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← "Rex & Weevil Do Atlantica" #73: "Throw Haga From The Train" "Right In The Feels" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Seto Kaiba, Joey Wheeler, Duke Devlin, Tristan Taylor, train conductor Téa Gardner, Dartz (voiced by Takahata101), Rafael, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Celtic Guardian, bystanders, guy who doesn't like references (voiced by 1KidsEntertainment)

Running time: 13:40

TranscriptEdit

(standard flying cards opening)

YAMI: I was barely in the new movie. But I still got paid more than Kaiba.

KAIBA: (angrily) It's bullcrap!

(at a train station)

JOEY: How come you can't come with us to Florida, Duke?

DUKE: (his theme music is distorted) Usually, I would, but I haven't charged my batteries in four seasons, and if I don't stay put my theme music is gonna keep slowing down until it stops altogether.

TRISTAN: We're on our way to save the world! And it's all thanks to California's reliable public transit system! Next stop, Florida!

CONDUCTOR: The train at Platform 5 has been delayed because someone dropped their Watapon card on the tracks. Somehow, this will take well over an hour to correct. We would apologize for the inconvenience, but you knew what you were signing up for when you bought the ticket. (Yami and co. leave the train)

TRISTAN: Well, this is awkward. Hey, let's play a game to pass the time! I'll go first. (cut to a depressed Yami, then back to Tristan) I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "T". (a T appears on screen) Anybody? Come on, anybody? It's "train". (the "T" becomes "Train") Come on guys, that was an easy one. Okay, round 2. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with..."T". (another T appears on screen)

(opening sequence)

(the train is finally moving)

TRISTAN: It only took five hours, but we're on our way!

JOEY: I'm glad we spent all our money on this bag of potato chips and generic brand soda.

TÉA: (thinking) That's weird; the Pharaoh usually loves generic brand soda. Without Yugi, he just isn't himself. (talking to Yami) Hey, Pharaoh.

YAMI: Mm-hm.

TÉA: I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk.

YAMI: Mm-hm.

TÉA: And if there's anything any of us can do to help... (Yami gets up from his seat)

YAMI: Mm-hm.

TÉA: ...then just feel free to—

YAMI: Mm-hm.

(Yami opens the door leading to the other train car and closes it behind him)

TÉA: —ask.

TRISTAN: Hey, Téa. Did you notice the way I'm sitting?

TÉA: What?

TRISTAN: Pretty cool, huh? I'm calling it the "cross leg corner sit down technique". Trademarked Tristan Taylor.

TÉA: Tristan, the Pharaoh is having an existential crisis.

TRISTAN: You know what's a real crisis? The fact that nobody else is sitting like this.

(cut to the joint between train cars)

YAMI: Yugi...

CONDUCTOR: This is your driver speaking. It appears that we'll be late getting to Florida as the station is being used for a Duel Monsters tournament. And there's a bunch of holograms on the tracks, looking like a delay of up to about... 8 hours. (Yami punches the wall) Aaaand somebody just punched the train, so that's another 2 hours on top of that.

(Yami slumps to the floor)

YAMI: Yugi...

(cut back to inside of train; it is now empty except for Joey, Tristan, and Téa)

TÉA: You guys notice anything weird?

TRISTAN: Yeah, it's almost like everyone on this train magically disappeared.

JOEY: How the hell did we miss that?

TRISTAN: Well, I was busy coming up with a revolutionary new sitting technique.

TÉA: There'd better be a good explanation for this.

(cut to Dartz's lair; Rafael approaches a kneeling Dartz)

RAFAEL: Master Dartz, how did you manage to make all the passengers on that train disappear?

DARTZ: Magic.

RAFAEL: Th-that's it? I was...kind of hoping that there'd be more to it than—

DARTZ: Nope. Magic.

RAFAEL: Well, where did they go?

DARTZ: Magic Laynd.

RAFAEL: I was going to ask you why your hair isn't changing color anymore, but I'm guessing it was magic.

DARTZ: Naw, mayn, I just washed the dye out of it. I'm a natural tur-kwoi-see.

(cut back to train; the train's links break off)

JOEY: Holy crap! The cabin just separated!

TÉA: Oh, no! Pharaoh!

YAMI: Don't worry, Téa! Just throw me Joey's Deck and I'll take care of this! (Téa ignores Yami's orders and leaps to the other cabin; Yami catches her) Or you can just jump across, I suppose.

