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← "Muerte Pinata" #62: "Winged Dragon of Rawr!" "Yu-Gi-Oh Kai!" →

Cast (in order of appearance): Tristan Taylor, Joey Wheeler, Marik Ishtar, Yami Yugi, Melvin, Gruber Seto Kaiba, Téa Gardner, Mokuba Kaiba, Odion Ishtar, Ishizu Ishtar, Duke Devlin, Mai Valentine, Serenity Wheeler, Ryo Bakura, Hans, Solomon Muto

Running time: 11:06

TranscriptEdit

CAPTION: Previously...

TRISTAN: (voiceover) Previously, on Drooling Monsters...

JOEY: (voiceover) Duel Monsters, ya nimrod!

MARIK: I'm back, baby!

YAMI: Oh, it looks like Marik isn't Marik anymore! He's actually Marik!

YUGI: I can't see sh**, but it sounds very confusing.

TRISTAN: So wait, is that the evil Marik, or the evil Marik?

JOEY: The evil Marik.

TRISTAN: Oh, now I'm up to speed.

MELVIN: (as an eye) Enough of this! Marik, I command you to win this game and take the Pharaoh's power into your hands! Then we will rule the world together.

MARIK: But you're just an eyeball now. How're you going to rule anything?

MELVIN: I will... blink at things. Angrily, until they submit.

MARIK: No! I'm through with people telling me what to do! From now on, the only person who tells me what to do is me.

MELVIN: But— that's exactly who I am!

MARIK: There's only room for one Marik Ishtar on this planet... (his hand moves to his Duel Disk in order to surrender the Duel)

MELVIN: (over Marik's speech) Wait—

MARIK: ...and it's not the Marik Ishtar that's not me!

MELVIN: (over Marik's speech) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-aaaahhhhh! (his eye vanishes with a pop)

(Yugi's spirit is freed and falls to the ground)

YUGI: Woooh... Hey, my crotch is back!

YAMI: Good to know, Yugi. It looks like Marik's evil half didn't stand a ghost... of a chance!

YUGI: That... joke doesn't really work in this context, Pharaoh.

YAMI: F**k you, it was funny.

(opening sequence; title reads Yu-Gi-Oh! the ruined series)

GRUBER: (offscreen except for his hand, which he raises to declare the duel over) Marik Ishtar has surrendered! Yugi Muto is ze winner of the Battle City Tournament!

KAIBA: Oh, piss on that!

YAMI: If you'll all excuse me, I have prepared a list of people to thank who got me this far. (clears his throat) Me. There we go.

KAIBA: Piss on you!

JOEY: Yug! You won! Just like you did in the last tournament and every similar encounter up to now!

TÉA: What an unpredictable adventure full of twists and turns!

TRISTAN: I liked the part when we stood nearby and watched the important thing happen!

KAIBA: Piss on all you guys! This was supposed to be my tournament! I spent, like, five hours arranging it! Five. Whole. Hours.

JOEY: Oh, man, it looks like Kaiba's got a severe case of butthurt. Somebody call the wambulance!

KAIBA: Nobody call the wambulance!

MOKUBA: Hello, wambulance? My brother's butt is hurting!

KAIBA: Mokuba, hang up that phone!

MOKUBA: (offscreen) But bro, your butt!

KAIBA: I won't let my tournament end on such a mushy, positive note. I'm going to do something so horrible, that it will steal all the attention from you guys and put it right back where it belongs: with Seto Kaiba!

YAMI: What are you going to do, blow up the island and kill everybody?

KAIBA: Nnnnooooo....?

YAMI: You sound like you're going to do that now.

KAIBA: C'mooooon, are you kiddiiiing? C'moooooon, who do you take me fooor? C'moooooon! (to Mokuba) Mokuba, ready the thermal charges.

MOKUBA: 'Kay.

MARIK: Here, Pharaoh. I bestow unto you the last of the Egyptian God cards: The Winged Dragon of R

YAMI: (upon taking the card) I thought it was called "Mega Ultra Chicken".

MARIK: Oh, that's right. I guess I forgot.

YAMI: That is inexcusable. You should be ashamed of yourself.

MARIK: I mean, it's just a trading card...

YAMI: Stop ruining Yu-Gi-Oh!, Marik!

MARIK: Pharaoh, it is now time for me to reveal the secret that I've been holding my entire life! Take a look at thi—! (He tries to take off his shirt, but fails halfway through. He tries again two more times, but fails) God damn it!

YAMI: That is very impressive, yes.

MARIK: No not this, I'm trying to... (tries taking his shirt off again and again) Frig, damn it! Somebody help, I'm stuck!

YAMI: I'm very glad that I could be here for this moment.

MARIK: Shut up! (tries removing his shirt) Odion, help me get undressed, please!

ODION: Would you like your feety pajamas, Master Marik?

MARIK: No, I don't want my friggin' feety pajamas!

(Odion succeeds in removing Marik's shirt, revealing the tattoo of the Egyptian Gods on Marik's back)

YAMI: O.M.E.G.! Baby got back! Big time!

TÉA: Humina-humina-humina, hoo-wee!

