Date: June 18, 2007
Running Time: 31:00
(The words "Little Kuriboh Pictures" appear on the screen with a roaring Kuriboh à la the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer movie openings)
(Fade to black, intro music from Bubba Ho-tep plays)
Abridged (uh-brij'd) v. 1. To shorten by
omissions while retaining the basic contents
2. To reduce or lessen in duration.
Yu-Gi-Oh! (yŭgiô) n. 1. Japanese phrase
meaning "Game King". 2. Popular children's
card game played by adults. 3. Animé series
based on a children's card game
played by adults.
(Logo appears: "Yu-Gi-Oh! the abridged movie")
(Close-up on ancient stone carving)
NARRATOR: Thousands of years ago, people were very bored, because card games hadn't been invented yet. So in order to pass the time, they started killing each other with magical powers. Then, one day, a nameless Egyptian pharaoh with ridiculous hair decided to lock the magic away, so that its evil could never fall into the wrong hands. And so, the people of Egypt were forced to spend their time building pyramids, which, ironically, was just as tedious as playing card games.
(Game shop - Yugi's room)
YUGI: (Thinking) I'm Yugi Moto. I'm 15 years old and I still haven't gone through puberty, so I'm always getting picked on at school, and girls refuse to go out with me. But once I complete this Millennium Puzzle, I'll use its dark powers to get my revenge.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
DISCOVERER 1: We've discovered the lost tomb of Anubis! This is the archaeological find of the century! We'll be rich and famous, just so long as we're not killed unexpectedly before the opening credits.
YUGI: (Thinking) Man, this puzzle is surprisingly difficult. Seriously, this thing is harder to solve than Myst! But it looks like I only have one piece left.
(Back to the tomb; the door shuts)
DISCOVERER 2: Oh no, we're trapped!
DISCOVERER 1: Quick! Let's start drinking our own urine!
DISCOVERER 2: Shouldn't we just wait for help or...
DISCOVERER 1: (Interrupts) Shut up and drink your urine!
YUGI: (he inserts the last piece of the puzzle) I've done it! This is super special awesome!
PERSON 1: The pyramid's collapsing! And I had such a full life ahead of me!
PERSON 2: (girl-like voice) Run away! Run away!
PERSON 3: (lisping) This is the worst honeymoon ever!!
YUGI: (Thinking, as visions of monsters appear) Oh my God! Such visions of horror! Such unimaginable evil! And what's that?! Oh, it's just Kuriboh. Ahh!
(He-Man music plays in background)
YUGI: By the power of Greyskull!
(Monster illusions disappear in light coming from Millennium Puzzle before Yami turns back into Yugi)
YUGI: Phew! I'm glad that's over with.
GRANDPA: (Off screen) Yugi! Are you trying to summon the forces of darkness in your room again?
YUGI: No, Gramps!
(New scene: People watch TV screens set up downtown showing various monsters and duels)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching the card game channel! Tonight we're airing a special 24-hour marathon of Yu-Gi-Oh! episodes - all of them censored for your viewing pleasure!
MAI: (watches while at a restaurant) My breasts are too big for this movie.
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode in which one character plays a card game with another character. I can just smell the ratings!
BEEFY MAN: This show sucks! It completely misrepresents the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game.
GEEKY BOY: I'm going to complain about it on my LiveJournal.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
YAMI: Behold! I have conveniently summoned all three Egyptian God Cards! Now Kaiba, you're about to feel the wrath of my pointy hair!
KAIBA: Your pointy hair is no match for my coat-tails of doom!
YAMI: (Recoils) Grrr!
YAMI: (Far-away and echo-y) I can't hear you.
YAMI: (still Far-away and echo-y) I said, I can't hear you. Come back down! You look really silly up there!
KAIBA: I don't understand what you're saying. I think I might be too high up.
YAMI: Look, when you're up there I can't make out what you're—
KAIBA: (split-screen appears) Does this help?
YAMI: Oh, a split-screen. Yeah, that's much better. Now I'm going to sacrifice two of my Egyptian God Cards to give Obelisk the Tormentor unlimited attack strength!
(A sound clip of Darth Sidious using his Force Lightning ("Unlimited POWER!") plays while Obelisk is being powered up)
YAMI: (jumps on Obelisk's head) Wheee! Now, Kaiba! Open wide and suck on my Obelisk!