TRISTAN: (over the runaway trains' noise) Just f*ck already!

YAMI: What's that? I couldn't hear you over the train!

TRISTAN: I said, just fu—

(Joey and Tristan's train screeches to a halt, while Yami and Téa's train continues speeding out of control)

YAMI: I guess we'll never know what he was suggesting.

(cut to Joey and Tristan, stuck in the middle of nowhere)

JOEY: Great. We're stuck in the middle of nowhere. (he and Tristan leave the train) Now it'll take us forever to get to Florida. (watching Yami's and Téa's train speeding out in the distance) In other words, slightly faster than taking the train the whole way!

TRISTAN: Hey, look! (spots Rex in the train car) It's a minor antagonist! I bet he's going to antagonize us!

JOEY: What the hell, Rex? Weren't you just hanging out with the Orichalcos guys? How'd you get back to California and get on this train so fast?

REX: I guess I'm full of surprises, Wheeler.

JOEY: Whoa, that wasn't a sex joke or a reference to a '90s cartoon. What gives here?

TRISTAN: The antagonizing has begun!

(cut to Téa trying to call the operator with the intercom)

TÉA: Hello? Can anyone hear me? No answer. Something must have happened to the driver.

YAMI: Great. Now how is he supposed to not get us there on time? (leaves)

TÉA: Where are you going?

YAMI: (on the train's balcony) Without a driver, this train is out of control! (dramatically) I gotta get in there!

TÉA: There could be a hatch on top. Let's climb this ladder.

YAMI: (getting ready to climb, dramatically) I gotta get up there! (normal voice) Just promise you won't look at my butt.

TÉA: (dramatically) I gotta get in there!

YAMI: (makes it to the top) I said don't! (he discovers Weevil Underwood on top of the train) Weevil! Only you could be evil enough to make a bunch of people disappear and then detach part of a train from the rest of the train!

TÉA: Let me guess, you're gonna call us "fartknockers" or "buttmunches" or something.

WEEVIL: Sorry to disappoint you, but after I'm done Dueling you, all I'm going to be calling you is... "loser"!

YAMI: Won't that be a bit weird when I win?

TÉA: Pharaoh, listen to him!

YAMI: People usually call me the winner when I win!

TÉA: His voice is so different!

YAMI: Maybe he's possessed by the spirit of a mighty Pharaoh who wins all the games he plays! Oh wait, that's meee!

WEEVIL: That's not all that's different, Téa! Allow me to introduce my newest card, The Seal of Orichalcos! (laughs and activates the Seal, knocking Téa off the train and into the one behind her)

YAMI: Téa! Did you make sure the viewers saw your butt when you fell?

TÉA: Yeah.

YAMI: Thank goodness for that; it was vitally necessary!

(cut to Joey's Duel with Rex)

JOEY: Okay, Dino-Dork, what gives? First your voice sounds different, and now you're working for Dartz and his goons?

REX: You don't understand, Wheeler. (cut to Dueling field, where Rex has activated his own The Seal of Orichalcos) The Orichalcos doesn't just give us the power to take people's souls, it also gives us the power to retcon stupid-ass decisions! Like making me sound like Butt-head!

JOEY: I don't know, Dino-Brain. You still sound like a Butt-head to me.

TRISTAN: Joey! If you lose the Duel, you lose your soul!

JOEY: (thinking) Tristan's right. I gotta weigh my options here. I gotta decide if I can justify taking this kid's soul and leaving him nothing but an empty shell.

REX: By the way, I memorized several dozen dinosaur puns, just so I could use them in this Duel, (draws his opening hand) so I hope you're ready for the mammoth beating you're about to receive, Wheeler! Because, Jurassic's mine! (Joey and Tristan are unimpressed) Get it? It's like "your ass is mine", except it's—

JOEY: Okay, yeah, let's do this.

(cut to Yami's and Weevil's Duel)

YAMI: I Summon the Sexually Frustrated Celtic Guardian!

CELTIC GUARDIAN: I'm so sexually—oh f*ck, I'm on a train!

