Running Time: 10:27
Special Title: YGO 5Ds One Shot - Card Games For Charity
in association with Card Games For Charity
(“Head Honcho” by Gown starts)
(shots of New Domino City at night with the following subtitles)
NEO DOMINO CITY
Totally not Midgar
Still not Midgar
See how NOT Midgar this is?
No Moogles here, man
NOT the Shinra building
(In the Duel Stadium. pyrotechnics go off and Jack Atlas appears, riding his Duel Runner/motorcycle)
ANNOUNCER: (off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, may I present, in his one man production of “Hamlet on Motorcycles”, Jack Atlas!
JACK (constantly shouting): TO BE, OR NOT TO BE, ON A MOTORCYCLE. THAT IS THE QUESTION!
CHEERLEADERS: (sounding something like Tea) Hamlet! Hamlet! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!
(Cut to Yusei’s hideout, where Yusei and his friends are all watching Jack on TV)
CHEERLEADERS (on TV): Go...Hamlet!
TAKA: Hey, Yusei, Jack’s making an ass of himself on TV again.
YUSEI: I have better things to do than watch that guy, like make out with my girlfriend.
AKIZA: Oh, Yusei, that’s so sweet of you to say--
YUSEI: (interrupting) I was talking about my bike.
RALLY: How come you never hang out with Jack anymore, Yusei?
YUSEI: It’s a long and awesome story, little one. We used to be in a rock band together. Called ourselves "Team Satisfaction". We wanted to have the gayest band name in the world, but unfortunately Coldplay was already taken. We were best friends, and even better musicians.
RALLY: So what happened?
YUSEI: One night, we were set to perform in front of the entire world. But then, we experienced some..."technical difficulties".
CAPTION: Two years earlier...
YUSEI: Okay, mic check. Testing, testing, one two three! Jack, you wanna check your mic?
JACK: OKAY! TESTING, TESTING, ONE TWO THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
(The city explodes in a column of flame and is viewed from space)
YUSEI: The strange part is that the microphone wasn’t even plugged in. It was the worst night of our lives.
RALLY: Because the city was destroyed?
YUSEI: Because none of us got laid! Nobody wanted to sleep with us because they were too busy burning to death. The band split up that night. Me, Jack, Crow and Kiryu, we all went our separate ways.
RALLY: Come on, Yusei, sing one of your songs.
YUSEI: Forget it, kid. I don’t do that stuff anymore. These days, I just wanna spend my time riding my girlfriend. All. Night. Long.
AKIZA: Oh, Yusei, I thought you’d never say something so-
YUSEI (cutting her off again): Talking about the bike.
(Cut to upset Akiza while the TV is heard in the background)
ANNOUNCER (talking over the shot of Akiza and a subsequent shot of Tank, Nerve and Blitz watching TV): And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the man who has ruined all other men for you, Jack Atlas!
JACK (on TV): TESTING, TESTING, ONE TWO THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
(TV explodes predictably, cut to shot of Yusei)
YUSEI: ...You guys owe me a new TV.
TAKA: That was our TV-
Yusei (cutting him off): I don’t care!
Godwin Music Corporation
GODWIN: Jack, we need to talk.
JACK: I MOSTLY JUST LIKE TO YELL!
GODWIN: Fine. I’ll talk, you can yell.
GODWIN: It’s about the band.
JACK: WHICH ONE!?
GODWIN: The one you used to be in.
JACK: I WAS IN A BAND!?
JACK: WERE WE GOOD!?
GODWIN: No, but you were popular.
JACK: OH, IS THAT GOOD!?
GODWIN: It’s very good, Jack. It doesn’t matter how talented you are, so long as people want to buy your merchandise. And that’s what I’m here to talk to you about. You see Jack, there’s a problem with your catchphrase.
JACK: YOU MEAN, (cut to different shot of Jack's face) CARD GAMES ON MOTOR-
GODWIN (cutting him off): Yes. That one.
JACK: I LIKE TO SAY THAT!
GODWIN: Yes, Jack.
JACK: ALL THE TIME!
GODWIN: Yes, Jack.
JACK: ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
GODWIN: Yes, Jack, but the problem that strikes me here is that you’ve been using it for well over a year now, and people are kind of getting sick of it.
JACK: YOU TOLD ME NOBODY WOULD EVER GET TIRED OF THAT CATCHPHRASE! YOU SAID IT WOULD MAKE ME THE ANIME EQUIVALENT OF THE FONZ!