KAIBA: Even though there's absolutely no chance of success, I'm gonna defy logic and attack you anyway.
YAMI: Not so fast, Kaiba! Obelisk, show him what true power is all about! Attack with Fist of Fury!
VOICES: (sound suspiciously like Joey and Tristan) Tooooormeeeent!
KAIBA: No! My dragon! Wait, shouldn't I be falling? Ah!
(Screen whites out and comes back like a computer screen cracking. 'System Error' is repeated in the background)
TECHNICIAN 1: The system is malfunctioning! It seems your ego was too large for the computer to simulate, sir.
KAIBA: You guys are so fired.
TECHNICIAN 2: Please, sir! Just give us another chance!
KAIBA: No. From now on you can babysit Mokuba. And by the way, he isn't potty-trained yet.
TECHNICIAN 1: But, sir! We've spent so much money on this project!
KAIBA: Screw the money, I have rules! ...Wait, let me try that again.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
PEGASUS: (Snores) Ooohh! (repeats)
PEGASUS: Oohh, it's my favourite dream when I'm starring in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert! Wait a minute, that's not Hugo Weaving! (Wakes up) Ahhh! What an un-fabulous dream! That blue pyramid... It looked so... so... tacky! I haven't felt this bad since the ' split up.
GRANDPA: (Reading Newspaper) I'm checking the obituaries to see if I've died yet! Ohh! It seems a team of archaeologists found an ancient Egyptian artifact, and then they were all killed. Those lucky bastards! When is it going to be my turn, dammit?
AIR CONTROL MAN 1: Launch sequence initiated! (Snickering) Blue-Eyes... White Dragon jet, you are cleared for take off. Heh-heh! I'm sorry, I can't help it, it just looks so stupid!
KAIBA: (Annoyed) Hnn...
MOKUBA: Big brother, can I be in the movie too?
KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.
("Rocket Man" by Elton John plays while Kaiba flies his jet)
(At Pegasus' pool)
PEGASUS: Mmm. Well, if it isn't my old friend, Kaiba-boy.
KAIBA: Spare me the pleasantries, Pegasus. We were never friends.
PEGASUS: Sounds like someone needs a hug.
KAIBA: (quickly) I'm not a very huggy person.
PEGASUS: Then how about a massage?
KAIBA: No, I'm fine really.
PEGASUS: What about a kiss?
KAIBA: Are you flirting with me?
PEGASUS: Whatever gave you that idea?
KAIBA: You just seem kinda forward.
PEGASUS: Hm. Really, Kaiba-boy, you say the silliest things! Now how about I smother your naked body in cream and lick it off?
KAIBA: There! You just did it again!
PEGASUS: Did what?
KAIBA: ...Never mind. I'm here because I need to be able to defeat Yugi's God Cards, and since you created them I figured you'd know how to do it.
PEGASUS: Well, yes. I do have one card that can defeat the Gods. But I don't think you deserve it. After all, Yugi-boy has thrashed you sooo many times...
KAIBA: In that case you should have no trouble defeating me in a duel. And if you win I'll give you my three Blue-Eyes White Dragons.
PEGASUS: Then it's a date!
KAIBA: Look, I'm not going out with you.
PEGASUS: (Shakes head) It's a figure of speech, Kaiba-boy! Now, let's go make sweet monkey love.
PEGASUS: I mean, play a children's card game.
KAIBA: (annoyed) Hnn...
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
YUGI: Man, school was awesome today! I only got beat up twice!
JOEY: Yeah, sorry about that, Yug.
TRISTAN: Hey, look! There's a bunch of duelists blocking our path!
YUGI: (Jumps to see) Erk! Joey, get your butt outta my face!
JOEY: Yeah, that's what she said!
PERSON 1: Hey, it's that little freak!
PERSON 1: He's the star of that crappy Yu-Gi-Oh! cartoon! Get him!
YUGI: Oh, poopy!
KID: (Struggling with the crowd) Your show is awful! The animation sucks!
GEEKY BOY: And what's more, you guys don't even know how to play the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game properly!
YUGI: It's not my fault! Blame the writing staff, not me!
