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← "Penguin Ex Machina" #49: "The Incredible Hobson" "Joey Wheeler Ace Attorney" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi, Yami, Téa Gardner, Announcer, Penguin, Serenity Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Morgan Freeman, Crump, Gozaburo Kaiba, Seto Kaiba, Hobson, Mokuba Kaiba, Young Kaiba, Young Mokuba

Date: September 16, 2010

Running Time: 9:36

Transcript Edit

(A half-circle meter appears with an arrow at the far left; caption underneath meter reads "FLAT AS A BRICK")

YAMI: (Voice-over) Introducing the Jiggle-o-meter! (Jiggle-o-meter goes halfway, caption reads "BOOBALICIOUS") The bouncier the boobies, the stronger the reading! (Jiggle-o-meter goes to end, caption reads "FAYE VALENTINE" in red) It's fun for all the family!

(Star Fox's "Corneria" plays in the background while Yugi runs through a virtual corridor. The Jiggle-o-meter appears in the upper right corner of the screen)

YUGI: Man, this virtual world is starting to feel more and more like Tron, only with less motorcycles and more card games! (catches breath) God, my lungs are on fire, it feels like I've been running for days!

YAMI: Yugi, it's been eight seconds. (Music stops)

YUGI: (snaps back) Lay off man! I'm in pretty good shape! I play card games all the time. I'll have you know I can lift two decks at once... That's impressive, right?

YAMI: Keep running, Yugi. The plot has to be around here somewhere...

YUGI: Yeah, speaking of which, weren't we in the middle of a tournament when all this crazy Noah [bleep] started? What exactly happened with all that?

YAMI: Hmm, maybe the writers went on strike again.

YUGI: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... we have writers?!

(Title sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Cancelled Series)

TÉA: Thank God I'm no longer surrounded by those loud, obnoxious creatures! (Jiggle-o-meter starts reacting at this point) It was starting to feel like an anime club down there. (voice-over) But what am I supposed to do now? If only there were a convenient dream sequence around here that could show me the way...

(Dream sequence starts)

YUGI: Hey, Téa. Earth to Téa! Hey, are you in there? It's your convenient dream sequence.

TÉA: Hey, Yugi! My eyes are freakishly large today.

YUGI: Mine, too! Hey, look at this card. It's the Dark Magician Girl! Remember how much you like the Dark Magician Girl?

TÉA: No, actually, I think this is probably the first time I've even seen this card.

YUGI: No-no-no, you love this card! In fact, you like it so much that you once went to a Broadway show all about the Dark Magician Girl. Critics called it the most poorly conceived musical since Pokémon Live!

(Broadway show starts, "Breaking Free" from High School Musical plays in background. Dark Magician Girl appears, with a censor reading "NSFW" over her crotch area.)

TÉA: Wow, at least this is better than Cirque du Soleil.

ANNOUNCER: And now, how about a volunteer from the audience?

(Téa turns into Dark Magician Girl)

TÉA: Oh crap, I knew I should've worn (Staff takes her into air) pantiiieeeeeeesss!!! Hey, it's Yugi and Yami! And they're staring right at my good stuff! This is the happiest day of my— (Téa wakes up, a penguin is in front of her) —penguin!!!

(Penguin squawks with English subtitles)

PENGUIN: Come with me if you want to live.

TÉA: Hey, can you introduce me to that one penguin who's voiced by Elijah Wood? He's dreamy.

PENGUIN: You dare to mock the penguin order?!

TÉA: Penguins are so cute. I want one!

PENGUIN: I will peck out your eyeballs and feed them to my kin.

TÉA: Awwww, such a cute little guy!

(Scene cuts to virtual valley, Serenity is being chased by a "Mad Sword Beast"; Hans Zimmer's "Stampede" from The Lion King plays in the background)

SERENITY: Ahhhh! Somebody get this f*ckinging dinosaur away from me!

(Cuts to Tristan and Duke on top of the virtual castle, watching Mad Sword Beast chase Serenity)

TRISTAN: (marveling) What a majestic beast... (shouting) I must destroy it!! Here I come, Serenity! (jumps off the castle and lands on Mad Sword Beast's back) Oww, my scroat! This is for killing Littlefoot's mom, you jerk!

(Duke cuts in and grabs Serenity's hand)

DUKE: Hey baby, mind if I take your top off real quick?

SERENITY: Huh? (gets dragged off by Duke)

TRISTAN: Serenity, look! I'm finally becoming a— (Mad Sword Beast jumps into a lake with Tristan still on its back) —maaaaan!!! (resurfaces and gasps for air) It wasn't a meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs... it was Tristan Timothy Taylor!

(Guitar riff from "Slaughter" by Billy Preston in the background)

CAPTIONS: TRiSTAN 'timothy' TAYLOR

[that's his name, now]

(Cuts to Serenity and Duke holding hands)

SERENITY: I'm glad I could help cure you, Duke.

