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← "We Interrupt This Broadcast" #18: "Turn Around, Bright Eyes" "Jagshamesh!" →

Cast (In order of appearance): Yugi, Grandpa, Croquet, Yami, Tristan, Joey, Téa, Bakura, Florence, Pegasus

Date: March 17, 2007

Running Time: 9:56

Transcript Edit

Intro

(image from the Japanese version--a purple silhouette of Yami giving a mind crush, with the words "Fair play, Fair duel"-- appears with the classic Capcom sound)

Pegasus' Castle

YUGI: (voiceover, shuffling his deck) My grandpa's deck has served me well. But if I'm going to beat Pegasus, I'm going to have to remember everything Gramps ever taught me about card games.

Flashback to game shop

GRANDPA: Playing card games is just like making love. You usually do it on a table, and you always feel deep shame when it's finished. Also, the older you get, the less fun it is. So remember, always wear a condom when playing card games.

End flashback

YUGI: (voiceover, looking down at his deck) Hmm. I should probably wash my hands before using these.

Title Sequence: Rammstein's "Wollt ihr das Bett in Flammen sehen?" plays

Dueling Arena

CROQUET: The final round of the Duelist Kingdom tournament shall now commence. Will Yugi Moto please enter the duel arena?

(Yugi enters the arena while Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" is heard)

(Tristian, Joey, Téa, and Bakura watch from above)

TRISTAN: I'm bored.

JOEY: (pats Tristan's shoulder) Hush, Tristan. This crappy tournament will be over soon.

TÉA: Hey Joey, let's ditch Tristan and Bakura.

JOEY: Duh, okay.

(Joey and Téa walk away)

BAKURA: I can't believe they just ditched us like that! I mean, you'd have to be a total jerk to walk out on someone when— (Tristan starts running away) Hey, where are you going?

TRISTAN: (stops running) I'm ditching you too, because you smell. Bye! (runs off)

(Bakura's face grows evil)

FLORENCE: (voiceover) Run while you can, mortal. Soon, I will rule the world. (closeup on Bakura's face) And then we'll see who smells....it'll be you.

CROQUET: (as Pegasus makes his entrance, "March & Fanfare" by The Bobs plays in background) And now, introducing the creator of card games! Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Mr. Maximillion Pegasus!

PEGASUS: Excellent. Soon, my evil plan to steal an object from a small child will be complete!

YAMI: You mean you arranged this whole tournament just to steal my Millennium Puzzle?

PEGASUS: Exactly.

YAMI: Did you even consider just asking me for it? I mean, do you have any idea how much time and money you've wasted with this whole facade? (points at Pegasus) People have died because you wanted a necklace! I killed a gay clown, for Ra's sake!

PEGASUS: (holds up a card) Look, are you going to play a children's card game with me or not?

YAMI: (also holds up a card) I suppose I might as well.

Dungeon

TRISTAN: (he is wearing a knight's suit of armor) This heavy suit of armor is perfect for sneaking around!

GUARD 1: (heavy clanking noises in background) Did I hear something just now? Nah. Must have been the wind. Yeah, that's definitely the sound that wind makes.

TRISTAN: My voice gives me super strength! (he knocks the guard unconscious) But it also helps that I'm wearing a suit of armor. (he discovers Mokuba in the nearby cell) Hey, it's Mokuba! If I rescue him, then I'll be a hero, and Joey's bootylicious sister will be all over me! (he takes the keys from the floor, then starts to unlock the celldoor) Score!

Dueling Arena

(cell phone from inside Croquet's suit rings)

CROQUET: (answers phone) Yes, what is it?

GUARD 2: (shown inside control center) There's been a breach! Mokuba Kaiba has escaped!

CROQUET: I thought I told you never to call me at this number.

GUARD 2: (offscreen) But I miss you! It feels like we've grown so far apart!

CROQUET: (now shown with Bakura, Joey, and Téa watching from above) That's because I don't love you anymore.

FLORENCE: (voiceover) Sounds like Tristan found Mokuba. I think I'll pay him a little visit. (chuckles as he walks away)

JOEY: Where do you think you're going, limey boy?

FLORENCE: (talks in bad British accent, but doesn't turn around to see Joey) Um...I have to go do British things. Like drink cups of tea and eat Bangers and Mash. That sort of thing. Because I'm British.