TRISTAN: They kinda have a point you know! Our show does kinda suck, I mean, I never even do anything in it!
JOEY: And they gave me this lousy Brooklyn accent! Nyeh!
TÉA: Joey, you take care of these dorks. I'm gonna get Yugi to a safe bedroom... I mean hiding place. (Drags Yugi away) Come on, shortstuff.
YUGI: Are you taking me to the carnival?
TÉA: Oh, it'll be a carnival all right... Curses! We can't go that way! We need to hide somewhere that nobody else would ever consider going, even if their lives depended on it! Of course! The museum!
YUGI: Um... Téa. You can let go now.
PEGASUS & KAIBA: Let's duel!
KAIBA: You took the hottest duel monster in the game and turned it into a five-year-old girl. You have issues, man, serious issues.
PEGASUS: Oh! This coming from the guy who flies around in a jet shaped like a dragon.
KAIBA: That does it, you are so dead! I summon XYZ-Dragon Cannon!
(Music from "Transformers" plays)
PEGASUS: (gets flung backwards) Oh, the pain!
KAIBA: I still got it. Now to take my prize... Wait a minute, there's two cards here.
PEGASUS: But there should only be one! Kaiba, listen to me! You could be in serious danger!
KAIBA: (Interupts) I don't believe you. Bye now. (Walks away)
PEGASUS: Kaiba-boy, wait!
KAIBA: I'm not listening! Lalalalala, is somebody talking, because I can't hear them, lalalala...
(At the museum...)
TÉA: This is so romantic. Just you and me, alone in an empty museum...
YUGI: Hey, look, Téa. That blue pyramid...
TÉA: Nobody around for miles...
YUGI: It looks just like my Millennium Puzzle.
TÉA: We could get away with all sorts of naughty things.
YUGI: Let's go check out the exhibit.
TÉA: Are you even listening to me?!
YUGI: It says here it's the tomb of Anubis, Egyptian lord of the dead.
TÉA: Geez, why did I have to fall in love with a nerd?! C'mon, let's go make out before I stop being horny!
YUGI: Hey, it's my grandpa.
TÉA: Oh, for the love of crap!
YUGI: Grandpa, what are you doing out of the basement?
GRANDPA: I got lonely, so I decided to come look at things that are almost as old as I am.
YUGI: Oh, you came to look at the blue pyramid too, huh?
GRANDPA: It says here it used to belong to an ancient sorcerer who tried to bring about the end of the world, but he was stopped by a nameless pharaoh. The same pharaoh who supposedly held your Millennium Item, Yugi.
TÉA: This is starting to sound more and more like a bad fanfic.
GRANDPA: This was the sorcerer's sarcophagus. Try saying that three times! Come on, I dare you.
YUGI: What's it say on his sarcophagus?
GRANDPA: It's some sort of prophecy. "The eye that sees what's yet to come, its vision shall be fulfilled. Unless blinded by events predetermined, does light and shadows both be killed."
YUGI: What, was it written by Dr. Seuss?
GRANDPA: Whoa Nellie!
(A blinding light emerges from the sarcophagus. It clears to reveal a scene set in outer space showing the blue pyramid and the Millennium Puzzle. Music from The Magic Roundabout Plays.)
CAPTION: [this scene directed by david lynch]
YUGI: Hmm, I guess it's time for some thinly-veiled foreshadowing.
(Yami and Kaiba are seen rotating around in space.)
KAIBA: Hee hee. Owch.
ANUBIS: (grabs Kaiba by the head and says "Watch Naruto: The Abridged Series" backwards)
(Back at the museum...)
TÉA: Yugi, wake up!
YUGI: Did we just make love?
TÉA: Yeah, I wish! I never thought I'd say this, but we have bigger problems than your lousy sex drive. Look!
YUGI: Gasp! The mummy's been stolen! This is so not super special awesome! You guys stay here and take the blame for this, okay?
TÉA: Wait, where are you going?
YUGI: Look at me, Téa. Do you honestly believe a guy with my stature would survive in prison? They'd break me in five minutes!
TÉA: Call me!
GRANDPA: (wakes up) Oh, where am I?
TÉA: Hey, do you want to make out?
(Outside the museum...)
YUGI: (panting) I've gotta get out of here before the cops show up.
