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← "O Mokuba, Where Art Thou?" #54: "They Saved Tristan's Brain" "Stepbrother's Sin" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Yugi Muto, Seto Kaiba, Duke Devlin, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor (as robot monkey), Téa Gardner, Marik Ishtar (voice only, during opening), Evil Tristan, Gansley, Crump, Serenity Wheeler, Noah Kaiba, Melvin, Bitchy Door, Shimon Muran, Johnson, Naruto, Nesbitt, Lector

Running Time: 10:55

TranscriptEdit

(Standard Flying Cards Opening)

YAMI: I used to be a Duelist like you, but then I took a card game to the motorcycle.

(Cut to the middle of a desert highway)

YUGI: Don't worry, Kaiba. Now that we've teamed up, your evil step-brother won't stand a chance.

KAIBA: You're joking, obviously. What could I possibly stand to gain from teaming with you idiots?

YUGI: Constant support?

DUKE: ("Sexyback" plays in the background) Catchy theme music?

JOEY: Shipping fodder?

TRISTAN: (still a robot monkey) Bananas!

TÉA: Also we have these! (stands in front of Kaiba with her arms stretched wide and her breasts pushed out forward)

KAIBA: Those are... very nice, but I'm not interested. I'm going after Noah, on my own terms.

TÉA: But does Noah have these?

KAIBA: God, I hope not.

(Cut to title sequence, similar to that of Dragon Ball Z Abridged)

(Marik sings to the tune of "Cha-La Head Cha-La")

MARIK:
Doo be do bee do be do bee
Cha-la, Frig Cha-la
This show's about people playing card games
And lots of ve-ry sex-y men...
Sparking!

(End title sequence. A logo appears: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series)

EVIL TRISTAN: (He stands on a cliff, high above Yugi and the others) Mwahahahahahaha!

YUGI: It's Tristan, the evil version!

JOEY: How can you tell?

YUGI: This one isn't drooling all over your sister.

EVIL TRISTAN: Yes, it's me, Evil Tristan! And this time I didn't come alone!

GANSLEY: (as a ghost over Tristan's body) With all five of us controlling Tristan's body, there is no way we can lose.

CRUMP: (over Gansley's shoulder) Hey, Gansley! Dibs on the blonde guy's sister.

GANSLEY: You can't just call dibs on someone's body!

CRUMP: Mmmmm, I'm afraid I just did.

EVIL TRISTAN: (as Crump) I like redheads almost as much I like penguins. (licks lips)

JOEY: ...Are we sure that's not the regular Tristan?

EVIL TRISTAN: So it all comes down to this—the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged versus Team Four Star.

YUGI (correcting Tristan): Kids.

EVIL TRISTAN: What?

YUGI: Team 4Kids.

EVIL TRISTAN: What did I say?

YUGI: Team Four Star.

EVIL TRISTAN: What is that, what even is that?

YUGI: I don't know, but you're going to pay, 4Kids! We're going to do to you what you did to One Piece—cut you into a thousand tiny pieces so that even your own creator won't recognize you!

EVIL TRISTAN: Nonsense! The test audiences loved our version of One Piece.

(Cut to Naruto The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show)

IRUKA: Guess what, Hokage? I was the guy who test screened the 4Kids One Piece dub!

HOKAGE: (deadpan) That makes way too much sense.

(cut back to Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged)

JOEY: Shouldn't you guys be challenging Kaiba? I mean, he's the one who pissed you off.

EVIL TRISTAN: Kaiba's body belongs to Master Noah. As for the rest of you, Yugi's body will belong to Gansley.

YUGI: Ergh, that freaky fish guy?

GANSLEY: I am not a freaky fish guy!

EVIL TRISTAN: Joey's body will belong to Leichter.

JOEY: Nyehhh!

EVIL TRISTAN: Nesbitt will take Tristan.

TRISTAN: Bananas!

EVIL TRISTAN Crump will take Serenity's body. (licks lips)

SERENITY: Meep.

EVIL TRISTAN: And Johnson will take Duke.

