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← "Right In The Feels" #75: "Valley of the Duels"

Cast (in order of appearance): Joey Wheeler, Yami Yugi, Yugi Muto, Téa Gardner, Ironheart, Kriss (voiced by Lady_Nanaki), Dartz (voiced by Takahata101), Rafael, Orichalcos Soldier, Solomon Muto, Tristan Taylor, Duke Devlin, Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Mai Valentine, Rebecca Hawkins, Arthur Hawkins, Kuriboh

Running time: 9:57

TranscriptEdit

(a graphic similar to that seen in Arrested Development appears, with the words "Card Games" rendered to resemble said series' logo)

CAPTION:
previously on...
card
GAMES

JOEY: Previously, on the Yu-Gi-Oh!

(cut to final scene of previous episode)

YAMI: Yugi, stay with me!

YUGI: Pharaoh...there's...something you should know. I have a Super Ghost Rare Limited Edition Watapon card. I kept it secret, but since we might never see each other again, I can tell you. It's hidden underneath the-- (vanishes)

YAMI: (stares in disbelief and grief) Son of a bitch! Gahhh!

(title sequence)

(cut to Téa, Kriss, and Ironheart watching from a cliff)

TÉA: Poor Pharaoh. He hasn't moved since Yugi disappeared.

IRONHEART: Yes, it's a good thing we brought him here so that he could move beyond his pain.

(cut to Yami crying over Yugi's disappearance)

YAMI: I'm still in so much pain!

(cut back to Ironheart)

IRONHEART: Now he no longer needs to dwell on the memory of his partner.

(cut back to Yami)

YAMI: I can't stop thinking about Yugi!

(cut back to Ironheart)

IRONHEART: His mind will be bereft of distraction and instead be completely focused on the task of saving the world.

(cut back to Yami)

YAMI: Won't somebody please fetch me some ice cream?!

TÉA: Are you sure you're a licensed spiritual therapist?

IRONHEART: I'm old and I hold a stick. That automatically makes me the wisest person in the valley.

TÉA: There's only, like, four people here.

IRONHEART: And only one of them is old and holding a stick. Guess who it is; it's me.

(cut to Dartz's lair)

DARTZ: Oh, Gweat Weviathan! I beseech thee mayn! Awow me to wender judgment upon the waynd! Awow me, cast your will upon that-- (phone rings) Cast your will upon that-- (phone rings again) (speaking rapidly) Cast your will upon-- (phone rings) Goddangit, mayn, hang on, it's probably Wafael with news of the Phawaoh-oh. The Phawawawa...the Egyptian king. (cut to Paradius, then to Dartz's conference room) Oh, it never fails to start worshipping an elder god from the dark dimension until the phone starts winging. I better put my business suit on using unnecessary magical powers. (Dartz enters the building, with his robes changing to his business suit) Hoo-wee, how about that; my pants were on this time! (answers his phone) Hewewewe, Waf.

(Dartz's screen reveals Yami grovelling in defeat)

RAFAEL: I have eyes on the target.

DARTZ: Good. The Phawawaoh is twapped wike a wat.

RAFAEL: Trapped like a what?

DARTZ: Exactly, Wafaewelwel. Befooold, the vawwey is inhabited by eeevil appawitions. Not that I'd expect your minion-school bwain to compwehend that.

RAFAEL: Uh, dude? I've been using dark magic to take people's souls this whole time. Why do you suddenly think I wouldn't understand what a ghost is?

DARTZ: Oh, enough with the jabber-jabber! It's time for you to thwoh your Orichalcamalos deus ex machinema into the vawwey, so we may summon an evil appawition to fight with spooky powers on our behalf! Not that you would understand anything of what I said though, 'cause you dumb!

RAFAEL: Would you please stop blatantly insulting my intelligence?

DARTZ: (mocking Rafael) Would you please stop i-ins-nsulting my intelligence? Ugh, bugh! Thwoh the wock, dummy!

(Rafael throws the Orichalcos stone into the valley)

DARTZ: (laughs) Ancient powers of the Orichalcamalos, awaken and bring forth the soul of one who has fawwen, wewease your destructive powah and doom! Doooooooom! (high-pitched) DOOOOOOOOOOM!