(Mokuba drives by in a limo)
MOKUBA: Stop the car! Hey, Yugi, my big brother wants to duel you. By the way, can I be in the movie?
YUGI: Shut up, Mokuba!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
JOEY: Man, I can't believe they deleted our big scene! I sure hope it's on the DVD.
TRISTAN: Joey, why does it hurt when I think?
JOEY: Nyeeh? It's Yug! And he's in a limo! Hey, wait for us!
YUGI: Eat my dust, you losers!
JOEY: Yugi's such an asshole.
TRISTAN: I farted; it's funny.
(Yugi is driven off to Kaiba's Duel-Dome. "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" plays as Yami and Kaiba step out onto the field)
(At the lobby area...)
JOEY & TRISTAN: Running!
JOEY: (flatly) I have no idea how we got here so fast.
TRISTAN: (flatly) Neither have I.
MOKUBA: Hey, guys, can I be in the movie?
JOEY: Shut up, Mokuba.
(Back in the arena...)
JOEY & TRISTAN: More running! Ooohh...
KAIBA: This is it, Yugi! I'm going to defeat you in a children's card game once and for all, and when I do, it'll prove that I'm not only a superior duelist, I'm also the star of this movie!
YAMI: The only movie you're starring in is the one where you lose, directed by M. Night Shyamalan! And the plot twist is: you're adopted!
KAIBA: We'll see about that! Mokuba, seal all the exits!
MOKUBA: Sure thing, bro! I am sealing the exits! The exits could not be more sealed than they are right now! Never before have exits been sealed like—
KAIBA: We get the picture.
MOKUBA: I love you!
JOEY: Uh-oh. Now we're stuck in here!
TRISTAN: I'm claustrophobic!
YAMI and KAIBA: Let's duel!
JOEY: Kaiba and Yugi are dueling! I've never seen that before!
TRISTAN: What a refreshing concept for this exciting movie!
YAMI: Now, I summon Slifer, the Executive Producer! Slifer no swiping! Slifer no swiping! Slifer no swiping!
KAIBA: Oh man...
YAMI: Only one duelist can be the star of this movie, Kaiba, and it's not the duelist that's not me!
KAIBA: I activate Obligatory Summon, forcing you to summon all three of your Egyptian God Cards! Now, Yugi, I have you right where I want you!
KAIBA: Reveal trap card: Pyramid of Light!
(Dramatic music plays as the Pyramid of Light forms around the battlefield.)
CAPTION: [moar ejipshun laser beems!!1]
KAIBA: Now your unstoppable Egyptian God Cards have been stopped!
MOKUBA: Big Brother, you did it! Huh? Whoa, that's kinda trippy!
(A big eye surrounded by a blood-red vortex appears on the pyramid's side.)
YUGI: Holy craa—
(Yugi winds up being sucked into the Millennium Puzzle.)
YAMI: Oh snap!
JOEY: I don't believe it! Something's actually happening in this movie!
TRISTAN: What in the name of Patrick Swayze is that?
JOEY: I'm not sure, but I think we're about to die.
TRISTAN: Help me, Superman!
(Both scream as their souls are ripped out of their bodies.)
JOEY: Nyeeh? What the?
TRISTAN: What's going on?
(The two are pulled into the red eye on the pyramid.)
TRISTAN: Billie Jeeeaaan!
JOEY: John Travoltaaa!
MOKUBA: I don't wanna be in the movie anymore!
(Back in town with Yugi's grandpa and Téa...)
GRANDPA: That's Kaiba's Duel-Dome! You know, in my day, we didn't have Duel-Domes. We had to play our card games out on the street, and our cards weren't even real cards. They were just rocks we picked up off the ground, and then we threw them at each other. Come to think of it, it wasn't really card games at all. We just liked to throw rocks at each other. Mostly at me. That's probably why I have so much self-loathing. Anyway, we should probably go over there.
(In the arena yet again.)
YAMI: Yugi, if you can hear me in there, don't mess around with my stuff! I just finished tidying! Kaiba, do you have any idea what you've done?
KAIBA: (mockingly) "Oh, Kaiba, do you have any idea what you've done?"
YAMI: That's not funny.
KAIBA: "That's not funny."
YAMI: Stop it! This is serious!
