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← "A Tale Of Two Tournies" #36: "The Man Who Would Be Steve" "Single White Shemale" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Mokuba, Kaiba, Marik, Odion, Joey, Téa, Serenity, Tristan, Steve 1, Steve 2, Steve 3, Steve 4, Duke, Steve 5, Mai, Bully, Steve 6, Grandpa, Bakura

Date: 15 March 2009

Running Time: 8:51

TranscriptEdit

Intro

YAMI: It's the Yu-Gi-Oh! drinking game! Take a drink every time we mention "friendship".

(A small counter with the Millennium Puzzle beside it appears on the lower-right corner of the screen.)

(Joey sees the helicopter land.)

MOKUBA (off-screen, in the helicopter): Check it out, bro! Joey's down there!

KAIBA (off-screen, in the helicopter): Quick, Mokuba! Land on top of him!

(inside the helicopter)

YAMI: No, wait! Something is wrong! (cut to an evil-eyed Joey) He looks slightly more brain-dead then usual. (Cut back to Yami) I wonder how this will affect... (Zooms in on Yami's face) our friendship! (Friendship count: 1)

KAIBA: I still say we land on him. (Yami glares at him) Come on, it'll be funny.

Title Sequence

Marik and Odion, on a boat somewhere

MARIK: Once more, those fools have fallen into my evil clutches. Now I shall force Yugi to duel the one he loves most... and according to all the fanfiction I've read, that would be Joey.

ODION: But Master Marik, it is obvious that Yugi is in love with Téa.

MARIK: What? No way! That's insane! What kind of messed-up fanfics have you been reading?

Outside, on the docks

YAMI: Joey! Snap out of it!

JOEY: (echoing voice) There is no Joey. There is only Steve.

TÉA: (also with an echoing voice) That's right, Pharaoh. Our names have both been legally changed. We take orders from Marik now. (slowly) Tehehehehe!

YAMI: Téa has been Steved! This is horrible... and yet strangely erotic.

MOKUBA: They've been brainwashed, Seto!

KAIBA: Personally, I blame the rap music.

JOEY: In this duel, once a player's Life Points reach 0, they will have 30 seconds before the anchor drags them to the bottom of the sea. The winner will be given the chance to free himself. However, if neither duelist wins by the time the counter reaches 0, then they will both drown.

KAIBA: Stop this duel immediately! It violates Battle City tournament regulations, just like 90% of the other duels that I refused to stop.

JOEY: I wouldn't do that, Kaiba! If you interfere in this duel, then your precious Téa will be crushed to death.

KAIBA: No! Not Téa! ...Mokuba, which one is Téa? Is that the one with the pointy hair and the Bullwinkle voice?

In the city

SERENITY: When I take off my bandages, I want the first thing I see to be my big brother playing a card game.

TRISTAN: Don't hold your breath! I hear card games are very rare on this show.

STEVE 1: We want the girl.

TRISTAN: Hey, back off! I already called dibs.

Back at the docks

JOEY: It's useless, Pharaoh. No matter what you do, one of your friends (count: 2) is gonna die.

YAMI: Forget my "friends" (count: 3)! What the hell happened to my jacket? It's bloody freezing out here.

TÉA: Don't worry, Pharaoh! I shall sing the most beautiful song in the world and the Power of Friendship (Count: 4) will do the rest! (singing) "Once upon a time I was falling in love..."

YAMI: (while Téa continues singing) Suddenly, drowning sounds a lot more appealing.

Back to Tristan carrying Serenity. They are surrounded by three Steves

STEVE 2: Looks like there's nowhere left to run, kid.

TRISTAN: Bring it on, you lousy Steves!

one of the Steves gets hit by a die as "SexyBack" plays in the background

STEVE 3: Ahh, that barely hurt!

DUKE: You guys are making me sexy. You wouldn't like me when I'm sexy.

TRISTAN: It's the witch!

Back at the Docks

YUGI: Pharaoh! You have to let me take over! I'm the only one who can break through to Joey.

YAMI: Oh yeah? How do you figure?