(lightning strikes from overhead)

YAMI: No, not the lightning! That's how my hair got stuck this way!

(cut to Téa, Ironheart, and Kris caught in an earthquake)

TÉA: It's an earthquake!

IRONHEART: I'm afraid it's worse than that.

TÉA: Worse than one of the most devastating natural disasters known to man?

IRONHEART: Way worse. You see? (Orichalcos soldier materializes) The Orichalcos is bringing an ancient soldier back from the dead!

TÉA: Earthquakes have leveled entire cities!

IRONHEART: Yeah, but this guy is like, really scary!

TÉA: New Zealand is in a constant state of repair because of earthquakes!

IRONHEART: Yes, but check out his freaky-deaky looking armor! He's so much worse than earthquakes!

YAMI: By the holy tank top of Tutankhamun! This beast is beyond anything I've ever faced! (the Orichalcos soldier looks down at Yami and roars) It could tear me to pieces! (the soldier raises his arm and activates his Chaos Duel Disk) It could slice me in two! It could...challenge me to a children's card game. Of course it would.

DARTZ: Behold, Phawoh! My cweature can Summon monsters from the vewy gwound you stand on! Meet Owichalcosbacalosmaximalos!

YAMI: The joke's on you because everyone knows you can't attack me on the first turn! (Gigas attacks Yami with its fist) Whoa okay, hold up, big boy. That's a blatant violation of the Duel Monsters rules. I'm calling for a time-out. (Gigas roars, readying another attack) Judges? Judges? Okay, where are the judges? (Gigas attacks Yami again) Okay, so you wanna do this season 1 style, eh? (activates his Duel Disk) Fine. I Summon Chimera the Flying Mythical Beast! And with it, I will destroy your Gigas! (Chimera rams into Gigas and destroys it) Yeah, how do you like them pomegranates? (Gigas roars, readying another attack and his ATK increases by 500) All right, this player is getting very aggressive with me. Judges? I move that this duelist be ejected and I be declared the winner. Judges? (Gigas attacks Yami with its fist) You know, I've technically won this Duel by disqualification about five times already. You just don't know it yet. (Orichalcos soldier slurps) Ahh, good, yes. It's time for that part of the Duel where we share witty banter. I'm good at that bit. Hey, Orichalcos solider! You're probably adopted! (Orichalcos soldier screams) Okay, I can't really work with that. Maybe say something about Internet memes? Grumpy cat. There, I just gave you a freebie.

RAFAEL: It's no use. Every time the Pharaoh destroys that monster, it comes back even stronger than before. You know, you'd think that watching someone fight the exact same monster over and over again would be really, really boring... And you'd be right.

YAMI: I Summon the Obnoxious Celtic Punching Bag!

CELTIC GUARDIAN: I'm so-- (Gigas attacks him, he groans and falls on the ground)

YAMI: See now, you just attacked a monster in the middle of my Main Phase 1. What part of boring turn-based card game mechanics don't you understand?

IRONHEART: Another attack and the Pharaoh is done for! There's only one thing that can save him now.

KRISS: You mean the card that the Pharaoh gave you exactly one episode ago? And if he just kept it for about an hour, he wouldn't be in any danger?

IRONHEART: Yes. The Eye of Timaeus. I must get this card to the Pharaoh! It's a good thing I played all that Assassin's Creed! (starts jumping across the cliffs into the valley)

TÉA: Wait, I don't understand how playing Assassin's Creed makes you good at parkour. It's just a video game.

KRISS: He can't do this alone, I have to help him! (climbs up onto Skye) It's a good thing I played all that Banjo-Kazooie. (jumps into the valley)

TÉA: That makes even less sense!

IRONHEART: Pharaoh, I'm coming! And I've only had about five heart attacks on the way over!

YAMI: Oh good, here come the judges.

DARTZ: You have diswupted my pwans for the wast tyme, old mayn! Aynd now, you will suffer duowah wetwobouis... (smacks lips) Wetwo... (smacks lips twice, starts mumbling) Wow, yow, yow, wetwob... (smacks lips) Ugh, ugh, ugh, come on, come on... (loudly) Watapoah! Okay, f*ck it, I'm just doing this.