WEEVIL: Sorry, Yugi. But thanks to Parasite Caterpillar's effect, all your monsters transform into Insects! (Celtic Guardian destroys Parasite Caterpillar, then suffers from the destroyed monster's effect) And my Insect Barrier card prevents any Insect monsters from attacking me! You're powerless! (laughs)

YAMI: Man, this guy is really bugging me! Get it Téa? "Bugging me?"

TÉA: Yeah, I get it.

YAMI: You didn't laugh, though.

TÉA: I'm kinda busy trying not to fall to my death.

YAMI: Okay, but... next time. Next time.

TÉA: Be careful, Pharaoh.

YAMI: Don't worry, Téa. It's Weevil. What's the worst he could do?

(cut back to Joey's and Rex's Duel)

TRISTAN: Joey! If you lose the Duel, you lose your soul!

JOEY: Yeah, I think you said that already, Tristan.

REX: Go, Horned Saurus! Use your special ability to attack Joey directly! (Horned Saurus releases a laser beam from its mouth on Joey)

JOEY: (braces himself after taking the attack) Why is your dinosaur shooting freaking flying saucer laser beams? (Rex currently controls Giant Rex and Gilasaurus in addition to Horned Saurus) I'm more confused than I am in pain!

TRISTAN: Joey!

JOEY: What?!

TRISTAN: If you lose—

JOEY: Yeah, I know. If I lose the Duel, I lose my soul. Got it.

TRISTAN: —the duel—

JOEY: Yeah, I got it, Tristan.

TRISTAN: —you lose—

JOEY: I know!

TRISTAN: —your soul.

JOEY: God!

(cut to Yami's and Weevil's Duel)

WEEVIL: Now watch as your Obnoxious Celtic Guardian becomes an Obnoxious Celtic Poison Butterfly!

POISON BUTTERFLY: I'm so poisonous.

YAMI: Man, Weevil, you're really bugging me.

(Têa forces a laugh)

YAMI: Much better.

WEEVIL: This is for humiliating me in the Duelist Kingdom Tournament, Yugi. Before you came along, I had it all. Money, fame, all the Insect-themed Monster Cards I could ever want. And then you had to ruin everything. But now, with the power of the Orichalcos, I can regain my former glory.

YAMI: Can I let you in on a secret?

WEEVIL: Huh?

YAMI: You were never all that good. In fact, you sucked.

WEEVIL: I was the regional champion!

YAMI: Yeah, because everybody else sucked even worse. Remember when you threw away my Exodia cards?

WEEVIL: You bet I do!

YAMI: Ever think maybe you should have kept them?

WEEVIL: What? Why would I—

YAMI: Because that what a not-terrible-Duelist would have done. Not throw away some of the most powerful cards in the game.

WEEVIL: It was all part of my plan to—

YAMI: Hell, I sucked back then too. I had freaking Mushroom Man in my Deck when I beat you.

WEEVIL: If you're attempting to distract me from the—

YAMI: You were beaten by a person who chose to put Mushroom Man in their Deck. That's how bad you sucked.

TÉA: Maybe it's not a good idea to taunt him, Pharaoh.

YAMI: Come on Téa, it's Weevil! What's the worst he could do?

WEEVIL: Well you don't have Mushroom Man now. Or your Egyptian God Cards. Or Yugi's soul. And once I'm done, you'll have even less than nothing. (laughs)

YAMI: But you know what I do have right now? One o' these.

WEEVIL: Oh no! The Eye of Timaeus!

YAMI: That's right! And now I combine Eye of Timaeus with Poison Butterfly in order to Summon— Uh!

(Timaeus roars. An error message titled "Error- Critical Failure of MainCharacter.exe" appears with the message, "The fusion you have performed is an illegal operation. Deal with it.")

YAMI: No! The two monsters that don't fuse with each other didn't fuse! My bullshit main character powers have failed me! If I'm struggling this much against Weevil, Joey must be in serious trouble.

(cut back to Joey's and Rex's Duel)

JOEY: This is the like the easiest Duel I ever played! Now I fuse Red-Eyes Black Dragon with my Claw of Hermos to give my Gearfried the Swordmaster his very own Red-Eyes Black Dragon Sword! I love having bullshit main character powers.

REX: Yeah, I bet that feels great. Being the main character and all. You'll never understand what it's like to be what I am. To be less than a joke. (flashback) (narrating) Before, everyone loved us. We were a hilarious throwback to an old Mike Judge cartoon.

