Serenity, it's just like playing Dungeon Dice Monsters!

DUKE: No it isn't!

SERENITY: I've never played that either!

DUKE: Oh, you're both idiots!

(Cut to desert)

MOKUBA: Big brother, I don't wanna be on Tatooine! People might mistake me for a Jawa!

JAWA: (pops up from bottom-left corner of screen): Utinni!

KAIBA: (thinking) What the? That looks like Nezbitt's old research lab! But how can this be? I shut that thing down years ago...

(Cuts to a flashback)

KAIBA: (spins on his chair) Wheeeeee. I'm shutting down your research lab, Nezbitt.

NESBITT: Mr. Kaiba! I beg you to reconsider!

KAIBA: 'Kay.

(Research lab explodes)

NESBITT: But you said you'd reconsider!

KAIBA: I did. I was going to have the building renovated after I shut it down.

NESBITT: But why did you—

KAIBA: I reconsidered.

(Cuts back to Tristan, Duke and Serenity)

SERENITY: (flying across the room) Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh! Ow!

TRISTAN: Serenity, the duel hasn't even started yet!

SERENITY: I'm okay, Tristan. I'll just follow your lead and we should be fine.

TRISTAN: What? But I suck at this game!

SERENITY: You told me you taught Yugi everything he knows about Duel Monsters.

TRISTAN: I said no such thing!

(Flashback)

SERENITY: What's your favourite thing about trains, Tristan?

TRISTAN: Well, if I had to think about it, I'd have to say that I taught Yugi everything he knows about Duel Monsters.

(Flashback ends)

TRISTAN: ..in my defence, I thought that you were permanently blind. That... kinda... makes it... much worse, doesn't it? With any luck you're still blind and I can get away with it. ...are you blind now?

SERENITY: No.

TRISTAN: Dammit! I mean, hooray!

NESBITT: This is why robots are far superior to humans: your emotions will always get the better of you! Also, I have rocket-powered fists.

TRISTAN: Oh, come on, you don't have rocket-powered fi— (Gets hit by his rocket-powered fist) Aaarrrrgggghhhh! I stand corrected...

DUKE: This is the most disappointing three-way I've ever been part of.

(Cut to Yugi, Joey and Téa)

JOEY: Nyeeh! We gotta get outta this cave, man! Otherwise we'll be attacked by gay vampires!

YUGI: Err, Joey, don't you mean vampire bats?

JOEY: Nyeh, I know what I said!

(Cut back to Nezbitt)

NESBITT: I shall now attack the female!

TRISTAN: Oh no! He's going to attack Duke!

NESBITT: Negative. I said I was attacking the female!

TRISTAN: Don't worry Duke, I'll save you! Go, Super Roboyarou! Intercept the attack!

SERENITY: Tristan! You saved my life!

TRISTAN: I did? But I was trying to save Du—

SERENITY: That's the bravest thing anyone's ever done for me.

TRISTAN: And it was totally on purpose!

DUKE: Uh!

NESBITT: With your Deck Master destroyed, your virtual life is over, (gives a thumbs-down) and your body belongs to me!

SERENITY: Noooo! Tristan!

(Death of a President by brian tyler begins to play)

TRISTAN: It's okay Serenity. I've lived my life as nothing but a side character, fit only for spouting brainless quips and catchphrases. But now, I get to die the way I've always wanted: falling, screaming like a girl, into a pit of boiling hot lava, flesh being seared from my bones. If I do survive, I'll probably be unrecognisable. But if I do die, it'll be as a main character. It's funny; I used to think my voice gave me super strength. But now, I know the truth. And it's that my love for you is what really gives me super-strength.

DUKE: Oh! Duke Devlin is gonna throw up! But it'll still be very sexy. Somehow.

SERENITY: I love you!

TRISTAN: I know. (The trap door opens up and Tristan falls through) Arrrrrgggghhhh!!

SERENITY: Tristan! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

TRISTAN: Aaaaaahhhhh! I'm falliiiiiing!

