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← "Perfectly Ultimate Bunghole" #32: "The Worst Of Both Worlds" "Harpoonshipping" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yugi Muto, Jean-Luc Picard, Commander Shelby, Worf, Geordi La Forge, William Riker, Wesley Crusher, Marik Ishtar, Odion Ishtar, Strings, Yami Yugi, Yami Bakura, Ishizu Ishtar, Tristan Taylor, Joey Wheeler, Seto Kaiba

Date: December 31, 2008

Running Time: 8:53

TranscriptEdit

The episode starts with a parody of a Star Trek: The Next Generation two-part episode, "The Best of Both Worlds"

YUGI: Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!...

JEAN-LUC PICARD (with Yami's voice): Mr. Worf, dispatch a sub-space message to Admiral Hanson. We have engaged... the Borg.

(Scene of the Enterprise attacking the Borg with laser beams)

CAPTION: [ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PHASER BEAMS!]

COMMANDER SHELBY (with Tea's voice): All you know is how to play it safe. If you can't make the big decisions, Commander, then I suggest you make room for someone who can.

(A Borg appears on the Enterprise bridge)

WORF (with Kemo's voice): Whee! (attacks the Borg but gets punched) Ow, my hair!

JEAN-LUC PICARD: (is taken prisoner by a Borg) Hey, what the--!? Ah... Aw... Oh, God...

GEORDI LA FORGE (with Serenity's voice): If we can generate a concentrated burst of power, that same frequency distribution...

WILLIAM RIKER (with Joey's voice): How do we do dat?

WESLEY CRUSHER (with Tristan's voice): The main deflector dish!

JEAN-LUC PICARD: I am Locutus of Borg. From this time forward, you will service... us.

Dramatic pause

WILLIAM RIKER: Mr. Worf... fire!

(Blackout)

YUGI: And now the conclusion...

Title Sequence

(on Marik's ship)

MARIK (singing, Gilligan's Island theme plays in background):
Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip!...

ODION: Master Marik, we should be arriving in Domino City in approximately four episodes.

MARIK: Excellent! That gives us time for at least one children's card game! By the way, from now on I want you to call me The Skipper. And you, you can be Gilligan!

ODION: As you wish, Master Marik.

MARIK: Excellent! Now to awaken the newest addition to the family Steve!

(Battle City streets)

(Some bystanders look at the motionless Strings.)

FEMALE BYSTANDER: Dude! [This street artist is a genius]

MALE BYSTANDER: Dude! [I concur!]

MARIK (telepathically to Strings): Rise and shine, my little mind puppet!

(Strings jumps and runs away.)

MALE BYSTANDER: Dude! [Dude!]

Yugi, and Yami's spirit, stand by a river in Battle City.

YUGI: I only just realized, Pharaoh, but you haven't got a reflection. Is there something you're not telling me?

YAMI: Yugi, I'm an ancient spirit living inside your body. Of course I don't ha--

YUGI: Don't lie to me! You're a vampire, aren't you?

YAMI: It's the middle of the day.

YUGI: Well, that proves nothing...

YAMI: I never should have let you read Twilight.

MARIK (through Steve the Mime): We meet once again for the first time, Pharaoh!

YUGI: Marik, you coward! Why do you keep using innocent bystanders as pawns in your deadly game?

MARIK: Innocent? Are you kidding me?! Have you seen this guy?! He's got piercings all over his body! You've got to be pretty [EFF!]ed up to agree to something like that!

YUGI: He's still a human being!

MARIK: He's also a mime.

YUGI: Oh. In that case, yeah, I'll kick his ass!

YUGI and YAMI: Wonder twin powers activate! Form of...an Egyptian homosexual!

YAMI: Now, Marik, I shall take control of Yugi's body to defeat you in a children's card game!

MARIK: Oh, right, because when I take control of somebody to make them play a card game, that's pure evil, but when you do it, it's like you're Mother friggin' Teresa!

YAMI: Geez, this guy's nothing but a whiny teenager with magical powers. He's Harry Potter, that's who he is.

YUGI: Well, why don't you just suck blood from his neck, Nosferatu?!

Yami Bakura is standing outside Domino Museum

YAMI BAKURA: Interesting. My gaydar has led me to this museum. I hope it's not another false alarm; the last time this happened it was at a Kevin Spacey autograph signing, and everybody knows he's as straight as a die. I like that word... die.

Inside the museum, in front of the memory stone

ISHIZU: Oh mighty giant rock, sometimes I think you are the only one who truly understands me. What's this? (shot of Yami Bakura) I sense an evil presence approaching. Well, I wouldn't want to get involved with the plot, so I guess I'll just go hide.