DUKE: This is the only time I'm ever going to say this to anybody... but I would never let you have my body.

TÉA: Wait, I didn't hear my name!

EVIL TRISTAN: Yeah, you're free to go.

TÉA: Why don't any of you want my body?

YUGI: (offscreen) I want your body.

TÉA: Why doesn't anybody want my body?

EVIL TRISTAN: Well, nobody really wants Crump's sloppy seconds. Not even Crump.

(Cut to Kaiba climbing stairs somewhere)

KAIBA: Oh my God! So many stairs! I'd like to find whoever invented the stairs, and push him down these stairs, just to show him how stupid stairs are! Then his legs will be broken, and he will no longer be able to climb the stairs any more! It'll be ironic, and then his wife will leave him and go be with the man who invented the elevator, because everyone knows that elevators are much sexier than stairs, and oh my God, I'm not even close to being at the top yet, why are there so many stairs?!?

(Cut back to the main cast)

EVIL TRISTAN: There's nothing in your decks that can prepare you for this fight!

YUGI: Is that so? Well look at your deck, then back to me, now look at your deck...

YAMI: ...now back to me. I'm an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh! Hello, ladies! (His Duel Disk activates)

EVIL TRISTAN: Even in this worthless body you're no match for us, Yugi!

YAMI: That's my worthless friend you're talking about. (He points in front of the screen) It's time to duel!

JOEY: I can't let you do this alone, Yug.

YAMI: You're right, Joey. With you by my side, you'll make the perfect distraction!

JOEY: A-Neyehh!?

YAMI: Partner.

JOEY: A-Dyehh.

EVIL TRISTAN: Master Noah has placed each of us into this body. It's five on two, and the odds are in our favor.

YAMI: Huh, five men in one body, eh? Sounds like a typical day for Mai Valentine. Am I right?

JOEY: Yug, she's in a coma!

YAMI: Am I right?

JOEY: It's just very inappropriate is all.

YAMI: Yes, but... am I right?

JOEY: Yugi!

YAMI: Joey! Am...I...right?

(Cut to Kaiba at the top of the stairs at last)

KAIBA: (thinking) By Richard Branson's beard! That's Kaiba Land... my amusement park! But Kaiba Land isn't going to be built for another 4 years! How could Noah possibly know what it looks like?

KAIBA: (opening his mouth, acting like Mokuba) But big brother, we already saw Kaiba Land in Season One!

KAIBA: (back to thinking) Shut up, Mokuba! ("Mokuba" echoes) ...Huh, just isn't the same when he's not here.

(Cut back to the card game)

EVIL TRISTAN: Hahahahaha! How does it feel, knowing you're about to be defeated by the most worthless Yu-Gi-Oh! character of them all?

YAMI: The joke's on you, Team 4Kids, because Jaden Yuki isn't even in this duel!

JOEY: Man, Tristan sounds so evil and threatening! It's nothing how he usually sounds! I'm freaking out here! It's just like that one time I watched the Singapore dub.

(Cut to the Singapore dub portrayal a la Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

YAMI: Dude, Yugi! I think Téa wants to date you! You should wear one of those awesome silver bracelets! Now let's get on our mondo-awesome skateboards and order some bodacious pizza!

YUGI: Tubular idea, Pharaoh!

(Cut back to card game)

JOEY: Jeez, and people say my accent is inappropriate.

EVIL TRISTAN: Since I'm the Evil Tristan, I'm going to do the one thing regular Tristan never could!

YAMI: You're going to get us to like you?

EVIL TRISTAN: I'm going to destroy Tristan's best friend Joey Wheeler!

JOEY: Woahohohohoh. You got it all wrong, pal. Yugi's his best friend, not me!

YAMI: Hey now, don't sell yourself short there, Joey. We all know you guys got along like a house on fire.

JOEY: Yeah, a house filled with people burning to death. That was us. Come on, Yug, you guys were closer than brothers.

YAMI: I hated my brother.

JOEY: Oh, didn't even know you had one.