(lightning bolt hits Ironheart and he groans)

YAMI: By the butt cleavage of Osiris!

DARTZ: Yeah! I can do thayt! Gaym changer!

IRONHEART: (holds Timaeus up) I may be dying, but I'm still going to make one last trade!

YAMI: I'm coming, Ironheart! (runs, hits the Orichalcos barrier and groans) Damn it! I can't move! I knew Link Summoning would ruin this game!

KRISS: Grandfather!

IRONHEART: It's too late for me, Kriss. Take this and bring it to the Pharaoh. (hands Timaeus to Kriss) Otherwise all hope is lost. Goodbye. (disintegrates into bubbles whilst saying "Bubbles" several times)

KRISS: No! Grandpa! I have to keep moving. It's a good thing I played all that The Walking Dead.

TÉA: (in the background) WHY?!

YAMI: Don't worry, Kriss. There's no way 4Kids would let a small child get struck by lightning on screen. (Kriss and Skye get struck by lightning, the impact of the strike sending Kriss flying and landing just in front of Yami) That seems wildly inconsistent!

KRISS: Pharaoh, take this. It's the only thing that can stop him. I trust you, Pharaoh. Thank you. (disintegrates into bubbles whilst saying "Bubbles" several times)

YAMI: No, Kriss! Come back! I can't believe they're dead. And after I'd gotten to know them so well after the two and a half conversations I had with them. (turns back to face Gigas, thinking) Alright. There's only one thing left I've got to do. Forgive me, Timaeus. I may have abused my trading cards in the past, but now I fight for all my friends. (images of Yami's friends scroll by him) Friends like Skye the dog and Grandpa, who I never interacted with. And also hilariously, a Kuriboh for some reason. (activates The Eye of Timaeus) Now I fuse my Timaeus with Dark Magician Girl in order to Summon Dark Magician Girl the Dragon Knight! Behold, her totally impractical armor design, because you gotta see them thighs, man!

RAFAEL: Magicians aren't knights! None of this makes any sense!

YAMI: Now, Timaeus, destroy his creature of darkness! (Timaeus fires a beam from his mouth, while Dark Magician Girl blasts pink magic from her sword, destroying Gigas and defeating the Orichalcos soldier) This is for Ironheart and Kriss, two of the finest people I have ever known that I will forget about when this season is over! May their memory live on for at least another 12 episodes or so.

(cut to explosion from a distance, then to Joey and Tristan carrying Rex)

JOEY: Hey look, Tristan, you were right! In another few hours, the sun did rise.

TRISTAN: What does the sun rising have to do with our situation?

JOEY: Well, nothing, I was just referencing when you said it in Season 1.

TRISTAN: That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

JOEY: Yeah, but you did, so...

TRISTAN: Are you sure it wasn't Kaiba?

JOEY: Okay, let's just go over there. (leaves)

TRISTAN: I don't even think that's the sun. (follows after Joey)

(cut to Rafael watching a triumphant Yami)

RAFAEL: The Pharaoh is weakened. Now would be the perfect time to capture him. Or I could just disappear for 10 episodes and leave the guy I went out of my way to find. Yeah, I'm just gonna do that. (leaves)

(cut to Téa leaving flowers in front of a carving depicting Ironheart, Kriss, and Skye)

TÉA: Wow, I guess Ironheart, Kriss, and Skye were spirits who had lingered for more than 10,000 years and once fought a massive battle in this very spot against the evil forces of the Orichalcos. It sure is lucky this carving is here to explain everything for us.

YAMI: Does it say anything about why they all turned into bubbles when they died?

TÉA: I guess it's because they were ghosts or something?

(they leave the carving)

YAMI: Well, Téa, it's a good thing we played all that Luigi's Mansion.

TÉA: I never played that.

YAMI: Neither did I.

(ending; Luigi's Mansion theme plays)

CAPTIONS:

[link summoning is why this
show takes so long to make]

SPECIAL THANKS TO
FullmetalFlam3
Stafan Nelson-Lindal
Laura Wuestner
Matthew Kauffman
Charles Dooley
obeymyshinyrod
Lacrymosai
Danilo Suarez
Chandra
Wandergirl108
grimmydark
Mura Casardis
Joe

Patreon
patreon.com/littlekuriboh

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