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← "United Sucks" #67: "Toon Pangs" "Mad Mai" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Tristan Taylor, Téa Gardner, Joey Wheeler, Yugi Muto, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Maximillion Pegasus, Bandit Keith, Alister, Mikey (voiced by Blackrose1m), soldier, Gozaburo Kaiba, Dark Magician Girl (voiced by Nowacking)

Running time: 10:32

TranscriptEdit

YAMI: This episode features a lot of angst and whining. In other words, it's a Kaiba episode!

(a car is moving down the highway)

TRISTAN: I can't believe we're in London! The Tower Bridge sure is pretty!

TÉA: Tristan, you know full well that's the Golden Gate Bridge.

TRISTAN: Don't be ridiculous. Magneto killed that bridge in X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

JOEY: Yeah, Téa. Too soon.

YUGI: Eh, that bridge is overrated. It takes too long to get anywhere. And it's not even that funny.

YAMI: (telepathically) As Pharaoh, I created the original bridge. It was terrible and barely worked. But it was the only one around, so everyone loved it.

YUGI: Man, bridges sure have come a long way since then, huh, Yami?

YAMI: Nah, they've all been replaced by Let's Players.

TRISTAN: Bridges are so 2006.

(title sequence)

(cut to Kaiba flying his Blue-Eyes White Dragon Jet)

KAIBA: I have to beat Pegasus in a card game so that he'll stop making fun of me. Also, to save my company's stock, but mostly the other thing.

MOKUBA: Uh, hey, bro? We accidentally flew over a Third World country back there. The local inhabitants saw us and mistook us for a vengeful dragon god, so now they're burning everything to appease us.

KAIBA: Tell them their dragon god demands an offering of trading card booster packs.

(the jet lands at the balcony of Pegasus Castle)

MOKUBA: U-uh, they don't have any radios, Seto.

KAIBA: Improvise, Mokuba. Improvise. (jumps out of his jet) Dramatic exit! Using my technical skills, I designed the perfect jet plane. Then I got bored with that and designed this absurdly expensive toy instead.

MOKUBA: And to think, people call you a deluded egomaniac.

(a compartment on the jet's side opens, then ejects Kaiba's briefcase)

KAIBA: Yeah, check it out. The head doubles as storage for my briefcase. How useless is that? I am literally flying around inside an action figure! (the castle doors open) Dramatical entrance! Being back at Pegasus's castle reminds me of Season 1, (he and Mokuba walk through the castle corridors) back when our writing was much better and we didn't make any stupid, childish jokes like we do now. (both arrive at Pegasus' Dueling arena)

(flashback)

PEGASUS: Spice Girls!

BANDIT KEITH: Ben Affleck!

KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.

JOEY: I'm a furry.

YAMI: And I'm gay.

(end flashback)

KAIBA: We were far more subtle back then.

MOKUBA: Yeah, you're right about that, Se--

KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba!

(Pegasus enters)

PEGASUS: Well, well, well. If it isn't the adorable little billionaire and his pathetic runt of a brother.

KAIBA: How dare you talk about Mokuba like that?!

PEGASUS: I wasn't talking about Mokuba.

KAIBA: That's not possible! I'm the adorable one!

MOKUBA: Keep telling yourself that.

PEGASUS: Kaiba-boy, you haven't changed. You were always so easily riled up.

KAIBA: I'm not easily riled up.

PEGASUS: Then you won't mind me telling you that once I win this Duel, I plan to turn KaibaCorp into a company that specializes in children's trading cards.

KAIBA: It already does tha--

PEGASUS: For actual children.

KAIBA: How dare you, Pegasus! You're a maniac!

PEGASUS: Are you ready for the rematch of the century, Kaiba-boy? Seto Kaiba. Maximillion Pegasus. Fox only. No items. Final Destination.

(the arena rises up)

KAIBA: See what I mean about the writing these days?

MOKUBA: Yeah, we never did that before.

KAIBA: I'll take you on, Pegasus! But first, let me update my iTunes. (pulls a cable out of his Duel Disk and attaches it to his side of the arena)

PEGASUS: Why do you have iTunes on your Duel Disk?

KAIBA: Oh, you know, just in case a cheesy montage breaks out and I need some terrible '90s teen music to play through it.

PEGASUS: Your taste in music is as bad as your taste in Duel Monsters cards, Kaiba-boy.

KAIBA: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Blue-Eyes White Dragon!

PEGASUS: Is that a promise?

KAIBA: No, I was just cleverly turning the lyrics of your favorite song against you!