YAMI BAKURA: Such a powerful source of gay energy, and it's mine for the taking! (Ring goes limp) Oh, blast... I knew I should have recharged the batteries before I left the house this morning. (Yami Bakura walks towards the giant rock) Ahh, this is no ordinary giant rock. It's also a giant plot device. And very soon, I shall use it to destroy the Pharaoh and everything he holds dear. Give or take a few hundred episodes.

(Cut back to the duel)

MARIK: You call yourself a pharaoh, but you don't even know how to use your power. That's why destiny has chosen me to take it from you.

YAMI: What power are you talking about?

MARIK: Foolish fool!! I'm talking about the power to look good in leather.

YAMI: That power belongs to me, and me alone! And maybe 'N Sync, but mostly to me. And I won't let you take it without a fight.

MARIK: We'll see how strong you are when you're trapped inside my Nightmare's Steelcage. (Cage forms around Yami)

YAMI: (grunts) Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.

MARIK: (dramatic music plays) And now, I summon the Egyptian God card. Slifer the Executive Producer!

(Slifer roars and says "I hunger")

YAMI: Holy Mumm-Ra! Look at the size of that thing. It makes Kaiba's ego look positively minuscule.

MARIK: (laughs evilly) Cower in fear, Pharaoh. Because Slifer is going to executive produce the crap out of you!

Cut to Joey, Tristan, Tea and Grandpa

TRISTAN: Joey, what's the matter with you? You haven't played a card game in one whole episode. You gotta get back in the game, man!

JOEY: No. From now on, I only duel minor characters from Season One. That's how I roll.

TRISTAN: But, Joey--!

JOEY: That is how I roll, Tristan!

(Kaiba and Mokuba enter)

KAIBA: What the hell is going on here? I specifically requested that Joey Wheeler be banned from my tournament! Somebody must have f*cked up big time.

JOEY: Hey Kaiba! You're a minor character from Season One! How about a duel?

KAIBA: There wasn't a single word you just said that didn't make me want to kill you.

(Kaiba's helicopter descends)

PILOT: Mr. Kaiba! Our scanners have detected that an Egyptian God Card has been summoned somewhere in the city! If you climb on board, we'll take you to the signal's location!

KAIBA: And now I have a boner.

(Cut back to the duel)

MARIK: You're finished, Pharaoh. For every card I have in my hand, Slifer's attack power increases. And with my Revival Jam in play, you can't hope to touch my life points. Now I play the Card of Safe Return, which allows me to draw three more cards every time my Revival Jam is sent to the graveyard. It's your move, Yugi. (laughs evilly)

YAMI: You know something, Marik? Dueling you is like playing on the Nintendo Wii; it got boring after about five minutes.

MARIK: Silence! Soon, you will be crushed, and people all over the place will marvel at my leather-clad tushy.

(Slifer says "Run, coward")

YAMI: (kneeled down) He's right. How can I hope to defeat an Egyptian god card?

KAIBA: Quit your sniveling, Yugi. (Yami looks up at Kaiba) Just because this guy has an Egyptian god card, that doesn't mean he's going to win. You and I both know that there's more to card games than having the most powerful monsters. A true duelist doesn't rely on his cards alone. If you want to win this match, you're going to have to take a page out of my book and screw the rules!

YAMI: He's right, and I know just how to do it. (stands up) I'll use Brain Control to take control of his Revival Jam. Now, every time Slifer destroys my Revival Jam monster, he'll be forced to draw three new cards. And when Revival Jam returns to the field, Slifer's special ability means it has to attack any new monster that appears, starting the whole process over again. This will continue until he no longer has any cards left in his deck, rendering me the winner by default.

KAIBA: Yugi, you took advantage of a glaring flaw in the Duel Monsters rulebook. Truly, you are an honorable duelist.

MARIK: Fools! It doesn't matter if you take Slifer the Executive Producer, for I have an even stronger God Card up my sleeve. Soon I shall arrive in Domino City, where my Steve squad is already preparing to capture your beloved friends Téa, Tristan and Joey. And don't bother trying to find them, for they are masters of disguise.

YAMI: Damn it! I have to save my friends. (runs off)

KAIBA: See, Mokuba? This is why I don't let you have friends.

(More than a Feeling plays while Marik rides his motorcycle)

End credits. Song continues playing.

CAPTION:
[nope, not even boston
can make marik look
cool on a motorcycle]

Stinger

(Yami, as Chef, sings "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls", while multiple Kuribohs start appearing)

Post-ending

MALE BYSTANDER: Dude! [I don't think he's coming back...]


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