KAIBA: (quickly) A loser says "what".
(Yugi awakens to find himself in the labyrinth inside the Puzzle)
YUGI: Ugh, where am I? I think I've been here before. I seem to remember meeting an extremely racist caricature here. I've gotta find the Pharaoh. He can't possibly defeat Kaiba without my constant pestering!
("One Way or Another" plays as Yugi searches the rooms fruitlessly.)
YUGI: Pharaoh, where are you? Pharaoh? Pharaoh? Pharaoh?
(In frustration, he gives the famous "KHAAANNNN!" scream from "Star Trek II", which is overheard by Joey and Tristan.)
(Back in the arena again)
YAMI: What is it with you and gay clowns?
KAIBA: Attack with Bloodlust Slash!
YAMI: (gets stabbed by Peten) Man, that stings! I mean, I'm not bleeding or anything, but jeez!
KAIBA: And now I activate Tentacle Rape!
YAMI: Hey, this wasn't in my contract!
(In the labyrinth, Yugi stumbles across an Egyptian tomb.)
YUGI: Hello, is anybody in here?
(Zombie mummies begin to rise from the sarcophagi)
TRISTAN: Hey, do you hear something?
JOEY: What the heck was that about?
(The zombies approach with little word balloons reading "lol, brains")
JOEY & TRISTAN: Aaah! Even more running!
(In the arena...)
GRANDPA: Well, would you look at that!
TÉA: It looks just like the pyramid from the museum!
MOKUBA: Hey, how did you guys get in here?
TÉA: We came through the front door.
MOKUBA: But I thought I sealed all the exits. Oooohhh, I hate continuity!
GRANDPA: Anubis must be using his dark powers to get revenge on the Pharaoh.
TÉA: Are you saying that Yugi's sexy alter-ego is in danger? We have to do something!
GRANDPA: I can't do anything; I'm old.
MOKUBA: Hey, guys, can I help?
GRANDPA: Shut up, Mokuba!
YAMI: Kaiba, you son of a Sphinx! We have to stop this duel! The fate of the world depends on it! Not to mention my movie career!
KAIBA: If you wanna stop the duel so badly, why not just surrender?
YAMI: Because I don't want to.
KAIBA: I thought so.
(Back in the labyrinth...)
YUGI: (panting) I think we lost them.
TRISTAN: I'm so exhausted, I could poop blood.
JOEY: (sees the swirly red eye) What the heck is that thing?
YUGI: I don't know, but I think it has something to do with Anubis. We have to go back and defeat him. Otherwise, we'll never get out of here.
JOEY: Are you kidding? What about all those zombies?
YUGI: You're right. We need some kind of diversion. If only Bakura were here. We could've used him as live bait.
JOEY: Where is Bakura, anyway? I haven't seen him all day.
YUGI: Oh, he's busy making "Zorc and Pals: The Movie".
(Cut to a shot of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope where Alderaan explodes)
ZORC: I finally destroyed the world! (Canned laughter)
YAMI BAKURA: Well done, Zorc. What are you going to do now?
ZORC: I'm going to Disney World! (Canned laughter) And then I'm going to destroy it! (Canned laughter)
YAMI BAKURA: I love you, Zorc! (Canned applause)
(Cut back to Yugi's group)
TRISTAN: Who would want to watch that movie?
(Back to the arena...)
KAIBA: I summon the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, compliments of Pegasus!
YAMI: (sarcastically) Gee, another dragon. Why am I not surprised?
KAIBA: Can it, you loser! Do you have any idea how sick I am of your posing? You're pathetic! Nobody cares about you!
CAPTION: [kaiba is way off-script right now]
KAIBA: I'm the only reason people watch Yu-Gi-Oh! Me, Seto Kaiba! I have all the cool gadgets, I have all the best outfits and I have the most powerful monsters! Nobody would be watching this movie right now if it weren't for me, so just this once, I deserve to win! Oh, and by the way, I may be adopted, but at least I don't live with my grandpa!
GRANDPA: He's got a point there.
KAIBA: Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, attack his life points directly!
(A big screen in the style of Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the word "Intermission" shows up.)
CAPTION: (appears below the word "Intermission")
(You do realise you're watching a movie
about card games, right...?)