SERENITY: (She starts to cry) He was the only man I ever really loved!

DUKE: Hey! What about Duke Devlin?

SERENITY: I mean emotionally, not physically.

DUKE: Oooooh, right. That's cool.

YUGI: Duke! Serenity! Are you guys okay?

SERENITY: Tristan's dead!

YUGI: And the bad news?

"TÉA": (Still controlled by Crump) Hey Duke! Remember me?

DUKE: Duke Devlin could never forget a body like yours!

"TÉA": Humminahumminahumminahummina (Voice changes) humminahummina (Voice changes back) humminahumminahumminaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (licks her lips)

DUKE: I'd still hit it.

NESBITT: You humans and your mating rituals. It's disgusting!

"TÉA": I'm not a human! I'm a penguinnnnn!

NESBITT: ...what?

"TÉA": I mean, I'm a man... woman... girl... A sexy, sexy teenage girl! Mmmmmmm, tentacle porn... (licks lips)

SERENITY: We're going to beat you and get Tristan back!

NESBITT: Easier said than done, especially after I transform into Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt, complete with my own theme music!

(Cue Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt (which is the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers theme music dubbed with Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt) whilst he changes into Perfect Machine King)

(Cut to Noah)

NOAH: Silly Nezbitt, you're not a real robot. Actually, it's quite sad. Deep down, you're just a scared little man. What a digital dummy!

(Cuts back to the others)

DUKE: Theme music battle! Go! (plays playdoughboy bootleg radio mix of his own theme, SexyBack).

NESBITT: (Hand gesture while Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt plays).

DUKE: (Continues playing SexyBack whilst looking angry).

NESBITT: (Clenches fist while Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt continues to play).

SERENITY: (Looking sad plays My Little Pony).

NESBITT: (Continues playing Super Giga Mecha Nezbitt and fires missiles at Duke).

DUKE: Aarrrrggghhh! Right in my sweet ass!

NESBITT: Try bringing sexy back now, human! You can't, because there's nothing sexier than a giant robot with rocket-powered fists!

YUGI: Oh! Come on! he doesn't have rocket-powered f— (gets hit by his rocket-powered fist) Gaaaaahhh!!! I stand corrected...

SERENITY: How are we going to beat him? He's just too powerful!

JOEY: Serenity! the only way to defeat a robot is by overloading his logic circuits! You'll have to confuse it to death.

SERENITY: Okay, Nezbitt! Which came first: the chicken, or the egg?

NESBITT: The rocket-powered fist!

SERENITY: But that wasn't one of the optio— (gets hit by his rocket-powered fist) Bdaaaaaaaahh! I stand corrected...

DUKE: (holds up picture of Yuma Tsukumo) You know, you could always just show him the picture of the new Yu-Gi-Oh! protagonist.

NESBITT: That picture is clearly a fake!

DUKE: Uh-uh.

NESBITT: Seriously?

DUKE: 'Fraid so, metal man.

NESBITT: Does not compute! Design... too... illogical! Cannot... comprehend... hairstyle! Yarrrrrrrrrgh! (Self-destructs)

YUGI: Well, it looks like that's the last we'll be seeing of Nezbitt. But no matter what, we can't forget the tremendous loss we've suffered today.

DUKE: Ya! We can never forget my sweet ass!

YUGI: Uh, yeah, but I was thinking more along the lines of Tristan. You know how he kinda died.

DUKE: Oh. Right. Ya, that was pretty sad too.

JAWA (pops up from bottom-left corner of screen): Utinni!

(Ending: "The Humans are Dead")

CAPTION:
[chicken <- egg <- rocket powered fist
take that, science]

(Stinger)

TÉA: I'm gonna send that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces.

Post-Ending

(Total darkness)

TRISTAN: Wha... What is this place? Where am I? Is this... heaven?

NOAH: Tristan Taylor... rise!

(Music fromStar Wars is played. Tristan finds himself in the mirror as a robot monkey.)

TRISTAN: No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o—

(Cuts to black)

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