PEGASUS: (plays Toon World) Your shiny beast certainly is impressive, Kaiba, but as you well know, only a Toon-Type monster can destroy one of my Toons.

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

KAIBA: I'm not going to let a technicality stop me!

PEGASUS: Oh, a technicality, like, the rules of the game.

KAIBA: Yeah, those things are annoying.

PEGASUS: Well then, maybe this will stop you. (All Star by Smash Mouth plays) I activate the Shrek is love, Shrek is life card! Looks like this card game is ogre before it even began.

KAIBA: (his Duel Disk reads "Shrek" instead of his LP count) I told you my '90s music would come in handy!

PEGASUS: And now I Summon Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon!

KAIBA: You turned my dragon into a cartoon! Now nobody will be able to take it seriously!

PEGASUS: Didn't you arrive here in a ridiculous dragon-shaped jet plane?

KAIBA: I don't know what you'--

PEGASUS: And aren't your bedsheets Blue-Eyes White Dragon themed?

KAIBA: I can neither confirm nor deny--

PEGASUS: And don't you like to secretly dress up and call yourself Blue-Eyes White Dragon Man? (holds up the Kaibaman card, with mirrored artwork)

KAIBA: It's Kaibaman! And I don't even do that ever, so shut up!

PEGASUS: (wags a finger tauntingly) You may like to pretend to be Kaibaman, Kaiba, but you'll always just be Kaiba-boy.

KAIBA: Grr, that does it! I activate Charm of Lamentation! This allows me to draw cards any time I attack and fail to destroy one of your monsters, which means I can just keep drawing cards until I win!

PEGASUS: Won't you lose if you draw all your cards?

KAIBA: Goddamnit, stop bringing up the rules! It's like this game matters to you, or something.

PEGASUS: Toon Blue-Eyes, attack Kaiba-boy's Life Points directly!

KAIBA: I activate Negate Attack! Negate Attack is a card that, when activated, prevents your monster from being able to--

PEGASUS: Are you... explaining Negate Attack to me?

KAIBA: Yeah, I mean, do you even know what it does?

PEGASUS: Everyone does. It's right there in the name. It negates an attack.

KAIBA: Don't try n' fool me with your psychic mumbo-jumbo, Pegasus!

PEGASUS: (with Blue-Eyes Toon Dragon laughing) I don't have to be psychic to know what f*cking Negate Attack does.

KAIBA: I'll negate your face in a second!

PEGASUS: Not before you're done explaining it to me for three hours, I'm sure.

KAIBA: Speaking of explanations, I think I'm owed one. You brought me out here to the middle of nowhere to Duel me under bizarre circumstances. And now you've spent the whole Duel Summoning the same monsters you used back in Season 1. You're a lot of things, Pegasus, but predictable isn't one of them.

PEGASUS: Ooh, Kaiba-boy, you've found me out! I've been a bad little boy! Naughty, naughty Pegasus!

KAIBA: Subtle isn't one of them either.

PEGASUS: Get ready for a surprise, Kaiba-boy! (tears off his clothes to reveal himself as Alister)

ALISTER: Finally, I can stop doing that ridiculous voice!

KAIBA: I don't know who you are, but that's a still more impressive reveal than Kylo Ren.

ALISTER: The name's Alister. And I'm about to drop you like a bad habit!

KAIBA: From the sounds of your voice, that's not all that's about to drop!

ALISTER: Behold, The Seal of Orichalcos! Not only does it give my monsters the strength they need to defeat you, but now whoever loses this Duel will also lose their soul!

KAIBA: Neat; did you come up with all that for your third grade creative writing class?

ALISTER: No.

KAIBA: Oh, my bad. Second grade?

ALISTER: I never had the chance to go to school! Because you took that from me, Kaiba! (clutching a burned Dyna Dude figure) Just like you took my my little brother.

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

KAIBA: (slurred speech) Explain yourself now!

ALISTER: (slurred speech) Okay, I will! (flashback; cut to a town being blown up by tanks) Seven years ago, my country was at war with another country!

KAIBA: (interrupts flashback) Hold on. What countries are you even talking about?

ALISTER: It doesn't matter.

KAIBA: Um, it actually kind of does! Otherwise, how am I supposed to know where you were or what was happening?

ALISTER: Look, there was a vague conflict between two rival nations! That's all you need to know!

KAIBA: Your backstory is already too confusing and convoluted! You're an anime villain, alright.

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

ALISTER: The enemy wouldn't give up. Not till they won.

KAIBA: Did the enemy have a name?