(Cut back to the duel)
YAMI: (falls over) Arrrggghhh, I fell on my keys!
GRANDPA: (offscreen, as the control booth crashes into the pyramid) Yugi, you can't die! Who's going to clean my bedpan when you're gone?
(Pegasus conveniently arrives in a helicopter with a rope ladder)
PEGASUS: Run! Get to da choppa!
TÉA: I thought he was dead!
(She, Mokuba, and Grandpa hold on to the rope ladder and climb up)
MOKUBA: Don't look at my butt!
TÉA: Don't look at my butt!
GRANDPA: Don't look at my— ...oh, there's nobody there.
(The three get into the helicopter with Pegasus)
MOKUBA: Hey, Pegasus, can I ride in the cockpit?
PEGASUS: Shut up, Mokuba.
(Back in the labyrinth)
JOEY: Yug, are you okay?
YUGI: I think I sprained something. If it's okay with you guys, I think I'll just sit here for the rest of the movie.
JOEY: Are you scared?
YUGI: No, I just don't like the idea of getting torn apart by hordes of zombies.
JOEY: God, you are such a wuss!
(Joey and Tristan carry a reluctant Yugi into the chamber.)
YUGI: I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!
TRISTAN: You're coming with us and that's that!
ANUBIS: Foolish humans! There's nothing you can do to stop my rebirth! I have infiltrated the realm of the Pharaoh and now his life force feeds my own!
YUGI: Yeah, but I bet you suck at card games.
JOEY: Oooooh, Yugi burned you good!
ANUBIS: Impudent brats! You waste your time! Soon, your series will be canceled and then you'll all cease to exist!
YUGI: You're lying! Take it back!
ANUBIS: Behold, the future, since none of you will live to see it!
(Above Anubis appears a black hole, in which images of Yu-Gi-Oh GX begin playing, causing the others to cringe in fear)
ANUBIS: Once I destroy you, 4Kids will have no choice but to create an all-new series of Yu-Gi-Oh!, and it won't involve any of you!
YUGI: This just got serious. We have to defeat Anubis, so that crappy spin-off show is never created. My grandpa said something about a prophecy back at the museum.
TRISTAN: What did the prophecy say?
YUGI: Hell if I know! I wasn't listening to him.
YUGI: Oh, come on, he's really old. Most of the stuff he says revolves around his bladder.
JOEY: We're going to die because of you.
TRISTAN: You're a jerk!
YUGI: Man, am I glad Téa's not here.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
TÉA: I can't hold back anymore! I must be with Yugi!
MOKUBA: No, Téa, don't!
GRANDPA: For God's sake, woman, can't you control your hormones for just five minutes?
PEGASUS: Oh, just let her jump.
TÉA: (dives into the eye) Wheeee! Moon Prism Power!
YUGI: (flatly) Oh good.
TÉA: (She appears as a hallucination before Yugi) Yugi, remember who you are. You must take your place in the circle of card games.
ANUBIS: Insolent girl! Your incessant Disney references are futile! Now I shall do all the fans a favor and destroy the most annoying Yu-Gi-Oh! character ever!
TÉA: (falls towards the zombies) Eeeeeee!!
YUGI/JOEY/TRISTAN: (flatly) Oh no.
TÉA: Spinning Bird Kick! (takes off two zombies' heads)
JOEY: Finally, an action sequence that doesn't involve card games!
("Burly Brawl" plays. The gang leaps into action, Joey punching off a zombie's head, Téa running around and Tristan getting his foot stuck kicking a zombie.)
TRISTAN: Holy [bleep] on a [bleep] sandwich!
JOEY: This scene is surprisingly violent!
(Tristan rips off the zombie's arm and kicks its torso away.)
TRISTAN: Did you see that? I just tore that guy's f***ing arm clean off! This is the best movie ever!
(Back in the arena again.)
KAIBA: Now, Yugi, watch as I beat you with your own God Cards! I sacrifice my Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon to destroy the Pyramid of Light!
ANUBIS: This I cannot allow! (He rises out of a dark, murky puddle behind Kaiba.)
YAMI: Look out, Kaiba! There's a naked man behind you!
KAIBA: Don'tlookathispenis don'tlookathispenis don'tlookathispenis don'tlookathispenis don'tlookathis—
(Anubis throws Kaiba aside.)