JOEY: Oh, okay.

TÉA: Look! I think something exciting is happening!

YAMI: Blah blah, card games blah.

PEGASUS: (takes out card from his hand) Blah blah blah, attack mode blah.

YAMI: Blah blah blah?

PEGASUS: (arms wide) Blaaahhh.

TÉA: Oops. My mistake.

Dungeon

GUARD 3: We've got you surrounded. Now give the boy to us.

TRISTAN: (he is carrying Mokuba on his back) Over Mokuba's dead body!

FLORENCE: (closeup on his face) Lay one finger on the boy and you mortals will rue the day you were ever born!

TRISTAN: Bakura, don't be a hero! They have invisible guns!

GUARD 4: (pointing his finger like a gun, as does Guard 3) And we're not afraid to use them!

FLORENCE: (holds up Chain Energy card) Well, I have something far more powerful than invisible guns!

GUARD 4: There's no such thing!

FLORENCE: Why don't you see for yourself, then? (magically activates the card)

GUARD 4: (wrapped in rope) Well, whaddaya know? He was right.

GUARD 3: (also wrapped in rope) Now I just feel silly.

TRISTAN: Bakura! I had no idea you were Spider-Man!

FLORENCE: That's because I'm not. Now, follow me. We have to get out of here.

TRISTAN: You mean...you’re not Spider-Man?

FLORENCE: No, I'm not- (Tristan looks extremely depressed) ...okay, yes, I'm Spider-Man. Happy? Now will you just follow me?

TRISTAN: Hooray! I'm friends with Spider-Man! (runs off)

Dueling Arena

PEGASUS: Introducing the fabulous Toon Summoned Skull! (the monster appears and winks at Yami. "You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)" plays)

YAMI: It's like something out of HP Lovecraft... only gay!

Dungeon

TRISTAN: (singing)
Is he strong? Listen, bud.
He's got radioactive blood.
Look out!
There goes the Spider-Man!

FLORENCE: Oh, stop it!

Dueling Arena

PEGASUS: You can't possibly win, Yugi-boy. With my Millennium Eye, I can see into the very recesses of your mind, showing me every card in your deck!

Inside Yugi's mind

YUGI: He's right. We can't win like this. Our only hope is to switch minds. That way, he won't be able to predict our strategy.

YAMI: Couldn't I just Mind Crush him?

YUGI: You can't fix all your problems by Mind Crushing people.

YAMI: Oh, come on. Just one little Mind Crush. It'll barely hurt him.

YUGI: No! Bad Pharaoh! No Mind Crush!

YAMI: You never let me have my way, do you?

Dueling arena

PEGASUS: And now, I'm going to take this duel to the Shadow Realm!

YAMI: See? This wouldn't be happening if I had just Mind Crushed him.

YUGI: Listen, mister, do you need a time-out?

Dungeon

FLORENCE: Hand over the boy, Tristan, or I'll swallow your soul!

TRISTAN: But... why?

FLORENCE: Ever since Yugi defeated me in a duel, I've been looking for a new body. One without a soul. Mokuba's should do just fine.

TRISTAN: But... why?

FLORENCE: Because I'm evil!

TRISTAN: But... why?

FLORENCE: I don't know, I'm just evil! What do you expect?

TRISTAN: But... why?

FLORENCE: Well, I suppose my parents never loved me enough. They were always dressing me like a girl. Do you know they wanted to call me Florence? Who names a boy Florence? Idiots, that's who! And I'll tell you another thing-

TRISTAN: Look out! Flying Mokuba! (he throws Mokuba at Bakura)

FLORENCE: What the deuce?

TRISTAN: My voice knows kung fu! (he hits Bakura who falls to the ground)

FLORENCE: Oh, bugger.

TRISTAN: And now to defeat the evil villain once and for all by throwing him carelessly in a random direction. Go, Millennium Frisbee!

FLORENCE: (offscreen, as Millennium Ring is tossed like a Frisbee down into the forest) Noooooooooooooo!...twinkle.

TRISTAN: I'm bored again.

Dueling Arena

TÉA: My nipples are sensing that Yugi is in great peril!

