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(Opening music: "Always" by Erasure)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, KaibaCorporation proudly presents: "What Would Yugi Do?" And here is the master himself! The guru in leather! The man who put the 'S' back into 'S&M': Yugi Muto!

YAMI: Hi there, I'm Yugi Muto.

YUGI: (wearing a leash with Yami holding the end of it.) You are not!

YAMI: Silence slave! Or do you want me to yank on your leash again?

YUGI: Ow, not so tight, Pharaoh!

YAMI: That's what she said. Or he. I could go either way, really. And that is also what she said!

YUGI: You're so depraved.

YAMI: At least I'm not deprived! Of sex! Like you will be if you don't pipe down, little man! Okay, what were we doing?

ANNOUNCER: You're supposed to give dueling tips and tell them about the latest cards.

YAMI: I'm supposed to what now?

YUGI: You have to tell people how to play a children's card game.

YAMI: But, that could take, like, forever!

YUGI: Well, you are the King of Games.

YAMI: And what, being King means that I have to take care of everybody else's problems and be civil all the time?!

YUGI: Kinda.

YAMI: Not in my day, it didn't! In my day, kings were respected and feared. And loved. Physically.

YUGI: Seriously, one-track mind.

YAMI: Did you just say sixty-nine?

YUGI: What I said was nothing like those words!

YAMI: ...You're sexy.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, you all received numbers when you came in, so I will be calling them out. When you number is read, please come to the floor to ask your question. Number 227, come on down!

YAMI: Wait, why did we start at 227?

YUGI: How very esoteric.

ANNOUNCER: Hello, little boy. What is you're name?

ESPA: (constantly shouting) My name is Espa Roba! And I am not a little boy! I am thirty-seven years old!

ANNOUNCER: But you look so-

ESPA: I have a congenital growth hormone condition!

YAMI: (muttering) Must be from all the inbreeding.

YUGI: Yeah, that Roba family is messed up!

YAMI: Unlike us. By the way, Yugi, did you buy the whipped cream for later?

YUGI: ...No.

YAMI: Oh... (long pause) You should buy the whipped cream for later. You know, for snacks!

ESPA: My question is as follows: Would you like this baby? I do not care for it!

YAMI: I thought these questions were supposed to be about trading cards.

ESPA: Oh, right! Um...would you like to swap this baby for a trading card?

YAMI: Uh, which trading card did you want for it?

ESPA: Um, maybe Buster Blader?

YAMI: Hahahahaha! Get out of my sight.

ESPA: Fine! Your Buster Blader doesn't deserve a slot in my deck! But I suppose it would make a good coaster for my drink!

YAMI: Cracka be trippin'.

YUGI: Mmhmm.

ANNOUNCER: Now we have the next number! Number 405!

YAMI: Well, now you're just being silly with these numbers!

ANNOUNCER: What is your name?

LEON: I am president of the Duel Monsters Chapter in Wyoming, and what I want to know is why does my Duel Pass not work at times? I mean I paid for it, installed everything right, and it still won't-

YAMI: What the f**k is a Duel Pass?!

LEON: It lets you access a website where-

YAMI: Listen, you're talking to the reigning Duel Monsters champion here! The biggest expert in children's card games the world over! Not to mention the fact that I was a flipping Egyptian pharaoh in a previous life! And the question you want to ask me is: "Why does my Duel Pass not work?".

LEON: Yes, it's very important to me.

YAMI: Enjoy your virginity, kid. Make friends with it.

YUGI: You know, I had a problem with my Duel Pass before, too, and what I did was-

YAMI: I will paddle the living hell out of you if you are not silent!

YUGI: ...I just wanted to help.

YAMI: You are not helpful. Ever.

YUGI: But! But, what about that one time when Pegasus-

YAMI: Never helpful. You.

LEON: Can I ask one more question?

YAMI: Okay, just so long as you consider "Mind Crush" an acceptable response.

LEON: Why is Yugi wearing a leash?

YAMI: (echoing) MIND CRUSH!

YUGI: Personally, I would have asked, "Why does Yugi have his own separate body?" I mean that seems fairly pertinent in this situation.

YAMI: Yugi, we're doing this for charity. And, for Kaiba.

YUGI: I know, but-

YAMI: So quit being a little bitch!

YUGI: You're mean today!

YAMI: Yes, it's like Season Zero all over again, isn't it?

ANNOUNCER: Next it's Number 266!

YAMI: This man is just making things up as he goes along. It annoys me!

COURTNEY: (Courtney is wearing a Mana cosplay.) My name is Courtney, and I want to know if the Black Magician Girl and the Black Magician are a couple.

YAMI: What's a Black Magician Girl?

YUGI: Uh, I- I think she means the Dark Magician Girl.

YAMI: Oh, um...They are trading cards!

COURTNEY: Yeah, but like, I totally ship that!

YAMI: Are all these kids on drugs? I demand an explanation!

YUGI: Oh, shipping is when you take two characters from a T.V. show, who aren't romantically involved in any shape or form, and then you force them to become a lesbian couple by drawing vivid and pituitous fan art of them for about six months, before you move on to some other show. Lather, rinse, repeat.

YAMI: Ha! Imagine pretending that two fictional characters are in love with each other!

YUGI: Yeah, that's pretty ridiculous!

YAMI: Haha! I love you, Yugi.

YUGI: Oh, um. Good, that's- that's good.

YAMI: I mean it...I love you!

YUGI: ...Next question, please.

ANNOUNCER: Number sixty-nine, come on down!

YUGI: Heh! Hear that, Pharaoh? Sixty-nine!

YAMI: I don't get it, what so funny about that number?

YUGI: (sighs) Never mind.

VESPA: (constantly shouting) Excuse me, would you like this baby?

YAMI: Didn't you already ask us that?

VESPA: That was Espa Roba! I am his brother, Vespa Roba!

YAMI: You know Yugi, maybe a baby wouldn't be so bad. I mean we were just talking about adoption the other day.

YUGI: Under. No. Circumstances.

VESPA: Please take it! We're already up to our necks in babies! We are carnival folk and we cannot afford to-

YAMI: Look, nobody asked for your life story! Besides, why would you even complain about working at the carnival? Carnivals are fun! Go train your baby to be a trapeze artist or something!

VESPA: This baby doesn't deserve to be a trapeze artist! But I suppose it would make a good coaster for my drink!

YAMI: You're going to use the baby as a coaster...?

VESPA: Yes! That will teach you!

YAMI: I say again: Cracka be trippin'.

ANNOUNCER: The event is over. Thank you all for coming and thank you for your questions!

KAIBA: Well, well, looks like you both survived without the fans tearing you both apart. Good job. It was worth the money to see you get steamed for once. You're lucky the way you presented yourself didn't lose you any fans. I just loved how they pissed you off with their same question, though. Maybe putting your partner on a leash was a great idea.

YAMI: F**k off, Kaiba! I did what you wanted and you got your customers for KaibaLand. Now let us go home!

KAIBA: Sure, but why is Yugi on a leash, by the way?

YAMI: Foreplay!

(Ending song: "Thank you for Being a Friend", the Golden Girls theme plays)

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