GODWIN: Well, in that situation, I chose to do something we in the music business like to call: "Lying Through our Teeth". But don’t lose hope, Jack, that’s why I’m here! To lose hope for you. It’s time we rebranded your catchphrase.
GODWIN: Rebranding is where you take a property that the general public is sick to death of seeing, change it slightly and promote it as something completely different.
JACK: THAT SOUNDS BOTH INSULTING AND MANIPULATIVE!
GODWIN: I like to call it “good marketing”.
JACK: WELL NOW I THINK IT SOUNDS GREAT!
GODWIN: Take a catchphrase, for example.
JACK: CARD GAMES ON MOTORCY-
GODWIN (cutting him off): Jack, I will double your pay check right now if you never say those words again.
JACK: WHAT'S TWO TIMES ONE BILLION!?
GODWIN: Two billion, Jack.
JACK: THEN I WILL STOP SAYING IT! BUT ONLY BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MORE MONEY!
GODWIN: We need something catchier. Something the kids will latch on to. Something like “It’s time to rev it up!” or maybe “Kick this Turbo Duel into overdrive!”
JACK: HOW ABOUT "DUEL MONSTERS ON D-WHEELS!!!!!"
GODWIN: Perfect! It’s completely new, yet it’s exactly the same as the old one. Esteban, contact the sweat shops. I want it to be on T-shirts by tomorrow morning.
ESTEBAN (has stereotypical Mexican slave accent): Sí, Señor Goodwin.
GODWIN: It’s Godwin! Damn clowns and their clown language.
JACK: THAT'S RACIST!
GODWIN: Never mind my inherent hatred for other cultures, Jack, we have more important things to do. Like reunite Team Satisfaction.
GODWIN: The band. The one you were in.
JACK: I WAS IN A BAND!?
GODWIN: Yes, Jack.
JACK: WERE THEY GOOD!?
GODWIN: Absolutely! And that’s why it’s very important you talk to the other members about a reunion. It’ll be good for you, Jack. But more importantly, it’ll be good for the company.
JACK: BUT I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO YUUUUUUSEEIIIIIIII!!! IN YEARS!
GODWIN: Don’t worry about it, Jack, Yusei’s a smart kid. he’ll come around real easy. Though there was that one time he physically assaulted a security guard.
(Cut to Yusei running in a hall towards two guards next to a door.)
GUARD 1: Hey, is that the guy from Yu-Gi-Oh! GX? (gets uppercutted)
YUSEI: Lovely weather!
GUARD 2: You just beat up Tom! (gets punched)
YUSEI: Tip your waitress!
GODWIN: But you guys are old friends, compadres, blood brothers, hetero life partners, slightly homo life partners.
GODWIN: I’m sure once you guys get together, it’ll be like old times.
YUSEI: There’s something you should know.
JACK (quickly): WHAT IS IT YUSEI?!
YUSEI: I came.
JACK: TO THIS CITY?!
YUSEI: In my pants.
JACK: AGH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
YUSEI: It’s a medical condition. Years of doing nothing but ride my motorcycle have caused me to develop a hair trigger down there. Any number of things can set me off.
AKIZA: Like the sound of my voice.
YUSEI: No. That doesn’t do it for me.
JACK: YUUSEEI, WE HAVE TO REUNITE TEAM SATISFACTION!
YUSEI: That’s never going to happen, Jack! You know Crow went into hiding when they posted that video of him going crazy on the internet.
CROW (in video called “SIGNERS DO HAVE SOULS!!”): Signers have souls. Dude, you don’t know me! (makes a noise) Don’t frickin’ be that way! Dude, I’m a Signer! I’m proud of it!
(cut back to Jack)
JACK: I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS!
YUSEI: And as for Kiryu, he already signed on with another label. He’s more successful now than he ever was with Team Satisfaction. There’s no way you can convince all four of us to reunite.
JACK: BUT A MAN WITH LONG WHITE HAIR SAID WE HAD TO!
JACK: ALMOST IDENTICAL, YEAH! WHY?
YUSEI: Rex Godwin, my old nemesis. I should’ve known he’d be behind this.
JACK: I THOUGHT HE WAS OUR MANAGER!
YUSEI: Rex Godwin is a lot of things. But trustworthy isn’t one of them. Listen to me, Jack. Rex Godwin is evil. Pure and simple. He wants to use the powers of darkness to destroy the world and rebuild it in his image. You can’t trust him.