DUKE: Ha ha, the pleasure was all yours!

TRISTAN: (Watching and whining from lake edge) But I killed the dinosaur!

(Cuts to Téa and the penguin, climbing and scaling through virtual land, while Morgan Freeman's head is narrating)

MORGAN FREEMAN: And so, the penguin struggles on through unbearable weather conditions. Why does the penguin do this? Nobody knows. But we'll film it, and get Morgan Freeman to narrate the whole thing, and call it a documentary. That's the beauty of nature. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go catch Kevin Spacey, with the help of Brad Pitt.

(Téa ends up in an ice castle, surrounded by more penguins)

TÉA: Where the mother-crap is this?!

(Crump's voice emanates from the room)

CRUMP: Welcome, Téa Gardner, to Penguinopolis! Home of the mighty penguin empire! Isn't it beautiful? Nothing but penguins as far as the eye can see. (Penguins move to reveal a table. Crump appears on it a moment later, as Nightmare Penguin.) Crump's the name, and penguins are my game. Second member of Team 4Kids and head of programming. You remember Viva Piñata? That was me!

TÉA: You're insane!!

CRUMP: You just don't understand the beauty of the penguin! They're so aerodynamically perfect. Can't you see it? The shape, the smell, (slurps) the taste of penguins. Penguins, penguins!!! (echoes)

TÉA: Are you finished—

CRUMP: Penguins.

TÉA: Stop saying penguins!

CRUMP: I can't help it! I love penguins.

TÉA: Eww!

CRUMP: Platonically.

TÉA: Oh.

CRUMP: And physically.

TÉA: Ewwww!!!

CRUMP: And I love the thought of having my own body even more! And so, Téa Gardner, (mumbling, reading file in hand) age 16, sneaker size 6, bra size F... I challenge you to a children's card game!

TÉA: Wait, how did you get all that information about me?

CRUMP: The penguins told me.

TÉA: How the hell do the penguins know my bra size?!

CRUMP: The penguins know everything!

TÉA: Listen, you creepy old man... penguin... thing. I'm not going to duel you and that's final!

CRUMP: (taunts) Friendship suuuuuucks.

TÉA: Oh, it is on, in a manner similar to that of Donkey Kong!

(Téa activates the Duel Disk on her arm, while the English-dub Yu-Gi-Oh! theme plays)

(Cuts to Yugi and Yami in virtual Tron-like tunnel)

YUGI: These doors must be our way out of here. I'm gonna try one of them. (Runs towards one) Here goes— (Door shocks Yugi and throws him back) —owwwww!! Urgh.

YAMI: And that, Yugi, is what happens when you try to do things on your own.

YUGI: That door just bitch-slapped me!

YAMI: Yes, that door may be our greatest foe yet. And I'm not even kidding.

YUGI: Look, the doors all have symbols above them. One star, two stars, three stars, and four stars. (Logo of Team Four Star appears above the fourth door)

YAMI: (unenthusiastically) Oh lovely, a rejected puzzle from a Professor Layton game. That's just fan-tucking-fastic.

YUGI: OK, there's only one way to solve this problem— by challenging the door to a duel! (activates his Duel Disk)

YAMI: (unenthusiastically) Of course.

(Cuts to Kaiba and Mokuba watching their younger memories in Gozaburo's mansion)

KAIBA (off-screen flashback monologue): Not long after we were adopted, Gozaburo took us to live with him in his mansion.

GOZABURO: Hobson tells me that you haven't been keeping up with your studies.

CHIBI-KAIBA: Oh, you mean the giant-faced mutant you have posing as a butler?

HOBSON: (Appearing over Young Kaiba) HOBSON SMASH!!!

GOZABURO: (As if talking to a dog) HOBSON!! No Smash! No! Smash bad! Smash very bad!

HOBSON: Hobson sorry!

GOZABURO: That's better. Now go tend to the silverware.

HOBSON: (under breath) Hobson not really sorry.

CHIBI-KAIBA: Why do you even have me doing all this work? I'm already a child prodigy, what more do you want?!

GOZABURO: I want you to become every bit as cold-hearted as me. I want to project every last bit of my hatred onto you. (Under his breath, said quickly) But-most-of-all-I-want-you-to-become-the-vessel-of-my-other-dead-son.

CHIBI-KAIBA: What?

GOZABURO: Nothing.

CHIBI-KAIBA: No seriously, what?

GOZABURO: (in falsetto) Nothing!

CHIBI-KAIBA: No seriously, it sounded like you said something—

GOZABURO: HOBSON! How's that silverware coming?

HOBSON: (Offscreen) Hobson polishing!

(Cuts to Chibi-Mokuba in his room)

CHIBI-MOKUBA: The way they treat Seto stinks. But I know how to make him smile.