BYSTANDER 1: Look! It's those guys who talk like Beavis and Butt-head!

BYSTANDER 2: I love things that are lifted directly from other sources!

REX: (narrating) But soon enough, the gag got old. People started to figure out that we really didn't bring anything to the table.

GUY WHO DOESN'T LIKE REFERENCES: Hey, aren't you those two morons Rex and Weevil?

REX: Uhuhuh, you said—

GUY WHO DOESN'T LIKE REFERENCES: References aren't funny! (beats up Rex and Weevil)

REX: (narrating) That was the lowest point of my life. (a dog pees on Rex) (end flashback; Joey laughs) Why are you laughing at my tragic backstory, Wheeler?!

JOEY: A dog peed on you! (keeps laughing; Rex growls) Come on Rex, you should be proud. That was the first genuine laugh your character has produced on this show. Now, Gearfried! Attack Rex and, (quickly) totally reluctantly, (normal) take his soul! (Gearfried attacks Rex directly, defeating him)

(Rex screams as his soul is taken by the Orichalcos, then hits the ground with a plop)

TRISTAN: (runs up to Rex and cradles him in his arms) Rex, if you lose the Duel you lose your—

JOEY: I think he knows, Tristan!

TRISTAN: Oh no! Apparently the Seal of Orichalcos also makes a five-year-old photoshop your eyes closed.

(cut to Yami's and Weevil's Duel)

YAMI: I Summon Breaker the Magical Warrior!

WEEVIL: That's a pretty cool card, Yugi! Wanna see one of my favorite cards? (removes a card from his pocket and shows it face-down to Yami)

YAMI: Is it Mushroom Man? Because you look like a guy who uses Mushroom Man.

WEEVIL: Master Dartz was kind enough to give me the card containing Yugi's soul. I thought you might appreciate being reunited with him. Before I destroy you.

YAMI: The only reunion that's about to happen is my size 10 with your buttocks!

TÉA: Pharaoh, don't antagonize him!

YAMI: Come on, Téa. It's Weevil! What's the worst he could—

(Weevil tears the card, which turns out to be Gokibore, in half)

YAMI: (darkly) Okay, yeah. That's the worst he could do.

WEEVIL: (laughs) Don't worry, Pharaoh. It was just a prank. I don't know where Yugi's soul really is. But I know where yours is going to be once Poison Butterfly drains the last of your Life Points.

YAMI: You know it really is a shame. If Yugi were here, he might have been able to prevent me.

WEEVIL: Prevent you from what?

YAMI: From doing this! I activate Berserker Soul! Now I must keep drawing cards, and for every Monster Card I draw, Breaker attacks! Buuut what are the odds that I'll draw a Monster Card?

WEEVIL: Eh-heh! This sucks!

YAMI: Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!! (draws Watapon; Breaker attacks Weevil, who screams and his LP falls from 2200 to 700) Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!! (draws Mushroom Man; Breaker attacks Weevil again) Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!! Dorō! Monsutā— (in a slightly lower voice) Monsutā— (in a much lower, distorted voice) Monsutā Kādo!! (draws a kitten, a puppy, marshmallows, and Jerry Beans Man, all in quick succession; Breaker attacks Weevil for each monster drawn, even as his LP falls to 0)

YAMI: And oh what a surprise! This next one's a—

TÉA: No! Yamete! Yugi!

YAMI: Hanase!

TÉA: The Duel's over, Pharaoh! You won.

YAMI: You're right, Téa. I lost control. At the end of the day, this is just a game. It doesn't matter if I win, lose, or Dorō! Monsutā Kādo!! (Breaker attacks Weevil once more)

(train derails while Yami and Téa scream)

TÉA: We're falling!

YAMI: For the record, I drew another Monster Card!

(ending; Troll Toll plays)

CAPTION:
[Yami's deck is apparently
90% monster cards]

CAPTION:
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(post-ending; cut to train station at Florida)

CONDUCTOR: We apologize, but the incoming train from California has been slightly delayed due to being hurled violently off the tracks and falling off a cliff. We expect it to arrive in about four and a half years. That's right. It's been delayed by about a month. In the meantime please enjoy the cold isolation that comes with traveling by train. Trains! We get you where you're going... eventually.

CAPTION:
[You can help us make more content at
www.patreon.com/littlekuriboh
or by continuing to be awesome!
Thank you!]

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