YAMI: That's because I hated him! Besides, I distinctly remember you saying, and I quote, "I am awfully fond of Tristan. Nyeh! Brooklyn rage!"

JOEY: Well, I definitely recall you saying "It's time to duel... with my best friend Tristan!"

YAMI: That sounds nothing like me! When have I ever said any of those things?

(Cut to Kaiba watching a projector film)

KAIBA: What the hell is this supposed to be? Noah's home movie collection? Nice outfit, dork.

(Scene changes to the film)

NOAH: I'm so happy, father. Nothing short of my untimely death could ruin things now.

(film cuts to a car)

SERENITY: Joey! Stop this crazy thing!

JOEY: Apply the handbrake, ya dumb broad!

(Car crash, scene changes to Kaiba)

NOAH: (offscreen) Arghhh! How very untimely!

KAIBA: Did I just watch a snuff film?

(Cut to Melvin still trying to access the door from the previous episode)

MELVIN: 9997!

BITCHY DOOR: Access denied.

MELVIN: 9998!!

BITCHY DOOR: Access denied.

MELVIN: Nine nine nine nine!!!

BITCHY DOOR: Access approved.

MELVIN: Yes! I am henceforth known as the ruler of all doors! Every single door shall bow before me and open at my command! I am the master of unlocking!

(door opens, revealing a second door behind it)

BITCHY DOOR: Please enter secondary password.

MELVIN: Noooo! Curse you, door! From this day forth I swear vengeance! I shall hunt down your kind and murder them into extinction— (Psychopathic Yami Face Thing happens) Oh my god, what's happening to my face? This has never happened before, what the frig?

(Cut back to card game)

EVIL TRISTAN: Once we inhabit your bodies, we're going to enter the real world and take control of the Kaiba Corporation once more!

YAMI: Really? You're... just going to walk up to Kaiba Corp looking like a bunch of school children and ask nicely if you can run the company?

EVIL TRISTAN: That is our flawless plan.

YAMI: That plan is as stupid as I am pretty! And I don't know if you've noticed this, but I am a damn handsome man. Now watch this, Joey! I'm going to trick them into activating my trap card. Wink wink.

JOEY: Yug, ix-nay on the ap card-tray. (Yug, nix on the trap card.)

YAMI: What?

JOEY: Eep-kay iet-quay about the ap card-tray. (Keep quiet about the trap card.)

YAMI: I don't understand.

JOEY: Ugi-yay, alking-tay about the ap card-tray is angerous-day. (Yugi, talking about the trap card is dangerous.)

YAMI Did you go insane? Is that what's happening?

TÉA: He's speaking to you in pig Latin.

YAMI: Silly Téa, pigs don't speak Latin. Nobody would understand them, it's a dead language. Now watch me totally trick these guys into activating my trap card. Wink wink. ...wink.

JOEY: Ugi-yay, I'm ying-tray to arn-way ou-yay. (Yugi, I'm trying to warn you.)

YAMI: Joey, you're Japanese, you're supposed to be speaking English.

JOEY: Fine, your trap card isn't going to work!

EVIL TRISTAN: Oh, it's a trap card.

(Trap card gets destroyed)

YAMI: Good one, Joey. You made them see right through my elaborate ruse. You're the worst distraction ever.

EVIL TRISTAN: You couldn't begin to imagine the monster that lurks in my deck!

YAMI: TELL ME!

EVIL TRISTAN: Oh you'll find out! I'm about to summon it!

YAMI: TELL ME!

EVIL TRISTAN: No I'm not going to t—

YAMI: TELL ME!

EVIL TRISTAN: What's wrong with this guy?

JOEY: Yeah, you should probably just tell 'im. He can be very insistent.

(Cut to various different places)

YUGI: You'll never guess what I got you for Christmas, Pharaoh!

YAMI: TELL ME!

SHIMON: My Pharaoh, is there anything else that I, a humble servant, can do for you?

YAMI: TELL ME... a bedtime story.

TÉA: Hey, Pharaoh, you'll never guess what happens at the end of the new Twilight book!

YAMI: I don't read crap.

