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Cast (In order of appearance): Seto Kaiba, Mokuba Kaiba, Doctor, Grandpa, Joey, Tristan, Serenity, Yugi, Mai, Rex, Weevil, Mako, Steve, Bakura, Marik
Date: May 21, 2008
Running Time: 9:16
Transcript[]
Intro
YAMI: Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series...
(scene from episode 26)
KAIBA: (on a helicopter, heraises a finger toward the sky) Don't forget to register and pick up your Duel Disk because exactly one week from tod--(his finger hits the helicopter's rotorblades and is cut off) AARGH! MY FINGER! It came clean off! Somebody call an ambulance!
(later)
KAIBA: Thanks for fixing my hand, Doc. I'm not sure how you did it, but my finger feels good as new.
DOCTOR: It's not really that complicated, we just replaced your finger with a synthetic replica. Did you ever see The Empire Strikes Back?
KAIBA: No. I don't watch crap. By the way, did you find out what's wrong with Mokuba?
DOCTOR: Well we ran some tests on your brother and it seems he's going through Japanese puberty.
KAIBA: Oh, my God! Does that mean...?
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid he believes that he's a Pokémon.
KAIBA: Mokuba! Speak to me!
MOKUBA: Bulbasaur!
Title Sequence
GRANDPA: While I'm out here, sweeping the floor, Yugi's inside talking to his imaginary boyfriend. I swear there's something not quite right about that boy. I wonder where he gets it from. Ooh! That reminds me! I have a hot date tonight! Don't wait up, Yugi!
He runs to his shop and hangs up a "Do Not Disturb" sign, leaving us staring at his door. Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" plays.
GRANDPA: (romantically) Oh, Black Luster Soldier, how I've missed you.
JOEY: (thinking) I can't believe my sister is still mad at me for spending the prize money on trading cards, I better call her and apologize.
TRISTAN: (over the phone) I'm sorry, but Serenity can't come to the phone right now because she's about to be deflowered.
JOEY: Brooklyn Rage! Tristan, you take your greasy paws off of my sister!
TRISTAN: Oh, Joey, it's you. Don't worry about Serenity; I'm taking good care of her, if you know what I mean.
JOEY: Brooklyn Rage!
SERENITY: Hey, big brother, your friend Tristan is so funny. I had no idea that he was the main character on the show.
JOEY: (Confused) Wah?
SERENITY: He was just telling me how he has more fangirls than anyone else.
JOEY: Nyeah?
SERENITY: And you never mentioned that the fangirls love to pair him up with you.
JOEY: Nyeah... (keeps on going while Serenity talks)
SERENITY: Anyway don't worry about me, I'm just extremely gullible and naïve, it's lucky there aren't any older men here trying to seduce me.
TRISTAN: Best of luck in the tournament, Joey; I'll stay here and and take good care of Serenity, with my reproductive organs. (hangs up)
JOEY: Brooklyn Rage, Brooklyn Rage!
YUGI: (while a clock is in the background) I wonder what time it is?
MAI: Hey, Yugi!
YUGI: Oh, look, a pair of giant levitating chesticles.
MAI: It sure was nice of Kaiba to let me enter this tournament, even though I never actually won a single card game.
YUGI: Yeah, compared to you Joey is an expert.
REX RAPTOR: Uhhhhhuhuhuh. Hey, Weevil, it's your mom.
WEEVIL: Oh, yeah, hehehehe.
REX RAPTOR: Uh, so like, listen up, dumbasses, uhhhuhuhuh, we're like totally gonna win this tournament, and then we're gonna score.
WEEVIL: Yeah, heheh, me too. Then I'm gonna, like, set fire to your trading cards. Fire, fire, yeah! HehehhehehehehehGAH!
MAKO: (grabbing Weevil from behind) Does Mako Tsunami have to choke a bitch?
YUGI: Oh, God, it's him.
MAKO: The element of fire holds no sway over the ocean; for it is made of water.
WEEVIL: What the hell is wrong with you, butthole? Hehe. You almost killed me!
MAKO: Do not play in the ocean unless you wish to drown!
REX: Heee, yeah. Everybody knows that, dumbass.
MAKO: The ocean and I have an understanding. She allows me to date other large bodies of water, but the ocean is my one true love.
WEEVIL: Dude, you scored with the ocean? Hehe. What a freaky fish guy.
MAKO: I AM NOT A FREAKY FISH GUY! I shall murder your entire family for saying that!
WEEVIL: GAHH! Get off me, fartknocker!
KAIBA: (above, appearing onscreen on a blimp) Greetings duelists. I am Seto Kaiba and this blimp is roughly a third the size of my ego. My company has taken control of the entire city in order to host a card game tournament, putting several hundred people out of business in the process. For those of you who don't know the rules of Duel Monsters, I shall now explain them to you in detail. You start off by shuffling your deck--
VOICE: Bo-ring!
KAIBA: Who said that!? Who the f*ck said that!? I'm warning you, I'm not going to start this tournament until somebody owns up! Now who said it?
VOICE: Sorry. That was me. My bad.
KAIBA: Get the hell out of my city.
(footsteps)
KAIBA: Good. Moving right along, in this contest, every time you win a duel, you will receive a locator card. Once you collect all six, it will reveal to you the location of the Battle City semi-finals. And before you ask, no, they're nothing like Star Chips. These are locator cards. It is completely different. OK, I'm sick of looking at you all now, so start the damn tournament already.
(Steve is watching "Eden: The Zhang Chronicles")
ZHANG: You my Wang, G?
WANG: Yes, I am Colonel Wang.