KAIBA: Aahhh! I looked.
YAMI: So, you're the one who's been behind this! The Egyptian lord of the dead, Anubis!
ANUBIS: I'm pleased that you remember me, Pharaoh!
YAMI: You certainly took your sweet time, didn't you! I mean, come on, the movie's almost over! Who do you think you are? Venom?
ANUBIS: Silence! Now, after 5000 years of waiting, I'm going to challenge you to a children's card game! And then I'll destroy the world!
YAMI: Why would you want to do that?
YAMI: What's the point in destroying the world? What do you gain from it?
ANUBIS: I don't understand the question.
YAMI: Look, you must have a reason for wanting to destroy the world. Otherwise, this whole movie was just pointless bickering!
ANUBIS: Of course I have a reason!
YAMI: Oh, goodie! Do you feel like sharing it with the class?
ANUBIS: No, it's a secret.
YAMI: You're the most disappointing movie villain since General Grievous!
ANUBIS: Try telling that to your friends.
YAMI: What are you saying?
ANUBIS: As we speak, my minions are devouring their souls. They are helpless without you, Pharaoh, and soon they shall die.
YAMI: That's it, pal, you just f***ed with the wrong Egyptian.
(Back in the tomb...)
TÉA: Eeek! Eat Tristan, not me!
TRISTAN: My voice gives me super-strength! (punches a zombie's head off)
YUGI: Here goes nothing! Ugh!
(Yugi dramatically throws a dagger he retrieved from Anubis's corpse at the glowing red eye on the tomb wall, the "Dambusters March" playing in the background, only to have the hilt anticlimactically bounce off, with the losing horns from "The Price is Right" playing in the background)
YUGI: Damn, I suck.
ANUBIS: Ha ha ha! That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen! (cracks appear in the eye) I'm cracking up—literally!
(In the arena)
(The dragon does just that. In the tomb...)
YUGI: (confronted by a zombie.) Okay, I'll give you all my lunch money! (the zombie disappears) Huh?
(In the arena again)
ANUBIS: You can't possibly have destroyed my Pyramid of Light on your own! You must have had help!
YAMI: Nope, it was all me, baby. Now I use "Reverse of Reverse" to activate the last card played by Kaiba, "Return from the Different Dimension"! Welcome back, my Egyptian Gods! Obelisk the Tormentor, Slifer the Executive Producer and Mega Ultra Chicken!
BILLYWITCHDOCTOR.COM: Chicken, arise. Arise, chicken, arise.
ANUBIS: You can't do that!
(Queen's "We Are the Champions" plays as Anubis gets fried)
ANUBIS: Curse you, Dan Green!
DAN FORDEN: (popping up in the screen corner) Toasty!
YUGI: Hey, Kaiba, are you okay?
(Anubis rises up again as a giant sludge monster before turning into a beast of some kind)
ANUBIS: You haven't beaten me yet! I'm going to summon all my darkest powers to destroy the world once and for all!
YUGI: Why didn't you just do that in the first place instead of wasting our time with that extremely tedious card game?
ANUBIS: Shut up! You're going to die, and then you'll be dead, because I killed you!
YUGI: How are we supposed to destroy a real monster?
KAIBA: The same way we do everything in this show - by using children's trading cards! Here, Yugi. I'd do it myself, but I'm obscenely rich. (quickly) I have lots of money.
YUGI/YAMI: Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon, destroy Anubis! Shining Nova Attack!
(The Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon destroys Anubis, while Ode to Joy plays)
CAPTION: (giant letters)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...
YUGI: Well, it looks like it's the end of the movie. All in all, it was kinda disappointing.
TÉA: I can't help but feel as it was all just some cheap cash-in made to promote a bunch of cards.
GRANDPA: It's almost like this whole story was thrown together at the last minute.
PEGASUS: I agree, so from now on, let's pretend it never happened.
KAIBA: These new cards I won from Pegasus are incredible. In fact, they're so powerful that I will never use them again. C'mon, Mokuba, we're getting out of this crappy little movie.
MOKUBA: Coming, bro!
KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba.
GRANDPA: This never would've happened when I was a boy! You kids these days and your Millennium Items, and your card games, and your loud music, and your hula hoops, and your hopscotch, and your dungarees, and your lollipops, and your Sony Playstations, and your voice-activated light switches, and your leather pants, and your artificial insemination...
