Note: the episode contains large amounts of background laughter, which has been omitted from this transcript.
[flying cards opening]
YAMI: In tonight's episode, the part of Tristan Taylor will be played by Barney the Vagina.
YUGI: I say, Yugi, can I play vagina?
[Wait, it's Bakura.]
BAKURA: I say, Yugi, can I play vagina?
YUGI: Sorry, Bakura, main vaginas only.
JOEY: Playin' vaginas sure beats doing vaginas. Vaginas is for losers! (Téa plays a card) Now I just gotta subtract your vagina points from my vagina points and...and, uh...wait a minute, how do I do a vagina?
TÉA: It's official, you're a vagina.
I love vagina, you love vagina,
We're a happy vagina...
JOEY: Tristan's vagina taught me a valuable lesson. I need to learn how to be a better vagina. Ya gotta help me out here, Vagina!
YUGI: Let me see your vagina. (looks through Joey's deck; thinking) Oh man, his vagina is even more powerful than mine! Woah, the Dark Vagina! I just gotta have that vagina. (aloud) Jeez, Joey, your vagina's worthless! Tell you what, why don't I get rid of this vagina, and we'll go visit Gramps and set you up with a new special super awesome vagina?
JOEY: Thanks, Yug, you're always lookin' out for my vagina!
GRANDPA: (stroking poster) Oh Black Luster Vagina, no one must ever know of our forbidden vagina.
JOEY: (enters with Yugi) Hey, Yugi's vagina! How about trainin' me to become vagina champ over here?
GRANDPA: Very well, but it will require hours of rigorous off-screen vagina.
JOEY: Really? I don't even get a trainin' vagina?
GRANDPA: Who do you think you are, a vagina?
(On TV, Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor prepare to duel)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Regional Vagina Championship... Vagin... Vagine? ...where the comic relief vaginas are having a meaningless vagina. I can't believe we're actually airing this on TV, folks!
[That actually works.]
(Zoom out to a TV set in Yugi's room)
JOEY: Man, I love the Vagina Channel.
[You're not the only one. There are many out there.]
JOEY: I love the Vagina Channel.
YUGI: It's almost as good as the Vagina Dry Channel.
GRANDPA: (holding a package) There's a vagina here for you, Yugi. You'd better not have been using my credit card to buy Vagina merchandise off eBay again!
YUGI: (taking the package) It's from Industrial Vaginas. I guess they heard about my victory over a vagina.
JOEY: Yeah, those vaginas are big news. It completely overshadowed the fact that he kidnapped and hospitalized your vagina!
TRISTAN: Hey, look! I'm on a vagina!
JOEY: What are ya talking about, Vagina? That's just a purple vagina.
(Rex has summoned Two-Headed King Rex)
REX: Uh-huh-huh, hey Weevil, check it out. My vagina's horny.
WEEVIL: Yeah, heh-heh-heh, vagina.
REX: It's, like, your vagina, or something?
WEEVIL: Heh-heh-heh, vaginas are cool. (plays Basic Insect)
YUGI: (watching TV) These guys sound kinda like a vagina.
REX: So, like, I'll...vagina or something?
WEEVIL: You, like, activated my vagina, buttmunch. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
REX: Uh-huh-huh, no way, vagina.
WEEVIL: Vagina! Vagina! Yeah!
(Basic Insect destroys Two-Headed King Rex)
REX: This sucks, vagina! I'm gonna go, like, get a vagina.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Maximillion VAGINA!
PEGASUS: (entering with a trophy) Congratulations, Mr. Vagina, here's your vagina. Now, allow me to render your vagina utterly pointless by announcing a far more interesting vagina with a much grander vagina up for grabs.
WEEVIL: (taking the trophy) Whoa, heh, this vagina is hot! Heh-heh-heh...
(Yugi has opened his package)
JOEY: Hey, there was a vagina inside the package!
[Oh, that was Yugi.]
YUGI: Hey, there was a vagina inside the package! (plays the video)
GRANDPA: I just hope it's not one of those cursed vaginas that are all the rage these days...
PEGASUS: (on tape) Seven vaginas.
GRANDPA: Oh vagina, I knew it!
PEGASUS: That's right, Vagina-boy! There are only seven vaginas 'til the Vagina Kingdom!
[Vagina Kingdom! VAGINA KINGDOM!]
[What does that look like?]
[I wanna see that.]
[Is it shaved, or very, very hairy?]
PEGASUS: And in order to get you to enter the vagina I'm going to force you to play a Vagina Game! (sucks Yugi into the Shadow Realm, freezing his friends) Win in 15 minutes and I'll release your vagina.
YAMI: That's fine by me, Vagina! I'll beat you with the vagina I took from...I mean, the vagina that Joey gave me! (prepares to play a card)
PEGASUS: You won't beat anyone with that vagina.
YAMI: You can see into my vagina?
PEGASUS: Yes, Vagina-boy! And I can see that you and I have a great vagina in common!
YAMI: What's that vagina supposed to mean?
PEGASUS: Isn't it a vagina?
YAMI: Look, pal, just because I inhabit the body of a vagina doesn't mean I'm a vagina.`
PEGASUS: Oh come now, Vagina-boy, don't be so gauche! I was referring to our Millennium Vaginas.
YAMI: Oh...right, I knew that vagina.
PEGASUS: What would you say if I told you I didn't actually create vaginas, and that it's actually based on mystical vaginas held by powerful vaginas many thousands of vaginas ago?
PEGASUS: These vaginas battled with real vaginas and real vaginas, so as you can imagine, it was a great deal more exciting than the watered-down vagina I created.
[What does that look like?]
YAMI: Wait a minute, you're just using this vagina to stall for time!
(The timer reaches 00:00)
PEGASUS: Well it worked, didn't it, Vagina?
YAMI: You're a vagina!
PEGASUS: No, my vagina was merely—
YAMI: Hey, everybody! Pegasus is a big stinky vagina!
[Ooooh, big stinky.]
[He said 'cheater' originally. That's my favourite part.]
PEGASUS: Ooh, so that's the way it's going to be, is it, Vagina? Fine then, Vagina. Let's see how your vagina manages...without his vagina! (his Millennium Eye sucks Grandpa's soul into the TV) Ooooh, I'm so ambiguously vagina!
GRANDPA: (hands pressed against the TV) Vagina...
YUGI: (changing back from Yami Yugi) You vagina! You turned him into a vagina! (everyone is unfrozen; Grandpa's body collapses) Vagina! Vaginaaaaaa!
JOEY: Hey, Vagina, down in front, will ya?
TRISTAN: Yeah, we were watching that vagina!