ZHANG: Can I touch you?
STEVE: Oh, hohohoho! It is funny because "wang" means penis!
JOEY: Brooklyn Rage!
STEVE: What do you want, Joey Wheeler?
JOEY: I'm here to get back my Red-Eyes Black Dragon!
YUGI: Joey, what the hell are you doing?
JOEY: This cape wearing freak stole my Red-Eyes, and now I'm gonna make him pay!
YUGI: (thinking) Sweet. I've always wanted my own Red-Eyes Black Dragon. (out loud) Joey, you must let me duel him in your place! It's my destiny. Probably.
JOEY: But, Yug, you're gonna make my character look like a total bitch if you do this for me.
YAMI: That's just it, Joey. You are a total bitch.
JOEY: God, you are such an asshole--
YAMI: Talk to the hand, bitch!
STEVE: So the great Yugi Moto thinks he can defeat a Rare Hunter?
YAMI: I don't think it, I know it. I'm going to beat you like I beat Jaden Yuki on the final episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX!
STEVE: But that duel had no conclusion!
YAMI: That's because when I won, Jaden started crying like a little baby. It was so embarassing that the network refused to show it. That's why I never work with amateurs.
(Kaiba observes their duel)
KAIBA: How very fitting that Yugi is competing in the first duel of my tournament. Its only a matter of time before he and I face off against each other again. After all, he's my arch rival. The Sherlock Holmes to my Moriarty. The Kaneda to my Tetsuo. The Speed Racer to my Racer X. I could go on but I won't.
MOKUBA: Charmander, Char!
KAIBA: Shut up, Charmander! ...I mean, Mokuba.
(a parody scene of "Who's That Pokémon?" with a Pokémon-esque silhouette)
VOICES: Who's that Mokémon?
(fades out and back in. The silhouette is revealed to be Mokuba with Pokémon ears drawn on him.)
VOICES: It's Buneary!
MOKUBA: Buneary!
(back in Battle City)
YAMI: Activating holo imagers! (imagers shoot out from duel disk, hit a cat)
STEVE: Heheheh! (imagers shoot out from duel disk)
BAKURA: I say Yugi, can I be in this episode? (impaled by an imager) Oh, bugger!
JOEY: Be careful, Yug. This guy means business. He wasn't even remotely intimidated by my Brooklyn Rage!
YAMI: Joey, stop trying to turn "Brooklyn Rage" into a catchphrase. It's never going to work!
JOEY: But I'm not trying--
YAMI: Just stick to saying "Nyeah". It's all you're good for.
JOEY: Nyeh?
STEVE: Your friend is right, Yugi. You have no chance against my ultimate strategy!
YAMI: Let me guess, you're trying to summon Exodia the Forbidden One.
CAPTION: [obligatory over-the-top animé pose]
STEVE: No-o-o-o! How does he know!?
YAMI: Well if I were a generic villain with no genuine backstory, that's what I would be doing too. Face it Steve, your genericness knows no bounds. Now, cower before my Egyptian Rage!
JOEY: And how is THAT different from "Brooklyn Rage"?!
YAMI: Because I said Egyptian. Go, Alpha The Magnet Warrior! Destroy Steve's Life Points and put an end to his generic reign of mild terror!
KAIBA: (observing the duel) Looks like Yugi won again. It sure is nice to know that my tournament has started so predictably! Come, Mokuba! I feel like stepping on some little people!
MOKUBA: Mr. Mime!
(Millennium symbol appears on Steve's forehead, and Marik talks through him)
MARIK: We meet again, Pharaoh! Finally, after all this time, I will destroy you!
JOEY: Aw, crap, he's gone all Psycho Mantis on us!
MARIK: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Marik. And I am in charge of the most feared animé organization known to man!
YAMI: The Samurai Pizza Cats?
MARIK: Yes－wait, no, not the {EFF!}ing Samurai Pizza Cats! I'm talking about the Rare Hunters! With their help, I shall steal that which is most precious to you!
YAMI: You'll never claim my Millennium Puzzle!
MARIK: Who said anything about your PUZZLE? I want your screentime. That's far more valuable than your [EFF!]ing puzzle!
YAMI: I thought you wanted to kill me.
MARIK: Yes, I... wait, no, I don't want to KILL you! I just want to destroy you a little. Jeez, talk about overreacting.
YAMI: Well, could you please make up your mind? I'm having a little difficulty understanding your evil motives.
MARIK: Silence! All you need to know is that I am evil! And I'm going to defeat you! And if that doesn't make you fear me, then take a look at this!
(RUN DMC vs Jason Nevins' "It's Like That" starts playing and Steve contorts grotesquely)
MARIK: Yes, you see, Pharaoh? With my Millennium Rod, I can force people to break dance! See how he pops and locks against his will? Truly I am a formidable opponent!
YAMI: I could dance like that if I wanted to. I just don't want to.
(Ending: Samurai Pizza Cats theme plays.)
CAPTION:
[steve shall return in
step up 3: step harder]
(stinger)
YAMI & YUGI: Go, Team Venture! (they high five each other)
(Post-ending: Game Shop, where the Do Not Disturb sign still hangs on the door and "Sexual Healing" still plays)
GRANDPA: Ooooh, Black Luster Soldier! I don't care if our love is forbidden! It's fun! Whee-hee!
YUGI: Grandpa! (record scratch) What the hell are you doing to that poster?!
GRANDPA: Uh... I was just... CLEANING it. ...With my naked body... you want to help?
YUGI: ...Not really.
GRANDPA: Please don't judge me!
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