(continue flashback; the tanks still reign destruction)

ALISTER: Stop asking for important details and just let me tell my stupid, heavy-handed story!

(cut to a war camp)

KAIBA: Okay, sorry!

YOUNG ALISTER: Man, I really wish that random country wasn't attacking our random country.

MIKEY: If only we knew what country it was. Then we could ask them to stop.

YOUNG ALISTER: Don't worry, Mikey. One day, when my voice finally breaks, I'll have the power to stop this war and bring peace to wherever the hell this is!

(explosion; refugees flee)

MIKEY: The enemy's attacking!

YOUNG ALISTER: (grabs Mikey and runs) Come on, Mikey! I'll get you to safety!

(cut to soldier piloting a tank)

SOLDIER: Hey, kids. Ever ridden in a tank before?

YOUNG ALISTER: Eh, it seems kind of dangerous.

SOLDIER: I'll let you sit in front and blow the horn.

YOUNG ALISTER: I don't think tanks have a--

MIKEY: I wanna blow the horn!

YOUNG ALISTER: Mikey no!

(a fleet of military helicopters fire missiles at the tank Mikey is in, destroying it in an explosion and knocking Alister away from it)

ALISTER: He never even got to blow the horn. It was on that day that I swore vengeance upon the country that murdered my brother. Then I realized that I had no idea which country was attacking us. So instead, I decided to blame it on the first person I saw: Gozaburo Kaiba. (end flashback) Because war, war never changes.

KAIBA: And neither does your voice.

ALISTER: Because of your stepfather, my brother was killed! Also, the explosion caused my testicles to retreat back inside my body. And now I sound like this forever!

KAIBA: At least you had a brother! I don't even know where mine is!

MOKUBA: I'm up here, Seto!

KAIBA: Sometimes I can still hear his shrill, annoying voice.

MOKUBA: Seto, I can't find the bathroom!

KAIBA: I miss him so much.

MOKUBA: I'm just gonna pee over the edge, okay?

ALISTER: You'll be missing more than that when I use your very own Blue-Eyes White Dragons to wipe out your remaining Life Points!

KAIBA: Damn it! You know, around this time, I bet Yugi would tell me to believe in the heart of the cards.

(Kaiba gets ready to draw his next card)

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Kaiba! You must believe!

KAIBA: Yugi! You sound even girlier than usual. (is transported to the castle at the Duel Monsters Spirit World)

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: You have been chosen, Kaiba! You shall champion the mighty dragon, Critias!

KAIBA: Normally, I refuse to listen to magical disembodied voices on principle, but since there's a dragon involved, I'll break that rule this one time.

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Now, Kaiba! Become one with the almighty beast!

KAIBA: (grabbing the sword plunged into the crystallized Critias) Don't mind if I do.

(cut to close-up of Kaiba's eye as Careless Whisper by George Michael plays)

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Uh, no! No, no, I just--I just meant bond with it spiritually--ugh, jeez, why does everybody want to have sex in front of me?!

(cut back to Yugi and his friends; Yugi's The Eye of Timaeus card glows)

YUGI: What the-- This thing is a shiny? I'd better update my online auction.

(cut back to Duel)

KAIBA: Now I use Fang of Critias to merge my dragon with my Crush Card Virus!

ALISTER: Wait a moment, did you just fuse a Trap Card with a monster?

KAIBA: Yeah, so?

ALISTER: That's against the rules, isn't it?

KAIBA: Screw the rules, I have a Doom Virus Dragon! (beat; coughing in the background) Oh, shoot, did I just kill that joke?

ALISTER: (slurred speech) Just like you killed my brother!

KAIBA: I didn't do that! But I will kill your Life Points! Attack, Doom Virus Dragon! (Doom Virus Dragon attacks)

ALISTER: Sorry, Kaiba! But I activate Contagion of Madness, causing us both to lose!

(Kaiba is knocked back, landing on his butt)

KAIBA: Ow, my butt!

MOKUBA: Seto, your butt hurt again!

KAIBA: That's my secret, Mokuba. I'm always butthurt. Now that I have this card, I can finally beat Yugi!

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Uh, Kaiba, you must use the dragon Critias to save the world.

KAIBA: (looking back at The Fang of Critias) Hmm... defeat Yugi or save the world. Defeat Yugi... save the world. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

(ending; War by Edwin Starr plays)

CAPTION:
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(stinger; cut to Kaiba still contemplating on what to do with his new card)

KAIBA: ...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

CAPTION:
created by littlekuriboh
edited by ezekieru and 1kidsentertainment

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