YUGI: Have you seen my face? Seriously, I'm so cute people have mistaken me for a baby panda. Just one whimper out of me and he'll be the Joey we know and love again.

YAMI: You mean you're not a baby panda?

YUGI: N-n-nope.

YAMI: Wow, you're good.

YUGI: Joey, you have to remember our friendship (count: 5)! Remember that we are friends (count: 6), and friends (count: 7) don't give up on each other because of their friendly (count: 8) friendship (count: 9)! BFF (count: 10), man!

MARIK: Oh, what the [EFF!] is this bullcrap? I wanted to duel the Pharaoh, not this little dickweed! This gives me effeminate fury!

YUGI: Take my puzzle, Joey. It used to represent my main character status, but now it's become a symbol of our everlasting friendship (count: 11), and I want you to have it, but I swear, if you get so much as a scratch on it I'm gonna kick your blond butt into next week.

JOEY: Yugi's... puzzle...

MARIK: Do as I command, Steve! Take his puzzle and throw it into the ocean! The power of my midriff compels you!

JOEY: I will obey... Master Marik.

KAIBA: Wake me when somebody summons a God card.

Back in the city, with "SexyBack" playing it the background when Duke Devlin speaks

DUKE: Those Rare Hunters are right behind us!

TRISTAN: We gotta get out of here! Did you bring your broomstick?

DUKE: For the last time, I'm not a witch!

TRISTAN: In that case, it looks like I'll have to do this the hard way. Take care of my love interest while I'm gone.

DUKE: Don't worry, Serenity. You're in good hands with Duke Devlin. Very good hands.

STEVE 2: Hey, get out of our way. We have official Steve business to take care of.

TRISTAN: I don't think so!

STEVE 5: Just who in the hell do you think you are?

TRISTAN: The name's Tristan Taylor, and for the next 5 minutes, you guys are officially my bitches.

Mai almost hits Duke and Serenity with her car as they cross the street

MAI: Hey buddy, watch where you're walking! Didn't you see the red light?

DUKE: Yeah, but I figured that it was just because I'm surrounded by hos. (Mai's face looks shocked) Oh no I didn't!

In a park; the three Rare Hunters are sprawled around beaten

TRISTAN: What country are you from?

STEVE 4: What?

TRISTAN: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?

STEVE 4: What?

TRISTAN: English, mother[bleep]er, do you speak it?

STEVE 4: Yes, I speak English!

TRISTAN: Describe what Marik Ishtar looks like.

STEVE 4: What?

TRISTAN: Say "what" again! Say "what" again, I dare you, I double-dare you, mother[bleep]er, say "what" one more goddamn time!

Duke, Mai and Serenity drive up to Tristan

DUKE: Hey, Tristan, check it out! Can you say, "Duke Sandwich"?

Back at the Docks

MARIK: I command you to throw that piece of puzzle into the ocean! Friggin’, friggin’ do it!

JOEY (thinking): This is just like before, when I first met Yugi.

Flashback

YUGI: I won’t let you hurt them! They’re my best friends (count: 12)! Even if they always steal my lunch money and give me wedgies, flush my homework down the toilet, beat me up, set fire to my comic books, and throw my ancient Egyptian artifacts into the pool.

BULLY: I’m going to become a motorcycle-riding security guard. In the future!

YUGI: What does that have to do with anything?

BULLY: Nothing whatsoever!

YUGI: It is heavily implied that you are kicking the ever loving crap out of me!

JOEY (voiceover): And as Yugi filled his pants with urine, I finally understood the true meaning of friendship (count: 13).

End flashback

MARIK: Hey, what’s the [EFF!]ing holdup!? Stop having a flashback and throw that [EFF!]ing puzzle.

JOEY: No... I... can’t... do it...

Téa continues singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart"; Tristan and others arrive

TRISTAN: What’s going on here? Why’s Téa singing? And why’s Joey dueling a baby panda?

MOKUBA: It’s a long story.

TRISTAN: I’ve got time.

JOEY: It’s over, Yugi! I activate Meteor of Destruction!

YUGI: Joey!

JOEY: Yugi! Oh god, what have I done!