JOEY: Oh, good, now his pants are coming off too. Great.

TÉA: Humina-humina-humina... (her eyes roll up)

MARIK: Behold, Pharaoh!

YAMI: I'm beholding...

MARIK: The secrets to unlocking your hidden memories...

YAMI: Uh-huh.

MARIK: ...is written upon my back!

YAMI: Please don't turn around.

MARIK: (revealed to be completely naked; his lower body is blurred off) And now, my debt to you has been repaid!

YAMI: Oh my God, a giant cock!

MARIK: Inscribed upon my back are the answers to the mysteries of life, the universe and everything!

YAMI: Shame I couldn't read it.

MARIK: What?

YAMI: It was all written in Egyptian.

MARIK: But, you're a Pharaoh.

YAMI: But I don't have my memories, so the whole language thing is kind of a moot point.

MARIK: I've been carrying this secret on my back for years just waiting for you.

YAMI: Well, maybe if somebody bothered to write it in English...

MARIK: It's supposed to help you.

YAMI: Sorry, but I think I actually know less about what I'm supposed to do now.

MARIK: Geez.

YAMI: Gotta say, it's a pretty sweet tattoo, though.

MARIK: I know, right? All the dudes love it.

YAMI: What's that?

MARIK: All the ladies love it.

YAMI: Oh, okay.

JOEY: (offscreen) Uh, Marik, could you put some pants on? (cut to Joey and a moaning Téa) I think Téa is clinically brain-dead right now.

ISHIZU: Now that Marik's evil half has been sent to the Shadow Realm, all those he has banished are free to return.

JOEY: Like Mai! And that other guy! What's his name? Barry?

YAMI: Yes, Barry! Good guy! I'm sure there will be absolutely no negative consequences to this. (an afterimage of Florence appears behind Yami, laughing evilly) Nope, it's all good in the hood.

JOEY: Let's go check on Mai!

YAMI: Bet she's busy macking on some dude! Am I right? Eh?

(cut to Mai's room on the blimp)

YAMI: Oh, I wasn't right, she's in a coma. Sorry. My bad.

JOEY: Mai, are you okay?

SERENITY: Joey, she won't wake up! I think she's going to be in a coma forever!

JOEY: No! Mai! This can't be happening! I love you! I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you!

MAI: (opens an eye) Psych! I'm not really in a coma. (places an arm around Joey) I was just messing with you.

JOEY: What?

MAI: Serenity was in on it, too.

JOEY: What?

SERENITY: (laughs) You should see the look on your face, big brother!

MAI: (gives Joey a noogie) Tricking people into thinking I'm a brain-dead vegetable for five seconds was hilarious!

YAMI: Oh.

TRISTAN: I've seen some f**ked up things in my time, but that was the f**kest uppest.

(cut to the kitchen room)

JOEY: What the hell is a "kitchen room"?

(the door opens, revealing Bakura eating from the pantry)

TRISTAN: I hope they have a bathroom room.

BAKURA: Hello, blokes! I was bloody famished! But this nosh is scrum-diddly-umptious!

JOEY: Bakura, that food was meant to go to all the starving kids back home!

BAKURA: Oh, bollocks.

JOEY: You monster.

TRISTAN: I knew he was evil.

YAMI: Stop ruining Yu-Gi-Oh!, Bakura!

(cut to the blimp's cockpit)

HANS: Und now, ve vill fly away from ze island at breakneck speed! (flicks the switch, but it fails) Aw, Scheiße.

JOEY: Hey, why ain't we taking off?

GRUBER: Something appears to be wrong with ze engines.

(cut to the engine room with the alarm setting off)

KAIBA: Hey, Mokuba, I'm doing a really hard crossword puzzle. What's an eight-letter word that means "to deliberately destroy, damage or obstruct, especially for political or military advantage"?

MOKUBA: Uh..."sabotage"?

KAIBA: Bingo.

(beat)

MOKUBA: You're not really doing a crossword, are you, bro?

KAIBA: No. No, I'm not.

(cut to a helicopter about to take off)

TÉA: Just think, Joey. If you hadn't passed out, they wouldn't have sent this helicopter to help you, and we would still be stuck on the island.

CAPTION: [actual 4kids dialogue]

JOEY: (unenthusiastically) Oh yeah, thank God I was almost brutally murdered. What a relief. That is a huge load off of my mind, thank God that I almost was killed. You suck, Téa.

(the helicopter takes off)

YAMI: I knew Kaiba didn't have the Kuribohs to blow up the island. Deep down inside, he's really just a soft-hearted, sentimental— (several seagulls fly away as the Duel Tower explodes) That cold-hearted son of a bitch! Next time I see him, he gets a kick in the Kuribohs!

SERENITY: I wonder if Kaiba's okay.

JOEY: Eh, he's gotta be toast. Goodnight, sweet douchebag. And a flight of Blue-Eyes White Dragons sing thee to thy— Nyeeehhh! Holy crap, it really is a flight of Blue-Eyes White Dragons!

(Kaiba laughs as he leaves on his Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet)

JOEY: Ah, my bad, Kaiba's not dead. Apparently, he survived by hiding inside a Fisher Price toy.

