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Date: March 17, 2007
Running Time: 6:54
YAMI: (this line voiced by Dan Green) Last time, on Yu-Gi-Oh...
(Static, as on a TV. Cut to commercial of elephant using an iron with its trunk.)
COMMERCIAL: Black & Decker's automatic shut-off iron. (Elephant stops using the iron, which is left upright and beeping, as a caption reads "10 minutes later.") Because even those with the best memories can forget to turn their irons off. (Closeup on iron, which has a glowing green light that disappears with a click, as another caption reads "2 minutes later.")
ALAN PARTRIDGE: (next to a car, points his finger toward the screen) In America!
VICTOR KIAM: (sits in an office desk) I was so impressed, I bought the company.
(Space Ghost taps his cards on his desk)
(Cut to original Japanese "Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters" eyecatch, an animation of a spinning Millennium Puzzle in front of scrolling hieroglyphs, which is shown before and after commercial breaks, while "Kawaita Sakebi" is heard. A small "CARDGAMES" channel logo bug, also containing a Millennium Puzzle, stays on the bottom right corner of the screen for the rest of the episode until the end.)
ANNOUNCER: Yooou're watching the Card Game Channel! Where we bring you all the hottest dueling action from across the globe. (Cut to views of Domino City) Tonight, we're bringing you live coverage of the Duelist Kingdom semifinals! I can barely contain my excitement! Who will be the next King of Games? (Japanese eyecatch is shown again) We'll find out, right after this commercial! Don't you go anywhere, now.
(Another commercial starts with Marik caring for an ailing Bakura. "1-800-DUELINSURANCE" appears at the top of the screen for the entire ad. The song "Fake Wings" by Yuki Kajiura plays throughout.)
COMMERCIAL 2: Have you been injured in an accident during a card game that wasn't your fault? (In a forest, Bandit Keith walks away, leaving behind Bonz and Sid lying on the ground in a daze) Suffered damages at the hands of your opponent? (In a dark, cloudy place, Yugi, Tea, Joey and Tristan fall, dazed, in front of Evil Bakura) Do you like to blame other people for your clumsiness? (Evil Bakura is seen in a wild blaze of flames, with his Millennium Ring dangling around his neck) If so, give us a call at 1-800-DUELINSURANCE, (In a street alley, a boy is sprayed with silly string from Weevil's bug gun) and we'll fix the problem by throwing lots of money around. (In a hospital, Tristan, Téa and a nurse carry an ailing Grampa in a mobile hospital bed) Duel Insurance, because nothing heals pain quite like money.
(Japanese eyecatch is shown again. "Kawaita Sakebi" is heard again as well.)
ANNOUNCER: We're back, and the Duelist Kingdom semifinals are already underway. (cut to duel arena inside Pegasus' castle, where Yami and Mai face each other) It looks like Yugi Moto is struggling to defeat Mai Valentine, and who can blame him? Mai Valentine is a seasoned competitor with a long list of victories. Let's take a look at her dueling history.
(Music stops; cut to graphic showing a large picture of Mai to the left, and three smaller, equally sized pictures of Joey, PaniK, and Téa to the right.)
First, she faced Joey Wheeler...and lost. (The word "LOST" in red appears above Joey's picture) Then she went up against PaniK...and lost. ("LOST" in red appears above PaniK's picture) Her last match before entering the finals was against Téa Gardner, which, of course, she must have won. Oh, my mistake. She surrendered. ("LOST" in red appears above Tea's picture) I think I speak for everyone when I ask, ("WTF?" appears in red above Mai's picture) "What's wrong with this picture?"
MAI: I summon Harpie's Pet Dragon!
YAMI: You wanna play rough? Okay...say hello to my little friend! (He summons Kuriboh)
ANNOUNCER: This could be a critical misjudgment on the part of the young up-and-comer with the ridiculous hairdo. (Mai looks confused) Mai's dragon could destroy that Kuriboh with ease. I wonder what her next move will be?
MAI: (puts hand on her deck) I surrender...
(Yami looks shocked)
ANNOUNCER: (sarcastically) Yeah, that Mai Valentine. She's a great duelist, all right. (Cut to view of Pegasus' castle, with stormy clouds above) We take you now to a pre-recorded interview with one of the top players in the Duelist Kingdom tournament-- Mako Tsunami.
(Mako is shown in front of an ocean)
REPORTER: (offscreen) Mister Tsunami, Mister Tsunami! Is there any truth to the rumor that Yugi Moto refused to duel with you because you're a freaky fish guy?
MAKO: (an onscreen graphic labels him as "Local Fisherman/Freaky Fish Guy") I am NOT a freaky fish guy! And for your information, I fed his Dark Magician to my Fiend Kraken! It was just like the ending to Pirates of the Caribbean 2, except this was actually satisfying!
REPORTER: (offscreen) In that case, why is he entered into the finals while you're out here on the beach talking to yourself?
MAKO: I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to the ocean.
REPORTER: (offscreen) Oh... OK.