Glass shattering sound; Marik’s control releases

YUGI: You did it.

MARIK: Oh no, what kind of cheesy Care Bears bull[bleep] ending is this!?

YUGI: I activate Mystical Rift Panel! Now I can aim your attack wherever I choose to, Joey, and I choose myself.

JOEY: Yugi! No!

YUGI: I just wanted you to know how important your friendship (count: 14) is to me, Joey. It means even more to me than card games.

JOEY: You can’t mean that!

YUGI: Yes, I do. And so, I’m willing to sacrifice myself and go to the Shadow Realm in your place.

JOEY: Um... yeah... about that... This isn’t actually a Shadow Game, Yugi. You’re really going to die.

YUGI: Hey, [bleep] off. Don’t yank my chain.

JOEY: No, seriously, you’re going to drown.

YUGI: What! Hey, I take it back! Your friendship (count: 15) isn’t worth that much!

JOEY: Nyeah?

YUGI: Hell, Tristan’s a better friend (count: 16) to me than you are!

TRISTAN: In your face, Joey!

STEVE 6: This isn’t looking good. I’d better kill the girl.

KAIBA: Time to do what I do best!

He locks on to Steve 6’s hand using V.A.T.S. system from Fallout 3, throws card and knocks controller out of the Steve's hand

STEVE 6: Dude! Uncool! Who does that?!

KAIBA: This is for making me waste a perfectly good trading card. (he tackles Steve 6)

The real "Total Eclipse of the Heart" plays as Meteor of Destruction hits Yugi

YUGI: God, no friendship (count: 17) is worth this much pain.

JOEY: Yugi! Oh god, I’ve gotta save him!

Serenity removes bandages from her eyes and opens them

SERENITY: I can see!

JOEY: Here I come, Yug! (Swings from chain while making Tarzan yell) Nyeaaa--

SERENITY: It’s my brother!

JOEY: --aaah! Whiplash!

Anchor falls, taking Yugi and Joey with it

TRISTAN: Come back, baby panda!

JOEY: (thinking) Must... risk life... for best friend (count: 18). (He unlocks Yugi’s leg cuff) Goodbye, Yugi. Don’t remember me as Steve. Remember me as Joey Wheeler.

Yugi resurfaces

EVERYONE: Yugi!

MOKUBA: If Joey's dead, can I have his trading cards?

TRISTAN: Quick, somebody get this guy some bamboo!

MOKUBA: ‘Kay. (Sees Serenity diving) Woah!

As the final refrain of "Once upon a time I was falling in love..." plays, Serenity dives in and saves Joey. They resurface together

JOEY: Serenity? You saved me.

SERENITY: When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was you. I just had to rescue you, Joey, because no matter what happens between us I will always love my big brother.

JOEY: Yeah, I didn’t get a word of that. By the way sis, you still owe me for those driving lessons.

Song ends

YUGI: Hey Joey, “How did it come to this,” I mean “After all we’ve been through? Two of a pair, now on opposite sides.”

JOEY: Yeah, “From the very start with honor we’ve dueled.” ‘n stuff. “Watched each other’s backs and,” you know, “battled with pride.”

YUGI: “We’re closer than brothers. And now we have to fight each other.”

YUGI and JOEY: (singing) “And we trust our fate to the heart of the cards!”

TRISTAN: “No matter what!”

YUGI and JOEY (off-screen): “We’ll let the games begin.”

TRISTAN: “No matter what!”

YUGI and JOEY: “We’ll let the best man win.”

KAIBA: (thinking) I love this song.

Ending: "No Matter What" plays

CAPTION:
[duke is the fourth
jonas brother]

(count: 19)

(The caption and friendship counter disappear in time with the last two beats of the song.)

Stinger

BOBASA: I can break his [bleep]ing back. Break his back, make him humble, and then [bleep] his ass.

Post-ending: At a hospital. The friendship counter reappears.

GRANDPA: Don’t worry, Bakura. Soon you’ll be right as rain and you’ll be able to play with your friends (count: 20) again.

YAMI BAKURA: (thinking) Ooh, I can’t wait. Hehehehe...

(Fade to black)

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