YAMI: What in the flying blue crap is that?

KAIBA: It's my own personal Blue-Eyes jet! Jealous, Yugi?

YAMI: Of your completely ineffectual, impractical, totally-not-aerodynamic-at-all, childish-looking rocket ship? Oh, definitely! You don't look silly, Kaiba!

KAIBA: Mokuba, you like the jet, right?

MOKUBA: (whispering) He's insaaane!

KAIBA: See? Mokuba's having a good time!

YAMI: About that whole "trying to murder us" thing...

KAIBA: I have a Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet, your argument is invalid (flies away while laughing maniacally)

YAMI: And suddenly, card games on motorcycles don't seem quite so ridiculous.

(cut to Kaiba and Mokuba on the jet)

KAIBA: Okay, Mokuba, let's go build Kaiba Land!

MOKUBA: Yay! Even though Kaiba Land was already featured in Season One, we're going to go build it! Again, I guess! Yaaaay!

KAIBA: Screw you, continuity!

(cut to Domino Pier at sunset; Come Sail Away by Styx plays)

ISHIZU: Pharaoh, I cannot thank you enough for helping my brother.

MARIK: Yes, apparently, losing that card game made me not insane.

YAMI: Who needs expensive therapy when you have expensive trading cards?

MARIK: Thanks to you, Pharaoh, I am now able to go back to my normal life, living underground in the middle of buttf*ck nowhere guarding some dead guy's tomb. Oh, thank the gods you helped me out.

YAMI: Try not to go crazy again and kill everybody.

MARIK: I promise nothing.

(the Ishtars leave on a boat)

JOEY: You know, I think I'm kinda gonna miss that homicidal maniac.

YAMI: Yes, I quite enjoyed that one conversation I had with him.

TRISTAN: There goes a man with a very sexy midriff.

YAMI: Learned something about you today, Tristan.

DUKE: (SexyBack plays in background) I should go, too. This whole experience has given me some ideas. I'm going to host a Dungeon Dice Monsters tournament in Domino City. And the winners of each game have to give each other their rarest dice.

YAMI: So it's just like Battle City.

DUKE: No, it's nothing like that.

YAMI: Only with dice.

DUKE: Yyyeah.

YAMI: Get out of here, ya hack!

(cut to Joey and Mai)

JOEY: Mai, don't go!

MAI: I have to, Joey.

JOEY: But I probably love you and stuff.

MAI: Really? Tell me one thing about my character that doesn't involve my breasts.

JOEY: Well... you've got a great ass.

MAI: (leaves on her car) Bye, Joey!

JOEY: Wait, come back, Mai! Apply the handbrake, ya dumb broad! Man, this is like, the third time a girl has rejected me for insulting her and treating her like a piece of meat. I wonder what I'm doing wrong?

(cut to Kame Game)

YUGI: Battle City's over. But there's one more thing we have to do.

YAMI: Joey deserves a fair Duel to win back his Red-Eyes. Unfortunately for him, he's Dueling me.

YUGI: Maybe we could go easy on him this one time.

YAMI: Yugi, he uses Swordsman of Landstar. Unironically. He deserves everything he gets.

YUGI: I gotta get out of here. I just hope I don't wake Grandpa (is about to leave the shop, but stops when Solomon calls him)

SOLOMON: Yuuu-gi! Are you trying to run away from home again?

YUGI: No, of course not, Gramps! Why would I wanna leave? You're such great company. I love having to change your bedsheets every five hours. And oh, man, your war stories... they're so... captivating.

SOLOMON: That reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly slaughtered an entire squadron of— (Yugi leaves) Wait, where did he go? Did I imagine all of that? Do I even have a grandson? (cut to outside of the game shop) Hello? Am I in Fight Club?

(cut to Yami and Joey Dueling in Domino City at dawn)

JOEY: It's just you and me, Yug. Time to put my experience to the test!

YAMI: You bet, Joey! And remember: if you believe in the Heart of the Cards, you can accomplish anything! (activates his Duel Disk)

CAPTION: [several turns later...]

JOEY: Hey, thanks for playing, Yug!

YAMI: Wha— how the hell did you beat me?

JOEY: Like you said, I believed in the heart of the cards.

YAMI: But, I made all of that s**t up. I— I mean, um, uh, maybe we don't talk about this next season, okay? I... have a reputation to uphold and all.

JOEY: Sure thing, Yug. But oh man, what a Duel, huh?

YAMI: Yes, it was... quite a contest.

JOEY: Totally had you on the ropes.

YAMI: Eh, uh, it was touch and go.

JOEY: I can't believe I beat you with Swordsman of Landstar!

YAMI: Stop ruining Yu-Gi-Oh!, Joey!

(ending, "Come Sail Away" plays)

CAPTION:
[duke's originality ended up
landing him a job with EA]

(stinger; cut to blimp)

KAIBA: (as Jesus Quintana) Are you ready to be f**ked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna f**k you up.

JOEY: (as The Dude) Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

(post-ending; cut to a brain-dead Téa)

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