(Back to card game)

YAMI: TELL ME!

EVIL TRISTAN: Fine! Behold, our ultimate Five-Headed Dragon! Hahahahahahaha!

YAMI: Don't worry, Joey, we already defeated this thing in episode 21, remember?

JOEY: Yeah, but in that episode we had Kaiba and Mai helping us out.

YAMI: Oh yeah. Hey, whatever happened to Mai anyway? Heh, probably off powdering her nose or something.

(Cut to a comatosed Mai in a hospital bed, then back to Yami)

YAMI: It's funny because she's a woman. Am I right?

JOEY: Yug, why do you hate women so much?

YAMI: Why wouldn't I hate women? I mean they hate me.

JOEY: What?

YAMI: Yeah, that Marik chick is always saying how much she despises me.

JOEY: Err, Yug, I don't know how to tell you this, but Marik's a guy.

YAMI: What!? That's crazy!

JOEY: I know.

YAMI: But look at the way she dresses!

JOEY: Totally a guy.

YAMI: That's crazy... What about Bakura, is she—

JOEY: Bakura's a guy.

YAMI: That's crazy! And what about Téa, guy or girl?

JOEY: She's a girl.

YAMI: Ohh... That's crazy! Anyway, I should probably finish this duel... but that's crazy!

JOEY: Yeah.

YAMI: OK, where was I? Oh yes. (Yu-gi-oh English dub first season theme music plays) Now, Mirage Knight, wipe out their remaining life points and remove them from the virtual world forever!

EVIL TRISTAN (as the Five-Headed Dragon is destroyed): Noooooooooooo!

YAMI: Ha, they went down faster than Mai Valentine after a couple of martinis! (He gives a thumbs up) Am I right?

JOEY: Yugi, for the last time...

YAMI: Am I right?

JOEY: Yugi...

YAMI: TELL ME!

Ending: "Dragon Soul" from Dragon Ball Z Kai plays. A logo appears: Yu-Gi-Oh! the cancelled series

CAPTION:
[special thanks to kaiserneko, lanipator,
takahata101, masakox and hbi2k for
lending their voices to the big five]

(Stinger: in an abandoned warehouse)

YUGI (voiced by Dan Green, thinking): Wait, this seems familiar! There's only one player I know whose deck is filled with machine cards! (aloud) Show yourself!

(The player that Yugi mentions stands on his duel podium, and is dark-clothed and hooded. He takes off his hood and reveals himself as Bandit Keith.)

BANDIT KEITH: (Mr. McMahon's voice) It's me, Austin!

MALE OFF-SCREEN VOICE #1: (WWE announcer Jim Ross) Aw, son of a bitch!

MALE OFF-SCREEN VOICE #2: (WWE announcer Jerry Lawler) WHAT!?

BANDIT KEITH: It's me, Austin! (closeup on Keith's eyes) It was me, all along, Austin!

(Post Ending: Noah banishing the Big Five)

NOAH: You five have failed me for the last time. Now I'm going to banish you to the darkest corners of the Internet! Hahahahaha!

GANSLEY: (at Megaupload) Hello? Is anybody there? Why is this place so empty?

JOHNSON: (at The Dangerous Box) In all my years on the stand, I can honestly say, I've never seen so much slander.

NARUTO: (in one of two video screens on Chatroulette) Are you a naked girl?

NEZBITT: (on another screen) Negative. I am a robot.

NARUTO: A naked robot?

NEZBITT: Robots have no need for clothes.

NARUTO: So why aren't you naked?

LEICHTER: (at Fanfiction.net) Oh sweet lord of the south, I don't know what's worse. The grammar, the porn, or all this un-American japanimanay. Huh, wonder what happened to Crump.

CRUMP: (as Nightmare Penguin, at 4chan, with lots of penguin pictures) Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguin Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins Penguins...

(The screen blacks out with a thud)

(Post Ending 2: Giant Yami)

TÉA: Giant Yami, we've brought you a sacrifice so that your will might be appeased!

YAMI: (His voice echoes like a giant's) Fetch me a better one!

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