MAKO: The ocean and I are getting married. (turns to ocean) Isn't that right, ocean?
(Ocean, labeled as "Large Body of Water", remains silent)
MAKO: The ocean says yes.
(Cut to duel arena)
JOEY: I summon Copycat! It gives me the power to copy your catchphrase... (he puts his pointer finger up) in America!
KEITH: Hey, that's my joke! It only works when I say, "In America". It loses all meaning when you say it!
JOEY: Nyeeeeh? What's that? I couldn't hear you. I was too busy being American.
KEITH: You're not American! You're not even wearing a flag on your head!
JOEY: You're right! I must have left it back home... (closeup on Joey's face) in America!
(Keith struggles as he is taken away by two guards)
ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh! It looks like Bandit Keith has snapped, and he's being forced to abandon the duel!
KEITH: (singing in the background) And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air...
(Bakura and Téa watch from above)
BAKURA: Hooray! Joey won! Lashings of ginger beer for everyone! ...I'm British, you know.
KEITH: (runs back into the arena) I won't go down without a fight! Pegasus, I pledge allegiance to your death, (points at Pegasus) you sorry excuse for an American!
PEGASUS: I learned this trick from watching Excel Saga. (activates a trapdoor)
KEITH: (falls out through a hole outside below the castle, falls into water) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ...In America. (splash!)
ANNOUNCER: And on that note, let's go to a commercial.
(The next ad resembles a promotion for a soap opera. It begins with the "Zorc and Pals" logo animating onto the screen, in front of Zorc stomping around a dark place. The song "Dearly Beloved" from Kingdom Hearts II plays throughout the commercial.)
ZORC: (his mouth doesn't move) Because I have a terminal disease.
BAKURA: But you can't DIE! What about our adopted daughter? Who's going to take care of her when you're gone?
ZORC: She ALSO has a terminal disease.
COMMERCIAL 3 ANNOUNCER: Don't miss this very special award-winning episode of Zorc & Pals, because we really need the ratings.
(Japanese eyecatch plays again, as well as "Kawaita Sakebi")
ANNOUNCER: You're watching the Card Game Channel. We show card games, and that's about it. (Cut to duel arena) This match will decide everything! One of these men will return home with either three million dollars in prize money or the prestige of being the new King of Card Games. (Music stops; cut to Joey looking down at the cards in his hands) But no matter who wins this duel, in the end, they're both losers. I mean winners. Yeah, winners.
JOEY: This is it, Yug. Only one of us can win this tournament. And even though you're my best friend, I'm not gonna hold back. I'm gonna give it my all. And what's more, I'm gonna beat you!
YAMI: Like hell!
YAMI: Face it, Joey, you're a terrible duelist! You only got this far because I've been telling you how to win all the time! (He points in front of the screen) I mean, come on, you've got Baby Dragon in your deck. (Baby Dragon is shown) Baby freaking Dragon! (Cut back to Yami) You probably don't even remember why you entered the tournament in the first place!
JOEY: Sure I do! I entered because...uh...you told me to?
YAMI: It was your sister, you silly little man! She needs an operation!
JOEY: Why? Is she sick?
YAMI: No, but YOU will be. MIND CRUSH!
ANNOUNCER: And now for a word from our sponsors.
KAIBA: (voiceover) Your own personal deck - ten dollars. A brand spanking new Duel Disk system - thirty dollars. Bribing the school bully so he won't beat you up for playing card games - fifty dollars. Activating Swords of Revealing Light so your opponent is unable to attack your Life Points directly, leaving him wide open for a frontal assault on all his monsters - priceless. There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's KaibaCorp.
(The KaibaCorp logo appears at the end of the commercial.)
(Cut to view of castle, while "Kawaita Sakebi" plays.)
ANNOUNCER: We now return to our live feed from the Duelist Kingdom, and it looks as though the finalists have something to say to each other.
JOEY: (hands Yugi a card representing the tournament prize money) Here, Yug. Since I lost the match, it's only right that you get the prize money.
YUGI: (pushes back the prize money card) No, Joey. You take it. How else are you going to afford professional therapy after suffering such a humiliating defeat at my hands?
JOEY: (tears flow from his eyes as he sobs looking down at the prize money card) Nyeeh... Nyeeh, this is the happiest moment of my life. Sniff...nyeh... If only my sister were alive to see me now. Sniff...nyeh-heh-heh!...
(Cut to view of castle)
ANNOUNCER: The semifinals are over, but the final round of the tournament is just around the corner! Don't touch that remote! We'll be right back with more card game action, right after this commercial!
(End. Static again. A logo appears: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series)
[mai valentine... worst
PRIEST: (offscreen) Do you, Mako Tsunami, take the ocean to be your lawfully wedded wife, till death do you part?
MAKO: I do!
PRIEST: (offscreen) And do you, ocean, take Mako Tsunami to be your lawfully wedded husband, till death do you part?
(Wedding music stops. Ocean remains silent for a long pause.)
MAKO: (offscreen) The ocean says yes.