YUGI: That's enough, Grandpa. It's time for the big message.
GRANDPA: (offscreen) Hey, I'm not finished ranting!
YUGI: We've learned that card games are the answer to all life's problems. And the only thing I know for certain in this world is that there's a strange man living inside my head who tells me to do things.
YAMI: You said it, Yugi. Now burn everything! Burn it to the ground!
A Room Full Of Monkeys
Slifer the Executive Producer
"Yu-Gi-Oh" created by
"Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series" created by
Yugi Moto - as himself
Atem - as himself
Seto Kaiba - as himself
Anubis - as himself
Seto Kaiba's ego - as himself
Mokuba Kaiba - not in the movie
Joey Wheeler - as himself
Tristan Taylor - as himself
Tristan Taylor's voice - as itself
Téa Gardner - as herself
Solomon Moto - as himself
Pegasus - as him/herself
Mai Valentine's Breasts - as themselves
Bakura - as himself
Sound - Alan Smithee
Lighting - Sam Fisher
Kaiba's Stunt Double - David Hayter
Best Boy - Noa Kaiba
Costumes - Leonie Sayers
Guy Who Jiggled Things When They Didn't Work - Martin Billany
Second Unit Director - Peter Jackson
Digital Duel Monster Effects provided by WETA Workshop
Pegasus' Wardrobe provided by Jean Paul Gaultier
To Abi - For raising me up
To MyAibou - For baiting me into the fandom in the first place
To Needlestone and Angela Rizza - For the Winged Dragon gag that eluded me for so long
To everybody on my LiveJournal - For making me feel like I'm worth paying attention to
To everybody on YouTube.com and DailyMotion.com - For being so very patient with me
To Upper Deck Entertainment - For all the free swag. And the support. (later removed)
To Everybody on PlayTheDamnCard - Without you guys, this wouldn't be
To my family - For remaining pleasantly oblivious to all this insanity
To Kazuki Takahashi for creating a series that's so much fun to lampoon.
And to you, for watching
Keep your head up.
(The following captions appear alongside the credits with a picture of the respective character)
YUGI FINALLY HIT PUBERTY AT THE AGE OF 23
HE STILL LIVES WITH HIS GRANDPA
TÉA BECAME A TABLE DANCER IN NEW YORK
HER TIPS ARE ENORMOUS
TRISTAN BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
HIS VOICE IS THE VICE PRESIDENT
KAIBA IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
THEY'RE MILKING HIM FOR EVERY LAST CENT
MOKUBA WAS KIDNAPPED SHORTLY AFTER THE EVENTS OF THE MOVIE
RANSOM DEMANDS HAVE NOT YET BEEN ISSUED
GRANDPA HAD A HEART ATTACK AT THE AGE OF 87
TO HIS DISMAY, HE SURVIVED
PEGASUS BECAME A REGULAR CAST MEMBER OF YU-GI-OH GX
WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?
MAI VALENTINE APPEARED IN PLAYBOY MAGAZINE
IT WAS THE HOTTEST SELLING ISSUE EVER
REX & WEEVIL EVENTUALLY SCORED
IT COST THEM A MONTH'S WORTH OF POCKET MONEY
BAKURA WAS COMMITTED TO A MENTAL INSTITUTE
FANGIRLS STILL SEND HIM "GET WELL SOON" CARDS
ZORC DIDN'T DESTROY DISNEYWORLD - IT WAS TOO MUCH FUN
HE DESTROYED EURODISNEY INSTEAD
YAMI BECAME A HUGE HOLLYWOOD STAR
HE WILL RETURN IN "FOR YOUR CARDS ONLY"
GRANDPA: ...your Blu-Ray Discs, and your pierced scrotums, and your bullfrogs, and your telekinesis, and your Marvel Comics, and your YouTube.com, and your nuclear physics, and your ingrowing toenails, and your Gears of War, and your Quentin Tarantino, and your power steering, and your elevators, and your illegitimate offspring, and your— hey, why did it fade to black? Am I dead?
YUGI: No, Gramps, it's just the end of the movie.
GRANDPA: Oh, fiddlesticks!