JACK: YOU'RE JUST MAD BECAUSE I HAVE A BETTER SINGING VOICE THAN YOU! (sings “MMMBop” again)
YUSEI: Am not.
JACK: ARE TOO!
YUSEI: Am not.
Jack: ARE TOO!
YUSEI: Jack, you’re being a child.
JACK: WOULD A CHILD DO THIS: LALALA, I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! LALALALALALALA!
YUSEI: Jack. I came again.
JACK: WHAAAAAAA~! (explodes)
(back at Godwin Music Corp)
GODWIN: Well, Jack, how did it go? Is the band back together? Can I start booking the reunion tour?
JACK: ACTUALLY, MR. GODWIN, THE REUNION ISN'T HAPPENING!
GODWIN: That’s very disappointing, Jack.
JACK: I KNOW! YUSEI SAID YOU WERE EVIL AND THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DESTROY THE WORLD USING THE POWERS OF DARKNESS!
GODWIN: Well, that’s just ridiculous!
JACK: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!
GODWIN: Everyone knows darkness doesn’t work. They tried that in Season 4 of GX.
JACK: There was a Season 4!?
GODWIN: The only thing strong enough to conquer the world is the power of Rock and Roll!
JACK: YEAH! WAIT, WHAT?!
GODWIN: That’s why I need you to reunite the band, Jack. Team Satisfaction are the only ones metal enough to achieve the total annihilation of every living thing on the planet. And I’m the only one who can fund such wide scale destruction.
JACK:YOU'RE SCARING ME, MR. GODWIN!
GODWIN: Rock out with me, Jack, and together we can rule the world as manager and washed up has-been.
JACK: THIS IS WRONG! ROCK AND ROLL ISN'T MEAND TO BE USED FOR EVIL!
GODWIN: You clearly have a lot to learn about the music industry.
JACK: I'VE LEARNED ALL I NEED TO KNOW! I QUI--
GODWIN (cutting him off): Jack, think about what you’re walking away from. I’ve offered you the chance to be the loudest, most obnoxious sounding person in history.
JACK: I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO THAT! I'M GOING TO MAKE MY OWN BAND, AND IT WILL BE THE LOUDEST BAND OF ALL TIME!
JACK: I HAVE GATHERED TOGETHER THE LOUDEST CHARACTERS IN THE ABRIDGED UNIVERSE! ESPA ROBA!
ESPA (also shouting): I thought this was an adoption agency!
JACK: AND LANIPATOR!
LANIPATOR: Hi. I’m Lanipator.
JACK: TOGETHER, WE WILL CREATE THE LOUDEST MUSIC THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN!
NARUTO: And a one. And a two. And a one, two, three, four!
(“Would You Like This Baby” with Naruto, Espa and Lanipator plays)
JACK (over credits): WAIT, THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ROCK AND ROLL!
ESPA (over credits): Of course not! It’s techno!
JACK (over credits): WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
ESPA (over credits): This is the only music I know how to play!
JACK (over credits): I CAN'T SING TO THIS! I QUIT!
ESPA (over credits): You don’t deserve a spot in my band, but you might make a good coaster for my drink!
Written, Edited, and Directed by
TheAzureCrow as Yusei Fudo
LittleKuriboh as Jack Atlas
KaiserNeko as Rex Godwin
Kirbopher as Crow & Esteban
Faulerro as Taka
Squeaky93 as Aki
blackrose1m as Rally
azurada23 as Guard #1
wraith10 as Guard #2
Lanipator as himself
Opening Titles animated by
“Hard Rock Hallelujah”
“Don’t You Want Me”
by The Human League
Special Thanks to
The Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged Site Staff
And To Everyone Who Donated
Yu-Gi-Oh 5D’s Belongs To
Konami, TV Tokyo, NAS,
And Kazuki Takahashi
Please Support The Official Release
Jack Atlas Will Be Back In
- Jack exclaiming about there being a Season 4 of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX is possibly a reference to LittleKuriboh's Other Abridged Movie. In which Joey Wheeler, after having been told that they were in a movie "based on Season Zero", exclaims in a similar manner about there being a Season Zero.
- It can also reference the fact that Season 4 of GX was never dubbed in English so some fans may not know about it.
- For some reason LittleKuriboh uses the Japanese names for 5D's cast, as seen in the credits and the usage of "Kiryu", "Godwin" and "Team Satisfaction".