HOBSON: (talking to himself, while young Mokuba is in the hallway) One day Hobson smash everything! Then Hobson make them do silverware!

CHIBI-MOKUBA: Hey Hobson, can you give this textbook to Seto?

HOBSON: Hobson suppose.

CHIBI-MOKUBA: Thanks, Hobson! You're the best!

HOBSON: You nice to Hobson. Hobson not smash you.

(Cuts to Chibi-Kaiba resting on the sofa in his room)

CHIBI-KAIBA: Man, what a day. I don't even wanna look at another textbook.

HOBSON: Hobson have textbook for Seto.

CHIBI-KAIBA: Go [bleep] yourself, Hobson.

HOBSON: (short pause) Hobson doesn't know how to.

CHIBI-KAIBA: Wait! This book has trading cards inside! Mokuba must have sent them to me. (Finds crude sketch of Blue-Eyes White Dragon) And look! It's a Blue-Eyes White Dragon! Mokuba made me a "Blue-Eyes" card. One day, I know I'll have the real thing in my deck. And then, when I'm rich, I'll create a Duel Academy where every kid can go to learn how to play card games! ...Nah, scratch that idea; it's stupid.

(Cuts to Kaiba and Mokuba watching from balcony)

KAIBA: Urgh, I want that Blue-Eyes card. Mokuba, take it from him!

MOKUBA: But, Seto, that's you!

KAIBA: Just do it, Mokuba!

(Cuts to virtual ice valley where Téa and Crump are battling; Kesha's "Tik-Tok" plays in background)

TÉA: I choose the Dark Magician Girl as my Deckmaster!

CRUMP: Ahh, now that's what I call a DMILF.

TÉA: A DMILF?

CRUMP: A Dark Magician I'd Like to F—

TÉA: Yuck! God, what is wrong with you, you perverted old creep?

CRUMP: Allow me to tell you an unnecessarily explicit detail. When I was a young boy, the only pet I ever wanted was a penguin. I loved penguins. I respected penguins. I worshiped penguins. Penguins were everything to me. And now that I'm all grown up, guess what I want to be...

TÉA: A penguin?

CRUMP: A woman!

TÉA: Ahhh!!

CRUMP: That's right. When I take your body, I'll be free to live out my fantasy of being a young teenage girl... in Japan!

TÉA: The only person who's going to take my body is Yugi and/or Yami!

(Cuts to Yugi watching the duel from inside a glacier)

YUGI: Yami, look! It's Téa! And she's playing a card game with a penguin. That's not fair! She's never even played Duel Monsters! (bangs on ice)

YAMI: Uhh, what about the time she dueled against Mai Valentine... and won.

YUGI: She's never played Duel Monsters! (bangs on ice twice)

YAMI: Or the time she dueled Joey in episode 2... and won.

YUGI: (voice-breaking) She's never played Duel Monsters!!

CRUMP: It's useless, Téa. When I fire off my Penguin Torpedo, your Life Points will be reduced to 0! And your shapely teenage girl body will be all mine! Whahahahahahahaha! I... [bleep]ing... love... penguins!

TÉA: OK, Téa, this is where all your years of experience finally pay off!

YUGI: (in distance) You've never played Duel Monsters!!

TÉA: I summon Graceful Charity in Attack Mode!

(Music stops)

CRUMP: Graceful Charity is a Spell Card.

TÉA: Oh... ummm, Mirror Force?

CRUMP: No.

TÉA: Uhh... okay... uh... duh... just... hang on... give me a minute here... I'll— I'll think of—

(Torpedo hits Téa before she gets to finish, Life Points hit 0)

CRUMP: WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PENGUINS!

(Téa blacks out, battle is over, Yugi heads over to her)

YUGI: Téa? Téa? Can you hear me? Are you all right?

CRUMP: (in Téa's body) Oh Yugi! My hero! I missed you so much! Waaaah!

YUGI: Uhh, Téa, are you feeling okay?

CRUMP: I am now that you're here, Yugi.

YUGI: Well, that's good. Anyway, We should probably get going—

CRUMP: By the way, Yugi, do you like penguins?

(Jiggle-o-meter goes away)

YUGI: Penguins?!

(Dramatic music plays as camera zooms into Téa's left eye, revealing Crump in it)

CRUMP: (voice-over) WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! PENGUINS...

(Ending: George Clinton's "Walk the Dinosaur" from the Super Mario Bros. Movie plays)

CAPTION:
[the word 'penguin'
just lost all meaning]

(Stinger: the Yugi from Season Zero appears)

YUGI: You're lying! I never hit you! You're tearing me apart, Lisa!

(Post-Ending:)

PENGUIN: (again squawking with subtitles)
Tune in next time for our
50th episode anniversary!

"Joey Wheeler - Ace Attorney"

Penguins not included.

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