JOEY: Mine too!

TRISTAN: (returns carrying both Bakura and Mokuba) Hey guys, you’ll never guess what I’ve been doing!

JOEY: We don’t care.

Shadow Realm

PEGASUS: Your mind shuffle strategy won’t work against me here, Yugi-boy. That weak body of yours can’t survive in the Shadow Realm.

YUGI: He’s right. I can feel my life force being drained away. It’s like I’m watching an Uwe Boll movie. Spirit, you have to take over for me. I’m too weak.

YAMI: Oh, come on. You can take him.

YUGI: No, really. I think I might be dying here.

YAMI: Don’t be such a drama queen.

YUGI: Spirit ...tell Téa... I love her...

YAMI: No! Yugi! You can’t be dead! If you were dead 4Kids would have censored it! Yugi! Yugi!

("Bright Eyes" by Art Garfunkel plays as a montage of Yugi plays.)

Dueling Arena

TÉA: Holy crap!

JOEY: Nyeh!

TRISTAN: I’m hungry!

JOEY: I felt a disturbance. As if Yugi cried out in terror, and was suddenly silenced.

TÉA: He needs our help! Remember the friendship pact we made in the first episode?

TRISTAN: How could we forget? It took weeks to get that stuff off my hand.

TÉA: Yugi, wherever you are, we believe in you!

JOEY: Never give up, no matter what happens!

TRISTAN: And could you possibly bring me something to eat? Maybe some French fried potatoes?

Shadow Realm

PEGASUS: Poor Pharaoh-boy. Without Yugi, your mind is an open book. Now, let’s see what card you’re holding! What in the name of Liberace is happening? Yugi’s friends! They’re stopping me from reading his mind! This is inconceivable, not to mention extremely cheesy!

TÉA: Pegasus! You’ll never understand the importance of friendship!

JOEY: As long as Yugi has us, he’ll always have the strength to fight!

TRISTAN: I’m just here for the food!

YAMI: And now, I summon LittleKuriboh Impostors!

PEGASUS: No! There’s so many of them! I can’t tell which one is the original!

YAMI: And that means you’ll never be able to watch the abridged series ever again!

PEGASUS: No! I can’t live without "Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series"! It’s so important to me!

YAMI: Don’t worry, Pegasus. There’s always "Naruto: The Abridged Series". But as everyone knows, that’s just not quite as good!

PEGASUS: Oh, noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Dueling Arena

JOEY: Yug, you won! I mean, you really-

TÉA: Back off, he’s mine! Um, Yugi, I just have this one thing to say: (starts singing) Did you ever know that you’re my heeerooo...

YUGI: Yeah, thanks, Téa. Anyway, we should probably go-

TÉA: (singing) Cause you are the wind beneath my wiiings. (pauses) Okay, I’m done.

YUGI: Let’s go rescue Grandpa!

BAKURA: Hey! How the bloody hell did I get up here? And what in the name of buggery happened to my Millennium Ring?

TRISTAN: I threw it away because it was evil!

BAKURA: That was a prized family heirloom, you giant wanker!

TRISTAN: But it was evil! If Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees got married and had a baby, your ring would be the baby!

JOEY: Freddy would never marry Jason! Besides, Freddy’s already married... to his job.

(Yugi, Tristian, Tea and Joey run away)

FLORENCE: (voiceover) Now that Pegasus is weakened by his duel with Yugi, it’ll be the perfect opportunity to steal his Millennium Eye! By the way, if you’re wondering how I managed to get my ring back, then I’m just as confused as you are! Watch out, Pegasus! Florence is back!

Ending: Spiderman theme plays

CAPTION:
[that’s the last time you’ll ever
see Tristan do anything]

Stinger

PRIEST SETO: (as Leonidas from 300) You threaten my people with slavery and death!

GUARD: (as Persian messenger) This is madness!

PRIEST SETO: Madness? THIS... IS... SPARTA!

Post-ending: Castle

GUARD 3: I told you we should have used the visible guns, but no-o-o! You had to have the INvisible guns because they’re magical and oooooo...

GUARD 4: Yeah, way to kick a guy when he’s down, Greg. Maybe if we had an invisible tank...

GUARD 3: Oh, shut up! Just shut up!

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